The "Scale of Evil part 1.5" Offensive

Sooo half way through the process of placing myself and my fellow humor bloggers on Dr. Stone's scale of evil, I suddenly realized that my lone act of depraved evil was not entirely my fault and therefore I refuse to show you where I rank on the scale until I have a chance to set the record straight!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., you can't fool me! You don't have a spot on the scale of evil, you are not capable of even one depraved and demented act!!".

Oh, believe me, I am capable!

Not only that, but by the time I was 10, I had done this one thing that I am so ashamed of that I can hardly believe I did it.

Hey, don't laugh, I am serious!!

But like I said, it is not entirely my fault. I blame my mean older brothers and sisters, really. I mean, even my team of court-appointed psychiatrists agree that they are the ones to blame since they are the ones who bullied me into becoming a deranged psychopath capable of unspeakable acts that would someday land me on Dr. Stone's scale of evil.

I could be the poster child for bullying, in fact:



Thanks, I feel sorry for me, too.

:(

It is sad but true, I know firsthand how bullying can turn an otherwise sweet and angelic child into a monster.

I mean, I personally helped bully this one really nice kid I went to school with into becoming a deranged, psychopathic murderer:


Well, at least I assume that's what happened to him, he kinda sorta dropped out of school in the 6th grade, never to be heard from again.

Hey, don't give me that look, it's not my fault that his parents named him Harry!!

I mean, with a last name like BALL, who frigging names their kid Harry?!!!

Ugh.

I know, it's almost like they wanted him to be teased, tormented and beaten up by his classmates at Teddy Roosevelt elementary and honestly, it's not like I enjoyed teasing him or anything:


Ok, that's not exactly true.

I admit it, I enjoyed the stomping on his tear-streaked face part of it a bit.

Ok, a lot.

Heh.

Between you and me, some nights I lie awake all night long, clutching my Hello Kitty Ruger, just waiting for that psychopath bastard Harry Ball to sneak in to my room and exact his revenge on me!

He's probably already slaughtered the rest of my former classmates:




Ooooh, I just hope he got that Christina Filmore, man I hated her!!

She always stole my boyfriends, including Mr. Chester, our 6th grade gym teacher - who she later married!!

I know, what a bitch, huh?!

Don't tell anyone, but I got her back though. Yep, I snuck in her house one night a few years ago and knocked her over the head with a baseball bat and then tied up and raped Mr. Chester all night long.

Hey, believe me, he did NOT seem to mind! In fact, when she started to come to, he grabbed the bat and knocked her out again and then begged for more.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, where was I again?

Oh yeah, my lone, depraved act of evil that I was driven to commit, all thanks to my evil brothers and sisters who bullied me.

Ugh.

Here it is, please just promise me that you won't hate me:

Hey, I only did it in a desperate attempt to make my parents wake up and see what those mean bastard siblings of mine were turning me into!!

Oh, alright, fine, I only did it because I wanted a new Hello Kitty dolly for Christmas.

Well, and I wanted to make sure my hatchet was sharp enough to slice through the little head of my brother's new puppy before I attempted it.

Hey, don't look at me like that, that little frigging puppy peed on my Hello Kitty comforter, he deserved to go down for it, dammit!!

Next time I will reveal to you where this evil act landed me on the scale of evil, don't miss it!

:p

Vote for me over at humor-blogs.com or YOUR puppy and Hello Kitty dolly are next!!

The "Caption This (Not Quite) Wordless (Not Quite) Wednesday Post!!" Offensive

Ok, I know Wordless Wednesday is SUPPOSED to be, well, wordless and posted on Wednesday and all but I am feeling rebellious. Plus, this week's "Caption This Wordless Wednesday" post needed a little background since it involves ME.

That's right, ME! Yep, you get to caption what you think I said in response to this offensive little exchange between me and (that mean bastard I like to lovingly refer to as) my hubby:

Him, pausing while reaching over to kiss me good morning and then leaning as far back away from me as humanly possible - "Chelle!! Holy crap, you have a big herpes growing on your lip!".

Me, reaching up to feel a TINY little cold sore forming on my bottom lip and then pouting a bit - "So what, it's just a little cold sore, are you afraid to kiss me or what??".

Him - "Not afraid, just... disturbed... because it would be like kissing a..."

Me - "Like kissing what? A freakish TROLL or something?!".

Him - "Well now that you mention it...".

Me, jumping up out of the bed.... completely naked (what? that's how I sleep!) - "You bastard! I guess morning sex is out of the question then!!".

