Hey, no offense to all you eco-friendly do-gooders out there, but I give up! I will just never be as good as you are at this stuff.

Ugh.

Don't give me that look.

I really wanted to be eco-friendly, and believe me and it wasn't cheap when I went out and bought some of these for my secret eco-friendly greenhouse:


Yep, they were well worth the investment, too, because with all the money I made from the *ahem* increased productivity of my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse I built twelve more secret, eco-friendly greenhouses and upgraded to one of these:


That's right!!

And my eco-friendly humanitarian efforts didn't stop there, either!!

In fact, I wanted to help poor, out of state hunters with bad aim to not go home empty handed, so I graciously allowed them to pay me $1,000 per person to pose with all the dead geese that were hapless victims of my freakishly large, yet highly eco-friendly windmill:



Oh yeeah.

All of this eco-friendliness was really paying off for me for quite a long time, too, until I found out that those harbingers of eco-friendly light that they call compact fluorescent bulbs would work even better for my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse operation:


Oh, they worked great until I accidentally tripped on the way out of my secret greenhouse one day and broke that stupid #$%^ing burned out bulb you see up there in that picture.

Ugh.

Yep, and I knew that even in it's unbroken, burned out form it needed to be disposed of properly, like the hazardous non-eco friendly waste that it is, but once it was broken and leaking all of those deadly toxins all over the floor of my greenhouse...

Well...

I panicked!

You see, I had forgotten that the only Hazmat response team in my little Idaho town also happens to be Jesus and his cousin Pedro:


Yeahhh.

Oh, believe me, I WOULD have called them, but uh, well...

Let's just say that I told him that I stopped buying his sticky, imported "incense" from the taco truck because my glaucoma was cured, but really, I had just collected enough seeds and was growing my own.

I know.

He would have been sooooo pissed!!!!

Anyhoo... like I said, I panicked.

It is all a blur to me now, really, but I think I may or may not have jumped into my not-so-eco-friendly monster truck and I may or may not have knocked over one little telephone pole on the way out of town:


OK, that's not exactly the truth.

I may or may not have jumped in my truck and knocked over all of my secret greenhouses and my illegal windmill/goose hunting operation on the way out.

Wellllllll... and one of the flaming arms of my illegal windmill may or may not have landed three blocks over and may or may not have cut through the gas main and lit it on fire:



Hey, you don't have to lecture me!

I am fully aware that that sort of thing is not eco-friendly!! Believe me, that was the worst of it.

Then again, it may or may not have gotten much, much worse than that, now that I think about it.

OK, it did get worse.

Ugh.

Hey, how the hell was I supposed to know that one little severed gas main MAY or may not set off a chain reaction that may or may not have made Yellowstone erupt spontaneously:


I'm no frigging geologist!

My neighbors are always pissed at me anyway, so screw them if they can't appreciate my failed humanitarian and eco-friendly efforts.

:(

Hey, at least I survived it all, along with my monster truck, a pocket full of sticky "incense" seeds and my favorite eco-friendly restaurant:



Yeah, I do miss Jesus and his tacos, but it's all good.

Eventually another guy named Jesus will immigrate up here with his taco truck, and then I'll sell him MY sticky, homegrown "incense".

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com !!

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is an official Offended Blogger message from your hostess:

Hey fellow offenders!

I am working on my new website Humor Bloggers dot com, (you can see the beta version at http://www.humorbloggers.homestead.com ) so if I don't answer comments or publish high quality Offensives over the next few days, you'll know why.

Hooyah!!

Not only would I love some feedback on the new project, I also didn't want you to think that I am ignoring you on purpose! Between me and you, despite all of the cruel and unusual things I say about you behind your back, I am actually quite fond of erm, well most of you!! :)

Anyhoo, if you are a fellow Humor Blogger and you would like to have your blog listed at Humor Bloggers dot com, please email me at offendedblogger {at} gmail {dot} com for details on how to apply and I will fill you in on what the site is going to be all about, and what awesome things will be available to all of the members when it is officially launched on August 15th!!

