The "Lick This, Heinz!" Offensive

No offense to those easily offended British, but after years of enduring feminine itch, genital herpes and penile dysfunction commercials, I can honestly say that a Heinz mayonnaise commercial with two men kissing would be a breath of fresh air right about frigging now!

From the UK's timesonline:

A mayonnaise ad that shows two men kissing has been withdrawn from television after 200 viewers complained that it was offensive.

Heinz, which makes the New York Deli Mayo featured in the commercial, pulled the advertisement less than a week into its expected five week run, in response to the criticism.

Viewers told the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) that the ad was inappropriate and unsuitable for children to see. The ASA has not yet decided whether to launch an investigation.

Heinz apologised for any offence caused.

Heh.

Bloody Brits.

Between you and me, I think Heinz should get their revenge by making a new ketchup ad aimed directly at gays:


Oh yeaahhh.

:p

I hear they like ketchup on their wieners over at humor-blogs.com

* ~ * Click here to enter this week's Weekender Offender contest!! * ~ *

We Have a Winner, now Let's Kick This Up a Notch!!

Well, it is official and it comes as no surprise to me since I voted for her myself, but Dirty Shanks is the current reigning champion of the Weekender Offender contest!

Hooyah!!

As you can see, her offensive homophobia card kicked some serious ass on the competition:




So... thanks to everyone who entered last week, and congratulations, Jailbird!! Here is your shiny, new, custom award. I hope you wear it proudly:


It will be going up in my sidebar today, along with a link to your awesome blog. :)

~ *~ ATTENTION FELLOW OFFENDERS!! ~ *~

The new Weekender Offender contest starts RIGHT NOW and will run until I get 10 entries. Once there are 10, the poll will open for voting but I am changing the rules a bit to kick this up a notch and to challenge all of my favorite offenders out there to see if they have what it takes to be the next Weekender Offender. :)

From now on, all new entries will be put to a vote against the reigning champion until a new Weekender Offender champion is voted in!!

Yep, so that means in order to claim the prize, you have to kick Dirty Shank's ass and steal her title as well as her advertising spot in my sidebar with your own offensive entry; whether it be a blog post, a good dirty joke, or whatever offense you think will do the trick, throw down and let's see what you got!

(Jailbird, you can even try to kick your own ass with another Dirty Shank if you'd like! :)

So come on, what are you waiting for?! Whip out your best offense and let's see if you have what it takes to win this thing!!

You can post your entries in the comments here, or use the email button in my sidebar to email them to me, (although I will warn you, if your entry has to do with penile dysfunction or me winning the Nigerian lottery, it may end up in my spam folder :p ).

Oh yeah, and as always, may the best offender win!!

;)

You should wash your hands when you leave because they all have dirty shanks over at humor-blogs.com

The "Survival of the Fittest" Offensive

So, no offense, but I am just REALLY not in the mood to write a post today. Why? Well, because I am way too preoccupied with working out, target practicing and making my "Darwin List" of people and things I plan on pillaging and cannibalizing in anticipation for the end of the world.

That's right, as you may or may not know, I am a true Darwinist and I plan on being one of the fittest who survives when this all goes down.

Hooyah!!

Yep, and the first ones on my Darwin list of who to cannibalize and pillage are all those who want to tell me how it is all my fault that the world is coming to an end to begin with:



OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., don't you brag about how you drive a huge, fossil fuel guzzling monster truck? Then it IS your fault, and you should feel guilty!!"

Hey!

I'd watch it if I were you.

#1 fan or not, you'll be right up there at the top of my Darwin list, dammit.

Plus, you tell me, why is it such a bad thing that I encourage the world as we know it coming to an end anyway?

I mean, how do you know that the polar bears don't WANT it to be like this:


Hell, I know I do!!

And even if they don't want to live like that, you can hardly blame me for singlehandedly destroying the planet and turning it into a tropical paradise.

If you really want someone to blame, why not blame the people who run the National Geographics channel?

Seriously. They are the guilty ones.

Hypocrite bastards.

I bet they killed wayyyy more polar bears and melted wayyyyy more polar ice making all of their stupid "The End Is Coming and It's All Your Fault, Chelle!!" fear mongering shows than I ever will chasing grizzly bears and tourists with my monster truck around here!!

