(Get your best dirty jokes and offensive posts ready folks, it's time for the Weekender Offender awards!!)

Oh, alright, I am painfully aware that it has been awhile since I handed out my lovely and highly coveted Weekender Offender award, and I've had a few e-mails bugging me about kindly reminding me that I am long overdue and seriously slacking on my duties here.

Soooo, I thought I'd better do something before the riots begin and I have to run all of you over with my monster truck!!

I know, that sounds kinda fun to me, too, now that I mention it! :)

Anyhoo... even though I have a few worthy nominees in mind already, I decided that this time I'd let you, my #1 fan, get in on this.

In order to win, all you have to do is hit me with your VERY BEST offense, whether it be an offensively dirty joke, or a link to an offensively great post you've written, or you can even nominate a fellow offender that you deem worthy!

Everyone who enters will receive the highly coveted Weekender Offender award:

Not only that but.....

....the bestest fecking offender of all will go in my higly coveted blogroll (if you aren't already in it) and they'll win a free advertising spot over -----> there, near the top of my sidebar until the next awards are handed out.

Which, knowing me and my ADD, could be weeks, or months, or even YEARS!

Hooyah!!

So, come on, hit me with your best offense. I will let this little game run through the weekend, and I'll announce the winners on Monday.

Good luck and may the best Weekender Offender win!!!

:)

They always offend me real gooooood over at humor-blogs.com!!

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You know, after visiting Becca and Kelly's offensively fun blog, Let's Bitch, it made me realize that I am really getting sick of hearing people bitch about stuff that they find offensive!!

Seriously.

I mean, you know me, I don't like to complain. If something offends me, I just ignore it and go on with my life. I don't obsess over it or bitch about it or tell everyone how offended I am!

For instance, take these communists who get all offended and uptight about what I eat. Now, you tell me, why exactly do they care what I ingest and/or digest??

What drives them to want to decide for me what I should do with my intestinal tract???

Honestly, who the hell are they to want to limit my God-given right to eat cows, or pigs, or chickens, or rabbits, or dogs, or cats, or hedge hogs, or hamsters, or even imported delicacies that come from far off and exotic lands like North Korea:


Hey, don't look at me like that.

For all you know, miniature Chinese communists taste good!!

Have you ever eaten them?!

Well, to be honest, neither have I, but if I did choose to eat them, it's my business and not yours, so don't try to tell me otherwise!

I didn't always feel this way, though.

In fact, at one time I even became a vegetarian for awhile.

Yep, it's true, and it all started after Jesus took me with him to pick up some of the fresh ingredients he uses to make my favorite taco truck tacos.

That's when he first introduced me to his cousin, Pedro, who just happens to work at one of the many places where Jesus gets free taco meat:


Yeah.

I know.

Believe me, it really frigging grossed me out after I saw Pedro sneeze all over my tasty taco meat!!

Ugh.

He didn't even wipe it off, either!!

Well, and you know me, my imagination tends to get a bit carried away when offensive things happen. So, of course I started wondering if Pedro even changed those gloves after using the bathroom or what kind of weird fetishes Pedro might have and what exactly did Pedro do when he was all alone with my taco meat if he had weird fetishes and...

I know!!!!!

YUCK!!!!!!!!!!

The thought of Pedro getting freaky with my taco meat and leaving fetish cooties all over it really turned me off of food altogether, so, naturally, I became a vegetarian!

Of course, that didn't last very long.

Between you and me, I blame Jesus and his all natural, meat-free, vegetarian tacos:


OK, they didn't look that nasty and I mean, it's not that they tasted bad, per say, but for some reason they made me deathly ill and I ended up hospitalized!

Which sucked, because more than anything, I frigging hate doctors. Technically, they are communists themselves because they always want to tell me what to do!!

Oh, and, get this... while I was in there, I was force-fed hospital "meat" by those communist bastards and believe me, after I thought about all the cooties that live and multiply in a hospital, and where that "meat" they forced me to eat might have been, Pedro's fetish cooties in my meat-filled Jesus tacos didn't sound so bad, after all!!

It's a good thing it all happened the way it did, really, because I actually became quite the activist after my vegetarian near-death experience.

Seriously, I really want people to know the truth:


Of course, I have to kickbox the crap out of a lot of PETA protesters who show up everywhere I go. They try to limit my freedom to offend them and others with the truth about vegetarian tacos, but hey, that's OK!!

It's a free country.

Yep, they are free to let me to kickbox the crap out of them anytime they'd like.

:)

Please go visit Let's Bitch and say hi to Kelly and Becca, and then click over to humor-blogs.com and sneeze some cooties all over their taco meat!!

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Soooo, now that I have all this extra time on my hands as a result of avoiding Mother Nature's wrath and the offensive sight of Mr. Euro dork (see post below), I decided it was time to do what's right and clean out a bunch of shit from my computer.

Boy, that was a mistake!

Please don't ask why, but there must be thousands of offensive photos scattered all over my hard drive!!

The worst part is, they've been there so long now that I don't even know how most of them got there or what my original intent was for them!

Not only that, but let me just say that a few of them even managed to offend me when I looked at them again.