There are only 16 spots left, and I am only accepting high quality, ORIGINAL blogs for the site, so don't wait, claim your space now while you still can!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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Ummm so no offense if you are a lawyer, but I think Shakespeare was right. We need to kill all the frigging lawyers!! Why? Well, I just found out that a ruling from the Supreme Court in South Dakota could set a dangerous precedent which could affect the right of every American citizen who enjoys the freedom to partake in a bit of "victimless" indecent exposure!!

See for yourself:

From Channel News 4 in South Dakota:

The South Dakota Supreme Court says state law does not require the actual presence of an offended victim to convict someone of indecent exposure....

I know!!

This is fascism run amok, I tell you!!

Now, don't get me wrong, I am TOTALLY against indecent exposure where there are hapless victims, and I fully support the right for these types of offenders to be arrested, denied a trial, and executed by firing squad at dawn:


But come on, they deserve that sort of swift justice!!

The ones I feel sorry for are like these poor, innocent, unsuspecting skinny dippers who are, as we speak, trapped in legal limbo somewhere outside of Pierre because of this insane new law:


What the hell are they supposed to do??

Stay in the lake and... die??

Ugh!

Plus, you and I both know how abusive and corrupt our police can be! I'm sure they will totally show favoritism toward exposures of indecency who victimize innocent bystanders so long as they look like this:



Ugh.

How frigging fair is that to the rest of us??

And you know it won't stop there, either. The next thing you know, they'll be targeting innocent McDonald's flashers:

Obviously, Ronald McDonald likes it, so what's the big deal?!!

Hey, and what about my own brother who lives in South Dakota and enjoys a bit of victimless flashing every now and then, himself??

Let me tell you, his dog is mighty damn happy that he goes out there and pees on the trees with her every morning, and I do not believe he should be punished just for trying to bond with his little Mookie Pie.

Ugh.

Frgging fascists.

To be honest, I'm glad that I live in Idaho, where we are still pretty much free to commit victimless crimes any time, day or night.

In fact, in honor of my oppressed and suppressed South Dakota brethren, I think I am going to head out and moon all the tourists heading up to Yellowstone right now, before those fascist bastards strip me of my right to moon the public!!

Don't worry, I got some sun while I was out sunbathing and streaking naked through the neighborhood earlier today, so my ass is nice and tan.

Hooyah!!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com

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So no offense to all of you hardcore Seinfeld fans out there, but I had a rather offensive dream about Cosmo Kramer last night.

Seriously!!

It was really frigging bizarre, too, and NO, it wasn't a sex dream!!

Well, actually it was a sex dream, but I wasn't having sex, I was just watching. Er, I mean I was watching Kramer explain his sexual escapade from the night before to Elaine and Jerry.

Yep, and as soon as I woke up I grabbed my sketchbook and drew a picture of what I saw in my dream and I scanned it in to my computer to share with you:

Hey, I never said I was a professional artist!!

:p

Anyhoo, I was flipping through more of the things that I drew in my dream sketchbook and found some other ones that I thought you might enjoy.

For instance, there was this one:


Ha!

Don't ask me why my subconscience went there, I mean I know that in reality he would never say that!

Well, not outloud at least!!

The same goes for this next one, he'd never admit it if this was the truth:


Heh.

I'm sure he'd find a way to spin his way out of that one though, right?

Right.

Sadly, I didn't too well drawing this next one, but hopefully you can tell who it is:

No, that's NOT Pat Robertson, that's David Letterman.

Ugh!!

They don't even look at all alike.

Oh, but I did draw one of Pat Robertson after this really weird dream I had of him just this last week:

Yeeeeahhhh right.

I know it is just wishful thinking, but I'm still hoping that one will come true.

