The "I'm Green to the Extreme!" Offensive

You know that old saying, 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'?? Well, no offense, but that's exactly what I've decided to do by joining the masses and going green.

Hey, don't look at me like that, it's not my fault!

Look, I tried beating them but apparently they haven't made recyclable condoms yet because those eco-friendly people are very, VERY friendly and keep breeding so I am way outnumbered!

It's a conspiracy, I tell you.

I only have sex for fun, and not for procreation, while they are obviously doing it for fun AND to procreate so that they can take over the world!!

Gobshite bastards.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., please tell me that 'going green' for you just means using lots of Irish curse words and that you aren't going to sell your monster truck and turn vegan and start protesting naked with PETA and stuff!!!".

Oh, please!

You know me better than that!

For one thing, I can't see myself protesting getting naked, and for another, I like my food to have a fecking face.

It tastes wayyyy better that way!

Plus, there is no way I can live without my monster truck. I mean, can you imagine what would happen to me up here in Idaho if I hit a moose while driving one of these:

Exactly!!

Believe me, I'll figure out a way to convert my monster truck to run on fresh mountain air or deer scat or something before I ever get rid of it.

Anyway, I'll be needing it to help spread the word!

Yep, in fact, pretty soon, I'll be painting my monster truck BRIGHT green and putting this sticker on the side of it, to promote the new show that I'm going to be hosting on the Discovery Channel:


Yep, move over Mike Rowe and your Dirty self, Chelle B. is going to be Going Green (to the feckin' Extreme!) soon over there at Discovery!!

Hooyah!!

That's right, and not only me, either. I'll be featuring only the most extreme recyclers and re-users out there and believe it or not, there are a lot of them!!

Like these guys, who have been in the extreme eco biz for a long, looooong time:


Hey, shark shit really IS green!! I didn't believe it either at first, until I actually went out on the boat with them and saw it for myself.

No pun intended, but it was pretty amazing shit, really!!!

I even got to chum a local politician, which was quite rewarding, if I may say so myself.

Oh, and speaking of chum, I also met with the CEO of the company who invented the "Chum Chipper 2000":


It is an amazing piece of equipment.

Sheer genius, really.

Think about it, we ALL eventually have dead hamsters, cats, dogs, birds and fish just lying around the yard in their little shallow graves, basically contributing nothing to the environment, right?

Right.

Well, this nifty little machine turns them all into a rich, high quality mulch in just minutes, and it's something you and your children can take pride in using, not to mention the joy you will get when you eat those wonderful vegetables that Fido and Fluffy helped to grow!!

There is even a larger, industrial sized "Chum Chipper 3000" for those of us with horses and other miscellaneous livestock who could be put to better use once they have 'expired'.

Hey, and if that impresses you, this next company will amaze you even more with how extreme they went in the green department!

Now, between you and me, I've known for a long time that we REALLY need to cut back our dependence on cheap Chinese clothing made from synthetic fibers and toxic chemicals. I mean, all those toxic t-shirt fumes we collectively inhale is probably why we have so many dumb-ass people in our country who don't even know who Ben Bernanke is!!

Hell, half of them probably watched shows like "Flip this House" and thought they'd get rich by flipping houses.

Ugh.

Anyhoo, being the host of a quality, intelligent show like "Going Green to the Feckin' Extreme", I tracked down this company in West Virginia called "Re-Tan Your Hide".

They have come up with a perfect solution to our dumbed down by toxic t-shirt fumes and creating housing bubbles that ruin our economy problem.

For a nominal fee, you and your family can turn your 'previously tanned by the sun when they walked the earth' loved one's hides into extremely durable and quite fashionable clothing items:


Nope, that isn't a purse made for Gramma Betty.

That's right, it is a purse made FROM Gramma Betty!! I mean, does it get any more feckin' green OR extremely sentimental than that?!

I think not!

Hey, and don't forget Grandpa, either.

He'd not only approve, but he'd make a lovely leather jacket or pair of boots:

I want a whole biker outfit made out of my grandparents!!

Between you and me, hopefully they'll go pretty soon, too, so that I can wear them to Sturgis this year.

Oh! Speaking of ME, last but not least, my first show will feature the most amazing 'extremely green' company of all.

You are not going to believe this one:



Yep, they have a whole line of personal care items that are made from, now brace yourself, YOU!!

No, I'm not kidding!

Here is a breakdown of the stuff in that picture that will be featured on my first show:

1) YOU! Herbal tea ~ made from the choicest ingredients picked from between your toes after you have spent the day out weeding in your garden (the garden you grow after using the Chum Chipper, of course!).

2) YOU! Back scratcher * ~ made from your own recycled arm, hand and finger bones (after the inevitable unfortunate accident which is bound to happen while using the Chum Chipper, of course! *Only available if you immediately use the emergency shut off switch and enough of your severed arm is intact to harvest parts from!).

3) YOU! Loofah pads ~ made from the dry skin peeled off of your feet and elbows, glued together with the plaque from your own teeth!

4) YOU! Lip balm ~ made from your own recycled ear wax!

5) YOU! Body oil ~ made from, you guessed it! Your own body oil, of course!

6) YOU! Bath soap ~ made from fat that you retrieve from your severed arm in the process of making your YOU! Backscratcher.

Yep, so there you have it, a special sneak peek of the first guests that will be on my new show.

Thanks, I can't wait, either!! Because, you know, I hope to be recycling A LOT of green myself by the time it's all over:


Hooyah!!