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., so, uh, just how offensive are these photos? Are we talking bad enough that if Google saw them they would put you away in a secret Google prisoner of war camp somewhere in eastern Russia for the next 50 years?! Would you end up being the big, scary, Google prisoner of war camp warden's bitch and would she make you scrub every single inch of both her and all of the toilets down every night with your Google issued toothbrush and then make you watch...".

Hey!

Stop it already!!

No, I don't have anything that bad, well except for the ones with me and Jesus, but still!

Actually, those pictures are still in my camera, most of the one's that Google can hack in and see on my computer are just random pictures that they've already seen since I pilfered them from Google images to begin with. :)

Hey, don't give me that look, I have a disclaimer at the bottom of this page that explicitly protects my right to pilfer other people's stuff!!

For some reason, though, as much as I found these pilfered goodies worthy at the time, they just didn't make it past the editing room floor, so I guess I just have to throw them out.

Like for instance, this one:


Hmmm... you know, I kind of like him and his hose the more I look at him.

Yeah.

He's got it going on.

In fact, I think I'll keep that one and use it for some future post about what it will be like living in a post Apocalyptic world with cyborg men who have hoses instead of penises or something.

Oh, and speaking of penises, then there's this one, which, the more I look at it, the more I am intrigued by it, too:


For those of you who sat out Economics 101, that's Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, and apparently he is bragging about his *ahem* "portfolio" size while he testified before Congress.

Heh.

Dirty old bastard. :)

I always thought he was a closeted pervert!

Knowing him, I bet he was exaggerating a bit there, too, but really, who cares? He's as old as dirt and richer than the frigging Pope, so it really doesn't matter if he even has a portfolio at all at this point in his life.

Oh, and speaking of the Pope, I also found this picture of him and saved it, but for some unknown reason I just never used it:

Hey, that is the Pope proselytizing himself, isn't it?!

Oh, alright, I know that's not the Pope.

Obviously it has tits so I am thinking it is just some nun who is having a rough morning after an all-nighter at the rectory.

That looks painful, too!!

Seriously, though, I have no clue who that is supposed to be and no offense or anything, but I don't really care to care, either.

All I know is that it's considered "art" by some modern day weirdo, and all I can think is 'holy shit, what the fuck is wrong with people that they find that at all worthy of attention and/or recognition?!'

I mean... is that supposed to be entrails coming out of her ass?!

If so, that is just wrong on so many levels and whoever created that piece of "art" needs to be seriously evaluated by a team of medical professionals, committed to an asylum and then accidentally electrocuted during shock therapy.

And then run over by my monster truck a few dozen times.

Ugh!!

Anyhoo, this next one is much better and sure to offend everyone, so I'm not quite sure why I haven't put it to good use yet:
Hey, I guess I just did, didn't I?!

Oh, come on, now, admit it, that is funny!!!

I mean, I'm not really even a big gay liberal or anything, but hell, I'd buy it!!! Then I'd make my ginormous dog, Brutus, wear it.

Then, I'd walk him through town on Sunday afternoon, right past the disturbingly big Mormon Temple with all the disturbingly Mormon Mormons hanging around outside in the parking lot, doing whatever it is they do, like proselytizing each other in their sacred underwear.

Heh.

I'd love to see their faces if I did that! Brutus hates Mormons and wants to eat them as it is. :)

You know, the more I look through my little collection of offensive pictures that I scraped off of Google images, the more I think that I should just go find some more to use and maybe write a new Offensive about stuff like, oh I don't know, how I want Brutus to eat those annoying Mormon bastards?!

Or.... I could just say to hell with it for today, go order that shirt for my dog and then hit up on Jesus down at the taco truck.

Hooyah!!

That sounds like a much better plan.

Mmmmm, tacos.

:p

Hungry? Click over to humor-blogs.com, Jesus's taco truck is parked over there.

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Well, I don't know what the hell I did to offend that bitch Mother Nature, but for the third time now I've had to postpone a camping trip into Yellowstone Park since she is obviously trying to kill me every time I step outside.

Seriously.

I can't even go out there anymore because every time I do bad things happen and I know she wants me dead but I have no idea why!

I mean, her and I have always gotten along so well and we agreed that I would suffer through the arctic winters as long as if by June she made it look like this here so that I can go outside and soak up the warmth and the beauty that is spring and summer here in the Greater Yellowstone area:


Yeah.

I know.

It really looks better in person, too, believe me.

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., are you crazy?! Why aren't you outside enjoying that incredible scenery, no matter what Mother Nature throws your way?!".

Ha!

Of course I'm crazy but do you have any idea what that bitch has in her arsenal to try and kill me with?! Lately she has been sending gale force winds and demon-faced clouds after me, and believe me, you do NOT want to mess with her demon-faced cloud minions:


See what I mean?!!

If it wasn't for them, I'd be sitting on my ass in my floaty chair, in my pool, outside in the warm sunshine, bitching to myself about how hot it was and how I wish winter would hurry up and come back.

Or, I'd be going to Yellowstone to camp and take pictures of the grizzly bears.

And to play in the mud with my truck.

Hooyah!!

Between you and me, though, I think Mother Nature isn't just after me, because I'm pretty sure she killed the dog already.