Between you and me, I bet this next one will come true, though. Just wait for the next meeting of the Fed, you'll see:


You know, lately I've been thinking of liquidating my own assets and buying a one way ticket to Greenland! I hear the weather there is much like it is here in Idaho.

Hey, if I do go, you are welcome to come and use my monster truck to chase tourists and grizzly bears, and eat some tacos at the taco truck and hang out in my air-conditioned, titanium reinforced bunker until I come back!!

Cuz you are my #1 fan and I am nice like that.

Just don't eat all the food I have stored in my bunker, dammit!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com

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?????

Vote for me over at humor-blogs.com !!

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Well apparently years of caber tossing, eating sheep intestine and going commando under their kilts has taken it's toll on the mental state of my Scottish brethren. Taken from The Scotsman news online:

A POLICE force has apologised over concerns that an advertisement featuring a German shepherd pup could be offensive to the Islamic community.

That's right.

A puppy!!

Ugh.

What in the world is wrong with these people?!! Don't they grow up hoping for a puppy under their Christmas tree like the rest of us??

Honestly, just take a look at the little cutie pie that they supposedly found so damned offensive:



I know!!

That is like the cutest puppy EVER.

Well, OK, technically my puppy was wayyyyy cuter than that:

But still! He is pretty damn cute!!

Now I could understand how it MIGHT offend them had he looked like this:


And between you and me, I could really understand how they could be offended had he looked like this:


Heh.

Which is ridiculous because come on, admit it, that is one adorable Jewish puppy right there. I'd name him Mozel Tov if he was mine!! :)

Anyhoo, nobody would even stop to question those easily offended Islamist's right to be offended if the postcard would have had this dog on it:


Blech!! That would offend even me!!

But, noooo, it wasn't any of those, so they have no legitimate excuse.

You know, I feel bad because I bet there is some little Muslim kid out there right now who secretly prays to Allah every night, wishing he would bring him a puppy for Christmas:


Yeah.

Poor little guy! :(

You know, I really wish that I could do something to help little jihadists like him to have their wishes fulfilled at Christmas.

Hmmm.

Hey!! I bet my Fatwa friends would help me start a Christmas Puppies for Muslims foundation!

Those crazy bastards will do anything for me:


Yep, we'll put a puppy under every frigging Muslim Christmas tree out there. They'll be soooo happy and soooo busy cleaning up dog shit that they won't have time to be soooo offended.

Hooyah!!

It will be a great tax write-off, too. :)

Of course, I'll need some puppies to get started and I might as well give one of them my neighbor's dog, George while I'm at it, since he STILL comes over and pisses on my grass and digs up my flowers.

Ugh!!!

Friggin' George.

Hmm. Maybe I'll just strap a suicide vest on George's ass and detonate him next 4th of July, instead.

:p

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com

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So recently I was invited by a friend to attend services at the local Catholic church. Of course I declined, and I think I may have offended my friend in doing so.

I know. :(

But in my defense, he's the one who put me on the spot so I had to come up with something, and I certainly didn't want to tell him that I just don't need any church to fulfill my needs because I fulfill my own needs quite nicely and quite often, thank you very much.

Hey!

Don't give me that look!

I meant I fulfill my needs by going to see Jesus at his taco truck every day and playing with the church sign generator!

Ugh.

You are such a perv!

Anyhoo, instead of just being blunt with him in order to spare his feelings, I quickly came up with my 5 best reasons that explain why I can't be Catholic. I don't think he bought them:


1) What if the priest is really good looking?


I mean, I have only kneeled before a man for one reason and one reason only and I'm not sure I would be able to do it for any other reason, especially for anything to do with God.

That would just feel wrong!!!

2) I have looked but still haven't found a patron saint of blogging:

How could I take worship seriously if I don't have a patron saint watching over me and my blog??

3) The pope scares the shit out of me every time I look at him!


Honestly, if I didn't already suspect either myself or Google as being the antichrist, he'd be right up there at the top of my list!

*shudders*

4) I would feel obligated to tell them EVERYTHING during confession:


Yep, and I don't want to be responsible for the psychological damage that I may or may not bestow upon some poor, unsuspecting bastard who had the misfortune of being assigned to the confessional chamber on the day I decided to drag my ass to church!!

Ugh.

The guilt would be a heavy burden for me to bear.

5) They might suspect me if I become possessed and cause 'evil things' to happen:



Hey, I can't guarantee that I won't become demon possessed and start stabbing priests with golden crucifixes or drowning them in vats of holy water, can I?!

I mean, it is the Catholic church.

Think about it, in every single movie where there is demon possession, who is right there in the middle of it?

That's right!

Poor bastards.

6) Did I mention that the pope scares the shit out of me??



*shudders again*

:p

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com !!

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Despite the fact that there are many America hating bastards who are offended by this country and everything she stands for, I happen to love my country, and I'd just like to take a moment to say to them on this lovely 4th of July:


For the rest of you...

:)

I wonder if there are any America hating bastards over at humor-blogs.com!!

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Yeah, I know, the title of this post is rather offensive, but to be honest, so is the rest of the post so if you are one of those squeamish sissy types, then you may want to click over to this place instead.

For the rest of you, I am glad you aren't a sissy, because for the first time in The Offended Blogger's history I am taking you deep into the dark recesses of my Google Analytics keyword searches.



Yep, I decided that I shouldn't suffer the psychological damage alone when I have you, my #1 fan to suffer along with me!! ;)

Actually, most of them are rather mundane and naturally, variations of the word 'offend' bring in the most traffic:


George Carlin brings nearly as much:


Mike Holmes and midgets are quite popular, too:



Oh, and I do get a few keywords like these that really frigging creep me out, and make me wonder if I should contact the FBI or something:


But it's the really bizarre ones that jump out at me and make me wonder if I should laugh or cry or both:


I know!!

Funny thing is, that one came the day before Valentines.

Poor bastard!!

I just wonder if he found the answer to that on my blog, and if so... holy shit! How, erm, offensive of me to offer such advice and what was I smoking when I did it?!!

So yeeahhh.

There you have it.

A tiny glimpse into the offensive stats on my blog.

Between you and me, I think I may be better off not knowing what people are searching for on Google to get here!!

I mean, one of them could be YOU and that is just not right, dammit!

:p

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You know, I've been tagged several times to do various memes, and no offense to my fellow bloggers who may enjoy these things, but they just annoy the hell out of me!

I mean, honestly, they are just not my style but since I know other bloggers who I love and admire seem to enjoy them, I decided to make a meme that IS my style!

Hooyah!!





Yep, and it is a self-styled interview with myself. I titled it:

"The Meme That Offends Me" by Chelle B.

1. Who is your all time favorite offender?

Definitely, hands down, Bugs Bunny!! He is the original equal opportunity offender. Here is a clip of some of my most favorite offenses that he committed:

2. What is your favorite offensive food or drink?

Well, I do so enjoy a cowboy cocksucker now and then:

Yummmm!

They go great with Rocky Mountain Oysters. ;)

3. Do you have a favorite offensive song?

Hmmm, let's see. The Dear Penis song by Rodney Carrington comes to mind. It always makes me lol:

4. Is there a particular type of person that offends you?

Yes!!!

Anyone who is shallow, phony and/or full of silicone, like these freaks:

5. Have you ever committed an illegal offense?

Uhhhh...

Heh. :)

6. What do you typically do when someone commits a serious offense against you?

Well, I am a very forgiving person, so it doesn't take long for me to get over it.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding?!!

It usually ends up like this:

Hooyah!!

So there you have it, my first meme, Offended Blogger style. I hope you enjoyed it. ;)

I am tagging Don and Lobo with this one, since they are two of my most favorite offenders over at humor-blogs.com!

Click over and pay them a visit!!

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OK, I'm sure those of you who are of the penile persuasion probably felt an uncontrollable urge to click on this post because of the implied possibility of it leading to an arousing (yet possibly offensive to someone with an offending stick up their ass!) picture like this:



Sorry, but I assure you that this is not the case, and frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking such a thing!! :p

Actually, here is an excerpt from yet another recent UK article entitled: Schoolgirl in Rude T-shirt protest.

A SCHOOLGIRL aged just seven took action after being offended by a T-shirt hanging outside a shop.

Seven-year-old Bernadette Davey, of Scarborough, contacted the council and police to ask for the "rude" T-shirt to be removed from outside the shop.

However, instead of taking offending article down the shop owner covered the area in question with a sign saying "lift me".

First of all, what the fuck is up with these easily offended Brits anyway? Secondly, everyone knows that placing a "lift me" sign on a piece of clothing is just asking for trouble!!

Also, the article didn't say exactly what was on the shirt that offended the little girl, so of course my own *ahem* perverted curiosity was piqued so, naturally, I promptly went about scouring the net for possible suspects.

I thought I had it narrowed down to one of the following offensive t-shirts:






But then I found these and knew it had to be one of them:


OK, it probably wasn't any of these, but between you and me, if I were that little girl, the one on the top left sure the hell would have offended me because in case you weren't aware, I happen to live in Idaho.

That's right, and it is the best place on earth, dammit!!

:p

Man, I hope they all washed their asses, just in case, over at humor-blogs.com!!

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No offense to those easily offended British, but after years of enduring feminine itch, genital herpes and penile dysfunction commercials, I can honestly say that a Heinz mayonnaise commercial with two men kissing would be a breath of fresh air right about frigging now!

From the UK's timesonline:

A mayonnaise ad that shows two men kissing has been withdrawn from television after 200 viewers complained that it was offensive.

Heinz, which makes the New York Deli Mayo featured in the commercial, pulled the advertisement less than a week into its expected five week run, in response to the criticism.

Viewers told the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) that the ad was inappropriate and unsuitable for children to see. The ASA has not yet decided whether to launch an investigation.

Heinz apologised for any offence caused.

Heh.

Bloody Brits.

Between you and me, I think Heinz should get their revenge by making a new ketchup ad aimed directly at gays:


Oh yeaahhh.

:p

I hear they like ketchup on their wieners over at humor-blogs.com

* ~ * Click here to enter this week's Weekender Offender contest!! * ~ *

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Well, it is official and it comes as no surprise to me since I voted for her myself, but Dirty Shanks is the current reigning champion of the Weekender Offender contest!

Hooyah!!

As you can see, her offensive homophobia card kicked some serious ass on the competition:




So... thanks to everyone who entered last week, and congratulations, Jailbird!! Here is your shiny, new, custom award. I hope you wear it proudly:


It will be going up in my sidebar today, along with a link to your awesome blog. :)

~ *~ ATTENTION FELLOW OFFENDERS!! ~ *~

The new Weekender Offender contest starts RIGHT NOW and will run until I get 10 entries. Once there are 10, the poll will open for voting but I am changing the rules a bit to kick this up a notch and to challenge all of my favorite offenders out there to see if they have what it takes to be the next Weekender Offender. :)

From now on, all new entries will be put to a vote against the reigning champion until a new Weekender Offender champion is voted in!!

Yep, so that means in order to claim the prize, you have to kick Dirty Shank's ass and steal her title as well as her advertising spot in my sidebar with your own offensive entry; whether it be a blog post, a good dirty joke, or whatever offense you think will do the trick, throw down and let's see what you got!

(Jailbird, you can even try to kick your own ass with another Dirty Shank if you'd like! :)

So come on, what are you waiting for?! Whip out your best offense and let's see if you have what it takes to win this thing!!

You can post your entries in the comments here, or use the email button in my sidebar to email them to me, (although I will warn you, if your entry has to do with penile dysfunction or me winning the Nigerian lottery, it may end up in my spam folder :p ).

Oh yeah, and as always, may the best offender win!!

;)

You should wash your hands when you leave because they all have dirty shanks over at humor-blogs.com

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So, no offense, but I am just REALLY not in the mood to write a post today. Why? Well, because I am way too preoccupied with working out, target practicing and making my "Darwin List" of people and things I plan on pillaging and cannibalizing in anticipation for the end of the world.

That's right, as you may or may not know, I am a true Darwinist and I plan on being one of the fittest who survives when this all goes down.

Hooyah!!

Yep, and the first ones on my Darwin list of who to cannibalize and pillage are all those who want to tell me how it is all my fault that the world is coming to an end to begin with:



OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., don't you brag about how you drive a huge, fossil fuel guzzling monster truck? Then it IS your fault, and you should feel guilty!!"

Hey!

I'd watch it if I were you.

#1 fan or not, you'll be right up there at the top of my Darwin list, dammit.

Plus, you tell me, why is it such a bad thing that I encourage the world as we know it coming to an end anyway?

I mean, how do you know that the polar bears don't WANT it to be like this:


Hell, I know I do!!

And even if they don't want to live like that, you can hardly blame me for singlehandedly destroying the planet and turning it into a tropical paradise.

If you really want someone to blame, why not blame the people who run the National Geographics channel?

Seriously. They are the guilty ones.

Hypocrite bastards.

I bet they killed wayyyy more polar bears and melted wayyyyy more polar ice making all of their stupid "The End Is Coming and It's All Your Fault, Chelle!!" fear mongering shows than I ever will chasing grizzly bears and tourists with my monster truck around here!!

Yep, and I bet they are making a new one right now, and in it they'll suggest that I sell my monster truck and fork over $150,000 for one of these 'organic cars':


Yeeeahhh.

Now, I ask you, just how survival of the fittest/Darwinistic is that bullshit?

Like the grizzly bears and tourists around here would take me seriously or see me as more fit than them in one of THOSE ridiculous looking things!!

Please.

It doesn't help that people like my stupid neighbor, who claim to be Darwinists and who like to put that stupid little Darwin fish on the back of their stupid little 'organic cars', fail to realize that they are not AT ALL fit to survive.

They are such sissies, really.

In fact, they'll be the first to go down!!

Oh, I'm sure my neighbor thinks he'll survive with the rest of us REAL Darwinists, just so he can say:


Ha!!

Of course, he is the same loony bastard who lost most of his fingers and toes to frostbite last year because he thought he was actually fit enough to survive an entire winter up here in Idaho without going crazy and trying to escape down to Mexico:



I knew I should have never called in the Idaho Search and Rescue team to find his delusional, unfit to survive, hypothermic ass.

Oh well, between you and me, I'm glad I did because he's the first one on my Darwin list of who I am going to cannibalize and pillage when this all goes down!!!

Yep, and he's not the only one, either.

In fact, once I'm done with it, I'll tell you who else is on my Darwin list and why you need to start making one of your own! I mean, you do believe in Darwinism and being fit to survive, too... don't you??

;)

They are all on my Darwin list over at humor-blogs.com

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Hey fellow offenders, it is time to vote for this week's Weekender Offender!! Thanks to everyone who entered, they were all great and now it is time for my readers to pick the winner.

Voting will run through the weekend, and the winner will be awarded on Monday! :)

The top 3 entries are:

1) Dirty Shanks with her hilariously offensive homophobia card:

2) FishWhisperer with an old favorite of mine, an offensively dirty limerick:

There once was a man from Nantucket
he had a dick so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
as he wiped of his chin
if my ear was a pussy I would fuck it.

3) Ken with this vintage video of a mother committing a 'knife throwing offense' against her innocent child: