The "Yes, I DID Sink your Battleship!!" Offensive

You know, I'm not quite sure why, but as far back as I can remember there has been a heavy emphasis on naval and sea-faring advertising aimed at children. I mean, during my childhood, these particular ones were major influences on me:



OK, maybe they didn't influence me at all and were just my favorites, but still! It wasn't just them trying to sell me on a life of swabbing the deck, either.

There was also:

Charlie the Tuna
The Gorton's Fisherman
The Love Boat
Old Spice cologne
Flipper reruns
Charles from the Match Game (when he wore his sailor's hat)
Yosemite Sam
My Dad who was a career Navy sailor in real life

..to name just a few!!

Oh, and who can forget these two icons of the time:


Haha, yeah!

I'm telling you, if that stupid "In the Navy" song wasn't playing on the radio or being performed live by the Village Dorks on American Bandstand, Mary Poppin's infamous Admiral Boom was always on the Saturday afternoon movie.

I loved Admiral Boom, really.

He was cool the way he was always firing off his cannon like clockwork and pissing the neighbors off like clockwork, as well.

I should do that to MY neighbors, they deserve it.

Frigging George.

Ugh!!

Anyhoo.. the one naval related thing from my childhood that did have the greatest impact on my life (well, besides all the tours of the ships and submarines that my dad sailed on and the fact that for most of my childhood we were living on a different Navy base) was the game, "Battleship":

Oh yeeaaaah.

I frigging LOVED that game!

Because I kick ass at that game.

My one brother loved it as much as I did, if not more, so we indulged each other and played it constantly, but it really did ruin my childhood and turned him into a raving lunatic but hey, how the hell was I supposed to know that he had the propensity to become like my other brother was with CLUE??

I mean, OK, fine, I maybe should have noticed that this brother was the type that couldn't handle losing at anything and bawled over everything:


Ugh.

He was always my not-so-mentally-stable mom's favorite, too.

Of course, I loved playing Battleship too much to stop kicking his ass at it every single time, and he loved it so much that he kept letting me kick his ass at it, so eventually it became quite the viscous cycle and it was pretty routine at our house to hear these two phrases at least twenty seven times a day:


Yep, I really and truly sank his battleship every single time, too. I never lost, not even once.

Don't give me that look, it's true!

Hey, I can't help it that being the evil genius that I've always been that I had the foresight to use my erector set, a half-dozen 8mm home video cameras and a Commodore 64 computer to rig the entire house with a complex remote viewing spy system so that I always had a bird's eye view of his board!

What the hell did you expect me to do, let him sink MY battleship?!

I mean, war is war and the whole point was for me to sink his battleship!!

The rule book never said I couldn't use a complex, remote spy system to do it, either.

Ugh. You never believe me.

Yes, I checked the rule book to see!!

Anyhoo... it really damaged me psychologically to get punished for doing my patriotic duty by sinking his battleship all the time, too:


Heh.

That's right!

Well, really, I guess I shouldn't complain too much, because he's the one who became obsessed with it later in life. I mean, I forgot all about that stupid game after I was disowned by my father for marrying a wealthy, America-hating Russian Naval officer and we moved to Moscow!!

My psycho brother is the one who joined the U.S. Navy at 18 and sailed off to sea:

I know, what a dork!!

He's also the one who is convinced to this day that I had something to do with the very 'accidental' sinking of each and every one of the battleships he served on, coincidentally by the Russian navy, of course:


I know!!

As if I had that sort of power!!

For some odd reason, he also blames me for getting him kicked out of the Navy just because I hacked into his ship's satellite system from my underground bunker in Moscow to obtain his locations and to keep sending uncoded messages telling him to hurry up and steal secret documents that would help the Russians 'accidentally' sink more American battleships during the Cold War.

Heh, at least he was able to find naval related work after he was dishonorably discharged and got out of the brig after 12 years:


Wellllll... except his dream job only lasted a few months, but that was NOT my fault.

OK, fine, so maybe it was since I may have gotten him fired from and banned for eternity from every Old Navy store on the planet.

Hey, how was I to know they'd get so pissed when I pretended to be him and hacked their computer network and stole all of the CEO's identities and ran up massive debt in their names and embezzled millions of dollars and funneled it all into a secret Swiss bank account then mass mailed them as well as the local police and all the news channels in the country with a fake confession from him?!

Haha, yeah.

I thought it was funny, too!

Between you and me, at least the whiny little bastard can be thankful that I let him stay in the house I had built for him and my crazy mother out of the money I stole from Old Navy!!

I only charge them double the rent because it's such a unique house!

Well, and technically, he should be somewhat grateful that since no one else will even speak to him for being a traitor and a thief that once a year or so I fly out from Moscow in my private jet to challenge him to a round or twenty seven of our favorite game:


Hooyah.

Yep, I still kick ass at Battleship!!

:)

I could sink every battleship over at humor-blogs.com guaranteed!

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again, and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to George, my neighbor's dog.

Yep, good old George.

He really is a sweet dog, aside from the fact that thanks to his dumbass owners, he is free to roam the neighborhood day and night, crapping in everyone's yards, rummaging in our open garages or getting into the trash cans that he knocks over.

His favorite past time is trampling our flowerbeds and generally being a real pain the the ass all over the neighborhood.

In fact, once it warms up enough, it won't be long before he sees me outside working on these again:

(Yep, that IS the little waterfall and pond me and hubby built together last year! Pretty nice, huh? ;)

Anyhoo, we have tons of planting to do around it this year, so once he sees us out there, he'll be like this:


Ugh.

He thinks if I am digging in the dirt, he should come and join me!!

Yep, and even when I'm not out there, he'll still keep on running over to crap in my yard, dig in my pond and sleep in my flowers. I won't tolerate it and I'll have to get into it with my neighbor again and again over how frigging annoying and disrespectful they are to allow him to be so frigging annoying and disrespectful.

Of course, I'll have to point out that just like everyone else in my 'hood, they have a whole acre for George to roam, not to mention a very large, nicely fenced area that they could keep him in so there really is no frigging excuse for him to be in my yard, EVER!!!

Heh.

Knowing me, I'll ask nicely a few times and then start to get really pissed off and tell George and his owners that if I catch him in my yard again, I am getting a pellet gun to shoot his ass with, even though George and I both know I am bluffing:


Dammit. It's true, I admit it!

Only because George is really a total sweetie pie and it's not his fault that he has ignorant, dumbass owners who refuse to teach him manners!!

Still, I have no problem doing it the right way so then of course a few days later they'll see me outside and they'll act like they just can't understand how in the world poor, innocent George ended up here:

For the twenty seventh time that week.

As usual, they'll blame it on the grumpy old man around the corner, because for some reason they don't believe that I am heartless enough to do such a thing to George.

Heh.

Fine with me if they think it was the grumpy bastard around the corner!! Little do they know that the number to Animal Control is on my speed dial. I'm not afraid to use it, either.

Wouldn't you?!!

Damn, I just wish they'd lock up my neighbors, too.

Frigging George.

George likes to mark his territory over at humor-blogs.com, too!!

The "No, YOU Get A Life!!" Offensive

Now don't get all offended on me, that sticky note wasn't written about you, I wrote it for myself because, dammit, I really do need to get a life! I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery, but it took me a long time to even realize I didn't have a life!

In fact, I only recognized that I had a problem when last night on that show "Intervention" they had some total loser named Bob on there who wasn't a crack head or a drunk or some freaky, wild eyed guy hopped up on Rockstar playing Guitar Hero 24/7 in his mom's attic.

Nooo, Bob was way worse than all of them combined.

Bob was addicted to this:


Yeah. I know.

I think I might be just like Bob too!!!

Well, except he has twelve of those stupid "Blog Yourself Filthy Rich in 10 Days!" blogs, and I only have this one.

Yep, and I'm not even abusing it. I'm more of a recreational offender and I only offend myself every few days, really. Heck, I don't even read any of the comments or anything!!

OK, that isn't exactly true. I do read the comments. But I never respond to them!

Alright, and not only do I offend myself here, read and respond to the comments, but I also enjoy offending myself politically over at The Offended American blog, too!

But that's it, so I'm really not like Bob after all.

Welllll, except during his intervention they showed that he hung out over at BlogCatalog an awful lot, and I admit it, so do I, so I guess we have that in common.

Haha! I'm sure everyone over there is like:


Please!

As if they aren't there all damn day, too!! Especially the ones who claim to be "admins".

Pfft.

I know they are just addicts, they don't fool me. Bob is probably one of them!!

Plus, I'm not even there that much, because I also really love to hang out over at The International Drunk and laugh my ass off at all the stupid international drunks I find to put up there.

Yes, it is mine, so what?!

Hey, that is more of a public service blog, really, so it doesn't count!!

Well, so is my new blog that I just started, called Tetons and Beyond. It's my favorite one yet but it's more of a charity thing. You know, to help the unfortunate see what it's like to live in the bestest place on earth!!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo... I can walk away from that one anytime, I swear it.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., I am worried, I might need to have you Interventioned if this continues!".

Well who asked you?!

Get off my back, already!!!!

So what if these keep getting posted on my door:


And why does it matter if my fridge looks like this all the time:


At least it stays clean!!

I barely even notice anymore that I have to step over this on the way to the bathroom:


Don't give me that look. At least I use the bathroom!

Bob just wore adult diapers!!

Heck, if it wasn't for my hubby protesting so damn much, I'd still look like this:


Yeah, I know. I looked good that skinny!! I don't know why he didn't like it!

Ugh.

So anyhoo... I don't have a problem so just leave me alone about it, alright? Stop bringing it up all the time, too, gosh!! It's all you talk about now.

Honestly.

I think you're just jealous.

Everyone is.

Even that stupid Bob.

Maybe you and Bob and everyone else needs to just get a life!!

Or go visit my other blogs, because they kick ass.

Much like myself.

Hooyah!!