Hey, I'm serious!

I let him outside to do his thing but the wind was so strong that I couldn't open the door to let him back in, and well, it was just a good thing that I forgot to take my ADD pills and pick up the kids from wherever the hell they were or they'd have been pissed:


Oh well, I never really liked that dog anyway.

But I am afraid of my children, so for a few minutes today, I thought I was actually going to get to go outside and bury that poor bastard and maybe even get some sun if I had time before the kids hitchhiked home, but nooooo!!!

In fact, come to think of it, Mother Nature reminds me of my own mother, who was much the same way when I was growing up:


Hey, I'm not kidding!

That crazy, lithium-deficient, homicidal maniac tried to kill me more than once!

Of course, since I inherited half of my DNA from her, I was a bit of a lithium-deficient homicidal maniac myself, which is a good thing because it gave me the courage I needed to stand my ground with her.

I'm not ashamed to admit it, it got a bit ugly at times.

In fact, I'm sure that despite our efforts to hide the fact that were were both lithium-deficient homicidal maniacs, our neighbors were quite aware that things got a little crazy every now and then.

They probably even overheard me backtalking her once or twice during our little 'disagreements' over which one of us was more stubborn:


Heh.

It was definitely me.

Lucky for the neighbors though that I figured out if I spiked my mom's coffee with lithium, the homicidal tendencies she displayed would completely go away and we could all sleep in our beds in peace at night.

Well, OK, so technically it wasn't really lithium, it was LSD but, hey, it worked!

Alright, so it didn't really make the homicidal tendencies go away, but at least she was too busy killing imaginary rocking horse people who lived in the strawberry fields with their kaleidescope eyes instead of killing me!!

Anyhoo, it's not like I can spike Mother Nature's coffee with LSD and make this all go away, can I.

Ugh.

You know, though, the more I think of it, the more I realize that I don't care what the weather is doing because I don't want to go to Yellowstone anyway!!

Why??

Well, because every time I go, the same dork is there with his funny accent and bad attitude, wearing his stupid socks with his sandals:


Ugh.

He's never happy, either. All he does is walk around bitching instead of just appreciating what Mother Nature created here for him to overpay to see.

Heyyyyyy, you know what?

Maybe Mother Nature isn't after me at all!

Maybe she really wants to kill HIM for being such a sour puss dork. I know if I were her, I would want to!

Either way, I wish he'd just go to Florida and take this shitty weather with him.

:p

There are quite a few sour puss dorks who wear socks with their sandals over at humor-blogs.com

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Now, if you are of the penile persuasion, don't get all offended on me, but, guess what?! I am now a bra burning, card carrying, lifetime member of the Feminazi Man Hater Bitches Club!

That's right, and let me tell you, it is sooooo frigging liberating!!

Hey, don't give me that look, we both know that it was inevitable that I become one of them. I mean, I must have been the last female on the planet who hadn't converted to feminazi man haterism because every other female I know is one and to be honest, it was a bit lonely not being part of their club!

Not to mention dangerous.

Hey, those bitches can be quite mean to us non-members!!

Secretly, though, I've always wanted to be like them, particularly like one of these feminazi man hating bitches:

Yep!

And I actually owe it to them and all the other feminazi man hating bitches on daytime TV for giving me the courage to liberate myself and, more importantly, my oppressed tits:


Hooyah!!

Oddly enough, I never knew my tits were in bondage until I started watching daytime TV, but as soon as I found out I burned every single one of my bras.

OK, so technically I didn't actually burn my bras. I just stopped wearing them during my trial membership in case I changed my mind later.

Hey, I am not a fool! Those things cost me a shitload of money and I don't want to have to go buy all new ones in case I decide to leave the feminazi man haters club!!

Which I'm pretty sure I won't because I can't tell you how just how good it feels to finally let my tits free after all these years of bondage. Between you and me, I think my bras were always a bit too tight and it's probably what made me so damn cranky all the time!!

Well, that and all those moronic people who constantly piss me off and make me want to run them over with my monster truck.

Ugh!!!

Anyhoo, I really am grateful for all those daytime TV shows. They are the ones who taught me all about how my well endowed ancestors fought long and hard against the forces of penile evilness, just for me to have the right not to cater to my man's every penile whim and, more imporantly, to let my tits be free from his penile oppression:


Yep.

So, really, I owe it to them to be a bra burning, card carrying, lifetime member of the feminazi man hater club, right?!

Right!

I also owe it to all of those in third world countries who have their tits in bondage and look up to free and more fortunate women like myself as symbols of hope:


Awww!!! They are so sweet, I just can't let them down!!

Of course, between you and me, this whole 'joining the feminazi man-hater club' didn't go over so well with my hubby, who had grown particularly fond of having his penile whims catered to.

Day and night.

Over, and over, and...

Ugh!

So naturally, he was a bit shocked and offended when he came home from a long day of work and found that his sweet little bra wearing, usually non-man hating, highly appreciative and incredibly talented at penile-whim-catering wife was sitting on the couch bra-less.

Then he realized that I had suddenly turned into this:


Actually, he was way beyond pretty frigging pissed off, let me tell you!