Yep, and since Jesus is not only my taco truck driver but also my very wise and reliable financial adviser, he has plans for me to invest all of that green into this green:


Heh, that should sustain us both for QUITE a long time.

Well, for at least a month.

OK, probably for about a week and a half, knowing how Jesus loves to go green. Hmmm, for some odd reason I'm craving some tacos now and some of that sticky, imported "incense" he always sells at the taco truck.

Anyhoo, see you on the Discovery Channel soon!! Oh, and don't forget to always GO GREEN!!! (to the feckin' Extreme!), even when I'm not around.

Don't give me that look, dammit!!

:p

This post is dedicated to all of those who love to go green over at humor-blogs.com and was also inspired by and is dedicated to a very funny environmentalist friend of mine who probably knows where to score recycled condoms over at earthandeconomy.com

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to a couple of fellow bloggers who are deserving of my newly redesigned Offended Blogger Award:


I chose Cathouse Teri and Truckindog this week for my award, because they are both unafraid to offend and one of them even posted this quiz for me to take:

What Does Your Underwear Say About You Quiz





You Are A Playmate


You are very sensible and down to earth. You enjoy being a little bit sexy and naughty at times. You still have got it when it comes to the bedroom with a guy. Maybe this weekend is time for one of those special nights.


Find out what your underwear says about you at QuizTank.com

You'll have to go visit their blogs to find out who it was that got me to reveal what my undies say about me though. :)

So congrats to them both and I hope you all have a great weekend. The weather is supposed to be shitty here so I will be stuck inside and you better feel sorry for me while you are out enjoying the sunshine dammit, because I know none of you are crazy enough to live up here in Idaho like I do (well, except Don, and I think he's crazier than I am!!!!!). ;)

Oh, before you go, here is a very funny and naughty and potentially offensive commercial for your enjoyment:

:p

They are ALL crazy over at humor-blogs.com

The "WTF?!! Friday" Offensive

Hey fellow offenders, it's time for WTF?! Friday again!!
So, um, not to make you feel guilty or anything but I will be HIGHLY offended if you don't play along with me on this and every single upcoming and consecutive WTF?! Friday.

What do you mean, 'why'?!

Hey, you may or may not know this but I am very emotionally fragile from all of the offenses committed against me while growing up as the youngest of five (very not-nice) siblings, so I don't handle rejection well!

That's right.

It was like living in a POW camp, only with more duct tape. In fact, I probably have PTSD from all of that duct tape! So do you really want to add to my need for duct tape therapy by refusing to play along on my WTF?!! Friday Offensive?!!

Awww, thanks!! I knew you'd understand.

Don't tell the other #1 fans, but between you and me, you're my favorite offender! :)

Anyhoo... this week's WTF?! Friday is entitiled:

"WTF?! Were My Parents Thinking When They Let Me Do This?!!"

(Yes, that IS me circa age 10 sitting in the almond orchard behind my house!)

The rules are simple! Let's see if you can guess what I was up to (with my parent's permission, mind you!) just using clues from my picture. Whoever gets it right on Monday will get an EXTRA SPECIAL prize.

Just for clarity, here are up-close images of what is there in the picture with me, starting with:

1. My rolled up Hello Kitty beach towel:


2. My Hello Kitty swim floaties on my arms:

3. My suntan lotion:


4. A box of raisins:

Oh, and clue #5 is:

5. the irrigation canal in the orchard which had a railroad track with parked box cars next to it


Now, you tell me, WTF?! was I doing and WTF?! were my parents thinking when they let me do it??

Have fun, and watch over the weekend for my Weekender Offender post, you might be featured in it!!

;)

Sometimes, I wonder WTF?! some of them are thinking over at humor-blogs.com

The "Skirt Wearing Eunuch Pills" Offensive

You know, if I were of the penile persuasion, which thankfully I'm not, I'd be a little more than offended about the Communist attempt to turn me into a skirt wearing eunuch!!

Hey, I'm serious, haven't you read their manifesto?

Well I have, and believe me, #63 on their list is to use subliminal messages in order to psychologically manipulate all non-communist men into becoming skirt wearing eunuchs so that they can take over the world.

Don't look at me like that.

It's true!

You tell me, haven't you noticed that everywhere you turn, you are bombarded with images of sad, impotent men portrayed like this:


Yep, they want all men to believe that their penis, if they even have one, won't work correctly without one of those pills and and guess who invented those pills to begin with?!

That's right.

They invented fluoride, too, but that's a whole other conspiracy for another day.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., don't you know that it is politically incorrect to talk bad about communists and penises and eunuchs?! Aren't you afraid of the thought police coming to silence you?!".

Oh, please!!

Don't you realize that the commies are also the ones who invented the thought police?!

Heh.

Yep, and believe me, I am not afraid of them, in fact, they are afraid of ME!!

Why?!

Because they know that I know that they invented all of those pills, (not to mention fluoride!) and do you know why they want every man around the world to take their little pills?

Yep, so that they can turn real men from this:


Into this:


Seriously!

I mean, just look at that guy.

He practically screams; "hey, thanks for the penis pills, Commies!! I'm a eunuch now who doesn't even have a penis at all anymore so come on over and invade my country. Hey, I'll even make you a nice cup of chamomile tea when you get here!!!".

I KNOW, IT IS JUST NOT RIGHT, DAMMIT!!!

Communist bastards.

That's exactly what they want, though!!

Yep, before long they will turn all the men in the world from this:


Into this:


It is sad!!