Him - "Oh, come on now, don't overreact, we can still have sex... but only after I run to the store and buy some condoms!".

Me - "Uh, you had a vasectomy, what the hell do you need condoms for?!".

Him - "Well, you don't expect me to let you give me my morning blowjob without double bagging it, what with that trollish monstrosity growing on your lip , do you?!".

Me -

?????

Vote for me at humor-blogs.com and check me out at AllTop now, too! :)

The "Scale of Evil - part 1" Offensive

So my new favorite reality show is called 'Most Evil', have you seen it?? Yes, it IS the one with that kinda nutty looking psychiatrist, Dr. Stone, who places depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders on his "scale of evil".

Man, I just love that show.

In fact, I am practically obsessed with it!

Hey, don't give me that look. I can't help it if I am intrigued and infatuated with depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders!

There is just something about them that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. They even make me a bit homesick because, honestly, they do seem to remind me of how I grew up with depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders.

Hmmm, now that I think of it, if I'm not mistaken, I think that nutty looking "Most Evil" Dr. Stone is the same guy who wrote my favorite childhood book:


I know!!

I loved that one, too!

My depraved, narcissistic, psychopathic mother used to read it to me before bed every night, and then I would doze off into dreamland with my favorite Hello Kitty nightlight glowing softly in the corner, and my favorite Hello Kitty gun clutched tightly in my little hands:



Between you and me, though, I do worry a bit about Dr. Stone's mental state.

I mean, anyone who dedicates their entire life to reading and studying about depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders probably has a future spot reserved on that scale of evil himself, if you know what I mean!

Heh.

Lucky for me that I've only dedicated 3/4 of my life to reading and studying about depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders!

Seriously, I can't help but wonder where he and a few others would end up on his scale of evil if they ever snapped, and I bet Dr. Stone would probably end up somewhere around the middle.

Yeah, I can see him around a level 14:

Yep, he comes across to me as a narcissistic homicidal maniac for some reason.

Then there is the pope, who I would definitely rate higher because I can't help but think that he is always thinking evil thoughts:



*shudders*

I'd put him at about a level 19, the spot reserved for psychopaths like him and Google, who subjugate their victims.

Of course, some people would place this next guy higher on the scale, but I'd put him pretty low, maybe around a 5 or so:



I mean, poor Ozzy, he definitely comes across to me as a traumatized, desperate person who kill annoying and abusive relatives while intoxicated but are geniuinely remorseful afterwards.

Uhh, much unlike my next offender, who I would place at the highest level - 22, the spot reserved for someone who is driven by sexual sadism and murder:

Hey, believe me, she's not the only one I'd put up there at level 22.

Among others is this guy:

Finally, there are some people who are soooo evil, that Mr. Stone would need to create a whole new scale of evil because they would rank off his current scale of evil completely!

People like:


Yeeeeahhh.

It is scary that we have to share the planet with such depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths or otherwise deviant offenders, isn't it?

Anyhoo, don't miss part 2 of this series, where I will divulge exactly where on the scale of evil I think some of my fellow humor bloggers (like LOBO and Don among others!) would rank if they ever went off their meds and decided to become depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths or otherwise deviant offenders!

Maybe I'll even divulge where I rank on the scale of evil, that is if my lawyer and parole officer will let me.

Hooyah!!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com or I might do something we both regret and I'll have to go back to prison!!

The "My Angry Seafood Interview!!" Offensive

Recently, because I am soooo damn cool, I was chosen by Chris over at Angry Seafood for a "Bloggers Speak" interview.

Hey, don't be jealous, dammit!! If you just try harder, you can be cool like me someday!

Well, almost as cool at least. :)

Anyway, he had some great questions for me and I decided to post (most of) the interview here.

But - before you read it, you MUST promise to go read the whole thing over at his blog because at the end there is a special question I added just for you.

Promise??

OK, good, here it is, enjoy!

1. Worst movie sequel ever made?

Hands down, Caddyshack II.

Any fan of the movie Caddyshack would have to agree with me on this one, right?

I mean, what the hell were they thinking? It was like they were spitting a big ol' theatrical lung booger into the faces of Caddyshack fans with that piece of drivel.

2. Senator Nancy Pelosi hasn’t gotten any action in quite some time. What do you think is the over/under on years since Pelosi has had sex and why?

Between you and me, I don't believe Nancy Pelosi has ever had sex, which is why she has that freakish look on her face all the time. Or maybe that's why she's never had sex to begin with, I dunno.

I mean, either way, would you do her??