:p

Believe me, they all need intervention over at humor-blogs.com!!

The "My Treasured Treasures" Offensive

So after I went over and saw my good friend VE and told him about the rather offensive grilled cheese sandwich I used to have that had an uncanny image of Larry King breastfeeding Michael Bolton mysteriously scorched onto it, I got to thinking about all the great stuff I've collected over the years.

Believe me, if you are a discerning collector like myself, ebay it is where you will find the most marvelous and intriguing items in the whole wide world, all of which are just a click away if you've got enough money in your Paypal account and a little bit of fortitude!!

Welllll.... it also helps if you are an evil genius hacker like myself and can break into the system to insure you always win the bidding war.

Hooyah!

Anyhoo, here are just a few rare and exotic items that I've added to my collection of rare and exotic items, I thought you'd appreciate them, especially if you are a fan of collecting rare and exotic items yourself!!

First up is my Donna Dixon limited edition, freeze dried squirrel:


Now, if you are a fan of the Beverly Hillbillies, you should recognize him from several episodes that aired during the 2nd season. He made quite a few appearances before his untimely demise, which sadly took place under the wheel of Ms. Hathaway's big boat of a convertible!!

Yeah, poor little guy.

Oh, but speaking of big things, I also scored the last remaining parasites that infested the scraggly, unkempt beard of none other than Mr. Dan Haggerty, aka Grizzly Adams himself:


Well, OK, they aren't the originals, but they are from the same pedigreed bloodline of the ones that lived in his scruffy beard, which is pretty damn cool if you ask me!

He was a badass, really.

The same day I bought those, I also bid on and won these:

That's right!

It is Burt Reynold's belly button lint and jar of toe and fingernail clippings!!

The ladies at the Korean massage parlor/spa where he gets all of his personal primping done put those up for auction a few years ago, and let me tell you, the bidding was fast and furious.

Much like the Bandit himself back in the day!!

Hey, speaking of fast and furious, can you believe I actually own some of the hemorrhoids that they lanced off of the man who has single handedly pissed of more French people than Hitler?!

Yep, you guessed it!!

I am referring to the man with the world's most resilient attitude and glutes, Mr. Lance Armstrong:

OK, I will admit that those aren't my favorite things to look at, but hey, I had a guy offer me over a million dollars for those babies just yesterday!

You better believe I told him to go to hell!!

They are worth at least double that amount, just like the next thing in my collection.

Now, I actually bought this one on the black market from a guy who deals in dead famous people body parts, so don't tell anyone I told you about this, OK? I don't want Nancy Grace to catch wind of it, that crazy bitch will never shut up about it!!

Anyhoo.. I am the the one and only, very proud owner of Jerry Garcia's very own liver:


It is even more incredible to behold in living color!

I actually keep it up on the fireplace mantle in between my lava lamp and hookah pipe, and between you and me, I think he would more than approve.

Speaking of that, down on the floor in front of the very same fireplace where Jerry's gratefully dead liver rests in pieces, I have a throw rug that has, get this, the vomit left behind by the Lizard King when he drank himself to death encrusted upon it!!

Ugh.

No, not Steve Erwin, silly! He was eaten by a crocodile, duh!!

This Lizard King:


Yeah, I love him too!

Believe me, it is hard to describe the emotions that come over me when I lay down there on that rug, smoking my hookah, my lips nearly touching the very vomit that once touched his own cold, dead lips, watching the lava lamp bubble and the flames dance in the fireplace while I listen to "Light My Fire" twenty-seven times in a row!!!

You're right. It is magical.

That stain looks as fresh today as it did that fateful night he boarded that Crystal Ship.

Yeah. I miss him, too. :*(

Speaking of crystal, that brings me to my next piece!!

If you are an Amy Winehouse fan, you are going to just die when I tell you that I outbid thirty-two thousand drunken transexuals on ebay the other day just to become the proud owner of this gorgeous work of art:



Yes, I do have her Jr. High prom dress hanging in it's very own air tight display case in my dining room!! I can only imagine those stains include several of her own body fluids, and I'm sure she has no recollection of how any of them got there.

It doesn't really matter, though. It's all mine now and it is quite the conversation piece when I throw lavish dinner parties!!

Oooh, and speaking of lavishness, of course, none of the things I already showed you can even begin to measure up to my most prized collectible possession:



That's right, you guessed it!

Those are the infamous rhinestone anal beads that they dislodged from Liberace's colon during his autopsy. The rumor around Vegas is that they were actually responsible for his untimely death and some mob boss friends of his covered it all up to protect his reputation!!

I know, it is crazy to think those babies are sitting in a stolen 1972 Mirage ashtray on the back of my toilet in the guest bathroom.

Oh, heh, sorry, they aren't for sale, but if you come over I might be nice and let you hold them.

You'll have to wash your hands first, of course!!

:)

I hear they collect funny stuff over at humor-blogs.com, go see what's in their booty!

The "Deliverance" Offensive

Hey, um, no offense if you are a fan of Chelle B., but uhh, she just left in my monster truck to go get some tacos and I don't have much time before she comes back so I'll make this quick.

Being of the penile persuasion and all, I normally wouldn't ask anyone for help, but damn, I've been chained this bed of rusty nails now for... well, for however long it has taken for my own rust colored toenails to grow to such an obscene length that I can finally reach across the room and use them to type this pathetic plea for help out to you on her computer!!

Yeah, I know.

It IS disturbing.

Hey, just be glad that you aren't me!

You could be the poor bastard who has had to lay here, day in and day out, just wishing you could twist your foot around enough so that the grotesque, keratinized appendages that you've sharpened into a prison quality shivs by filing them against the concrete wall of your cold, barren cell would pierce clean through your jugular and end your miserable freaking existence that used to be your somewhat normal and occasionally enjoyable life!!!!

Ugh!

Hey, don't give me that look.

No, I'm not exaggerating, do you want pictures of my toenail shivs as proof?!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Come on now, Chelle B. isn't like that, I know because I'm her #1 fan and she only pretends to be evil!!".

Oh, believe me, I've been watching and I know that she has you convinced that she is really like this:




Between you and me, I used to be her #1 fan, too!!

I admit it, I should have known what I was getting into, but the mind-blowing sex we used to.. I mean still have.. uh, well, it uh... heh.

It makes me think this is all worth it and umm, hey, maybe I don't have it as bad as I thought!! Let me tell you, she does things that are still illegal in the seediest brothels in Bangkok!

Hooyah!!

That's right, and she does look like an angel when she...

Oh wait, what the hell am I saying?!!

See what I mean? She is an angel alright, from the very bowels of the abyss, that is.

Like this:

She wears that outfit quite a bit, and it makes it hard for me to think straight.

Damn.

That actually reminds me of the time she took a...

Ugh, there I go again!!!

You're right, I will need a lot of therapy once I finally get out of this hellhole.

There may not even be a therapist out there qualified enough to help me get past all the years I've spent being forced into submission by this:

I know.

Friggin' scaaaary!

So why don't I leave her?!

Well, to be honest, I've actually tried to leave a few times over the years, but she always catches me, and each time she became a bit more insistent that I stick around. For example, she did this to me the first time I tried escaping:

Yeah! With my own frigging duct tape, too. Talk about a blow to my male ego.

Ugh.

She warned me that she wouldn't be as nice the next time, but I didn't believe her, and well, let's just say it was a lesson that I'll never forget:


Yeah, but she makes that crazy bitch look like frigging Mary Poppins!

By the time it was over, I wished it was only my ankles that were broken:


Alright, so I admit it, I enjoyed the rough sex we had during that beating, but still, it just wasn't right.

It all went downhill from there, too.

Eventually, our bedroom turned into this:


Yep, and that's where I am right now.

She soundproofed it and told everyone I ran off with my teenage Guatemalan mistress. They believed her, too, so I have nobody to turn to.

I already gave up on the dog ever helping me get out of here:

Little bastard.

I guess I can't blame him, really, she is a crazy bitch!!

So anyhoo... either I wait for my toenails to grow long enough for me to be able to use them to saw through these restraints and then tunnel my way out of here, or maybe you and some of the guys over at humor-blogs.com could come over with a tranquilizer gun, a pair of bolt cutters and a couple of industrial blow torches?

Oh, and a six pack of beer would be nice, too.

Not the cheap shit, though.

Hey, you better hurry, she should be back any minute.

In fact, I'm surprised she hasn't alrea....

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and guess who this Weekender Offender is dedicated to!!

You got it, it is dedicated to Uncle Sam and the good ol' US of A.

Why, you ask?!

Are you kidding me?!

Heh.

Just ask anybody you know who the biggest offender in the world is, and they will tell you, "uh, it's AMERICA. Everyone knows that!!".

Bwahahahaha, it's true, too.

Hey, not only are we the biggest offender, but did you know that we are also the most EVIL offender on planet earth?!!

That's right.

America IS evil and if you think about it, it only makes sense, since yours truly IS the antichrist and a happy and proud American.

In fact, I wrote all about it over at The Offended American earlier, so run over and read it right now.

Hey, don't give me that look.

You and I both know that you have nothing better to do, and besides, you really have no choice but to do what I say so go read it right now.

Go on.

I'm not kidding, you really do have to go read it, and now you also have to leave me a comment over there because I am the antichrist still, dammit and you have to obey, remember?!

Ugh.

If you still don't believe me about that, or you are too lazy to click over to read my nice America is evil offensive then I guess you can just kiss this:




Hooyah!!

;)

PS. Oh, hey, I hope that picture of my All-American, antichrist ass didn't offend you. I didn't really mean what I said about kissing it, either.

Now I feel bad because it was a bit evil of me to do that, wasn't it.

Ugh.

:p

At least they obey me over at humor-blogs.com!!

The "Jesus WAS My Copilot" Offensive

So, you know those "offensive" bumper stickers that some people always seem to enjoy getting all uptight over? I know, I love those too! In fact, I have a few of them slapped on the ass end of my monster truck.