Pretty soon we won't be seeing any men who look like this:


Because they will all take so much Viagra that they'll just eventually morph into this:


I know.

It really sucks.

I mean, between you and me, he might look tough on the outside but let's face it, that freakish product of pharmaceuticals can't defend us against a communist invasion when he breaks down and starts bawling because he broke a nail!

Too bad nobody believes me and they all just keep allowing themselves to be subliminally manipulated into loading up on those pills, too because honestly, I'm going to miss all the real men when they are gone!!

:*(

This post will be going up over at my political humor blog, The Offended American soon and I will bet you that every single man is hopped up on some of those communist pills over at humor-blogs.com !!!

The "Pope's 4/20" Offensive

Hey, no offense, but isn't the Pope supposed to be setting a good example for the rest of us?? You tell me, just what the hell was he thinking, driving around America on 4/20 like this:


You know that bastard probably didn't even share with his popemobile chauffeur, either!!

:p

I bet they celebrated 4/20 over at humor-blogs.com !!

The "WTF?! Friday" Offensive

Hey fellow offenders, it's Friday again and time to play WTF?! Friday! Whoever plays along wins a special prize on Monday and whoever doesn't will be hearing from my team of lawyers because I will be irrevocably damaged emotionally and dammit, I will make you compensate me for it!!

:)

WTF?! is with my family tree?!!



(Yes, that IS me, circa age 11!)

So... sometime during the year when I was at the highly impressionable age of 11, my uncle on my Mom's side finished up years of work he had put in to researching our family genealogy.

When he sent our family the copy of the book he had compiled, I was shocked and a bit traumatized to find out that in my veins coursed the blood of an infamous crazy person!!

So... this should be easy...

W(ho)TF?! do you suppose it is that I am directly related to??

Was it:

1) Rebecca Nurse ~ Crazy old lady hung for witchcraft in Salem Village, MA:

2) Geronimo ~ Crazy Native American warrior:

3) Vlad the Impaler ~ Crazy Romanian who inspired the story of Dracula:

Good luck!!

I wonder WTF?! is in their family trees over at humor-blogs.com

~ * My Favorite Offenders * ~

Blogroll Me!

If you have added me to your blogroll, please let me know and I'll return the favor!! :)

The "But I Don't Want to Grow Up!!!" Offensive

So the other day I started to get a bit offended as I was trying to explain to my hubby all about why being grown up really isn't better than being a kid. He just didn't seem to get it and it was really pissing me off!!!

I mean, how could he not understand that life was SO much easier before adulthood?

I gave him so many reasons why I'd give anything to go back to that blissful time in my life before I worried about 'adult things'.

Like, for instance, there was a time when I had NO idea that I'd have to grow up and worry so damn much about these people:

Now, I not only worry, I want to do something to help them and I feel completely powerless, which really sucks.

:*(

Yeah.

So I told him all about how I really enjoyed the complete ignorance I used to have when all I thought about China was this:


Between you and me, why can't China just be about that cool ass wall and sweet and sour chicken, instead of all the other shit they do, which includes killing all those poor Tibetan people?!

Fucking Chinese bastards.

Ugh.

Oh, and since that didn't convince him, I tried explaining to my hubby about how I distinctly remember a time when a graph about the stock market was something completely foreign to me:


Now not only do I look at such graphs, but I actually understand them and worry about the data that is in them and how it affects our portfolio!!

Yes, I said it - portfolio.

Who the hell ever expected they would grow up and have a retirement portfolio that is directly affected by the fluctuation of the stock market?!

Honestly.

Just saying 'stock market' really makes me miss the days when the only time I 'played the market' was when me and my little friends would pretend to shop with our Monopoly money and these:

Heh.

Do you think we worried about rising food prices due to rising fuel costs or how NAFTA affected the quality of the goods and services we bought with our Monopoly money?

Hell no!

Did we care if the fake coffee we bought was purchased through "Fair Trade" practices?!

Of course not!

We didn't even pretend to wash our fake fruits and vegetables before we pretended to eat them, because back then, we didn't know we could die from eating unwashed fruits and vegetables!!

Do I know that now?

Ugh.

Oh, and the words 'housing' and 'bubble' were NEVER used in the same sentence in MY vocabulary, well at least not up until I was unwillingly forced into adulthood:

And now?

Ha!

Now, I not only talk about the housing bubble, but I can give a very grown up opinion on what I believe led up to it and what impact it will have on the US and global economy!!

Do you know what is worse?

I even know who Ben Bernanke is, and I can tell you all about Alan Greenspan and how his fiscal policies led us into this fucking housing bubble and why I think Congress needs to butt the hell out and let it play itself out rather than bailing out all of those god damned investors who don't deserve it!

Ugh, again!!

See? I even sound all grown up ranting about it, don't I? :p

Gosh, I'd give anything to trade that stupid 'housing bubble' phrase back in for 'Hello Kitty Bubble Gum' instead:


Oh, and besides all that, what about all the pressure I feel if I don't do this every time an election comes up:


Hey, I'd love to say "fuck you!" to whoever made that button, because maybe I don't want to vote smart!!

Hell, maybe I don't want to vote at all!!

Did that occur to them?!

Oh, nooo... because I'm an adult, so they think that I HAVE to vote.

I owe it to society even if I think all of the candidates are fucking devil-worshipping cannibals who sacrifice small children to Molech each year at Bohemian Grove while they plot the next step in their plan for bringing about the one world order that will destroy us all:


Yeah, like I needed to know about that shit!!!