I know I definitely wouldn't do her!! Well, you know, if I had the equipment to do her with that is.

Blech!

3. Van Halen question- Sammy or Dave?

Hmmm! That's a hard one! I think I will have to say that I would have preferred to dance in the streets and run with the devil with Dave. Well, back when he was in his prime of course.

Nowadays he looks like he has been run over by the devil's private fleet of garbage trucks.

Blech again!

4. Your significant other tells you that the news that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source. Never leave the house or take a trip cross-country?

Ooooh! My bags would be packed and I'd be strapped in and ready to go before he even finished (telling me the news story that is).

Hooyah!

5. What celebrity would you curse with a plague and why?

A better question would be which celebrity wouldn't I curse with a plague! They are all just lucky I don't have the ability to curse them all because I'd be a cursing fool. Hell, I'd make it a full time job cursing celebrities.

I mean honestly, are there any celebrities worthy of not cursing these days?

Ugh.

6. What would be the funniest way to dump a boyfriend?

Ummm... by calling to tell him that I heard on the news that semen can be used as an alternative fuel source and that I decided to do my part to help the environment (and my favorite baseball team!) by hitching a ride on the Mariner's bus? :)

7. If you could create your own court procedural drama what would it focus on?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm still daydreaming that I'm on the Mariner's bus doing my part to save the planet...

What was the question??

Oh yeah! Of course it would be all about those poor afflicted people who sue over being offended by something, what else?!

I would have to be the judge though, and believe me, I would make Judge Judy look like Mary frigging Poppins. :)

Chelle B’s question for the readers:

Ah-ha! Now see?? I told you you'd have to go on over and answer my question to you.

Come on now, you promised you would!!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com!

The "Nike, That Ain't Right!!" Offensive

Yesterday, according to the Oregonian, Nike announced that it would pull it's controversial advertising campaign that is purportedly offensive to gays.

Now, fair warning, the following picture is not intended for the weak of stomach. I am in no way liable for whatever psychological damage that you may be left with after viewing it, either.

I'm serious! Don't click this open unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences of your actions!

OK, here it is, uncover your eyes:


Hey, I warned you!!

Now, I don't know about you, but that advertisement is more than just offensive to gay people!

In fact, I can hardly believe that Nike isn't rushing to apologize to ALL of the potentially offended people that this ad has probably negatively and irreparably affected:

• Black people
  
• Men
  
• Basketball players
  
• All athletes in general
  
• Women athletes who may or may not be black but believe they are men but aren't allowed to play on men's basketball teams because they are women
  
• Men and women, boys and girls who have no athletic ability and can't jump that high
  
• People with no arms and legs, faces, or torsos who may be offended by the offensive depictions of humans with arms, legs, faces and torsos
  
• English teachers
  
• English students
  
• Those learning English as a second language, or who someday may want to learn English as a second language and who, if they ever do learn English as a second language, may be offended by the use of the grammatically incorrect word 'ain't'
  

• Those who have a phobia against the color red
  
• Those who have a phobia against the color white
  
• People who prefer Reeboks over Nike
  
• People who are afraid of clowns
  
• People who owe the IRS over $400.00<
• People who have no frigging life and have nothing better to do than to be offended over EVERY FRIGGING THING!!!!!
  
• Me for having to spend five minutes writing this stupid post to point out just how utterly ridiculous Nike is to pull this ad over fear of offending
  

Oh, and that is just the tip of the iceberg! I bet that there are WAYYY more of us who deserve an apology AND a big fat check out of this travesty of offensiveness.

Yep, I'm going to call my lawyer right now!!

Believe me, he'll teach those running shoe bigot bastards not to mess with the likes of me!!

Oh, wait...

heh.

I forgot, my lawyer is still *ahem* tied up at the Folsom Street Fair:

That's OK, I am patient, and let's face it, NIKE certainly isn't going anywhere!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com!

The "Tax-Payer Funded Neo-Phallic Symbolism" Offensive

So, no offense, but between you and me, I am pretty darn lucky that I am so dependently wealthy! I mean, I honestly don't think that I could handle some of the senseless jobs that some unfortunate people out there are forced to do just to keep themselves off of the streets!!



Noooo, I mean jobs that are WAY more senseless that that, even!

You know, jobs like this one:



I know!!!

No matter how much of a salary (plus annual bonuses, mileage reimbursements and/or medical and dental benefits!) a mattress tester makes, I just could not see myself lasting long in that career!