Yep, and I bet they are making a new one right now, and in it they'll suggest that I sell my monster truck and fork over $150,000 for one of these 'organic cars':


Yeeeahhh.

Now, I ask you, just how survival of the fittest/Darwinistic is that bullshit?

Like the grizzly bears and tourists around here would take me seriously or see me as more fit than them in one of THOSE ridiculous looking things!!

Please.

It doesn't help that people like my stupid neighbor, who claim to be Darwinists and who like to put that stupid little Darwin fish on the back of their stupid little 'organic cars', fail to realize that they are not AT ALL fit to survive.

They are such sissies, really.

In fact, they'll be the first to go down!!

Oh, I'm sure my neighbor thinks he'll survive with the rest of us REAL Darwinists, just so he can say:


Ha!!

Of course, he is the same loony bastard who lost most of his fingers and toes to frostbite last year because he thought he was actually fit enough to survive an entire winter up here in Idaho without going crazy and trying to escape down to Mexico:



I knew I should have never called in the Idaho Search and Rescue team to find his delusional, unfit to survive, hypothermic ass.

Oh well, between you and me, I'm glad I did because he's the first one on my Darwin list of who I am going to cannibalize and pillage when this all goes down!!!

Yep, and he's not the only one, either.

In fact, once I'm done with it, I'll tell you who else is on my Darwin list and why you need to start making one of your own! I mean, you do believe in Darwinism and being fit to survive, too... don't you??

;)

They are all on my Darwin list over at humor-blogs.com

Let the Voting Begin!!!

Hey fellow offenders, it is time to vote for this week's Weekender Offender!! Thanks to everyone who entered, they were all great and now it is time for my readers to pick the winner.

Voting will run through the weekend, and the winner will be awarded on Monday! :)

The top 3 entries are:

1) Dirty Shanks with her hilariously offensive homophobia card:

2) FishWhisperer with an old favorite of mine, an offensively dirty limerick:

There once was a man from Nantucket
he had a dick so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wiped of his chin
if my ear was a pussy I would fuck it.

3) Ken with this vintage video of a mother committing a 'knife throwing offense' against her innocent child:

When you are done voting, click over to humor-blogs.com and see what offenses they've committed!

The "Wordless Wednesday/Caption This!" Offensive

????

The "Stop Victimizing Me!!!" Offensive

So, um, no offense, but if you came here to victimize me I'm going to have to ask you to just go away and find someone else to victimize. I'm sure there are plenty of other people who would enjoy your victimization much more than I would, and I'm sure they deserve it more than I do.

Hey, I'm serious!

Don't look at me like that. It's not my fault that I just can't take being victimized anymore!!!!!!!

OK, I know what you're thinking... "Chelle B., who in the world is victimizing you? Whoever it is, I'll kick their ass because I'm your #1 fan and I only love it when you victimize me with your Offensives!!!".

Awww, thanks!! That is sooooo nice of you and if you really want to help me not to be a victim, I guess you can start by kicking some ass on the people who made my refrigerator:


I know!!

It is empty but hey, it's not my fault.

I read the ENTIRE manual and nowhere in it did it say that I had to go get a job and keep buying food to put in there!!

Ugh.

Those global refrigerator conglomerates obviously work in tandem with these bullies:

Yeah, I am their victim too!

Those evil bankers work with those evil foreclosure sign manufacturers who are probably enslaving and victimizing an entire indigenous group somewhere in Guatemala, all just to victimize me.

Between you and me, it's not MY fault that I lied about having a job or enough money to pay the mortgage or that I didn't read the terms of my loan before I signed it!

I mean, that's not MY problem, that's the bank's problem, right?!!

Right.

Ugh.

Believe me, those evil banks just love to victimize me every chance they get. They've done it for years, starting with giving me all those credit cards I had to use to pay for tacos and beer and bikinis for all those trips I had to take down to Cabo for spring break while I was in college getting my degree in the fundamentals of victimization.

They even repossessed my car that they financed for me just because I only made 2 payments on it and assumed they wouldn't notice!!

I know.

How dare them notice. :(

Well, at least I'm not the only victim out there. I went to school with a lot of them. Victims like this guy:

Now you tell me, why the hell didn't the college tell any of us that we weren't going to get our dream jobs and be rich right after we graduated??!! I mean, everyone knows a college degree is supposed to be a guarantee to a life of ease, right?!