I'd much rather just go back in time when the most interest I had in politics revolved around this:



Haha, yep, I loved that one too!

Gosh, life was so much simpler back then.

Back before I became an adult and learned about the poor Tibetans, worried about my portfolio and the stock market, or knew who Alan and Ben were or how they contributed to the housing bubble, or felt obligated to vote for some devil-worshipping cannibal bent on world domination!!

I mean, I'd like to think that I have a real shot at world domination, I don't need to know I have such stiff competition!

Bastards.

:(

Anyhoo... like I said, I tried telling my hubby all my reasons of why I think it really sucks being a grown up, but even after explaining these things to him he still didn't agree that being a kid was better.

It didn't take long before I eventually had to agree with him, too!!

Yep, all it took was for him to remind me that back then, before I became a woman, there was only one definition in my vocabulary for this:


Haha. I just love him and his simple way of looking at things and as usual, he was right!

Being a grown up is sooooooooooo worth putting up with all that other stuff.

Hooyah!!

:)

There are plenty of people who haven't grown up yet over at humor-blogs.com :)

The "Hey, LOBO, You Can Run but You Can't Hide!!" Offensive

OK, I admit that I was a bit offended after I found out that LOBO used me as a guinea pig for his little "Inside the Blogger Mind" Control Group experience. So, I decided I was going to seek revenge on him for his malicious portrayal of me as being some kind of maniacal blogger who only thinks about one thing - global annihilation:


I know!!

I mean, anyone who knows me knows this is simply NOT true!! I am much more like Mary Poppins than he gives me credit for:


Honestly! That's the real me!!

OK, so maybe I think about global domination but I don't want to annihilate everyone, I only want to annihilate the ignorant and the easily offended (which make up roughly 97.4% of the human race).

Well, and now LOBO, who I added to my list for revenge purposes.

Hey, I think it is very generous of me to leave almost 3% of the population intact! The world would be a much better place for me and whoever I allow to survive.

Of course, since this is MY little fantasy, I would be the only female left and all the men would have to wear kilts.

Or else they have to look like tattooed up biker types.

Well, or bull riders.

Or a combination of the three.

Hooyah!!

Ugh.

See?

Now I'm all flustered and it's all LOBO's fault!! Yet another reason to put him on my Global Annihilation list.

Of course, now that I think about it, what if LOBO actually looks good in a kilt?

Damn.

How can I put him on my list and risk missing out on this:


Not only that, but what if he looks even better as a tatooed biker type:


Ugh.

Worst of all, what if he looks even MORE better as a bull rider:


Well that's just great!

I mean, you tell me, how could I put him on my list and not let him be in the top 3% of survivors, knowing the possibility is there that he looks good as a kilt-wearing, biker/bullrider?!

Ugh.

Hell, now that I think of it, I could even imagine him as a rock star and so I have no choice but to add that to my list of what the male survivors can look like in my post-annihilation fantasy world:


Damn that LOBO!!

This totally makes my thoughts of putting him on my list and getting revenge on him really difficult.

Then again.... another thought just crossed my mind.

Hmm... what if LOBO, despite being able to pull of the whole kilt wearing, tattoed-up, biker/bullrider/rockstar look, has been really secretly hiding the truth from us all and distracting us from it by putting the spotlight onto other bloggers like myself?!

Ha!

I bet I am onto something here, and I bet that in HIS little blogger mind, he really only thinks about this:



BWAHAHAHA!!!!

I bet it's true!

Just the thought that LOBO might really be one of those easily offendable metrosexuals you always hear about on Fox News leaves me with no choice but to put him back on the list of who I am going to annihilate when my global domination plan finally gets put into action.

Which should be pretty soon.

I don't think I can take it much longer since the ignorant and easily-offended are multiplying more and more each day.

Heh.

Even if he ISN'T a metrosexual, putting LOBO back on that list will serve him right for thinking bad thoughts about me.

Yep, that will teach him!

:)

A few of the men over at humor-blogs MIGHT be in the top 3% of survivors, it all depends on if they have the legs to pull of the kilt look!

The "Don't Offend the Midgets!!" Offensive

An actual Dear Abby letter:

DEAR ABBY: This is the third time the subject has come up in conversation, and we need an answer so we can stop arguing. The question: Is it OK to call a Little Person a midget or a dwarf? Should they just be referred to as Little People or LPs? Please tell me what is correct. -- LITTLE PROBLEM IN SEATTLE

DEAR LITTLE PROBLEM: Most people of any height would prefer to be referred to by name rather than labeled. However, according to the Billy Barty Foundation, terms such as "dwarf," "little person," "LP" and "person of short stature" are all acceptable. The term "midget" is considered offensive by most people of short stature because the term dates back to 1865, the height of the "freak show" era, when it was applied to proportionate dwarves who were on display for public amusement.

Now, I'm not so sure I agree with Dear Abby on this one, so I thought I'd interview a few dwarves, gnomes and leprechauns to get their take on this whole 'midget' vs 'little people' business:

Hmm, I think I'm going to have to go with Grumpy on this one.

;)

I happen to be one of the midgets on display over at that freak show I call humor-blogs.com

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and I am too tired to do anything except to dedicate this Weekend Offender to Dan over at Disqus for helping me fix my brand new comment thingy!!

I spent hours yesterday trying to install it, and messed it all up (because I suck!) but he really helped me out and it should be working with this new post, and all my old Blogger comments should be back where they are supposed to be so...