Or what about this one:


Ha! That poor bastard probably wasted twelve years on seven college degrees just to get that job and I'm sure it pays well and all, but honestly, you'd think in our modern, technologically advanced society that they'd have better ways to test the flame resistance of parachutes, wouldn't you??

Ugh.

Oh, I know, those sorts of jobs seem attractive, and I guess a lot of people seem to want them, but I am just not so sure they would suit me.

Like, for instance, this one is apparently quite popular:


You know, to be honest, I'm not really even sure what he is doing or whether that job is legal here in Idaho, but even if it was, and even if it paid well, I certainly wouldn't want to do it!!

I mean, it gets way too frigging cold in the winter here to do whatever the hell that is out in public!!

Same with this one:


Yeeeahhh.

Now, I don't know about you, but sub-zero temperatures or not, I just can't imagine being a full-time strip searcher/bouncer for the local Olive Garden!

That just seems a bit too, well, unhygienic for my taste.

Blech!!

No, if I had to work, which thankfully I don't, I could really only see myself slaving away at one of those bullshit, government-funded, totally senseless researcher jobs where they study the flow rate of ketchup or some such nonsensical nonsense.

OR... better yet... I'd want to get paid ungodly amounts of money to work one of those bullshit, government-funded, totally senseless researcher jobs where they study the use of subliminal neo-phallic symbolism in the media and it's impact on pre-menopausal, post-nymphomaniac baby boomers.

Hooyah!!

Hey, don't look at me like that.

Any job that is tax-payer funded and revolves around the study of neo-phallic symbolism sounds pretty damn good to me!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com!

The "Wordless Wednesday/Caption This" Offensive

?????

*shudders*

The "Shut Your Black Pie Hole!!" Offensive

Houston, or rather, Dallas, we have a serious frigging problem!

From the Dallas News online:

Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.

Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."

That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.

Racially insensitive analogy?!!

WTF?!!

What's next on their list?

BLACK bears?

BLACK coffee???

BLACK eyes???????

Uh, no offense, but between you and me, I think both of those BLACK guys are just race-baiting assholes.

Hey, don't give me that look, someone had to say it! Now please excuse me while I go have a few shots of Jack Daniels BLACK and play some more BLACK Jack.

Woot!!

:)

The "RIP, You Dirty Old Bastard" Offensive

I don't know about you, but in my family, we were always taught that the truth is very important, and we should always be honest, even if it offends someone.

We were also taught that there is nothing wrong with speaking ill of the dead, so long as what we said was true.

Yep, and there is even a tradition in my family that the honest truth about a person is written in their obituary and even etched into their tombstone so everyone would know who the person really was in life.

For instance, my Grandpa Joe was known for being a miserly old bastard:

It's true!!

I mean, I do feel a bit bad, since I was the only one in the room with him when his life support system mysteriously came unplugged.

Yep, and it is purely a coincidence that I was the only one out fishing with my favorite uncle when he fell overboard and drown.

Poor Uncle Chester, I'll never forget how he smelled like an Old Spice factory, never had a job and always wanted to babysit us kids:

Oh, and then there was sweet little old Aunt Betty, who was blind as a bat and ruined more rugs, recliners and couches than our family can remember.

The last time she visited, she even ruined my favorite Hello Kitty comforter!!

Ugh.

I never forgave her for that.

Sadly, she fell and cracked her head on a 300 lb coffee table after I innocently rearranged all the furniture in her house:


Finally, there was the tragic death of my little brother who my mother and father just adored.

I always felt a bit responsible for his untimely demise:


Hey, I didn't think he'd take it literally when I told him to go jump off a cliff!!

Oh, alright I did.

Between you and me, he didn't really jump, either. It took me 10 minutes to push his ass off of that cliff!!! I nearly broke a nail doing it, too.

Hey, don't give me that look.

That little brat was always stealing my toys and wanting to tag along with me and my friends!

Hmm, I wonder what MY tombstone will say after I kick the bucket?? I'm sure it will be something nice, like:


Oh well, at least it will be the truth!!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com!

The "Get Over It!!" Offensive

Here is some food for thought for you, taken from NewsByUs:

The biggest problem with political correctness is its net effect on society. People don’t talk to each other anymore because someone told them that they have a right to not be offended, ever, over anything, even if offending them is the right thing to do.

We’re not supposed to use terms like “winner” anymore, because “losers” find the term offensive. We’re not supposed to talk about such antiquated terms as “right” or “wrong” because in a politically correct open society, there is no such thing, and to suggest that there is might offend someone, namely the wrong.