Right.

So really, it won't be HIS fault when in 20 years he is too overqualified and can't find a job as an abstract baking soda analyst, right??

Right!!

Oh, and I hope you'll give him a dollar when you see his sorry ass out by the freeway holding his sad sign:


Hey, don't give me that look.

You better feel sorry for him!!

Don't you know that not feeling sorry for him would be victimizing that poor victimized victim even more??

OK, I know what you're thinking and before you say it, how dare you even think of suggesting that he take a job as a waiter or janitor or fast food server or taco truck driver?!

I mean, how frigging cruel are you that you would have him take away some poor illegal bastard's job?! Didn't that poor illegal bastard not suffer enough punishment by being stuffed into a box car with 12,000 other poor illegal bastards?

Don't you feel at all guilty that he probably practically suffocated while being shipped over the border for that job??

Honestly.

My overqualified friend should sue your ass for just thinking about not giving him a dollar, and that poor illegal bastard whose job you want taken away should sue your ass, too.

Hell, I should sue your ass myself, because frankly, just the very idea that you might think about them like this makes me feel victimized by proxy!

Hey, don't think I won't sue you, either. I'm already suing the makers of this:


That's right! I have been a victim on toilet paper for, well, for as long as I've been wiping my ass with it!!

My lawyer said that it's not MY fault that I am addicted to it, either. Those evil genius bastards who manufacture toilet paper made it extra soft and cushiony on purpose because they knew that I would get hooked on using it.

Yep, and he is going to make them pay me millions in damages. I'll never have to work again and I can wipe my ass with crisp, clean fifty dollar bills!

Hooyah!!

Hey, now that I think of it, you're probably a victim of toilet paper, too.

If you promise to give my overqualified friend a dollar, I'll give you the number to my lawyer, OK?!

:)

Feel sorry for them, they are all victims of toilet paper over at humor-blogs.com

The "Pay Up, Whitey!!" Offensive

So hey, don't get all offended on me, but if you happen to be white and you are reading this, you owe me some money, dammit. That's right, it's called reparations and if you don't pay, I will have no choice but to call up my Jewish lawyer. He'll make sure you cough up what you owe me!!

Don't look at me like that. I mean, don't you think my people have suffered enough at the hands of your people??

Ugh.

Believe me, I still suffer.

OK, I know what you're thinking... "Chelle B., I don't owe you money! I know where you live, you are whiter than me and probably belong to the Neo-Nazi White Bloggers Guild of Idaho or something!"

Hey, don't stereotype me! It is not my fault that I look white!! It's probably because I don't get enough sun here in Idaho.

Oh, and for the record, I don't even live within driving distance of the Neo-Nazi White Blogger's Guild:



OK, so technically I am within driving distance, but still. With the price of gas, I hardly even make it to all of the meetings anyway so it's not like I am a full-time member or anything!

Ugh.

Plus, like I said, I only look white anyway and once word gets out that I found this picture in my family photo album, I will probably get kicked out of the Guild for good:


Ha!

I told you!!

This is proof that my people didn't own slaves, they were slaves, so naturally, that makes me not white and therefore I am eligible for reparations.

So... pay up, dammit!!

Oh, don't worry, I'll put the money to good use, I promise!! I'm going to run off with Jesus down to Mexico so we can drink tequila on the beach and I can finally get that frigging tan I've been dreaming of:


Ugh.

Seriously, though, I feel soooooo much better knowing the truth. I mean, I always just assumed that my people were slave owning bastards and to be honest, I felt a bit guilty over it!!

Plus, it does make sense now. It does explain my obsession with Jesus, who, in case you are wondering, is not white, and why I love to eat his tacos so much. Yummm!!!

Oh, and I love Chinese food and pizza, too!

Between you and me, I also like to wear a yarmulke and say "Oiy Vey" and pretend that Subway is a kosher deli.

Hey, don't look at me like that.

We don't have any kosher deli's in Idaho, I have to pretend!!

Speaking of that, Oiy Vey, I can't wait to tell my brother about this, either!!!

For years now, he's been trying to convince everyone that he is a full blooded Indian so that he can live on the 'rez' and get money from the government to buy cheap hookers and liquor:


Yeah, I know, I can't believe nobody believes him, either!! I mean, he looks Indian to me but what do I know??

Oh well, they'll believe him now and he'll have all the cheap hookers and liquor his little Injun heart desires.

Plus, knowing the truth will also help me to better explain to my children why they don't look like me or my very white hubby:


My hubby will be relieved, too, I'm sure.

Even he has asked why they look like Jesus, and even though I always forget to take my ADD meds and pick them up, I'm pretty sure they all do look like Jesus, which is weird.

Well, one of them kinda looks more like his cousin, Pedro. He fills in for Jesus sometimes down at the taco truck and I sometimes get them mixed up.

Heh.

Pedro doesn't seem to mind! He plays along!!

Oh, well, it doesn't matter, I don't have time to worry about who my children look like right now, anyway.

In fact, I better go fill up my monster truck and drive up to the Neo-Nazi White Blogger's Guild hall before the meeting starts!!

There is a special guest tonight and I don't want to miss his speech:


Yep, and I hear he is a really good speaker. The newsletter said he's going to talk about how to make sure that all you slave owning whitey's pay up for the abuse you've put my people through.

So remember to bring your checkbook the next time you come by.

Hooyah!!

:p

They all own slaves over at humor-blogs.com

The "And The Winner Is.." Offensive

First of all, thanks to everyone for making this Weekender Offender contest a success!! All of the entries were funny, offensive, and worthy of an award, but as you know, I have to pick just one winner.

It isn't easy to choose, believe me!!

I'd like to choose you all, but as a token of my appreciation, please feel free to copy the following graphic onto your blog and encourage your own readers to join in next time:

Oh, and I'll be adding all of those who entered into my blogroll, as a token of gratitude and because you all have some kick ass blogs. :)

I also decided that I will be running the contest all the time from now on!

So, starting tomorrow, there will be a link at the top of the blog that will take you to the entry post, and I'll even add a voting button so that you can bribe people you know to come and vote for your offensive entry!!

Hooyah!!

:)

You better remember to enter though, dammit!! Don't make me come and spam your blog reminding you, either.

Cuz I will.

OK, so I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., shut up, hurry the hell up and tell me if I won or not!!".

Man! You are impatient!!

Ugh.

I shouldn't tell you at all now.

Oh, alright, this week I chose:

The Offended Blogger

For the following offensive joke:

Q: How do you make a 10 year old boy cry twice?

A: Wipe your bloody dick on his teddy bear

:D

Haha, just kidding!!!!!!!!

I know it would offend all of you if I picked myself!

Plus, even that dirty joke doesn't offend me, am I sick or what?!!

OK!!!! So... the REAL winner this week is....

Arpeggio Andy

For his hilariously offensive post about how not to discipline your dog.

YAY!!

Congratulations, Andy!!

You may choose from one of the following awards, made just for you:

I'll be adding an ad to your blog in the sidebar as well as adding your awesome blog to my blogroll.

Again, thanks to everyone for playing along, and don't forget to play again this week!!

May the best offender win.

Hooyah!! (again)

:)

Click on over to humor-blogs.com and see how offensive THOSE guys are!!!

The "May the Best Offender Win!!!!" Offensive

(Get your best dirty jokes and offensive posts ready folks, it's time for the Weekender Offender awards!!)

Oh, alright, I am painfully aware that it has been awhile since I handed out my lovely and highly coveted Weekender Offender award, and I've had a few e-mails bugging me about kindly reminding me that I am long overdue and seriously slacking on my duties here.

Soooo, I thought I'd better do something before the riots begin and I have to run all of you over with my monster truck!!

I know, that sounds kinda fun to me, too, now that I mention it! :)

Anyhoo... even though I have a few worthy nominees in mind already, I decided that this time I'd let you, my #1 fan, get in on this.

In order to win, all you have to do is hit me with your VERY BEST offense, whether it be an offensively dirty joke, or a link to an offensively great post you've written, or you can even nominate a fellow offender that you deem worthy!

Everyone who enters will receive the highly coveted Weekender Offender award:

Not only that but.....

....the bestest fecking offender of all will go in my higly coveted blogroll (if you aren't already in it) and they'll win a free advertising spot over -----> there, near the top of my sidebar until the next awards are handed out.

Which, knowing me and my ADD, could be weeks, or months, or even YEARS!

Hooyah!!

So, come on, hit me with your best offense. I will let this little game run through the weekend, and I'll announce the winners on Monday.

Good luck and may the best Weekender Offender win!!!

:)

They always offend me real gooooood over at humor-blogs.com!!

The "Fetish Cooties... Yummm!!" Offensive

You know, after visiting Becca and Kelly's offensively fun blog, Let's Bitch, it made me realize that I am really getting sick of hearing people bitch about stuff that they find offensive!!

Seriously.

I mean, you know me, I don't like to complain. If something offends me, I just ignore it and go on with my life. I don't obsess over it or bitch about it or tell everyone how offended I am!

For instance, take these communists who get all offended and uptight about what I eat. Now, you tell me, why exactly do they care what I ingest and/or digest??

What drives them to want to decide for me what I should do with my intestinal tract???

Honestly, who the hell are they to want to limit my God-given right to eat cows, or pigs, or chickens, or rabbits, or dogs, or cats, or hedge hogs, or hamsters, or even imported delicacies that come from far off and exotic lands like North Korea:


Hey, don't look at me like that.

For all you know, miniature Chinese communists taste good!!

Have you ever eaten them?!

Well, to be honest, neither have I, but if I did choose to eat them, it's my business and not yours, so don't try to tell me otherwise!

I didn't always feel this way, though.

In fact, at one time I even became a vegetarian for awhile.

Yep, it's true, and it all started after Jesus took me with him to pick up some of the fresh ingredients he uses to make my favorite taco truck tacos.

That's when he first introduced me to his cousin, Pedro, who just happens to work at one of the many places where Jesus gets free taco meat:


Yeah.

I know.

Believe me, it really frigging grossed me out after I saw Pedro sneeze all over my tasty taco meat!!

Ugh.

He didn't even wipe it off, either!!

Well, and you know me, my imagination tends to get a bit carried away when offensive things happen. So, of course I started wondering if Pedro even changed those gloves after using the bathroom or what kind of weird fetishes Pedro might have and what exactly did Pedro do when he was all alone with my taco meat if he had weird fetishes and...

I know!!!!!

YUCK!!!!!!!!!!

The thought of Pedro getting freaky with my taco meat and leaving fetish cooties all over it really turned me off of food altogether, so, naturally, I became a vegetarian!

Of course, that didn't last very long.

Between you and me, I blame Jesus and his all natural, meat-free, vegetarian tacos:


OK, they didn't look that nasty and I mean, it's not that they tasted bad, per say, but for some reason they made me deathly ill and I ended up hospitalized!

Which sucked, because more than anything, I frigging hate doctors. Technically, they are communists themselves because they always want to tell me what to do!!

Oh, and, get this... while I was in there, I was force-fed hospital "meat" by those communist bastards and believe me, after I thought about all the cooties that live and multiply in a hospital, and where that "meat" they forced me to eat might have been, Pedro's fetish cooties in my meat-filled Jesus tacos didn't sound so bad, after all!!

It's a good thing it all happened the way it did, really, because I actually became quite the activist after my vegetarian near-death experience.

Seriously, I really want people to know the truth:


Of course, I have to kickbox the crap out of a lot of PETA protesters who show up everywhere I go. They try to limit my freedom to offend them and others with the truth about vegetarian tacos, but hey, that's OK!!

It's a free country.

Yep, they are free to let me to kickbox the crap out of them anytime they'd like.

:)

Please go visit Let's Bitch and say hi to Kelly and Becca, and then click over to humor-blogs.com and sneeze some cooties all over their taco meat!!

The "A Picture Is Worth... Some Tacos??" Offensive

Soooo, now that I have all this extra time on my hands as a result of avoiding Mother Nature's wrath and the offensive sight of Mr. Euro dork (see post below), I decided it was time to do what's right and clean out a bunch of shit from my computer.

Boy, that was a mistake!

Please don't ask why, but there must be thousands of offensive photos scattered all over my hard drive!!

The worst part is, they've been there so long now that I don't even know how most of them got there or what my original intent was for them!

Not only that, but let me just say that a few of them even managed to offend me when I looked at them again.

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., so, uh, just how offensive are these photos? Are we talking bad enough that if Google saw them they would put you away in a secret Google prisoner of war camp somewhere in eastern Russia for the next 50 years?! Would you end up being the big, scary, Google prisoner of war camp warden's bitch and would she make you scrub every single inch of both her and all of the toilets down every night with your Google issued toothbrush and then make you watch...".

Hey!

Stop it already!!

No, I don't have anything that bad, well except for the ones with me and Jesus, but still!

Actually, those pictures are still in my camera, most of the one's that Google can hack in and see on my computer are just random pictures that they've already seen since I pilfered them from Google images to begin with. :)

Hey, don't give me that look, I have a disclaimer at the bottom of this page that explicitly protects my right to pilfer other people's stuff!!

For some reason, though, as much as I found these pilfered goodies worthy at the time, they just didn't make it past the editing room floor, so I guess I just have to throw them out.

Like for instance, this one:


Hmmm... you know, I kind of like him and his hose the more I look at him.

Yeah.

He's got it going on.

In fact, I think I'll keep that one and use it for some future post about what it will be like living in a post Apocalyptic world with cyborg men who have hoses instead of penises or something.

Oh, and speaking of penises, then there's this one, which, the more I look at it, the more I am intrigued by it, too:


For those of you who sat out Economics 101, that's Alan Greenspan, former chairman of the Federal Reserve, and apparently he is bragging about his *ahem* "portfolio" size while he testified before Congress.

Heh.

Dirty old bastard. :)

I always thought he was a closeted pervert!

Knowing him, I bet he was exaggerating a bit there, too, but really, who cares? He's as old as dirt and richer than the frigging Pope, so it really doesn't matter if he even has a portfolio at all at this point in his life.

Oh, and speaking of the Pope, I also found this picture of him and saved it, but for some unknown reason I just never used it:

Hey, that is the Pope proselytizing himself, isn't it?!

Oh, alright, I know that's not the Pope.

Obviously it has tits so I am thinking it is just some nun who is having a rough morning after an all-nighter at the rectory.

That looks painful, too!!

Seriously, though, I have no clue who that is supposed to be and no offense or anything, but I don't really care to care, either.

All I know is that it's considered "art" by some modern day weirdo, and all I can think is 'holy shit, what the fuck is wrong with people that they find that at all worthy of attention and/or recognition?!'

I mean... is that supposed to be entrails coming out of her ass?!

If so, that is just wrong on so many levels and whoever created that piece of "art" needs to be seriously evaluated by a team of medical professionals, committed to an asylum and then accidentally electrocuted during shock therapy.

And then run over by my monster truck a few dozen times.

Ugh!!

Anyhoo, this next one is much better and sure to offend everyone, so I'm not quite sure why I haven't put it to good use yet:
Hey, I guess I just did, didn't I?!

Oh, come on, now, admit it, that is funny!!!

I mean, I'm not really even a big gay liberal or anything, but hell, I'd buy it!!! Then I'd make my ginormous dog, Brutus, wear it.

Then, I'd walk him through town on Sunday afternoon, right past the disturbingly big Mormon Temple with all the disturbingly Mormon Mormons hanging around outside in the parking lot, doing whatever it is they do, like proselytizing each other in their sacred underwear.

Heh.

I'd love to see their faces if I did that! Brutus hates Mormons and wants to eat them as it is. :)

You know, the more I look through my little collection of offensive pictures that I scraped off of Google images, the more I think that I should just go find some more to use and maybe write a new Offensive about stuff like, oh I don't know, how I want Brutus to eat those annoying Mormon bastards?!

Or.... I could just say to hell with it for today, go order that shirt for my dog and then hit up on Jesus down at the taco truck.

Hooyah!!

That sounds like a much better plan.

Mmmmm, tacos.

:p

Hungry? Click over to humor-blogs.com, Jesus's taco truck is parked over there.

The "Sour Puss Dork!!" Offensive

Well, I don't know what the hell I did to offend that bitch Mother Nature, but for the third time now I've had to postpone a camping trip into Yellowstone Park since she is obviously trying to kill me every time I step outside.

Seriously.

I can't even go out there anymore because every time I do bad things happen and I know she wants me dead but I have no idea why!

I mean, her and I have always gotten along so well and we agreed that I would suffer through the arctic winters as long as if by June she made it look like this here so that I can go outside and soak up the warmth and the beauty that is spring and summer here in the Greater Yellowstone area:


Yeah.

I know.

It really looks better in person, too, believe me.

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., are you crazy?! Why aren't you outside enjoying that incredible scenery, no matter what Mother Nature throws your way?!".

Ha!

Of course I'm crazy but do you have any idea what that bitch has in her arsenal to try and kill me with?! Lately she has been sending gale force winds and demon-faced clouds after me, and believe me, you do NOT want to mess with her demon-faced cloud minions:


See what I mean?!!

If it wasn't for them, I'd be sitting on my ass in my floaty chair, in my pool, outside in the warm sunshine, bitching to myself about how hot it was and how I wish winter would hurry up and come back.

Or, I'd be going to Yellowstone to camp and take pictures of the grizzly bears.

And to play in the mud with my truck.

Hooyah!!

Between you and me, though, I think Mother Nature isn't just after me, because I'm pretty sure she killed the dog already.

Hey, I'm serious!

I let him outside to do his thing but the wind was so strong that I couldn't open the door to let him back in, and well, it was just a good thing that I forgot to take my ADD pills and pick up the kids from wherever the hell they were or they'd have been pissed:


Oh well, I never really liked that dog anyway.

But I am afraid of my children, so for a few minutes today, I thought I was actually going to get to go outside and bury that poor bastard and maybe even get some sun if I had time before the kids hitchhiked home, but nooooo!!!

In fact, come to think of it, Mother Nature reminds me of my own mother, who was much the same way when I was growing up:


Hey, I'm not kidding!

That crazy, lithium-deficient, homicidal maniac tried to kill me more than once!

Of course, since I inherited half of my DNA from her, I was a bit of a lithium-deficient homicidal maniac myself, which is a good thing because it gave me the courage I needed to stand my ground with her.

I'm not ashamed to admit it, it got a bit ugly at times.

In fact, I'm sure that despite our efforts to hide the fact that were were both lithium-deficient homicidal maniacs, our neighbors were quite aware that things got a little crazy every now and then.

They probably even overheard me backtalking her once or twice during our little 'disagreements' over which one of us was more stubborn:


Heh.

It was definitely me.

Lucky for the neighbors though that I figured out if I spiked my mom's coffee with lithium, the homicidal tendencies she displayed would completely go away and we could all sleep in our beds in peace at night.

Well, OK, so technically it wasn't really lithium, it was LSD but, hey, it worked!

Alright, so it didn't really make the homicidal tendencies go away, but at least she was too busy killing imaginary rocking horse people who lived in the strawberry fields with their kaleidescope eyes instead of killing me!!

Anyhoo, it's not like I can spike Mother Nature's coffee with LSD and make this all go away, can I.

Ugh.

You know, though, the more I think of it, the more I realize that I don't care what the weather is doing because I don't want to go to Yellowstone anyway!!

Why??

Well, because every time I go, the same dork is there with his funny accent and bad attitude, wearing his stupid socks with his sandals:


Ugh.

He's never happy, either. All he does is walk around bitching instead of just appreciating what Mother Nature created here for him to overpay to see.

Heyyyyyy, you know what?

Maybe Mother Nature isn't after me at all!

Maybe she really wants to kill HIM for being such a sour puss dork. I know if I were her, I would want to!

Either way, I wish he'd just go to Florida and take this shitty weather with him.

:p

There are quite a few sour puss dorks who wear socks with their sandals over at humor-blogs.com

The "Feminazi Man Hater Bitches Club" Offensive

Now, if you are of the penile persuasion, don't get all offended on me, but, guess what?! I am now a bra burning, card carrying, lifetime member of the Feminazi Man Hater Bitches Club!

That's right, and let me tell you, it is sooooo frigging liberating!!

Hey, don't give me that look, we both know that it was inevitable that I become one of them. I mean, I must have been the last female on the planet who hadn't converted to feminazi man haterism because every other female I know is one and to be honest, it was a bit lonely not being part of their club!

Not to mention dangerous.

Hey, those bitches can be quite mean to us non-members!!

Secretly, though, I've always wanted to be like them, particularly like one of these feminazi man hating bitches:

Yep!

And I actually owe it to them and all the other feminazi man hating bitches on daytime TV for giving me the courage to liberate myself and, more importantly, my oppressed tits:


Hooyah!!

Oddly enough, I never knew my tits were in bondage until I started watching daytime TV, but as soon as I found out I burned every single one of my bras.

OK, so technically I didn't actually burn my bras. I just stopped wearing them during my trial membership in case I changed my mind later.

Hey, I am not a fool! Those things cost me a shitload of money and I don't want to have to go buy all new ones in case I decide to leave the feminazi man haters club!!

Which I'm pretty sure I won't because I can't tell you how just how good it feels to finally let my tits free after all these years of bondage. Between you and me, I think my bras were always a bit too tight and it's probably what made me so damn cranky all the time!!

Well, that and all those moronic people who constantly piss me off and make me want to run them over with my monster truck.

Ugh!!!

Anyhoo, I really am grateful for all those daytime TV shows. They are the ones who taught me all about how my well endowed ancestors fought long and hard against the forces of penile evilness, just for me to have the right not to cater to my man's every penile whim and, more imporantly, to let my tits be free from his penile oppression:


Yep.

So, really, I owe it to them to be a bra burning, card carrying, lifetime member of the feminazi man hater club, right?!

Right!

I also owe it to all of those in third world countries who have their tits in bondage and look up to free and more fortunate women like myself as symbols of hope:


Awww!!! They are so sweet, I just can't let them down!!

Of course, between you and me, this whole 'joining the feminazi man-hater club' didn't go over so well with my hubby, who had grown particularly fond of having his penile whims catered to.

Day and night.

Over, and over, and...

Ugh!

So naturally, he was a bit shocked and offended when he came home from a long day of work and found that his sweet little bra wearing, usually non-man hating, highly appreciative and incredibly talented at penile-whim-catering wife was sitting on the couch bra-less.

Then he realized that I had suddenly turned into this:


Actually, he was way beyond pretty frigging pissed off, let me tell you!

In fact, if I remember correctly, his response was something like, "What the @#%$, Chelle?!! I don't work MY ass off all day just for you to sit on YOUR ass all day getting brainwashed by those man hating feminazi bitches on TV!! Now take the rest of your clothes off, make me some dinner, and cater to my penile whims, dammit!!"

Ha!

As if I would allow myself to be oppressed like that ever again.

Oh, alright, so I did, and there were even a few tears, but hey, it was only a temporary set back!!

The next day, while he was hard at work and after The View was over, I took off my bra and marched right out and hired this guy to do all of the so-called "women's work" around our house:


Yeeeeaaahhhh.

Needless to say, it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. I don't care what Dr. Phil says, men and women just aren't wired the same!

Ugh.

He wouldn't even make me coffee, let alone clean the toilets. He just sat there on the couch, hogging the remote and scratching himself, telling me to get him beers and make him food.

The bastard.

Oh, and it got worse, too!

When my hubby came home and found me sitting on my ass, watching Oprah without a bra on, that guy passed out on the couch next to me in a French Maid uniform, and all his beer and TV dinners gone, he was way, way, wayyyyy more pissed off than he had been the day before!!

Let's just say that there were a lot of tears this time.

And blood.

Well... and a lawsuit, but our lawyer says I can't talk about that right now.

Anyhoo, just like my feminazi man hating mentors on TV, I did not give up so easily!

The next day, while he was at the lawyer's office, I got off my ass, took off my bra, and ran right out and hired these feminazi man hating bitches to do all the so-called "women's work" around the house:


Heh. I thought I'd show my hubby who was boss this time!

It worked, too.

Would you believe that when he came home, he wasn't the least bit pissed off at all?! In fact, he was sooooo incredibly happy, he was the one who had tears in his eyes this time.

I know, weird! I guess he was embracing his feminine side while I exerted my feminazi side.

Yep, and I am so proud of him!!

He has really accepted the idea of me converting to feminazi man hatingism and now he caters to MY every need:


Welllllllll.... he catered to my needs at first, but then he became too busy making sure the new maids were taken care of, because as feminazi man hating bitches, they have whims that need catered to, too.

Apparently those bra-less bitches have a lot of whims!

In fact, I think he quit his job to take care of their whims full time because I haven't seen him leave the house in weeks.

Oh well. If I have to go get a job at the taco truck to support us for a while it's all worth it to be a feminazi man hating bitch because, honestly, it is a dream come true for me and I can't turn back now.

I just burned all my bras.

Gosh, I just hope Jesus doesn't require me to wear a bra to work!

:)

They all burned their bras in my honor over at humor-blogs.com!