Hooyah!! :)

Anyhoo... since I had such a hard time with my comment thingy, I decided to leave my WTF?! Friday Offensive up all weekend long to give everyone a chance to play along, and so I have time to properly recant the whole TRUE sordid tale for you on Monday!!

So go one post down and play along, and also, here is a link to some really FUNNY comments that were kinda lost in the shuffle on Friday but luckily were saved at Disqus:

http://offendedblogger.disqus.com/the_wtf_friday_offensive/#comment-326398

Oh!!

And then...

...well, then there is this comment...

.......which an "anonymous admirer" sent me via email just now:

OK, In a few idle moments between developing a fool-proof plan for World Peace, solving Global Warming, and developing a pain-free method for dealing with unwanted ear-hair, (hint: make it a fashion statement) I have taken a look at the newest contest on the Offended Blogger by utilizing my astonishing mental capacities and a fortuitous talent for looking "outside the box" (Often even going so far as to check my sock drawer or that catch-all shelf in the laundry room for answers.)

Many will no-doubt mistakenly approach this conundrum by assuming that these clues refer to yet another traumatic incident in Chelle B.'s past. This is of course, and I use the technical term here, nuts.

Chelle B. is a towering intellect, a masteress of the written language, and looks incredible in a camo-bikini. (See my new pay-per view website: "Chelle 'B' Hot".com ) Therefore, we can quickly rule out any simplistic childhood trauma with regard to her contest solution.

So let us begin:

First we establish a time frame. We are told that the quarter is "shiny" and "new" in 1980. We are also give to understand that Chelle B. is eight at the time the supposed "incident" occurred. Using these to facts, It is therefore safe to say that Chelle B. was born in 1974.

If true, this would make her 34 years old.

But of course, anyone who has seen the pictures I've seen, (and you haven't,...Unless... you are a member of my new pay-site, only $135.00 per month for basic membership (6 month minimum)) would know that she can't possibly be more than 23. Twenty five tops. I mean, wait till you see her in that elk-skin teddy! (Special price, this month only. Use Don in the special discount box.) But I digress. Let's take a look at the other clues:

We see that Every Other Clue is actually a cry of sexual frustration! (Steady there. Lets keep our prurient interests in check here!. We are dispassionate seekers of truth!) Chelle B. is obviously crying out with some un-met desire.

Twin-size water Bed. (I mean come on!)A "sleep over" to which she was "uninvited". (duh!)The park around the corner (An attempt to hide away, to escape.)

The "Lunch Box" My God! Freud in his seminal work "Über das Rückenmark niederer Fischarten" said, 'Ich habe einen blauen Vogel in meinem Lunch Box' I don't think we can argue with that.

So...What is this unmet desire, this driving compulsion, that is causing this desperate cry for help from Chelle B.?Obviously, the answer lies in her repeated use of the phrase: "Hello Kitty."

Using my own often-marveled at mental powers, I have re-arranged the letters in 'Hello Kitty' and solved the puzzle.

Hello Kitty = hot kilt ley(We can forgive the poor child her misspelling of the last word. No doubt the excitement was too much for her.)

So. We see that Chelle B. is expressing her frustration concerning someone who is known for kilts (or possibly plaids, yes, I'm sure its plaids.) Someone more mature (note her attempt to appear older than she really is). Someone who lives in a Park-like setting. And obviously someone who has the intelligence to look "outside of the lunch box".

Obviously, this "Mystery Man" is aware of her desires. I mean, it was all so obvious. To the right kind of mind.And thus I win another taco.

Haha!! I know!!!

OK, it was actually from Don Lewis, and after you stop LYAO, you can go visit his oh-so-funny blog at It's a Funny Thing and tell him how great he looks in that kilt.

He really does, and he really also loves to hear it, believe me!!!

Hey, how do you think I got his attention?

It wasn't the camo bikini pics I sent him, I assure you.

;)

It's a Funny Thing is over there with me on the front page of humor-blogs.com go check us out!!

The "WTF?! Friday" Offensive

Hey fellow offenders, it's Friday again and time for my 2nd installment of WTF?! Friday!

Hooyah!!

The rules are SO simple! I give you a picture of myself along with 5 clues and you try to figure out the ugly facts of the TRUE offensive tale all on your own.

I'll post the whole true and terribly sordid story from my traumatic childhood over the weekend on my Weekender Offender post.

Whoever plays along will win something really great!!.

(Last week it was free tacos from Jesus's taco truck!! Yumm!!)

Ok!

So... here is this week's picture and 5 clues, along with the title of the story:

WTF?! Happened to my Sister's New Kitten???

(Yes, that IS me circa age 8!!)

1) my twin sized waterbed (with a Hello Kitty comforter, of course!)

2) my sister's best friend's sleep over party that I was NOT invited to! :(

3) the park around the corner

4) my Hello Kitty lunch box

5) a shiny, new, 1980 quarter

Good luck figuring this one out!!

:p

There are cute kittens missing over at humor-blogs.com too!!

The "You Like It, It Likes You!" Offensive

So no offense, but I LOVE old things!! The older, the better! In fact, last year, I found this old 7-up can which I thought was so frigging cool, because not only was it old and rusty but it was obviously from the era before they made pop-tops on soda cans.

Plus, whoever opened it with a can opener did so on the bottom, leaving it looking as though it had never been opened:

See what I mean?!!

I just love that can!!

Yes, I am a dork, I admit it. :)

It really cracks me up that the slogan on the 7UP cans back then was "You like it... it likes you!".

Hahaha! People were so naive back then.

So anyhoo, that got me to thinking, whoever is old enough to have carelessly tossed my little treasure off onto the side of the road where I found it is probably pretty damn old themselves by now!

Then I started to wonder..


...would I would love them as much as I love that old 7UP can?

Hmmm....

Then it dawned on me!!

Oh my god, all those old bastards will be headed to Yellowstone any moment:


UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, I can hear it now; every 'over 55' retirement RV park in Arizona and New Mexico is rumbling with the sound of a million RV engines right at this very moment.

Those old people are getting out their large-print maps and 8 inch thick reading glasses so they can find their way back up here, again, JUST TO TORMENT ME!!!

Honestly.

I don't think I can survive another year of this.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Oh, come on now, Chelle, it can't be THAT bad, they are just cute little old people and you said you love old things!".

Ha!!

I only love old, inanimate objects, if you want to know the truth!

I mean, have YOU ever been run off the road by one of these guys driving around in just their little cars:

Yeah?!

Well try sharing the road with a million versions of him driving one of these:

See?!

Hey, I am not kidding, it seems like the older they get, the worse they drive and the bigger their RV's are!!

It is a conspiracy, I tell you. They want vengeance on us for them getting old, as if we are somehow responsible!

Hell, even the buffalo are afraid of them:

Yeah, I feel sorry for the buffalo, but not as sorry as I feel for me! The buffalo can move out of the way of those crazy bastards.

Well, sometimes. It isn't uncommon for them to lose track of the pavement and run down a herd of buffalo that are grazing a thousand yards from the highway.

Ugh.

You know, this year, I have half a mind to just steal Jesus's taco truck and head down south:


Heh.

At least I won't have to worry about being run over by those crazy old people in their oversized RV's, and plus, I won't have to wait in line to get a taco either.

OK, I admit it, that is what really bothers me the most.

Those old bastards are awake at 4am and always get down there to the taco truck before I do, because they are ready for lunch at like 10am!!!

That's about the time I am ready for my breakfast tacos with extra, extra jalepenos and I don't want to have to wait in line!

Why should I?

I'm Jesus's #1 fan, you know.

They don't even know him, really, let alone do they appreciate the sacrifice he makes daily slaving over that hot stove.

Ugh.

I wish those old bastards would just go to Canada instead.

:p

Sometimes, I like them and they like me over at humor-blogs.com

The "Good Old Days" Offensive

No offense, but don't you miss the good old days?! I know I do! People are all so frigging uptight now, most of them are sporting those big offending sticks up their asses, and it really pisses me off.

I mean, back in the good old days, people were so much happier!

They didn't worry about every little thing, they just lived life to the fullest and they encouraged their kids to do the same:


Honestly, do you see that level of father/son happiness today?!

No, you do not, because people are so frigging uptight now, and would rather be miserable bastards and since misery loves company, they want their kids to be miserable little bastards, too.

Ugh.

Kids were much happier back in the good old days, probably because they were allowed to smoke candy cigarettes and play with real toys:

Hey, we both know that nothing makes a kid happier than shooting at other kids with their barrel smoking, cylinder revolving, Bullet Loading Fanner 50!!

It's no wonder kids are miserable today!!

You tell me, isn't a happy little bastard with a fake gun much less dangerous than a miserable little bastard with a real gun??

Exactly.

Yep, and back in the good old days, it was a good thing when a teacher spanked your kid:


Unlike today, because when you hear about a teacher spanking a kid it's always some perverted, wannabe porn star doing it and despite what Van Halen tried to sell us on in the 80's, that is not a good thing for our children.

Ugh.

Oh, and back in the good old days, women weren't so vain, either, like the ones you see now:


Hey, they were just happy to be able to feed their kids, they didn't have time to worry about what their hair looked like or if their tits were the right size or if their lips were "plump" enough!!

Do you see that sort of contentment in today's woman?

I think not!!

Hell, back in the good old days, it was probably hard to care about whether your tits were the right size when not just your favorite soda but even your favorite toothache medicine had an extra special "happiness inducing" ingredient added to it:


Oh yeeeahhhh....

Coke and liquor were the instant cure for EVERYTHING back in the good old days!!

Not that they aren't today, but back then, your miserable bastard neighbors didn't look down on you for it because they were doing it, too!!

Ugh.

Not to mention that back in the good old days, if you happened to have a neighbor you absolutely hated, you could just accuse them of demonic possession or witchcraft and people would believe you:


Ha!

That was practically a guarantee that you'd have a new neighbor in no time!!

Well, and back in the good old days, if that didn't pan out for you, there was always a good chance that the black plague would come along and kill them, their children and their annoying dog who always shit in your yard:


Yep, those were definitely the good old days.

Gosh, I'd give anything to live back in the good old days!!

Especially right now, since my neighbor's dog, George, is back in my yard again for the 27th time this week.

Ugh.

Friggin' George.

I wish I had a barrel smoking, cylinder revolving, Bullet Loading Fanner 50 to shoot at him with.

Or even some of that toothache medicine from the good old days to help me feel better.

Maybe I should just go get some liquor, instead.

:p

I hear they're all hopped up on toothache medicine over at humor-blogs.com

The "Church Signs Say the Darndest Things Part 2" Offensive

I don't know why, but Sundays always make me feel like casting aside my offensive thoughts to take the time to contemplate the deeper, more spiritual things in my life. It is a day for reflecting on all my blessings and to really work on being a better person.

OK, I'm lying, Sundays make me really only think of two things:

1) I wish Jesus's taco truck was open today.

2) The church sign generator is too much frigging fun to play with!

My first round of church signs still brings more traffic to my blog than any other post to date so I thought it was time for round 2.

Enjoy!!











:)

They say the darnedest things over at humor-blogs.com too!!

The Weekender Offender

Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again, and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to my older brother and sister, as well as my therapist who has really helped me to get over all of the offenses that those two bastards committed against me as a child!!

Ugh.

If you only knew!!!

I was seriously traumatized by them.

Seriously!!

Anyhoo... for my WTF?! Friday Offensive, I gave you, my #1 fan, a picture of my sad self circa age 10, along with a list of clues that told the whole sordid tale of the terrible offense that I had to endure.

SOME of you were so very, very, VERY close that I couldn't believe you hadn't somehow been part of the sick and twisted sibling conspiracy that was formulated at my house to silence my small, yet very, very insistent voice that I possessed as a tiny, defenseless non-offender!!

The rest of you were soooooooo far off, it wasn't even funny.

OK, I take that back, it was funny, in fact every one of them were all HILARIOUS so thank you for playing along and you all win one of these:


But you have to share them with me!! :)

Now then, my therapist has given me the "thumbs up" signal, and my anxiety pills have kicked in, so I ready to tell you the rest of the story....

If you remember, we started with that picture and the following clues:

1) duct tape
2) babysitting
3) a MEAN older brother and sister
4) a very, very, VERY dark coat closet
5) a cassette tape recorder

(I actually forgot to add "baseball bat" to the list as you can see that bastard brother of mine ^^ up there holding one!).

ANYHOO... it all started when my parents left us three home alone for an evening, and since they were 14 and 15, and didn't need a babysitter, guess who was left in charge of little ol' me?!

Yes, it was unfair!!!!

I mean, I had my Hello Kitty Easy bake oven in my room if I got hungry, my Hello Kitty portable tv that got 2.5 channels if I got bored, and my collection of Hello Kitty stuffed animals to keep me company.

I did NOT need them at all to watch over me, and frankly, I resented the whole thing!!

I still do, obviously. :)

Of course, being the 14 and 15 year old bastards that they were, they made me stay within view at all times and really enjoyed taunting me by using bad words in obscure languages (like Pig Latin and Chinese Slang), and of course being the sweet and innocent non-offender that I was back then, it made my little ears bleed to hear such offensive language!!

I was sure that my parents would NOT approve, either, so, being the evil genius that I was (and still am!), I devised a plan to finally rid myself of these babysitting tyrants once and for all!!

I just knew they'd be sent off to some communist prisoner of war camp when I was through with them.

Sooooo.. while they were waiting for the Love Boat to come on and went off to make pop-corn in the kitchen, I sneakily snuck off to get my Hello Kitty cassette tape recorder, with every intention of hiding it under the couch where they were sitting!!

It would capture all of their offensiveness and secure my freedom!

Hooyah!!

Ugh.

It would have all went off without a hitch, too, except my sister caught me in the act, just as I hit the record button and slid it under the couch. :(

Things went drastically downhill from there, too.

You see, our house was one big circle, with HUGE rooms, so when I took off running from them, it was not easy for them to catch me.

In fact, it took quite the effort from both of them and I put up quite a fight.

I admit it, I kicked my brother in the balls and pulled my sister's hair before he used his baseball bat to finally trip me on the way by, but I was in fear of my life!!!

Of course then they both drug me, kicking and screaming every curse word that I knew at them, and they put me and my Hello Kitty cassette recorder in time out in the hall closet:



Now, they didn't use duct tape at first, that only came about when I wouldn't stop LOUDLY screaming curse words at them and pounding the door with my fist.

Haha, they even tried duct taping my feet, but I broke free from that and kicked on the wall of the closet (I didn't want to break the door and get in trouble!) until I wore myself out.

I know, it is sad!!

I fell asleep in that dark little space, and dreamed about my grown-up self living in paradise, where no mean brothers and sisters existed and where I would have a private island, taco delivery, my own red panda and a Hello Kitty laptop computer:


Hey, I did too know there would be Hello Kitty laptops some day!

Ahhhh.... I still dream of that island, actually.

Anyhoo, I only woke up when I heard the "CLICK" of my recorder coming to the end of the tape, and that's when I realized that they hadn't turned it off and I had recorded the entire event!!

At first I was sooooooo excited and I almost turned the evidence over to my parents, but after I listened to just a small part of it I realized that even though they'd be in trouble for duct taping me in the closet, I'd be in maybe even way more trouble for all the cursing that was caught on tape!!!

Ugh.

Yep, you guessed it, I destroyed the evidence by recording over it with Casey Kasem's show the next morning.

Hey, but I did tattle on them though, (of course I left out the part of me using bad words!) and they did get in trouble because my parents saw the residue of the duct tape on my mouth and hands!

They were grounded for a whole week and missed the 2 hour Love Boat special where Charro slept with Captain Stubing and had his love child.

I got to see it though!!

:)

Join in next week for WTF?! Friday, where I'll reveal what really happened to my sister's favorite cat.

I'm sure there are mean brothers and sisters at humor-blogs.com too, let's go duct tape their asses and throw them in a dark closet!!

The "WTF?! Friday Challenge" Offensive

That's right, I did make up my own cool 'day of the week thing', like Wordless Wednesday or Half Naked Thursday (which I chickened out of today) and I am calling mine "WTF?! Friday Challenge" and you better participate or I will say WTF?! and probably Fatwa you, too.

The rules are simple!!

I start by giving you a picture and some clues, and then you get to try and tell the whole "Offensive" story of the picture with the clues I give you!!

It SOUNDS pretty easy, huh?!

Hehe, we'll see. :)

So for my 1st installment of WTF?! Friday, I am starting with this picture of me at around age 10:


Now, here is a list of things that tell the story of that picture:

1) duct tape
2) babysitting
3) a MEAN older brother and sister
4) a very, very, VERY dark coat closet
5) a cassette tape recorder

Soooooo, can you tell the story with these clues??

Come on, give it your best shot!!!!

I'll post the whole sad and sordid tale over the weekend but whoever figures it out first wins... ummm, let's see... how about a gift certificate for some of Jesus's famous tacos??!

:)

So, WTF?! is up over at humor-blogs.com??

The "Cute, Cuter, Cutest!" Offensive

No offense, but some things are just SOOOOOOO DAMN CUTE it makes me sick. Especially little things. They are always the cutest. I dare you to name one thing that isn't cute in a minature version!

Just one.

Oh, heh, OK, well yeah, you're right about that one thing.

Those things are better when they come in large size, even extra, EXTRA large.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo... now I'm all flustered. Ugh. You are such a pervert!!

Now what the hell was I talking about??

OH YEAH!

Everything else is better miniaturized, take for instance these:


I KNOW!!! What sort of evil bastard could look at that thing and bash their head in with a club?!

Ugh.

They are so damn cute, just like this little guy:


Awwwwwwwww....

Yep, cute, cute, cute!!!!

Hell, even these are cute, all condensed and stuff:


Pretty damn yummy, too.

Hey, they are too!

You just have no taste. :(

Oh, but one of the CUTEST miniature things ever created by evil genius humans like myself who wield the power of genetic mutation has to be these:


Yes, those ARE real miniature cows, aren't they frigging ADORABLE?!?!

Seriously, I want one of those to go with my miniature goats I already have, plus I want a miniature llama. Ooooh, and a miniature buffalo and a miniature donkey, too.

That would be so CUTE!!!

Oh, and what about this little ball of fluff:


OK, so he grows up to be a frigging monster that eats like a horse, shits like an elephant and tears up the yard like a bulldozer, but you tell me, who couldn't love that little cutie pie in his miniature form?!!

The same with this one:


Ugh, I LOVE red pandas! Cutest creature ever!!!

If I hit the lottery, I'd open a red panda sanctuary and have thousands of them living in my big castle with me! They'd all sleep in my giant princess bed with me, too.

Hooyah!!

Even still, as cute as all of those things are, not one of those even compares to the cuteness of this little guy, though:

Yep, if I hit the lottery not only will I have a red panda sanctuary but I want my very own little drunken leprechaun to be my man-servant, too.

Maybe I'd make it into a red panda/leprechaun sanctuary and have a whole staff made up of those little bastards. They could be my gardeners, butlers, maids, pool boys, leg shavers...

Don't give me that look!

I'm not shaving my own legs when I'm rich, gosh!

Plus, admit it, isn't he just too damn CUTE?!!!!

But between you and me, instead of little leprechauns, I'd have to hire a team of these for my security force when I'm rich:

Hahaha!! That's right!!!

Who wouldn't want 100 of those little mini-jihadists with their very own nerf guns protecting your lottery enriched ass from robbers, poor family members and communists who disguise themselves as IRS agents?!!

That, my friend, is the epitomy of CUTE!!

In fact, she is frigging cuter than all the red pandas, baby seals and drunken leprechauns combined!!

Cutest thing ever, in fact.

Welllll... I take that back.

There is one thing cuter than all of them put together:


Smallest gun in the world and yep, I want one!!!

Definitely the cutest miniature thing EVER.

Well, besides me.

I am a bit short and I do have small feet.

Not as small as the leprechaun's or jihadist's, but still!!

They are pretty small.

My hubby thinks they are cute!

:p

Everyone is cute over at humor-blogs.com

The "Wordless Wednesday" Offensive

Scariest bitch EVER:

:p

Flying monkey's live at humor-blogs.com

The "You Really Suck and That's Sad!" Offensive

No offense, but I found this and it reminded me of you:

It's true!!

So between me and you, tell me, what the hell happened to you anyway? Let me guess, did your mommy not breastfeed you as a child, or what?

Ugh.

Honest, please stop coming here because I really can't stand you and your obnoxious comments anymore.

Hey, I'm serious!

In fact, Jesus hates you too, so stop going over to his taco truck. He told me today that he thinks you are such a whiny bitch and he pisses in your jalepeno juice.

Haha! I know!!

You deserve it too.

Really!!

Between you and me, I've never really liked you, I just put up with you because I feel sorry for you.

Heh.

My days of feeling sorry for you and being nice are over, I am going to be a rude bitch from now on,.

What, you don't fucking believe I can do it? Just ask Truckindog! He knows.

So, uh, see ya, loser.

Hey, don't give me that look.

I mean it.

Don't let the door hit your sorry ass on the way out!!

Oh... alright...

Awwwww, you know I love you, you're my #1 fan!!! :)

I had you fooled though, admit it.

Come on, I did too!!

Not at all?

WTF?!

Ugh.

:p

humor-blogs.com sucks, though. For real!