In fact, if I remember correctly, his response was something like, "What the @#%$, Chelle?!! I don't work MY ass off all day just for you to sit on YOUR ass all day getting brainwashed by those man hating feminazi bitches on TV!! Now take the rest of your clothes off, make me some dinner, and cater to my penile whims, dammit!!"

Ha!

As if I would allow myself to be oppressed like that ever again.

Oh, alright, so I did, and there were even a few tears, but hey, it was only a temporary set back!!

The next day, while he was hard at work and after The View was over, I took off my bra and marched right out and hired this guy to do all of the so-called "women's work" around our house:


Yeeeeaaahhhh.

Needless to say, it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. I don't care what Dr. Phil says, men and women just aren't wired the same!

Ugh.

He wouldn't even make me coffee, let alone clean the toilets. He just sat there on the couch, hogging the remote and scratching himself, telling me to get him beers and make him food.

The bastard.

Oh, and it got worse, too!

When my hubby came home and found me sitting on my ass, watching Oprah without a bra on, that guy passed out on the couch next to me in a French Maid uniform, and all his beer and TV dinners gone, he was way, way, wayyyyy more pissed off than he had been the day before!!

Let's just say that there were a lot of tears this time.

And blood.

Well... and a lawsuit, but our lawyer says I can't talk about that right now.

Anyhoo, just like my feminazi man hating mentors on TV, I did not give up so easily!

The next day, while he was at the lawyer's office, I got off my ass, took off my bra, and ran right out and hired these feminazi man hating bitches to do all the so-called "women's work" around the house:


Heh. I thought I'd show my hubby who was boss this time!

It worked, too.

Would you believe that when he came home, he wasn't the least bit pissed off at all?! In fact, he was sooooo incredibly happy, he was the one who had tears in his eyes this time.

I know, weird! I guess he was embracing his feminine side while I exerted my feminazi side.

Yep, and I am so proud of him!!

He has really accepted the idea of me converting to feminazi man hatingism and now he caters to MY every need:


Welllllllll.... he catered to my needs at first, but then he became too busy making sure the new maids were taken care of, because as feminazi man hating bitches, they have whims that need catered to, too.

Apparently those bra-less bitches have a lot of whims!

In fact, I think he quit his job to take care of their whims full time because I haven't seen him leave the house in weeks.

Oh well. If I have to go get a job at the taco truck to support us for a while it's all worth it to be a feminazi man hating bitch because, honestly, it is a dream come true for me and I can't turn back now.

I just burned all my bras.

Gosh, I just hope Jesus doesn't require me to wear a bra to work!

:)

They all burned their bras in my honor over at humor-blogs.com!

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So no offense to all of you pathetic, non-handicapped couch potatoes out there who live vicariously through people like myself, but I decided that I am going to join the Special Olympics!!

Yep, and I bet I will even win third or fourth place in the ping pong division:


Hey, don't laugh!

I can blow wayyyyy harder than she can.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Uh, Chelle B., being handicapped is nothing to make fun of, what the hell is wrong with you?!"

Oh! I'm sorry! Didn't I tell you? I am officially handicapped now so I can officially make fun of my own kind, because that is the unwritten rule of offending.

That's right, I have Restless Leg AND Tourette's syndrome and now that I am handicapped, I even got one of these things to hang in my monster truck:


Awww, I knew you'd be upset, but hey, don't be jealous!

You might be handicapped and not know it!!!

Man, I'm glad it happened to me, because to be honest, I've always wanted one of those things for my monster truck. Now I can get the best parking spot at the Sportsman's Warehouse and at the taco truck!!

Hooyah!!

Come to think of it, Jesus will probably feel sooooo sorry for me when he sees how handicapped I am, and I bet he'll even give me free extra guacamole and sour cream on my tacos!

Maybe he'll even give me a discount on some of that sticky, imported "incense". :D

Anyhoo, believe me, just like you, I would have never guessed that there was anything wrong with me when I woke up this morning.

Then I decided to go shopping.

Out into public.

Where there are people.

Who have children.

Out in public.

Children who act like this:


ARRRGGHHHH, I KNOW!!!!!!!

Now I don't know what it is like where you live, but here in Idaho, there are more and more of these little cretins out in public, and I'm not so sure that everyone here is aware that it is NOT a crime to spank your child.

In fact, I think it's a crime not to!!

At least it should be a crime not to.

Don't tell anyone, but I know for a fact that it is a crime to fake being handicapped just to get a little blue placard that insures a better parking spot and a shot at winning third or fourth in the Special Olympics ping pong, but that's not the real reason why I am faking being handicapped!

Between you and me, I just wanted a medical excuse to legally stick my "restless leg" out and trip those little screaming brats as they run past me in restaurants and stores.

I mean, their parents aren't doing anything about it so somebody has to do something to get their attention, right?!

Right!

Their parent's lack of discipline is why I decided to also convince my doctor that I have "Tourette's syndrome" too.

Which, now that I think of it, I may actually have that one because I really can't stop myself from yelling obscenities at these moronic parents who let their kids run amok in public.

For instance, today, I saw a few kids who were so out of control, I thought that they really needed one of these:


Heh.

