The "I'll Never Go Green Again!!" Offensive

Hey, no offense to all you eco-friendly do-gooders out there, but I give up! I will just never be as good as you are at this stuff.

Ugh.

Don't give me that look.

I really wanted to be eco-friendly, and believe me and it wasn't cheap when I went out and bought some of these for my secret eco-friendly greenhouse:


Yep, they were well worth the investment, too, because with all the money I made from the *ahem* increased productivity of my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse I built twelve more secret, eco-friendly greenhouses and upgraded to one of these:


That's right!!

And my eco-friendly humanitarian efforts didn't stop there, either!!

In fact, I wanted to help poor, out of state hunters with bad aim to not go home empty handed, so I graciously allowed them to pay me $1,000 per person to pose with all the dead geese that were hapless victims of my freakishly large, yet highly eco-friendly windmill:



Oh yeeah.

All of this eco-friendliness was really paying off for me for quite a long time, too, until I found out that those harbingers of eco-friendly light that they call compact fluorescent bulbs would work even better for my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse operation:


Oh, they worked great until I accidentally tripped on the way out of my secret greenhouse one day and broke that stupid #$%^ing burned out bulb you see up there in that picture.

Ugh.

Yep, and I knew that even in it's unbroken, burned out form it needed to be disposed of properly, like the hazardous non-eco friendly waste that it is, but once it was broken and leaking all of those deadly toxins all over the floor of my greenhouse...

Well...

I panicked!

You see, I had forgotten that the only Hazmat response team in my little Idaho town also happens to be Jesus and his cousin Pedro:


Yeahhh.

Oh, believe me, I WOULD have called them, but uh, well...

Let's just say that I told him that I stopped buying his sticky, imported "incense" from the taco truck because my glaucoma was cured, but really, I had just collected enough seeds and was growing my own.

I know.

He would have been sooooo pissed!!!!

Anyhoo... like I said, I panicked.

It is all a blur to me now, really, but I think I may or may not have jumped into my not-so-eco-friendly monster truck and I may or may not have knocked over one little telephone pole on the way out of town:


OK, that's not exactly the truth.

I may or may not have jumped in my truck and knocked over all of my secret greenhouses and my illegal windmill/goose hunting operation on the way out.

Wellllllll... and one of the flaming arms of my illegal windmill may or may not have landed three blocks over and may or may not have cut through the gas main and lit it on fire:



Hey, you don't have to lecture me!

I am fully aware that that sort of thing is not eco-friendly!! Believe me, that was the worst of it.

Then again, it may or may not have gotten much, much worse than that, now that I think about it.

OK, it did get worse.

Ugh.

Hey, how the hell was I supposed to know that one little severed gas main MAY or may not set off a chain reaction that may or may not have made Yellowstone erupt spontaneously:


I'm no frigging geologist!

My neighbors are always pissed at me anyway, so screw them if they can't appreciate my failed humanitarian and eco-friendly efforts.

:(

Hey, at least I survived it all, along with my monster truck, a pocket full of sticky "incense" seeds and my favorite eco-friendly restaurant:



Yeah, I do miss Jesus and his tacos, but it's all good.

Eventually another guy named Jesus will immigrate up here with his taco truck, and then I'll sell him MY sticky, homegrown "incense".

:)

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