Well.... as you may or may not know, this whole "Fear of Offending" plague is exactly why I started this blog to begin with! So, I thought I would take a moment to dedicate the following song to anyone who might subscribe to that politically correct bullshit up there.

Enjoy:

"Get Over It" by The Eagles

I turn on the tube and what do I see
A whole lotta people cryin' "Don't blame me"
They point their crooked little
fingers at everybody else
Spend all their time feelin' sorry for themselves
Victim of this, victim of that
Your momma's too thin; your daddy's too fat

Get over it
Get over it
All this whinin' and cryin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

You say you haven't been the same since
you had your little crash
But you might feel better if I gave you some cash
The more I think about it, Old Billy was right
Let's kill all the lawyers, kill 'em tonight
You don't want to work, you want to live like a king
But the big, bad world doesn't owe you a thing

Get over it
Get over it
If you don't want to play, then you might as well split
Get over it, Get over it

It's like going to confession
every time I hear you speak
You're makin' the most of your losin' streak
Some call it sick, but I call it weak

You drag it around like a ball and chain
You wallow in the guilt; you wallow in the pain
You wave it like a flag, you wear it like a crown
Got your mind in the gutter, bringin' everybody down
Complain about the present and blame it on the past
I'd like to find your inner child
and kick its little ass

Get over it
Get over it
All this bitchin' and moanin' and pitchin' a fit
Get over it, get over it

Get over it
Get over it
It's gotta stop sometime, so why don't you quit
Get over it, get over it

:)

The "I'll Never Go Green Again!!" Offensive

Hey, no offense to all you eco-friendly do-gooders out there, but I give up! I will just never be as good as you are at this stuff.

Ugh.

Don't give me that look.

I really wanted to be eco-friendly, and believe me and it wasn't cheap when I went out and bought some of these for my secret eco-friendly greenhouse:


Yep, they were well worth the investment, too, because with all the money I made from the *ahem* increased productivity of my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse I built twelve more secret, eco-friendly greenhouses and upgraded to one of these:


That's right!!

And my eco-friendly humanitarian efforts didn't stop there, either!!

In fact, I wanted to help poor, out of state hunters with bad aim to not go home empty handed, so I graciously allowed them to pay me $1,000 per person to pose with all the dead geese that were hapless victims of my freakishly large, yet highly eco-friendly windmill:



Oh yeeah.

All of this eco-friendliness was really paying off for me for quite a long time, too, until I found out that those harbingers of eco-friendly light that they call compact fluorescent bulbs would work even better for my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse operation:


Oh, they worked great until I accidentally tripped on the way out of my secret greenhouse one day and broke that stupid #$%^ing burned out bulb you see up there in that picture.

Ugh.

Yep, and I knew that even in it's unbroken, burned out form it needed to be disposed of properly, like the hazardous non-eco friendly waste that it is, but once it was broken and leaking all of those deadly toxins all over the floor of my greenhouse...

Well...

I panicked!

You see, I had forgotten that the only Hazmat response team in my little Idaho town also happens to be Jesus and his cousin Pedro:


Yeahhh.

Oh, believe me, I WOULD have called them, but uh, well...

Let's just say that I told him that I stopped buying his sticky, imported "incense" from the taco truck because my glaucoma was cured, but really, I had just collected enough seeds and was growing my own.

I know.

He would have been sooooo pissed!!!!

Anyhoo... like I said, I panicked.

It is all a blur to me now, really, but I think I may or may not have jumped into my not-so-eco-friendly monster truck and I may or may not have knocked over one little telephone pole on the way out of town:


OK, that's not exactly the truth.

I may or may not have jumped in my truck and knocked over all of my secret greenhouses and my illegal windmill/goose hunting operation on the way out.

Wellllllll... and one of the flaming arms of my illegal windmill may or may not have landed three blocks over and may or may not have cut through the gas main and lit it on fire:



Hey, you don't have to lecture me!

I am fully aware that that sort of thing is not eco-friendly!! Believe me, that was the worst of it.

Then again, it may or may not have gotten much, much worse than that, now that I think about it.

OK, it did get worse.

Ugh.

Hey, how the hell was I supposed to know that one little severed gas main MAY or may not set off a chain reaction that may or may not have made Yellowstone erupt spontaneously:


I'm no frigging geologist!

My neighbors are always pissed at me anyway, so screw them if they can't appreciate my failed humanitarian and eco-friendly efforts.

:(

Hey, at least I survived it all, along with my monster truck, a pocket full of sticky "incense" seeds and my favorite eco-friendly restaurant:



Yeah, I do miss Jesus and his tacos, but it's all good.

Eventually another guy named Jesus will immigrate up here with his taco truck, and then I'll sell him MY sticky, homegrown "incense".

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com !!

The "Expose Your Indecency While You Still Can!!!" Offensive

Ummm so no offense if you are a lawyer, but I think Shakespeare was right. We need to kill all the frigging lawyers!! Why? Well, I just found out that a ruling from the Supreme Court in South Dakota could set a dangerous precedent which could affect the right of every American citizen who enjoys the freedom to partake in a bit of "victimless" indecent exposure!!

See for yourself:

From Channel News 4 in South Dakota:

The South Dakota Supreme Court says state law does not require the actual presence of an offended victim to convict someone of indecent exposure....

I know!!

This is fascism run amok, I tell you!!

Now, don't get me wrong, I am TOTALLY against indecent exposure where there are hapless victims, and I fully support the right for these types of offenders to be arrested, denied a trial, and executed by firing squad at dawn:


But come on, they deserve that sort of swift justice!!

The ones I feel sorry for are like these poor, innocent, unsuspecting skinny dippers who are, as we speak, trapped in legal limbo somewhere outside of Pierre because of this insane new law:


What the hell are they supposed to do??

Stay in the lake and... die??

Ugh!

Plus, you and I both know how abusive and corrupt our police can be! I'm sure they will totally show favoritism toward exposures of indecency who victimize innocent bystanders so long as they look like this:



Ugh.

How frigging fair is that to the rest of us??

And you know it won't stop there, either. The next thing you know, they'll be targeting innocent McDonald's flashers:

Obviously, Ronald McDonald likes it, so what's the big deal?!!

Hey, and what about my own brother who lives in South Dakota and enjoys a bit of victimless flashing every now and then, himself??

Let me tell you, his dog is mighty damn happy that he goes out there and pees on the trees with her every morning, and I do not believe he should be punished just for trying to bond with his little Mookie Pie.

Ugh.

Frgging fascists.

To be honest, I'm glad that I live in Idaho, where we are still pretty much free to commit victimless crimes any time, day or night.

In fact, in honor of my oppressed and suppressed South Dakota brethren, I think I am going to head out and moon all the tourists heading up to Yellowstone right now, before those fascist bastards strip me of my right to moon the public!!

Don't worry, I got some sun while I was out sunbathing and streaking naked through the neighborhood earlier today, so my ass is nice and tan.

Hooyah!!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com

The "My Offensive Dream Sketchbook" Offensive

So no offense to all of you hardcore Seinfeld fans out there, but I had a rather offensive dream about Cosmo Kramer last night.

Seriously!!

It was really frigging bizarre, too, and NO, it wasn't a sex dream!!

Well, actually it was a sex dream, but I wasn't having sex, I was just watching. Er, I mean I was watching Kramer explain his sexual escapade from the night before to Elaine and Jerry.

Yep, and as soon as I woke up I grabbed my sketchbook and drew a picture of what I saw in my dream and I scanned it in to my computer to share with you:

Hey, I never said I was a professional artist!!

:p

Anyhoo, I was flipping through more of the things that I drew in my dream sketchbook and found some other ones that I thought you might enjoy.

For instance, there was this one:


Ha!

Don't ask me why my subconscience went there, I mean I know that in reality he would never say that!

Well, not outloud at least!!

The same goes for this next one, he'd never admit it if this was the truth:


Heh.

I'm sure he'd find a way to spin his way out of that one though, right?

Right.

Sadly, I didn't too well drawing this next one, but hopefully you can tell who it is:

No, that's NOT Pat Robertson, that's David Letterman.

Ugh!!

They don't even look at all alike.

Oh, but I did draw one of Pat Robertson after this really weird dream I had of him just this last week:

Yeeeeahhhh right.

I know it is just wishful thinking, but I'm still hoping that one will come true.

Between you and me, I bet this next one will come true, though. Just wait for the next meeting of the Fed, you'll see:


You know, lately I've been thinking of liquidating my own assets and buying a one way ticket to Greenland! I hear the weather there is much like it is here in Idaho.

Hey, if I do go, you are welcome to come and use my monster truck to chase tourists and grizzly bears, and eat some tacos at the taco truck and hang out in my air-conditioned, titanium reinforced bunker until I come back!!

Cuz you are my #1 fan and I am nice like that.

Just don't eat all the food I have stored in my bunker, dammit!

:)

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com

The "Caption This/Wordless Wednesday!" Offensive

?????

Vote for me over at humor-blogs.com !!