Don't look at me like that, I thought they all could take turns sharing it.

With their parents!

You know, it's really too bad that this isn't an Olympic sport:


Because if it was, maybe I'd enjoy going out in public more often!!

Hell, I'd give up the good parking spot, free sour cream and guacamole as well as my handicap status just to join the regular Olympics because I know I could take gold in that sport.

I never got much practice, but believe me, I used to be pretty damn good at it back in the day!

Just ask my three very well behaved teenagers.

:)

They are all in the Special Olympics over at humor-blogs.com

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So did you miss me?! You better have, because I would be highly offended if you didn't, dammit!! Either way, I hope you had a great long weekend. I sure did, even though it rained off and on while I was camping up in the Tetons.

Ugh, it is so gorgeous up there this time of year!!

So anyhoo, while I was out there enjoying paradise under the stars in my shiny new camper, watching for those ever present yet elusive alien abductors lurking out there, you will never guess what came on the radio!!

????????????

Nooo, it wasn't the Google Gestapo sending me subliminal messages to kill myself, luckily they stopped doing that when I started back on my meds a few days ago!!

Actually, it was a rerun of Art Bell's show, Coast to Coast radio. You know, the really late night one where all the weirdos call in??

I know! I love that show!! Yep, and it was a good rerun, too.

It was one where he opened the lines up for ONLY real aliens and/or immortals to call in, which they did, and let me tell you, laying there in my cozy camper bunk looking up at the Milky Way through my moon roof, listening to one alien and/or immortal after another calling in to warn us human mortals of our impending doom, it reminded me that (a) I am sooo damn lucky to have an (almost) grizzly bear proof camper, and (b) I really frigging miss listening to that show!!

Sadly, it also reminded me of why I stopped tuning in.

It was right after that unfortunate little "misunderstanding" Mr. Art Bell and I had back in '96, when he stopped letting his screener take my calls:


Yeah, he did get one against me, but honestly, I don't know why he went that far, though!!

I mean, it's not like I was as psychotic as any of his other regular callers, who were obviously just crazy people that stopped taking their meds and stayed up way too late at night and called in over and over and over and over because they were pathetic, lonely attention whores.

OK, so maybe for a while I was staying up too late because I went off my meds, but still!

Oh, alright, and maybe I was also a bit of a pathetic, lonely attention whore who also happened to have an unusual and somewhat pathological crush on Art Bell's voice, but, hey, it was just a phase!

I mean, it's not like I paraded through the streets of his hometown and told everyone who would listen to me that he was an alien and I was his mistress or anything:

Alright, so I did, but come on, nobody took me seriously!!

Well, except for Art Bell.

Not at first, of course, he just laughed at me when it all started but I think I may have scared him a bit when I showed up at his local IHOP one morning looking like that, demanding that they let me in to see him.

I know he was in there, too, I saw him cowering under a table at one point.

Between you and me, I never thought he would take me seriously or be such a big damn sissy about the whole thing!!

Heh.

Look, it's not my fault that I blamed him for the fact that I was highly offended about not ever having had a real intimate alien encounter like his callers all seemed to have!

I mean, how do you think I felt, tuning in night after night, having it rubbed in my face that the aliens kept coming down to earth to make crop circle art, mutilate livestock and then totally ignore ME and pick up guys like this to abduct, strip-search, probe, impregnate and implant with a highly advanced human cattle tracking devices:

My therapist even said that I couldn't help myself from calling in every single night to ask him, "Hey, Art, just what the hell does that ^^ bastard have that I don't?!! Why is HE worthy of being abducted, strip-searched, probed, impregnated and implanted with a highly advanced human cattle tracking device and I'm not?!!".

"WHY, ART, WHY???!!!!!!".

Ugh.

OK, so I may have went too far when I paraded through the parking lot of his local IHOP as his mistress, and maybe I crossed the line that one time when I got all liquored up and jumped in my monster truck and drove out there to leave my menacing "crop circle art" out behind his house:

Yeah, well, in my defense, it was before the restraining order took effect, so technically I was within my legal rights, because in case you've forgotten, this is a free country, dammit!!

Oh, sorry, I don't mean to take it out on you, I'm just still bitter because I scratched my truck up doing that.

Plus, I paid my debt to society for it, and that was no picnic.

Well, OK, so they never pinned that one on me, but I did pay my debt to society after they caught me the third time that I "accidentally" shot down Art Bell's private plane with my homemade anti-aircraft missiles:

Haha! Oops!!

I even got on Fox News for that little stunt.

Hey, don't give me that look! How was I to know that he'd hired private security guards to watch my every move??! Or that he'd send up a body double the second and third time??

Sissy bastard.

Ugh.

I was sure I'd get off with just a few hours of community service by claiming it was self defense. My lawyer swore that he'd convince the jury that I thought it was Art Bell in his alien craft and that he had come back to abduct, strip-search, probe, impregnate and implant me with yet another highly advanced human cattle tracking device!!

Well, believe me, I won't be using that lawyer again!