My favorite one says, "Hey, I hope you slam into the the back of my big truck and die or become horribly disfigured, you tailgating bastard!"

Heh.

I hate tailgaters!!

Oh, and here's my other favorite one:


Hooyah!!

Hey, don't give me that look.

I mean, I'm not a big wine drinker so I would have happily smoked some good Hebrew bud with Jesus if I had been hanging around him back then!

I bet Hebrew bud was the bestest ever!! :)

So anyhoo... to go with my other potentially offensive bumper stickers, I just added this new one today:

That's right, it's true, too.

Jesus actually was my copilot a while back when I was taking free flying lessons from him, and I did have to fire his ass.

Ugh.

Believe me, I didn't want to do it but I had no choice. He was just such a bastard!!

I mean, looking back at it, I'd have been better off with one of my maniac Fatwa friends as my copilot:


Yeah, tell me about it.

They'd probably have flown me straight into the headquarters of Walmart or something, and I still would have been better of than letting Jesus be my copilot!!

Ugh.

Well, to be honest, it didn't start of so bad, really.

I mean, instead of having me fly around Idaho or Utah or something incredibly boring, he did take me straight down toward Mexico and we only had a little trouble when I clipped that beer truck just outside of Boise:

Heh, lucky for me Jesus had things all worked out.

He said he'd removed all of the identifying numbers from our little plane for just such occasions, which made me feel much better because frankly, I thought he had done that so he could make runs in his plane back and forth to Mexico to pick up his sticky, imported "incense" and not get caught.

Boy, was I naive.

Part of me even thought he was giving me free flying lessons so I could be an accomplice in his illegal "incense" ring!!

I sure did have him all wrong. In more ways than one, too!!

Anyhoo... other than that, until we got to Mexico, the rest of the flight went pretty well, really.

Jesus made a fine copilot up until then!! He even showed me this private island that he said he used to fly out to all the time before he came to live in Idaho:

I know, it IS breathtaking, isn't it?!!

When I first saw it, I said to myself, "Chelle B., you could die there and be happy!"!!

In fact, I almost did die there, because while I was busy looking at the beach and all the sticky "incense" trees, I accidentally forgot to watch where I was going and I slammed into another small, unmarked plane that was leaving the island!!

The crash was quite spectacular:


I know!

Me and Jesus are very lucky to have survived it.

Of course, I wanted to kill him not long afterwards because he is such a bastard!!

Ugh.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that instead of just being an island full of yummy, sticky, imported "incense" and cute brown-skinned "incense" harvesters, it was actually an island full of these guys:

Yeah.

Jesus didn't seem to mind, either!!

Believe me, when I crawled onto that beach half naked (because the explosion ripped most of my clothes off, you know!), those guys were less than impressed.

They were quite mean to me, in fact, and Jesus pretended he didn't even know me!!

That's when I fired his ass. :)

Between you and me, I used to dream of being stranded on a deserted island with nothing but half naked cute guys.

Uh, not anymore!!

So now I'm back here in Idaho, and I'm pretty sure Jesus is still there, hanging out on the beach with his new friends, having a good ol' time, too:


Bastard.

I know he isn't gay, either, so I don't know why he'd want to stay. I mean, at least two of my kids are his!!

Ugh.

I hope his taco truck goes out of business while he's there:


Heh.

Free flying lessons.

Never again for me, thank you very much.

Well, at least not with that bastard, Jesus, as my copilot!!

:p

This post has no copilot over at humor-blogs.com

The "Your Jewish Master Revisited" Offensive

So my very favorite #1 fan wrote me an email earlier and asked me to send him pictures of myself in my camo bikini (they are on the way, *wink wink*) and also if I could please point him to my very first post.

I was so flattered but then I remembered why I took my whole "Offensive Archive" down!!

You see, The Offended Blogger started out not as a humor blog, but as a political and social commentary blog.

That's right!!

Believe it or not, I wasn't always this funny. ;)

Actually, my original goal with this blog was simply to point out just how offended and offensive our little planet was. I would scour the online newspapers daily looking for 'offenses' from all over the world, and sometimes I would find so many it made my eyes bleed!

On a good (or rather, bad) day, I would blog upwards of 20 or more bits of news articles about someone offending someone else, or someone being offended by someone else, or someone finding something offensive or.. ugh!

Exactly.

Ugh. It added up quickly, (especially the ones from right here in the good ol' US of A!) and I have probably 500+ of those types of articles in my archives but it was rather depressing after a while to see how offended and offensive the whole world was!

Then, one day I came across the story of Joey, the Cheesecake Impresario and defender of free speech and I decided instead of pointing out all of the world's offenses, I would exercise my own free speech and use my blog for a very different purpose, to bring humor to this sad, easily offended world.

So, I started making up my own offensives and started another blog, The Offended American, where I blog the way I used to here, (only not nearly as frequently and only just about America's offenses).

Of course, if you'd like, I can add my archives so you can see all the boring news offensives I posted early on, but I'll never forget my first entirely original "Offensive" that I wrote, and I thought I would share it with you, in case you haven't had the pleasure of seeing it.

Enjoy and please, don't be offended hehe!!

Hmmm... no offense, but I just can't help but wonder.. after he *ahem wink wink* "accidentally" posted his double man-crush about my guy Joey, just what sort of guy is this Your Jewish Master anyhow?

But of course thanks to Politically Correct brainwashing, I immediately stopped myself and thought whoaaa, wayyy too neo-naziish of me to even question this nice man and his unusual nickname.

I was practically goose-stepping my way into trouble with the thought police!!

I mean, is THIS what I've become??

Once I got past that ugly thought, I suddenly realized that hey, dammit, just like my man Joey, I am an English speaking American and I have rights too.

Why

can't

I

wonder??

I mean technically, he put the thought in my brain to begin with, with his nickname.

So, I started to really wonder.... can I obtain my very own Jewish Master, or is there a special law that I am unaware of??

Do I have to convert to qualify?

Is there a special place to just go buy one, and can I order him online??

Can I request that he come with special 'accessories'??

Even if I'm not a neo-nazi am I going to be in trouble for even asking this outloud?

OK so after checking with the ADL and the ACLU and learning it was still legal to ponder these things... I explored the possibilities:

Sooo...what would My Personal Jewish Master be like if I actually had one??

What an odd, yet taboo and totally tantalizing thought!!

Now, in designing MY ideal Jewish Master I had to be honest with myself and admit that I am very picky about who I allow to lord over me on any level (and I am a bit shallow too), so I had to start with his looks of course.

I mean, he didn't just *poof* appear out from under a rock, so I had to start with the early years first, his pre-Masterhood childhood.

Not like the ass-grabbing kid from The Wedding Singer, either:

I mean, MY Jewish Master would have had to have started out as what I would imagine the way freaking cool bar mitzvah kid would be like, ya know, the one the girls all stuffed their bras for and dreamed of secretly sneaking out at night for.

Yeah, something like this one:

OH. YEAH. BABY.

(Okay it's hard to see him, but you can really project a lot onto that picture...)

Now I could see this kid growing up to be not only a Jewish Master but maybe even My Jewish Master!!

He's has soooo got it goin on....hooyah!

Honestly, I had to slap myself with a cold dish rag at this point because I stared way too long at that kid and I am way too old for those sorts of thoughts (stuffing bras and sneaking out) now...I had regroup and refocus on the man he would become.

Gosh. How embarrassing!!

But, then as I was drug back into reality, by me, I was sickened by the sudden and quite scary thought that sometimes those cool kids that the girls stuff their bras and sneak out at night for grow up and turn into total geeks!

Holy crap!!

So was this the case with little grooving his ass off at his bar mitzvah without a care in the world Future Jewish Master WANNABE??

Did it end before it could ever really begin?

Could he possibly have ended up like...well, like this:

Oh, good god please say no.

Now you tell me, isn't ^^ that ^^ monstrosity far worse than any imagined grown up version of the ass-grabbing bar mitzvah kid on The Wedding Singer???

I mean there is NO FREAKING WAY IN HELL this guy could possibly expect me or anyone else for that matter to take him seriously as Our Jewish Master.

I mean isn't he the voice of Mandark on Dexter's Lab???

What was he, or I, even thinking??

Honestly!!

So, back to the 'ol drawing board.... just WHO could it be, if I had to just take a stab at any old Jewish guy (well not STAB an OLD Jewish guy, but ya know what I mean..) that I could think of off the top of my head??

Then it hit me!!

Yes, Adam Sandler!!

He didn't start off so well, did you ever see him as Theo's buddy on the Cosby Show? Not hot.

But just look at him there all growed up. That is a good picture of him and I do love his Hanukkah song. Oh yeah definitely a cool, funny, good looking, I AM THE MASTER OF MY DOMAIN look about that one.

I could definitely see that situation being viable.

But...dangit, what was I thinking? I mean, in reality he is far too busy and famous to be MY Jewish Master. Scratch another one off the list. *sigh*

Plus, since the only prototype I have to go by for the personality is THE Your Jewish Master and I know that he is a true politically conservative type, I am not so sure Hollywood is where I should be fishing, ya know? So now I am kinda picturing a more, well, rabbinical Master maybe. The UNHOLLYWOOD type.

Yeah, he definitely needs to be more Orthodox looking now. Not Old World Pharisee Orthodox, but maybe someone like this guy:

Now THAT my friend, looks like he could be THE Jewish Master of ALL Jewish Masters, doesn't he not?? I mean he just screams I AM YOUR MASTER!!!

Then again, uhhh maybe he is too loud about it, in fact, the more I look at him, the more I realize that he scares me!

Forget that.

He'd be the one who kept me chained all day naked to the radiator while he surfed porn sites and gambled our money away while at the same time totally keeping up appearances at the synagogue.

UH, NO THANKS FREAKY RABBI GUY!!

Nope, for me to allow a Master/Minion relationship to develop long term, My Jewish Master would definitely need to earn my respect and he would have to be a cooler and a more subdued shade of pious that that freaking loser.

That and a far less in-your-face with his I'm Your Jewish Master bitch, so do what I say when I say it or I will kill you and they'll never suspect it was me look!

Okayyyy....so maybe I could dig someone like this one??

Now that is one very cool and really VERY good looking potential Jewish Master. I am totally down with that whole package. He is quite fashionable, and projects a nice mixture of piousness balanced just right with a mysterious, even a Joey like mafioso aura.

Ooh la la.

I could definitely put him on the top of my list.

The whole package. I bet he makes a mean cheesesteak too. (Wait, is cheesesteak even Kosher??)

Yet... maybe I want someone even more bad ass looking and a bit more edgy!! You know, maybe a Jewish Master named Troy! Like the real YJM and his friend, Troy the Token Goy!!

I could be Troy's token Goy.

Hooyah!

Oooh... I shudder just thinking of him.... yet at the same time....

Yes, bad guys are attractive, really... hmmmm.....

No, no, no...I am going in the totally wrong direction here. I might as well go back to the first Master Rabbi Charles Manson before this one and be done with it!

Ugh.

Maybe my ideal guy is even bordering on an equally but *safe* sort of attractive and edgy look like Mr. I'm Your Jewish Godfather ones up there that I found so appealing.

Not what you'd call hot like Brad Pitt hot, but he projects that he is a Jewish Brad Pitt using a Jewish Master Jedi-ish optical illusion skill.

No rabbi hat, no menorah...he hangs in NYC at the hottest, most exclusive spots and never waits in line. He gets all the chicks and you can't quite figure out why because he really isn't hot at all.

Someone who is totally unlike what you'd expect.

Maybe someone like...

?????

Yeah?

A possible "Maybe"??

I mean, isn't he many, many people's Jewish Master already?? Why can't he be mine?

Give me one good reason, I dare you!!

Well...I can give myself one, if has to be someone like Howard Stern, I am not all that thrilled...no, he couldn't be My Jewish Master...that would be akin to Alan Colmes being My Jewish Master and they are both far too liberal and let's face it, they are just not the most attractive men no matter what they wear or where they hang.

There are wayyy too many good looking Jewish guys out there who would make better Masters than Howard, or this guy:

Blech!

The only one worse than those two that I can think of is Alan Greenspan, and not enough money in the WORLD could help me get past his fugly, or his unforgiveable history of fiscal policies.

Nope, I need someone who is good looking, a well-read real conservative, who would be comfortable at both a bar mitzvah and at a trendy pub sipping a fine liquor afterwards.

Someone who has a sense of humor, has a strong political view, and someone who likes movies and isn't afraid to speak the truth about his agenda.

Money wouldn't hurt either, if he didn't look like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons like Greenie up there!

Hey, maybe it's not about the look after all!

Maybe I could honestly go for someone like...

Yes!

Ben Stein could easily fit the bill!!! He is richer than the central banks, pretty cool really and is not only well read but is very politically conservative.

Well, I have to admit it, he really could be THE ONE! I could totally go for him, well, except for that ungodly monotone voice.

UGH!!!

All I can hear now is:

Bueller...

Bueller...










Bueller..

ARRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!

My ears are bleeding already.

Sorry Ben...you were almost it buddy!!

I give up.

Hey, wait a minute.... maybe all hope is not lost!

That name... Ben... Benjamin... it reminds me of ANOTHER Jewish Ben whose voice and overall look I have always secretly admired and had a silly stuff-your-bra and sneak-out -at-night kinda schoolgirl crush on.

Why didn't I think of HIM first??

He is not only 110% Jewish, but he has a VERY strong political background, definitely not too pious or scary (well he is a good kind of scary I guess!), someone I could admire even if I see him cutting loose at the bar now and then...and I THINK he is a conservative.

Hell I don't know, I couldn't tell you what he's said in any of the interviews I've seen of him, I can't get past that voice...it just epitomizes a TRUE JEWISH MASTER.

I literally melt when I hear it.

Yep, he's a keeper...the one and only Jewish man who could be....

***My*** IDEAL Jewish Master!!

(Benjamin Netanyahu, ROWR!! :)

This post has it's own Jewish Master over at humor-blogs.com!

The "Wordless Wednesday Easter Edition" Offensive

Happy Easter! ;)

The "So, What are YOU Reading?" Offensive

I don't know why, but I get a bit offended when certain people ask me, "so what book are you reading at the moment?". Ugh. Like it's any of their frigging business what it is that I'm reading! Maybe I can't read and I'm really touchy about it, did that ever occur to them?!

Of course not.

Heh. I always want to say, "Umm, what the hell do you want me to be reading? The Communist Manifesto?!".

I mean, honestly.

Sometimes, I actually do say, "Oh, I just finished reading 'The Marijuana Grower's Handbook', have you read it yet?".

Hehe, yeah.

That one shuts them right up! ;)

Between you and me, though, I don't mind if you know that I actually can and do read or that I read a lot. In fact, I own well over 1,000 books and I have read nearly all of them at least once!!

To give you a glimpse into my little offended psyche, here are just a few of my favorites that are actually in my private library:


That's right, I love that one!!

Now you know where my "I really don't care if I offend you" attitude comes from.

Oh, and hey, if you don't like my attitude, then you need this book so you can "Shut Up, Stop Whining and Get a Life", too!! :p

Oooh, here's one that I've loved since childhood:



It just cracks me up.

I love the dead cat as an electric pencil sharpener one!!

Now if you've never seen it, of course you can't appreciate why it is one of my favorites. It would be like trying to explain The Far Side Collection to you (another set of favorite titles on my shelf, actually!). You have heard of the Far Side, I hope?!!

Everyone should own The Far Side Collection.

It is the best, ever. :)

Anyhoo.. let's see, what else do I have? Ah, this one is always a favorite, even though it pisses off and highly offends my Fatwa friends every time they come over:

I don't care though, everything offends and pisses them off!!

They really need to read that first book up there in my list so they can "Shut Up, Stop Whining and Get a Life".

OK, between you and me, there is no 'Koran - The Satanic Verses Edition', I made that one up, but I do have the book, The Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie in my library, and that would piss off my Fatwa friends (if they were real)!

Heh, but then they'd see this one on my shelf and recognize that I am very balanced in my choice of reading material (as well as bilingual!):


The English version (which I also own) is a bit easier for me to read, but the Spanish one helps me communicate with Jesus better and you know me, I'd do anything for Jesus!!

Why?

Because he's my most favorite taco truck driver ever, of course.

Hooyah. :)

Oh, and of course this next one is a must have for every well-stocked bunker in Idaho:


Yes, I REALLY do own it and no, I've never tried any of the recipes.

Hey, I'm not that stupid!! I need to finish reading the Advanced Chemistry college textbook I own first!

I'm kidding.

I only own both of those for fun. ;)

Hmmm... kinda like this one which I just started reading today:


Yep, that's what I'm reading at the moment.

So, now that you know what sorts of odd books that I have and what it is that I'm reading, it's my turn to ask you!

"What are YOU reading?"

Hmm.. I hope it's not The Communist Manifesto.

Ugh. I've read it, and it sucks.

The Marijuana Grower's Handbook is a good one, though!!

:)

Click over to humor-blogs.com and help me get on the front page!!

The "My "Eco-Solution" to a Global Problem" Offensive

So, hey, no offense if you are one, but I am really, really, really getting sick of all these self-proclaimed "eco-friendly" assholes who live in the city and show up here in herds every year playing "eco-tourist".

You know the type I am talking about, they are frigging everywhere you look nowadays:

Ugh.

I hate them!

They just think they are better than me because they eat dandelion and deer scat stew and drive those little "smart cars" and leave a smaller carbon footprint than I do.

Bastards.

I always get dirty looks from those "eco-driver" types who come up here to MY little piece of paradise and act like I have no right to throw plastic bottles out of MY 4-mile-to-the-gallon, polar-bear-killing, ice-berg-melting, not-smart monster truck window while I fly past them:


Please.

Do they really think it makes them better than me because their car says "eco car" on it and my monster truck says "FECK OFF AND GO BACK TO THE CITY TO DIE YOU ECO-TOURIST BASTARDS!!" on the side of it?!

You tell me, what the hell is wrong with me throwing my recyclables out on the highway, anyway?! It is very humanitarian, in my opinion.

I mean, if it wasn't for my roadside littering, what else would the murderers, rapists and crack heads be doing on the weekend?

That's right, they'd be murdering, raping and smoking crack with each other behind bars. Don't these "eco-friendly" types ever think about anyone but themselves?!

No, they don't.

Which is precisely why I really want to run those "eco-biker" ones over every time I see them hogging the road:


I always want to yell out at them, "Hey, your ass will REALLY hurt when an 'eco-friendly' cougar decides to play the food-chain game with you!! Oooh... I hope I have my 'eco-friendly' camera ready when that happens!!"

Bwahahaha!

Ugh, I really hate them.

Oh, and when I am out 4-wheeling, I am always tempted to run down those annoying "hey nice local lady, look out for us, we're 'eco-hikers'!", too:

Argh!!

Look how happy they are, convinced of their "eco-superiority".

I always want to yell at them, "Hey, the grizzly bears actually prefer to eat happy people with 'eco-friendly' Walmart shoes and backpacks!! Hope you brought some 'eco-friendly' bear spray with ya!!"

Heh.

Bear spray.

What a huge scam.

Much like this whole "eco-friendly" bullshit they are all falling for!!

To be honest, I have only met one truly "eco-friendly" person in my whole life:


That's Ed.

I know, he is so frigging "eco-cool"!!

He used to be one of those "eco-tourists" but now he lives out here in the forest and he taught me a lot of things.

Like how to make my own dandelion and deer scat stew.

Yummm!!