The "Christmas Puppies for Muslims!!" Offensive

Well apparently years of caber tossing, eating sheep intestine and going commando under their kilts has taken it's toll on the mental state of my Scottish brethren. Taken from The Scotsman news online:

A POLICE force has apologised over concerns that an advertisement featuring a German shepherd pup could be offensive to the Islamic community.

That's right.

A puppy!!

Ugh.

What in the world is wrong with these people?!! Don't they grow up hoping for a puppy under their Christmas tree like the rest of us??

Honestly, just take a look at the little cutie pie that they supposedly found so damned offensive:



I know!!

That is like the cutest puppy EVER.

Well, OK, technically my puppy was wayyyyy cuter than that:

But still! He is pretty damn cute!!

Now I could understand how it MIGHT offend them had he looked like this:


And between you and me, I could really understand how they could be offended had he looked like this:


Heh.

Which is ridiculous because come on, admit it, that is one adorable Jewish puppy right there. I'd name him Mozel Tov if he was mine!! :)

Anyhoo, nobody would even stop to question those easily offended Islamist's right to be offended if the postcard would have had this dog on it:


Blech!! That would offend even me!!

But, noooo, it wasn't any of those, so they have no legitimate excuse.

You know, I feel bad because I bet there is some little Muslim kid out there right now who secretly prays to Allah every night, wishing he would bring him a puppy for Christmas:


Yeah.

Poor little guy! :(

You know, I really wish that I could do something to help little jihadists like him to have their wishes fulfilled at Christmas.

Hmmm.

Hey!! I bet my Fatwa friends would help me start a Christmas Puppies for Muslims foundation!

Those crazy bastards will do anything for me:


Yep, we'll put a puppy under every frigging Muslim Christmas tree out there. They'll be soooo happy and soooo busy cleaning up dog shit that they won't have time to be soooo offended.

Hooyah!!

It will be a great tax write-off, too. :)

Of course, I'll need some puppies to get started and I might as well give one of them my neighbor's dog, George while I'm at it, since he STILL comes over and pisses on my grass and digs up my flowers.

Ugh!!!

Friggin' George.

Hmm. Maybe I'll just strap a suicide vest on George's ass and detonate him next 4th of July, instead.

:p

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The "Why I Can't Be A Catholic" Offensive

So recently I was invited by a friend to attend services at the local Catholic church. Of course I declined, and I think I may have offended my friend in doing so.

I know. :(

But in my defense, he's the one who put me on the spot so I had to come up with something, and I certainly didn't want to tell him that I just don't need any church to fulfill my needs because I fulfill my own needs quite nicely and quite often, thank you very much.

Hey!

Don't give me that look!

I meant I fulfill my needs by going to see Jesus at his taco truck every day and playing with the church sign generator!

Ugh.

You are such a perv!

Anyhoo, instead of just being blunt with him in order to spare his feelings, I quickly came up with my 5 best reasons that explain why I can't be Catholic. I don't think he bought them:


1) What if the priest is really good looking?


I mean, I have only kneeled before a man for one reason and one reason only and I'm not sure I would be able to do it for any other reason, especially for anything to do with God.

That would just feel wrong!!!

2) I have looked but still haven't found a patron saint of blogging:

How could I take worship seriously if I don't have a patron saint watching over me and my blog??

3) The pope scares the shit out of me every time I look at him!


Honestly, if I didn't already suspect either myself or Google as being the antichrist, he'd be right up there at the top of my list!

*shudders*

4) I would feel obligated to tell them EVERYTHING during confession:


Yep, and I don't want to be responsible for the psychological damage that I may or may not bestow upon some poor, unsuspecting bastard who had the misfortune of being assigned to the confessional chamber on the day I decided to drag my ass to church!!

Ugh.

The guilt would be a heavy burden for me to bear.

5) They might suspect me if I become possessed and cause 'evil things' to happen:



Hey, I can't guarantee that I won't become demon possessed and start stabbing priests with golden crucifixes or drowning them in vats of holy water, can I?!

I mean, it is the Catholic church.

Think about it, in every single movie where there is demon possession, who is right there in the middle of it?

That's right!

Poor bastards.

6) Did I mention that the pope scares the shit out of me??



*shudders again*

:p

Vote for this post over at humor-blogs.com !!

The "Happy Birthday America!" Offensive

Despite the fact that there are many America hating bastards who are offended by this country and everything she stands for, I happen to love my country, and I'd just like to take a moment to say to them on this lovely 4th of July:


For the rest of you...

:)

I wonder if there are any America hating bastards over at humor-blogs.com!!

The "How to Self Torture One's Testicles" Offensive

Yeah, I know, the title of this post is rather offensive, but to be honest, so is the rest of the post so if you are one of those squeamish sissy types, then you may want to click over to this place instead.

For the rest of you, I am glad you aren't a sissy, because for the first time in The Offended Blogger's history I am taking you deep into the dark recesses of my Google Analytics keyword searches.



Yep, I decided that I shouldn't suffer the psychological damage alone when I have you, my #1 fan to suffer along with me!! ;)

Actually, most of them are rather mundane and naturally, variations of the word 'offend' bring in the most traffic:


George Carlin brings nearly as much:


Mike Holmes and midgets are quite popular, too:



Oh, and I do get a few keywords like these that really frigging creep me out, and make me wonder if I should contact the FBI or something:


But it's the really bizarre ones that jump out at me and make me wonder if I should laugh or cry or both:


I know!!

Funny thing is, that one came the day before Valentines.

Poor bastard!!

I just wonder if he found the answer to that on my blog, and if so... holy shit! How, erm, offensive of me to offer such advice and what was I smoking when I did it?!!

So yeeahhh.

There you have it.

A tiny glimpse into the offensive stats on my blog.

Between you and me, I think I may be better off not knowing what people are searching for on Google to get here!!

I mean, one of them could be YOU and that is just not right, dammit!

:p

The "The Meme That Offends Me" Offensive

You know, I've been tagged several times to do various memes, and no offense to my fellow bloggers who may enjoy these things, but they just annoy the hell out of me!

I mean, honestly, they are just not my style but since I know other bloggers who I love and admire seem to enjoy them, I decided to make a meme that IS my style!

Hooyah!!





Yep, and it is a self-styled interview with myself. I titled it:

"The Meme That Offends Me" by Chelle B.

1. Who is your all time favorite offender?

Definitely, hands down, Bugs Bunny!! He is the original equal opportunity offender. Here is a clip of some of my most favorite offenses that he committed:

2. What is your favorite offensive food or drink?

Well, I do so enjoy a cowboy cocksucker now and then:

Yummmm!

They go great with Rocky Mountain Oysters. ;)

3. Do you have a favorite offensive song?

Hmmm, let's see. The Dear Penis song by Rodney Carrington comes to mind. It always makes me lol:

4. Is there a particular type of person that offends you?

Yes!!!

Anyone who is shallow, phony and/or full of silicone, like these freaks:

5. Have you ever committed an illegal offense?

Uhhhh...

Heh. :)

6. What do you typically do when someone commits a serious offense against you?

Well, I am a very forgiving person, so it doesn't take long for me to get over it.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding?!!

It usually ends up like this:

Hooyah!!

So there you have it, my first meme, Offended Blogger style. I hope you enjoyed it. ;)

I am tagging Don and Lobo with this one, since they are two of my most favorite offenders over at humor-blogs.com!

Click over and pay them a visit!!

The "Naughty Schoolgirl Protests T-Shirt" Offensive

OK, I'm sure those of you who are of the penile persuasion probably felt an uncontrollable urge to click on this post because of the implied possibility of it leading to an arousing (yet possibly offensive to someone with an offending stick up their ass!) picture like this:



Sorry, but I assure you that this is not the case, and frankly, you should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking such a thing!! :p

Actually, here is an excerpt from yet another recent UK article entitled: Schoolgirl in Rude T-shirt protest.

A SCHOOLGIRL aged just seven took action after being offended by a T-shirt hanging outside a shop.

Seven-year-old Bernadette Davey, of Scarborough, contacted the council and police to ask for the "rude" T-shirt to be removed from outside the shop.

However, instead of taking offending article down the shop owner covered the area in question with a sign saying "lift me".

First of all, what the fuck is up with these easily offended Brits anyway? Secondly, everyone knows that placing a "lift me" sign on a piece of clothing is just asking for trouble!!

Also, the article didn't say exactly what was on the shirt that offended the little girl, so of course my own *ahem* perverted curiosity was piqued so, naturally, I promptly went about scouring the net for possible suspects.

I thought I had it narrowed down to one of the following offensive t-shirts:






But then I found these and knew it had to be one of them:


OK, it probably wasn't any of these, but between you and me, if I were that little girl, the one on the top left sure the hell would have offended me because in case you weren't aware, I happen to live in Idaho.

That's right, and it is the best place on earth, dammit!!

:p

Man, I hope they all washed their asses, just in case, over at humor-blogs.com!!