So, while I was in there, not only was I banned from using the prison pay phone to call Coast to Coast radio to make Art explain to me why I wasn't good enough to be abducted, strip-searched, probed, impregnated and implanted with a highly advanced human cattle tracking device, I also may or may not have been arrested AGAIN shortly after my release for trying to infiltrate the Haarp project in Alaska, as well:

OK, I was arrested for it.

Now wait a minute, in my defense here, ART BELL is the one who told me on his stupid show that it was a highly advanced communication device for contacting alien life forms, and need I remind you who it was that gave me my complex about not having been contacted by ET's to begin with?!!

That's right.

So really, he should have been arrested, too!

Ugh.

Celebrities always get out of these sorts of things, it is just not fair.

Hey, in fact, now that I think of it, he should also be banned from Mt. Everest, like I am, too!

I'm serious!! It's all his fault that I went up there 28 times to leave little piles of Reeses Pieces everywhere and nearly froze to death hiking naked in a futile attempt to try to attract the attention of farsighted aliens who may be flying over the Himalayas.

OK, I'm lying. That one was completely my fault. The only show he ever did about the Himalayas was when he had real Yeti's call in to give their side of the story.

I admit it, I'm the one who stopped taking my meds and watched ET the Extra Terrestrial 382 times in a row and then thought I'd load up on Reeses pieces and head to the highest place on the planet so they couldn't miss seeing me.

Sadly, I also thought the sherpas I hired were on my side, but just like Art Bell, they certainly weren't.

I shouldn't even bring it up.

It's a bit embarrassing, actually.

Oh, alright, since you just have to know, I thought they were laughing with me as they kept saying, "ET - phone home!"... but, umm, well, heh, it turned out that's not what they were saying at all.

It's not my fault that I didn't speak Sherpanese or whatever!!

Finally one of them learned enough English to write it out plainly for me:

Yeah.

Mean bastards.

Hey, I can take a hint! I know when I'm not wanted!!

Honest, I haven't been back up there since then, but only because just like Art Bell, who started all this trouble, they all got restraining orders on me. I can't go back up there until 2012 and according to one of those alien and/or immortals who called into Coast to Coast the other night, that's when the world is ending anyway, so why even frigging bother?

Oh well, I bet that aliens read my blog and now they know that I am hoping for one of them to come along and abduct, strip-search, probe, impregnate and implant me with a highly advanced human cattle tracking device!!

Maybe I should put my address here so they can find me. Then again, some weirdo might see it and decide to come harrass me at MY local IHOP and that would really piss me off.

Plus, aliens have uber advanced mapping technology, they can probably just trace my IP address or something and find me that way, right??

Gosh, I do hope they hurry, the sun is coming back out and I have stuff to do outside!

Like some more camping up in the Tetons.

Hooyah!!

:p

They are all aliens AND they are sooo jealous and secretly wish that they lived in the Grand Tetons over at humor-blogs.com. It is really pathetic!!

HEY!!! Don't miss out on being my #1 fan on my other blogs:

The Offended American & Tetons and Beyond

Come on, you know you want to click them.... ;)

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Soooo, I really don't mean to offend anyone who considers themselves to be an 'artist' or an art critic or anything like that and I know that art is supposed to be subjective and resides solely in the eye of the beholder and all that, but honestly, can someone please tell me if there is some sort of bizarre optical disease that afflicts certain people and makes their eye see 'art' where mine just sees utter and complete crap??

I mean, between you and me, some things are just not art, no matter how I look at them.

For instance, to me, this is definitely NOT art:

Three blank canvases?

What sort of "artist" does that?!!

Hell, even I could do that and I have no formal training whatsoever.

The sad thing is, had the artist sneezed a big booger onto it or smeared toe jam on it or eaten a bowl of his own feces and then projectile vomited some profound statement representing the suffering of humanity across it, it would have been worth wayyyy more because for some reason, a lot of people love offensive art.

They eat that shit up, (no pun intended!) and the more offensive the better!!

That's not the worst part, either.

No, the REAL crime is that idiots like this are raking in the dough from all this so-called "art":

Yeah, I know!!!!

Now, you tell me, doesn't that crazy bastard make a good poster child for why we desperately need to reopen a few of those old, decrepit mental institutions in this country?!

Heh.

You know, the really scary asylums that they had to shut down because just walking past one of them violates every human right possible?

Ones like this:

Well, except I think they should reopen them without the little window.

Hey, don't look at me like that!

Look, I bet that freaky artistic fellow up there would enjoy the privacy. That way he could paint the walls of his little cell with his body fluid in solace!

In fact, he should be sharing a windowless cell with fellow freak/"artist" Terrence Koh. They could collaborate and create windowless cell-wall masterpieces, since Mr. Koh's favorite mediums to work in are his own shit, blood, piss and semen.

Uh, not to mention dead livestock:

Believe me, I know a few sheep herders around here and he better just stay the hell away from Idaho if he knows what is good for him!!

Ugh.

Between you and me, I lose sleep some nights just knowing that I inhabit the same planet as that sick, twisted bastard. Not so much because he likes naked alone time with dead sheep, or that he paints self portraits using his own body fluid, but mostly because it pisses me off that he is richer than the frigging Pope!!

How fair is that?!

Well, it just isn't, so I decided since I can't beat them and have their asses committed to a decrepit old asylum with windowless cells, I will just join them instead.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., please tell me you aren't going to projectile vomit onto a canvas and call it art?!".

Oh please, I am wayyy more sophisticated than that!!

Well, alright, the truth is I can't really projectile vomit on demand, but I can be sick and twisted for money in other ways!!

Yep, and as soon as I post this, I am going to go out and find a local art gallery here in Idaho who will display my own offensive pieces.

Hooyah!!

Seriously, I really do have a few offensive pieces I'm working on right now that are going to make me very rich someday.

For instance, this one I call, "DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!! I Stubbed My Toe Again!!!":

Or, I might just call it, "Owww!!! I Frigging Hate Flip Flops!!", I haven't decided.

And this one is simply titled, "I Can't Wait Until I Am Rich Enough To Hire A Whole Family Of Illegal Guatemalan Midgets To Clean Up After My Lazy Ass!":

Oh, and one of my personal favorites that I am going to dedicate to my hubby, or Jesus my taco truck guy, if I ever catch one of them cheating on me is called, "Here Is The Microscope Slide I Stole From The Lab. See??! I Told You That Skanky Whore Had Chlamydia. I Hope It Was Worth It, You Cheating Bastard!!":


Of course, knowing my hubby, I'm sure his favorite one of all would be this piece that I simply named, "Yumm!! Dinner!!!":

Ha! I bet that freak Terrence Koh would come see my art exhibit.

In fact, I bet he would pay me a boat load of money just to have some naked alone time with that last piece!!

Sick freak.

Hmm, I wonder how much he'd offer me??

Of course, I'd have to make him wash his hands first before I let him touch it.

:p

I make everyone over at humor-blogs.com wash their hands before touching my pieces!!

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So, no offense, but I hope you aren't one of "them" because if you are, I am onto you and believe me, you won't get away with it for long!! Noooo, I don't mean one of Google's hit men, although, between you and me, I do think they have been following me lately.

I keep seeing this car everytime I leave the house:


Oh, and I also caught a few seconds of their disinformation propaganda campaign about me on Fox News yesterday.

Ugh!

I didn't get a chance to see what the look-alike they hired was saying, but apparently it was a bunch of lies to make me look crazy:

I know!!

Those Google bastards think they are so smart but they don't scare me.

OK, maybe a little but still.

Hey, just wait until my team of lawyers is through with their asses because when this is over, I'll own Google and then I can finally be the Antichrist! That will teach them to mess with me!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, what the hell was I talking about?

Oh yeah!

So I hope you aren't one of "them", meaing those freaky ass people that my neighbor warned me about when I told him all about my blog and all about how much time I spend on the internet:


He's very smart, in fact he is like a super genius, so when he said that, it really worried me!!

Of course, I immediately thought of you, my #1 fan, and I was like, 'holy shit! It can't be true!!' so I thought I better just ask but then I thought about all of my other fans, and frankly, I didn't sleep at all that night worrying about it!!

I mean, I don't want to think that on the other side of my monitor lives some freak who pretends to be all normal when he comes to my blog but wears his mother's underwear and rubs cream of broccoli soup all over himself while he reads my Offensives!!

That would just be nasty!

I hate cream of broccoli soup!!

Ugh.

Of course, I try to think the best of all people, whether they are real or just online, so I thought I better get a second opinion about this before I brought it up.

I looked up my cousin who is a cop out in San Francisco and asked him his professional opinion about what my neighbor said, and here was his response:


Yeaaahhh, I know!!

I was really scared because I totally trust his judgment, he deals with a lot of these types every day.

To drive the point home, he even introduced me to someone out there that he knows personally who spends a lot of time visiting blogs like mine and hanging out in online chatrooms pretending to be a 12 year old Christian girl:


Scary, huh?! I don't know about you, but I could totally see that guy covered in cream of broccoli soup, so that really, really freaked me out!!

Yep, after meeting that freak I was wayyyyy more paranoid than I would have been if Google AND Walmart AND the Mossad were after me!!

Hey, don't give me that look, I am not ashamed to admit that I am afraid of the Mossad. Those are some scary bastards!!

Anyhoo, after my neighbor's warning and then subsequently consulting with my cousin, I decided I better just stay offline to be safe.

Honestly, I did NOT want to end up being freaky broccoli guys next "craft" project, if you know what I mean!!

It wasn't so bad, my old (not freaky!) friends were pretty happy with that decision. They've been trying to get me off the computer for a while:


Gosh, I had forgotten how much I missed them, we used to have some great times together!!

Between you and me, I think they were jealous of all the time I spent online with the freaky broccoli guy who visited me on the net from deep within the labyrinth of his homemade human lampshade workshop/dungeon:

Oh, and speaking of jealous, once I went offline for good, I also found more time to hang out with my Fatwa friends.

I just love those crazy bastards!!

When I told them all about Mr. Freaky Broccoli guy and the nightmares he had given me and how he drove me offline, they were all too happy to offer to help:

Yep, they always watch my back.

Oh, and just so you know, I took them up on the offer so I hope YOU aren't freaky broccoli guy, because if you are, you might want to seriously rethink your whole freaky lifestyle and try to be more normal like my friends, neighbors and relatives who are offline.

Hey, I'm not kidding!!

Believe me, my Fatwa friends won't stop looking for you as long as you are a freak so you better just stop now and save yourself.

Like me, they can smell cream of broccoli soup from a mile away!!

:)

Uh-oh, I think I smell cream of broccoli soup coming from humor-blogs.com!!!

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Criminalizing speech on grounds that it is insulting might appease some people, but it violates the fundamental human right of free speech. The Saudi government uses these laws primarily to silence its critics.

Sarah Leah Whitson, Middle East director at Human Rights Watch

Hey fellow offenders, no offense but I am hijacking my own blog today to bring attention to a very special cause; today is Bloggers Unite for Human Rights day.

There are so many human rights violations taking place out there, and it wasn't easy to choose just one to focus on, but because I simply can not stomach the idea that a fellow human could be put to death for "offending Allah", I decided to highlight the human rights abuses that are so prevalent within Islam.

It is almost unthinkable that in today's modern world, things like this are taking place and while doing some research at the website for Human Rights Watch, I found the the following article and it really struck a nerve with me and made me realize, yet again, just how thankful I am to be an American and how very determined I am to not allow ANYONE to silence me or put limitations my freedom to offend:

"(New York, May 13, 2008) – Courts in Jeddah should dismiss cases against a Saudi web critic and a Turkish barber charged with “insulting” Islam, an unequivocal violation of freedom of expression protected under international law, Human Rights Watch said today.

“Criminalizing speech on grounds that it is insulting might appease some people, but it violates the fundamental human right of free speech,” said Sarah Leah Whitson, Middle East director at Human Rights Watch. “The Saudi government uses these laws primarily to silence its critics.”

On May 5, the prosecution service in Jeddah charged Ra’if Badawi with “setting up an electronic site that insults Islam,” and referred the case to court, asking for a five-year prison sentence and a 3 million riyal (US$800,000) fine. Unknown persons have hacked Badawi’s website multiple times, and have published his phone numbers, work address, and a threat on the hacked site: “Oh you retard, you are in the land of Muhammad, peace be upon him. Underline ‘Muhammad’ with a thousand lines before a thousand swords are put above your neck!” Prosecutors have not investigated the hackers or the death threats against Badawi.

The prosecution service had detained Badawi in March 2008 for one day to interrogate him about his website, which he uses to detail abuses by the Saudi religious police and to question the predominant interpretation of Islam. After being threatened with arrest for his online activities and receiving personal threats of physical harm, Badawi fled Saudi Arabia two weeks ago.

“Saudi assertions of increased freedom of expression ring hollow in light of the systematic silencing of critics who dare to speak their minds publicly,” Whitson said.

In a second case, the Mekka appeals court on May 1 upheld Sabri Bogday’s death sentence issued on March 31, 2008 for “cursing the name of God.” Bogday, a Turkish national who had worked in Jeddah for 11 years as a barber, allegedly insulted God during an argument with a Saudi client and an Egyptian neighbor. Bogday, who did not have a lawyer in court, denied cursing God, but the three judges of the lower court regarded the testimony by the Saudi and the Egyptian witnesses as sufficient proof that Bogday had committed the crime of apostasy, or defection from Islam.

“The charges, conviction, and sentence against Bogday show the dangers of criminalizing speech on the grounds that it’s offensive,” Whitson said. “There’s no good reason to believe that criminal penalties for insulting God or religion either prevent such insults or restore the alleged damage done to the reputation of religion or God.”

Although the existence of blasphemy laws make some forms of insult to religion an offence, human rights bodies have called for their abolition, and as a minimum that they be narrowly defined so they are compatible with international human rights law on free speech. “Cursing God” does not meet this test and should not be a criminal offence, Human Rights Watch said.

Saudi Arabia does not have a penal code, and the crimes of “insulting Islam” or “cursing God” are not precisely defined. Prosecutors and judges in Saudi Arabia frequently attach a criminal charge to an act they consider criminal without citing the legal basis for such a charge. International human rights law requires that the law, in particular one establishing criminal offences, be sufficiently precise to enable an individual to regulate his conduct appropriately.

International human rights law also protects freedom of expression. The government may only ban limited types of speech such as that which immediately and directly incites violence, but the government may not impose criminal sanctions for the expression of thoughts or opinions, merely because they are deemed offensive."

Saudi Arabia frequently convicts persons for alleged insults to religion. Hadi al-Mutif, who belongs to the minority Isma’ili creed in Shia Islam, remains on death row for allegedly insulting the Prophet Muhammad with two words in 1993; a court convicted teacher Muhammad al-Suhaimi in 2004 of insulting religion for his unorthodox views expressed in a classroom; teacher Muhammad al-Harbi was found guilty of blasphemy in 2005; and a different court charged Rabah al-Quwai’i with apostasy for internet writings in 2005.

I hope that this gives you food for thought, as it did me, and I hope that you not only appreciate but resolve yourself to supporting and defending the rights we have been blessed with. The rights that allow us to speak freely without fear of offending.

I hope they appreciate the right to offend freely over at humor-blogs.com!!

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