Oh, and he also taught me how to build my own "eco-tree stand" for hunting "eco-driver", "eco-biker", and "eco-hiker" with my hand made "eco-bow and arrows"!!

That's right, so don't you worry, pretty soon me and Ed will single-handedly keep the entire global population of "eco-snobs" in check.

Because between you and me, eventually they all make their way over here to Yellowstone Park.

That's right, and we'll be ready for them.

Hooyah!!

;)

Please click over to humor-blogs.com for me so I can get on the front page!!

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to a fellow offender and one of the funniest humor bloggers out there, Kevin from Pointlessbanter.

He is the man who recently gave the following response to a question over at Blog Catalog that someone asked regarding what we as bloggers would do if we found out that something we wrote offended someone:

"I have without a doubt pissed off everyone that reads my blog at one time or another. Everything is funny until you hit on a topic that is touchy to someone.

They will get over it, if not than honestly they need to get a life. It is your blog, your voice, and not everyone is always going to be happy with what is being said. You give in and back down because someone got their feathers ruffled once you will have to do it over and over... Losing your voice what people were originally there for."

I know!!

It is brilliant and something we should all remember. That alone earns him the Weekender Offender award in my book!

But, actually, I chose him as my Weekender Offender for a much more personal reason. :)

Now don't get me wrong, I think he is the best. I've stumbled and dugg him and I really love his blog but I'll never forget the first words that Kevin said to me when I asked the friendly and helpful bloggers over at Blog Catalog to give me an honest opinion about my latest post:

"Um... so that is what it is like when someone just vomits on a page. I couldn't even figure out what the hell I was reading and the layout is atrocious."

Haha!

Yep, that was him, being his brutally honest self.

Did I get offended? Of course not!

His brutal honesty is a quality I actually admired in him from the beginning.

Do I remember things like this and do my best to get even?

Oh yes. :)

In fact, it seems like only yesterday that he said that to me, and I can almost imagine the look on his face when he first saw my blog back then:

Now don't tell him, but between you and me, long before I joined Blog Catalog I actually sabotaged my theme to look like 'someone had vomited on it' on purpose because I was going for the whole "offensive" angle thing.

That's right, and it worked!

I'm not sure, but he probably thinks I changed my 'someone vomited on the page' look because of him, but in reality it was the "Blog Yourself Rich" crowd over there turned me on to the idea that sex sells and you know me, I follow the trends.

I blogged myself rich that first week after I switched to the pin-up girl theme!!

Hooyah!

Oh, but he didn't know that!!

He honestly thought I had no #$%!ing clue what I was doing and he was just being the offensive yet funny and lovable bastard he always is!!

As much as I really do like Kevin and think he is very, very funny.... secretly it has been my goal to get my revenge on him and kick his ass out of the top position in the Blog Catalog Humor directory since that fateful day our paths crossed, and might I add, it is a goal which I recently accomplished:


Yay for me!!

That's right, take that you funny bastard!!

Do I feel a bit guilty??

Ha!

OK, maybe a bit.

Would he?!

Oh hell no, and that is precisely why I made him my Weekender Offender. :)

I am hoping his reaction to it is something like:

Hooyah again if it is!! :)

So anyhoo... I do thank you, Kevin, for not only giving me more than a few good laughs over at Pointlessbanter but by being such an inspiration to me.

I admire you for being so brutally honest and not caring if what you say offends someone, including me!!

You really are my hero and I will continue to look up to you even though I am on top right at the moment. ;)

Now go fix your atrocious blog layout, it looks like someone vomited all over it and I can't tell what the hell it is that I'm reading!!

:p

Don't worry, Kevin, you're still way ahead of me over at humor-blogs.com hehe.

The "Do You Like Me Now?!!" Offensive

You know, I don't know why, but I get a bit offended when people don't like me. I mean, what the hell is there not to like?! I'm funny, smart, beautiful, a bit narcissitic, somewhat demanding, borderline sociopathic, mildly annoying and very, very persistent.

What exactly is there not to like?!!

Everyone should like me, dammit!!!

There really is no valid excuse not to.

Lately, though, I've been a bit obsessive about getting this guy to like me, he is my cranky old bastard of a neighbor who hates everyone:

See what I mean?

OK, so I know he is a cranky old bastard who hates everyone, but why doesn't he like me?!!

Everyone should like me, including that cranky old "I hate everyone!" bastard.

Really, just who the hell does he think he is to not like me?!

Ugh.

I am likeable so everyone should like me!!

Especially him because I've been trying really hard to get that cranky old bastard to like me, but nothing seems to work!!

I even did this just to make him laugh a bit and like me the other day:

Did he laugh and start to like me??

Hell no!

He just stormed off and called me a "crazy bitch", instead.

I know. :(

I would have laughed and liked him if he had done that for me!!

Ugh.

In fact, I thought it was funny and he doesn't know it but I actually grew to like him more when he retaliated by planting this in my yard:

He doesn't know how much I loved it, even though I knew he was doing it to be mean.

Because he doesn't like me. :(

You know me, I don't give up that easily!!

A few weeks ago I thought I changed his mind toward me when I sent this strip-o-gram to him down at the Old People Fun Center during bingo hour:

Not only did he NOT like them or the Depends or the industrial sized bottle of Viagra, he told all his friends down there that I was a "crazy bitch" and then sent a cop to my door with a restraining order against me!!!

So apparently, it didn't work and he still doesn't like me.

Thanks, I feel sorry for me too. :(

I mean, I don't know why he got mad, everyone else down there at the Old People Fun Center thought it was funny!!

At least they all like me now.

Hooyah!! :)

But I am still not happy because he doesn't, and I just can't let him not like me!!

So then, a few days ago, in another attempt to get him to like me, I took out a full page ad in the local paper with this just for him:

You're right, I bet his friends down at the Old People Fun Center loved it and like me even more now!! :)

But still, it doesn't make me feel any better because I don't know if he likes me yet. I haven't seen or heard from him since it ran in the paper, so for a while I thought maybe he saw it and laughed so hard at it that he actually died!!

Now that would be sad, but very, very funny.

At least I would know he would have died liking me!! :)

I don't think he really died though, and I don't think he really likes me yet because I noticed this morning he is having his house resided and the workers are adding this to the side that faces me:

Yeah, I know!!

I just wish I had thought of it! Maybe he would have laughed and liked me if I had!

In fact, when they are done I am hiring them to put a big wrinkly old penis in my siding with his initials on it, right up there on the side of my house that faces him.

Then, I'll pay one of the workers to have sex with me in his yard and I'll cry out, "OH YES! GIVE IT TO ME YOU OLD CRANKY BASTARD!!!".

I mean, if that doesn't make him laugh and like me, nothing will, right?!

Hmmm... actually, if that doesn't work, I could always sneak over and replace the flowers in his garden with pot plants and then call the cops to investigate!!

They would probably put him in prison and then I can be his pen pal and I'd send him 27 letters a day that all say:

"Dear Cranky Old Bastard,

Do you like me now?!?

If not, I have other ideas to make you like me when you get out of prison!!

Don't worry, I will water your flowers in your garden while you are gone.

Love,

Chelle B.".

If he sat in prison with nothing but my funny letters it would have to make him like me, don't you think?!

I do.

Because, really, everyone should like me.

I mean, you like me, don't you?!

:)

The "Oh, um.. ehwww!!!" Offensive

(This is my 1st Wordless Wednesday post. I'm not supposed to talk, just put up a picture and let you do the talking for me. Hope you like the picture I picked! I thought it was.. oh, heh, I'm not supposed to talk, oops! Sorry Wordless Wednesday rule making people!!)

(Since I can't say anything I'm adding the following wordless reactions I personally had below)

The "I Really am the Antichrist, Dammit!!" Offensive

Well, no offense to the pope, but it looks like I am the Antichrist. That's right, it's me, and since you are my #1 fan I felt obligated to tell you about it. I mean, between you and me, you may even want to get some therapy now that you know you are the #1 fan of the Antichrist!!

Hey, don't worry, I won't think less of you.

OK, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle B., you are so nice and practically angelic, what makes you think you are the Antichrist?!"

Because it's true!

I actually started wondering a few weeks ago when I realized that I love to eat crab and bacon, but I absolutely hate to eat fish, olives, figs, wine and lamb!

Weird, huh?! I knew it couldn't just be a coincidence, and then I found a website that confirmed my suspicions.

Check it out for yourself, I bet YOU aren't the Antichrist, because there is only one.

Me:

Mathematical proof that chelle b offendedblogger is the Antichrist!

That's right, I told you it was true!! Hey, just because I am the Antichrist doesn't mean I lie. OK, well, not all the time!!

Anyhoo... say goodbye to the old Chelle B., because this is the new Antichrist version of me:


Heh.

I know, I am scary huh?!

Between you and me, I actually like being the Antichrist, I feel all bad-ass n' stuff saying OBEY ME to everyone!!!

Hooyah!!

People have to listen to me, too.

Yes, even you!

Hey, don't give me that look. Just because you are my #1 fan does not mean you don't have to obey me.

Oh, believe me, you will get used to it.

It has even taken me awhile to get used to the fact that I am the Antichrist.

In fact, I always thought it was the pope even though my favorite hillbilly pastor always said that this guy was the Antichrist:


I know! I never believed it could it be him. I mean, he is way too frigging cool to be, well, me!!

I might let him be my sidekick though. He would make a very cool Antichrist sidekick, and let's face it, the Jewish people have suffered enough so they kinda deserve for him to be my sidekick!!

I'd even let him drive me around in my Antichrist monster truck. :)

Hooyah!!

Anyhooo... to be honest, he probably would say 'no' if I asked him to be my way cool sidekick/chauffeur because believe it or not, apparently NO ONE BELIEVES ME when I tell them that I am the Antichrist!!!

Ugh!!!

I know!! What is wrong with them?!

Well, OK, so my Fatwa friends acted like they believed me when I told them:


So what, though?!

They frigging get like that over everything!!

Tomorrow they probably won't believe me anymore and they will stop trying to destroy me.

Thanks! I feel sorry for me, too. :(

Heh, even Jesus himself didn't believe that I am the Antichrist when I stopped over at his taco truck to tell him at lunch today:



I agree. I mean, if Jesus won't believe me, who will?!!

He is such a bastard, I don't even know why I put up with him.

Well, except he does make the bestest fecking tacos ever, and he always remembers that I love extra, extra jalepenos.

Plus, he tattooed my name on his head, which was nice.

Oh, and he does say nice things to me during our 'all night confession sessions' or when he wants me to buy some of his imported sticky "incense"!!

But still.

He is a bastard and will probably tell everyone in town and then they won't believe me too, and they will all just laugh about me behind my back:


Man, that really pisses me off!!

Dammit, I am the Antichrist but what good is it if no one believes and obeys me?!

Ugh.

I mean, my own dog didn't believe that I am the Antichrist!!



Heh. He probably will chew up my new couch, too. I should have his balls removed just to get even!!

Well, at least my hubby said he believes me:


I don't think he meant it though. He gets a little crazy this time of the month and hides out in his bunker, so when he feels sane again and comes out he probably will forget he said it and he probably won't obey me either.

Heh, the kids might believe that I am the Antichrist, but since I'm really ADD I keep forgetting to tell them:

OK, so I keep forgetting to pick them up, too, but even if I did, they still wouldn't obey me, they never have! So really, why bother?!!

Let them figure it out for themselves.

Did I mention that it is only fun if people and dogs believe I am the Antichrist AND obey me!!

Well, at least I have you to boss around!! If it wasn't for you, I might as well just go back to being me and let the pope be the Antichrist. You'd much rather obey me than him, wouldn't you?! I know I would if I were you!!

Which I'm not, because I am not you, I am the Antichrist.

Now obey me, dammit!!

;)

This post is looking for minions to believe and obey it over at humor-blogs.com

The "A Preview of Things to Come" Offensive

Well, no offense, but pretty soon I will be switching gears from my winter bitching to my spring and summer bitching. That's right, the snow is melting and it won't be long before my backyard will look like this 'I-don't-have-time-to-sit-on-the-computer-and-annoy-you-with-my-cabin- fever-induced-offenses-because-I-live-in-frigging-paradise-and-have-better- things-to-do-all-day' postcard again:


Hooyah!

Yep, and I will get to pack away all the sweaters and gloves and scarfs, and bring out the shorts and tank tops and camo bikinis as well as my list of things I will be bitching about all spring and summer long!

It isn't a long list, but I wanted to let you know about this so we can enjoy this little window of time we have together before I start bitching about things like:

1. Mud.

As much as I hate the snow, and bitch about it all winter long, I hate it more when it turns to mud!!

Well, OK, so technically snow turns to water, but that turns the dirt into mud and I hate mud!!

Ugh.

Well, I don't always hate it. It is fun when I am wanting to play in it with my monster truck.

Otherwise it is just something to bitch about until the snow comes back and I can bitch about that again!!

That reminds me, with the mud comes the next thing on my short list of things I bitch about all spring and summer long:

2. Flies.


Ugh.

I mean, what person doesn't hate them? All they do is annoy me and breed and then their children annoy me and they breed and...

Ugh.

Much like the next thing on my list:

3. Tourists.

Look at this stupid sign that I have to drive past all year long:

Ugh!

I know!

I want to run it over with my monster truck every spring because it reminds me that tourist season is here and I hate tourists!! I want to run them over with my monster truck, in fact.

Well, of course, unless you are the tourist here, then I don't mind! :)

Hey, if you ever do come out here and you see a big monster truck with this painted on the sides, you know it's me:

That's right.

I would do it too!

Well, except to you, of course! You are my #1 fan and the only tourist I wouldn't feed to the bears! :)

Oh, and that reminds me of the next thing on my list that I will be bitching about all spring and summer long.

4. Grizzly bears.

Ugh!!

Don't get me wrong, I love to see grizzly bears when I am in my monster truck with the windows rolled up tight while they are off in the distance foraging on berries and looking all cool 'n stuff!

It is when I actually want to get OUT of my truck and do some fly fishing or hiking or canoeing or camping that I really hate the fact that they are out there.

It is like a constant reminder that I am not at the top of the food chain!! I don't like to not be on top of the food chain. :(

Ugh.

It really pisses me off.

But hey, lucky for me, I have my trusty Spongebob ruger to take care of their asses if they ever try to get all 'top of the food chain' on me:

Hooyah!!

Oh, and I carry my trusty Spongebob ruger for the next thing on my list too.

5. Cougars.

Heh. I know that's what they think when they see me out there!

I hate them more than grizzly bears because they are much stealthier and you will probably never know what hit you if they decide to play the food-chain game with you.

Ugh.

Why can't they all be in zoos, sunning themselves on big rocks all day instead of making me all nervous out here in paradise?!

Oh, and that reminds me, it gets very hot here, too. As much as I hate the cold and bitch about it all winter long, I have to add this to my list:

6. Heat.

I know, I shouldn't bitch about it, but it does make me cranky when it is TOO hot out!!

Why can't it just be like 80 degrees all day long?!

My flowers would grow fine in 80 degrees all day long and I wouldn't have to bitch about it being too hot to do the next thing on my list:

7. Weeding.

I mean, what human in their right mind likes weeding a garden?!

Ugh.

There is only one weed worth growing, and since I can't do that, I bitch about all the other not-worth-growing weeds!!

Ugh again!!!!

Just thinking of it pisses me off badly, so I should go visit my taco truck driver, Jesus, and get some of his sticky imported "incense".

It always makes me feel better, in any season.

Hooyah!

Anyhoo... so that's my list of things I will soon be bitching about, but it won't be for a few more weeks.

I just wanted to give you a heads up because I wouldn't want to scare you. I know it would come as a shock to you if without warning I just suddenly start in about mud, or flies, or tourists, or grizzly bears, or cougars, or the heat, or weeds!

Oh, wait... there is one last thing for my list.

How could I forget the mother of all things to bitch about here in my little piece of paradise?!?!

I get a full body shiver just thinking of them:

8. Hobo spiders.

UGH!!!!!!!!

They are the worst!

I can't even stand the thought of them coming out of hibernation!! They are scarier than all the grizzly bears and cougars who want to play the food-chain game with me!!

Sometimes, I lie awake all night long, thinking they are crawling all over me.

I think I may have PTSD from it, for real!!

Hey, don't laugh and call me a sissy!! :(

I can't help it and it is NOT 'just a little ol' spider'.

Just look at what a hobo spider bite can do to a person:

See, I told you!! :(

They should be kept in zoos too, with the grizzly bears and cougars and tourists.

Heh, if one day I just disappear and you never hear from me again??

It was one of them.

I guarantee it!!

Ugh.

I hate, hate, HATE them.

Now you know why I will be bitching about them real soon!!!

Not yet, though.

They are still sleeping in the frozen dirt.

Which will soon be the mud that is on my list of things that I'll be bitching about soon.

:)

This post is enjoying having nothing to bitch about yet over at humor-blogs.com

The Weekender Offender "Tattoo Me!" Edition!

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to ME!! That's right, I am the bestest fecking offender ever in the history of offenders, and to prove it I added a picture of myself up there just for you.

No, I am not picking my nose in that picture, I am only pretending to. I am really flipping you off!

See how good I am at this offending business?

Hooyah!!!

To celebrate, this weekend I decided I am going to get a new tattoo and I'd love it if you would help me pick just the right one!

OK, I know what you are thinking and noooo, I won't get a portrait of you, my #1 fan, tattooed on my ass. I mean, believe me, I would, but I already have my Germany birthmark there, remember?! Plus, I want it to be bad ass and a bit offensive, and let's face it, you are too nice to be either one of those!! :)

Anyhoo... after a lot of soul searching and about 10 minutes googling and using paint pad, I have narrowed down my ideal perfectly perfect offensive tattoo to these choices:


#1 - A Fatwa grafiti tattoo.

Grafiti always screams out "I AM A BAD ASS OFFENDER!!", right? And just uttering Fatwa gets people all offended, so it is perfect!

Then again, I did Fatwa myself into a political prisoner of war camp and that might bring back bad memories if I have to look at it all the time etched on my skin.... hmmm.

Well, how about, this one:

#2 - Jesus and one of his yummy tacos with extra, extra jalapenos for me (and a cold beer to boot!).

I mean, you know how I love Jesus and his tacos. I'd say that might be the perfectly perfect offensive tattoo for me, really.

Well... except that one time he did sorta kidnap me and took me down to Mexico and stuck me in a bunker and it took me a few days to escape :(

Oh, but then there is this idea for the perfect offensive tattoo:

#3 - a ruler tattoo.

Well, not just any old ruler, it would have "must be this tall to ride this ride" written under it and it would be tattooed way up on my inner thigh.

Yeah, I know!!

Heh, you're right, I'm sure it would offend my hubby and I wouldn't want to do that!

Speaking of him, though, I actually thought I could put one of these on the inside of each thigh just for him:

#4 - a Christmas tree and a turkey tattoo.

You know... so he will quit bitching that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas, duh!! :p

Oooh... then again, that one might backfire since it is seasonal... I mean that would only leave me a month to enjoy it, really.

Hmm...

Hey, I could always be like everyone else and go with something really offensive, like this one:

#5 - A monkey butt bellybutton tattoo.

I know, I love that one too!!

The only thing is, it's already been done and I kinda want something original, you know?! :(

So, after realizing these may not be the best ones, I had to really put my thinking cap on and I think I came up with what I thought was just the most perfectly perfect offensive tattoo for me:

#6 - rooster hanging from a noose tattoo.

What do you mean, you don't get it?! Isn't it obvious?

Honestly, does it really need explaining?

Ugh.

Fine, I will explain.

It would go on my calf and then I can walk into any bar in town and bet every guy in there that I am more of a man than them because my cock hangs below my knee!!

Duh!!

That's right and they would love it.

I think it's the one. :)

But, before I run out and get it done, I wondered which one you like the best??

Or do you have an even better and more offensive perfectly perfect tattoo idea for me??

This post is spending the weekend getting tattooed over at humor-blogs.com

The "I Like This Mike Better!" Offensive

Well, since Mike Holmes seems to still be all offended and keeps renewing his restraining order against me, I've decided to find a new Mike to love. Lucky for me there are plenty of them out there, and that I happen to have the Discovery Channel!!

They have all the best Mike's on that channel.

It should be called Discover Mike Channel, really.

In fact, that's where I found this guy. He is my new and improved Mike:

Oh yeaaaah. Mike Rowe is my new Mike.

He is much handsomer than that easily offended Canadian handy man ever dreamed of being!

He may even be the most handsome Mike ever in the history of Mikes!! Well, at least the ones on that channel.

I mean, between you and me, who wouldn't love Mike Rowe and all those Dirty Jobs of his?!!

He is so funny and well, dirty, but he is dirty in a good way. He just cracks me up the way he laughs while he is sticking his arm up a cow's ass, or smiles while alligators are trying to eat him or makes jokes while he has raw sewage splashing all over him!!

Yep, what a great guy.

He has a nice voice, too. I think he also does another great show on there about deadly catches or something but I can't remember the name of it right now.

Anyhoo... lucky for me my hubby likes his show, too, so he didn't mind too much when I took down all the Mike Holmes stuff and redid our bedroom like this:

Ooooh and I can't wait for Mike Rowe to see it, too.

He will just love it when he gets here!

That's right he is coming over and I AM going to be on Dirty Jobs very, very soon!!

How do I know?

Heh, well, I kept seeing him ask for people to write in with a dirty job for him to do and you know me! Last week alone I sent out 1,247 letters to him with all sorts of dirty jobs that I have in mind for him to do at my place!

He has gotten at least one of them. I know this for a fact because he already sent me back an autographed picture of himself:

Well, so he forgot to sign it, but it was so funny that I forgave him!

That just made me even more determined to get him to my house, so I sent out another 1,247 letters again yesterday!! It won't be long now before he is at my door.

We can talk about all the dirty jobs I have for him in there in my new Mike Rowe bedroom!

OK, I know what you're thinking.

"Chelle B., please don't tell me that the dirty job you have for Mike Rowe is performed in your Mike Rowe decorated bedroom because I don't think they will put that on the Discovery Channel!".

Ugh. Do you always have to go there??

Of course the dirty jobs I have in my mind for him aren't in the bedroom!

OK, so there was that one dream I had, but Mike Holmes was there too and then Jesus showed up with some tacos and um, well let me just say...

Hooyah!! :)

Anyhoo... I am all flustered now, where was I again?

Oh yeah!!! Mike Rowe and his Dirty Jobs.

So I have been making sure that I have LOTS of dirty jobs ready for when him and his crew get here!! Like for instance, my kitchen is quite the dirty job:

Yes, it is nice, isn't it!!! Thank you, I am proud of me too.

I haven't cleaned it in a couple of months just for him, and it will only get better the longer it takes him to finally show up.

Which he will.

Any day now!

Oh, and I also stopped cleaning my bathroom a while back, too:

Oh, and believe me, that is just the beginning of all the dirty jobs I have for him. Hey, I've watched his show a lot and seen some of the things he has done, and between you and me, I have my work cut out for me if I want him to know how serious I am!!

He will find nothing here that is less than filthy, dirty and of course, highly toxic!!

Oh, yes.

For him I went all out:

That is me, and this is my backyard dirty job for him:




Yes!

I'm sure my neighbors all love him too, so I decided to surprise them and have them be in on the show with me!

Take a look at this evil genius handiwork:

Now that, my friend, is the dirtiest job in the history of all dirty jobs!!

Yep, they will just love it, once they figure out what I am up to.

OK, well, most of them will love it.

The only one I worry about and who probably won't understand is my one neighbor who I think is from Denmark or something.

He doesn't speak English well and after the Mike Holmes incident I could tell that he probably doesn't understand how we American's feel about shows like Holmes on Homes or Dirty Jobs or how important it is for us to do whatever it takes to get onto these reality shows.

I imagine he will react a bit like this, maybe:

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm sure he will get over it once Fox News gets a translator flown in or something.

If nothing else, there isn't much that can't be overcome with a plate of my special brownies made with Jesus's imported "incense"!! I bet he would totally forget all about his house after a few of those brownies.

Yummmm.

Hey, maybe I'll make some for Mike and his crew, too!! I bet they would love my special "incense" brownies!

Because he'll be here anyday, you know. I'm going to be on his show.

Oh yeah, I will definitely let you know when my Dirty Jobs episode is on, I know you won't want to miss it, being my #1 fan and all!!

I'll even wave at you on camera, k??

:)

This post has a very dirty job to do over at:

The "I LOVE the Rich and Vain and $tupid!!" Offensive

So, no offense if you are rich and vain and stupid, but thanks to you I am set for life. That's right, because of your type, I was able to retire in my 30's to become The Offended Blogger full time.

Thanks!! :)

(Hey, I knew you had to be wondering by now, so yes, in real life I do have other skills besides making up stuff and trying to offend you!!)

You did know the other stuff was made up, right?

What?! You actually believed that Jesus the taco truck guy exists??

Hooyah!! I am good! :)

Anyhoo... in my very real real life, I do have very real skills, and the rich and vain and stupid were my cash cow.

Oh, don't worry, they lost interest up at the first paragraph so it's OK to talk about them!

Don't give me that look.

No, I am not ashamed of the years that I spent exploiting them! It is not my fault that they are so stupid and rich and vain. Or that they love to be exploited by me!!

OK, I know what you are thinking; "Chelle B., I know you are an evil genius, but exactly what sort of skills did you use to exploit the intellectually challenged and incredibly vain people into an early retirement and will you teach me?!!"

Ha!

Well, OK, since you are my #1 fan I will let you in on my little secret and share a few pictures of my skills with you, but only you because I am nice that way. The rest you have to learn on your own.

Here is just one of many of my very exploitative and highly overpriced skills:

That's right!

Yours truly is a highly skilled masseuse as well as a fully trained luxury spa treatment provider in real life.

I know, you thought I worked in the circus or something but I forgive you!!

Actually, I spent many years honing my skills and providing all of the most expensive and luxurious therapies that are much like crack for the incredibly rich and vain and stupid, and believe me, I have good reason to call them stupid.

For instance, one of my hot rock essential oil shiatsu body massages with 'non-surgical facelift' facial massage costs $165 for 1.5 hours, plus tip, plus sales commission for some overpriced must-take-home item.

What intelligent person would pay me to rub hot rocks on them? None!

Hooyah!!

Oh! Here is another picture of one of my highly overpriced and incredibly addictive specialties for the rich and vain and stupid:

1.5 hours of massaging, steaming and painting mud on a vain person's face will set you back $145.oo, plus tip, plus sales commission for the overpriced bottle of must-take-home crap, thank you very much!!!

Do you see why I say the rich and vain AND stupid, now?

Honestly, would you pay me that much to paint mud on your face?

Ha! I know better, you are much too smart.

Even I wouldn't pay that sort of money for this stuff and I know how great I am at it and how good it feels!

Oh, also, I am a master of body hair removal, a skill which practically paid off my mortgage all by itself!! In less than an hour, I can make any one's legs look as lovely as this:

Heh, well, you know.

Almost anyone.

Some people are beyond all help and need to stay in Norway or wherever the hairy women live now. Ehw.

It is very true, though, that I have massaged and painted with mud and scrubbed with dead sea salt and waxed with wax some of the loveliest bodies out there for way too much money.

Gosh, my memories of the body parts I've seen would bring top dollar at any high quality porn store, but believe me, it wasn't always the sort of dream job you would think!!

No, it wasn't always teams of hot and sweaty and nearly naked rugby players waiting to be rubbed down, or soooo good looking I can pretend they aren't gay Olympic swimmer guys coming by to get their chests and legs waxed.

I wish. :(

If it had been like that, I'd still be doing it!!

No, in fact, some days this guy (who was neither rugby nor Olympic material) would be the one waiting for me:

Yeahhh.... and not just for a back waxing either!!

He'd want that done after a hot stone shiatsu massage and I'd have to smile and do my little overpaid job while secretly wishing I were still at home in bed dreaming, like this:

Yes, I really did used to dream of being an Amish wife!!

Doesn't every woman?!!

Anyhoo... I could live with the occasional freaky hairy guy who wanted his back waxed and/or massaged.

I could even live with the ones that I had to kick-box in the nuts and toss out for wanting a "happy ending"!

Sadly, things really began to go downhill when I began getting more and more male clients who came in for Brazillian waxing. It made me long for the hairy or happy ending guys!

You do know what that is, right?

Oh, well go and Google it.

It's OK, I'll wait!

.

.

.

Got it?

Yeaaaahhhh... nothing like meeting a new male client and in five minutes you have them spread eagle on your table waxing their junk while they cry!!

Even during the worst of my PMS'ing I never really enjoyed making their eyes water and their balls bleed a bit!

Just what sort of sick person would enjoy that?

Oh, heh.

Yeah I guess there are some of those types out there.

Scary. :/

As if that wasn't bad enough, suddenly all of the top spas began turning into "medical spas" and hired plastic sugeons and started offering cosmetic procedures.

So then my clientele suddenly turned into this:

Believe me, I'd much rather have rubbed him down with hot rocks while she had her face injected with botulism!

Then, around the same time as the Brazilian waxing and botulism injections took off, my female (and a few transsexual male) clients also became obsessed with this look:

Argh!

Now, I know most people think that looks good on porn stars and Angelica whats-her-name, but believe me, they don't always turn out looking so well on regular people!!

It can be rather frightening, actually.

I still get a full body shiver remembering these types of the rich and vain and stupid who seemed to be multiplying while at the same time all were simultaneously morphing into this same freakish beast looking creature:

What can I say?

"NO!! YOU ARE NOW A FREAK GET AWAY FROM ME AND NEVER COME BACK?!"

Believe me, I have scars on my tongue from biting it so hard back them.

Oh, yes, how I longed to be Amish in those days!!!

No buttons on my clothes, making my own soap, up at dawn to make my straw-hatted, Abe Lincoln lookalike man his breakfast.

Black buggies and head coverings all the way!!

Ahhhhh.

Anyhoo... it was much worse than you can imagine because there were so many like that.

Women especially can not see just how ridiculous they look once they get started down the road to attain this sort of 'ageless beauty':

Exactly.

It is just wrong and highly offends my sensibilities.

Well, I can honestly say that thanks to all of this, I will be aging gracefully, free from botulism and silicone and whatever-the-hell-else these freaks are injecting in themselves in a pathetic attempt to look younger.

No doctors will be cutting my lovely aging-gracefully self for cosmetic purposes, either.

That's right, and I endured dealing with the rich and vain and stupid for as long as I could before I made my small fortune and my dreams of moving to Idaho and becoming Amish were finally realized!!

Yay for me!!

It is great, too.

Being Amish really is something you should strive for.

It is good for the environment. We are very green.

OK.... so that last part isn't true, I am not Amish but I did do well by exploiting the rich and vain and stupid, and I do live in Idaho where I will age gracefully until I die of old age or get eaten by a grizzly bear!!

:)

This post will continue to age gracefully and lol at the rich and vain and stupid over at:

The "I Hate Everything Today!!" Offensive

So, no offense but I am a bit grumpy and I just hate everything today!! (Well, everything but you, because you are my #1 fan, of course! ;)

I will admit, I may have a *bit* of a problem controlling myself when I get grumpy. Once in a while I do some very not-nice things to try to make myself feel better.

Like one time I did this to my hubby's car after he forgot to put the lid down on the toilet:



I also did this to my neighbor's mailbox when she didn't wave at me, but only one time:


Oh, and one time I did this to our house when I was too grumpy to clean it:

Oh, and there were those two times when I got so mad at the tourists who come here and drive so frigging slow and never tip anyone and wear socks with their stupid sandals and think it is cute to try to pet the buffalo, that I did this:

Stupid $%^!ing tourists!

Hey, don't defend them, it is all their fault that it happened twice!!

Well, maybe it is a bit my fault.

OK, so maybe I made up the whole tourists pissing me off thing and I just enjoyed blowing up Yellowstone.

Hey, I can't help it if explosions are fun or that I am so good at creating them!!! Or that Yellowstone blows up so nicely.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo... like I was saying, sometimes I just can't control myself when I get grumpy and today is actually one of those days. In fact, I am even grumpier today than I was on all those days combined!!

OK, I know what you are thinking: "Chelle B., you are always so cheery and have such a rosy disposition, much like Mary Poppins! Why in the world are you so grumpy?!".

Well, since you asked, and since I know you are the only one who really and truly cares, I am sooooo very, very, VERY grumpy today because I didn't sleep at all last night.

Because I miss my favorite, most bestest and most comfy pillow ever.

Because my not-nice-and-very-mean hubby stole it from me and gave it to the stupid, @#%^! dog yesterday!!!

Yeah.

:*(

Why would he do that?!

Because he is not-nice-and mean, that's why!!

He said it was just because my pillow was 1,200 years old and it weighed like 50 lbs more than when I bought it because it was full of dust mites and those were making me wake up with my eyes watering and my nose stuffy every day so he felt like he had no choice but to get rid of it and give it to the dog!

Yeah.

:*(

Now you tell me, does this look like a face that deserves or would appreciate the comfort of my most comfy and favorite pillow:

Of course not!!!!

Heh, she isn't even that cute in real life, it is just an act for the camera. She is really just mean, like he is. She also bites me when no one is looking.

Yeah.

:*(

Thanks, I feel sorry for me, too!!

I mean, I don't want to do stuff like blow up Yellowstone, or run cars into poles, or smash mailboxes, or destroy houses!

I just want my $%^!ing pillow back!

I don't even care if it smells like dog now or if it is crawling with a whole colony of these:


Really, I mean they aren't that gross!

I can't even see them so why would I care if I inhale their nasty carcasses and fecal waste at night while I drool on my favorite pillow?!

And what do I care if I am allergic to them and they are killing me slowly?!

Heh, I can live with my eyes watering until they practically bleed and my nose getting so stuffy that I can't breathe all day! It is all worth it for my bestest, most favorite feather pillow and the comfort it brings, dammit!!

Ugh.

So then... to add insult to injury, my not-nice hubby comes home last night with not one, but SIX new feather pillows AND a new feather comforter AND a new mattress AND a new headboard in a pathetic attempt to make me feel better about taking my pillow away:

I know! What a jerk, huh.

Believe me, I ask myself all the time why I take such abuse from him! I must just be sick because secretly I think I enjoy it or something.

Anyhoo... I pretended to be all happy but in the middle of the night after he was asleep, I snuck downstairs to steal back my beloved mite infested, smells-like-a-dog, most favorite pillow, and guess what?!

It was no where to be found!!

I mean, the dog was there sleeping peacefully on the couch where she isn't supposed to be, but I didn't even care because MY pillow was just... gone!!

Yeah.

:*(

Heh, for a minute, I actually thought maybe it missed me too, and had crawled upstairs to find me, but, noooo. It was gone forever.

When I looked outside this morning, this is what I see in the yard:

Yeah.

:*(

Well, you know me! I may take the good things lying down, but not this sort of thing, so as soon as my hubby left for work, I sold that stupid little not-worthy-and-not-so-cute-in-real-life-pillow-shredding dog to this guy:

That's right!

I don't feel guilty, either!

He said he wanted her just for a pet, but I think he really runs an evil laboratory and he will use her for all sorts of inhumane testing of toxic dog toys or something!

I hope so.

She deserves it because... it is all her fault that I miss my favorite pillow and can't steal it back, dammit.

Yeah!!

:*(

You can help cure my grumpiness and help me forget my beloved pillow by visiting:

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders! It is the weekend again, and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to the late, great Bill Hicks!

He was one of the bestest fecking offenders to ever walk the planet. :)

Speaking of offending, the other day, I got to thinking, I want to add a spot to the top of my sidebar for great "offending" quotes.

So I came up with a few of my own, and thought I'd ask you, my #1 fan, to come up with some, too.

The Blog Catalog members who have nothing better to do but entertain me also came up with a few excellent ones of their own! I will be rotating all of the quotes on my sidebar for a little link love and some free advertising.

Because, despite my offensive alter-ego, I am nice like that. ;)

Anyhoo... if you happen to think up any, let me know and I will add them to the rotation with a link to your blog, too!! Come on, you know you want to!

Here are mine to inspire you:

"An offense a day keeps the easily offended away."

"To be offended, or not to be offended, that is the question."

"Ask not what you did to offend your country, but what your country did to offend you!"

"If you offend them, they will come."(Heh, that one sounds kinda dirty but it's my favorite!!)

Here are some of the ones the members of Blog Catalog offered, to inspire you more:

"It's a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses. Offensiveness itself isn't lost or made, it's simply transferred from one perception to another." ~ SiteProPlus (admin)

"The best defense is a good offense.", "To boldly offend in a manner no man has offended before." ~ Kdawg (my horseracing buddy)

"Be thy offended by thy name!", "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used to offend you. You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any offending. If you cannot offend a lawyer, one will be offended for you at government expense.", "Father, forgive me for I have not yet offended! " ~ Manictastic (my Belgian wafflemaker)

"Being offended is a sure sign that you're an idiot; the wise laugh." ~ Voodookobra (a fellow offender)

"Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them.", "I thought his bum cheeks looked very pert. If anybody's offended by that they ought to go and see the doctor."~ crpitt (Claire, the doodle Queen of England herself!)

"I do not poot, I fart. I do not curse, I cuss. And if any of it offends you, then I have done my job!" ~ suburbqueen (the queen of suburbia)

"If you aren't offended, you aren't paying attention.", "To be offended is human, to offend is divine." ~ Anok (my favorite anarchist ninja)

"A good offence is a terrible thing to waste....Subscribe Here." (for my RSS feed) ~ wilderr67 (the girl who would loan me her riding crop because she is nice that way, too!)

A scarface inspired one for you: "Say hello to my little offence!" ~ aningeniousname (my aardvark friend who speaks with a funny accent)

"If one is offended, it is because of their own disposition." ~ morgantj (an atheist and an intellect)

I'd suggest "mounting an all-out offensive" but somehow that seems more appropriate for a gay pride blog. ~ Greekgeek (a Greek Geek?!)

"The offended have no place in history, the offender is immortal.", "An old offender never dies, he just fades away." ~ GlossGreen (a guy from Montana who has the bestest sense of humor ever!)

"Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. " ~ wholeliving (someone who eats much healthier than I do!)

"Off the deep end OR deep the offend." ~ acousticguitarist (the bestest guitar playing red panda at Blog Catalog!)

If you like their quotes, go pay their profile a visit, and leave them a shout in their message box or stop by one of their blogs and if you haven't joined Blog Catalog, what the bloody, fecking hell is wrong with you, ya gobshite bastard??!

Heh, it is where I spend all my time offending people on the discussion boards and where all my #1 fans are!! (well, except you, obviously).

Plus, it is where Lord Likely with his (very non-offensive and quite lovely) golden cock hangs out!!

Hooyah!

So sign up, and join in the fun.

:)

This post is trolling for offensive quotes at: