The "Eat My Meat!!" Offensive

So no offense to all of you sissy bastard boys and girls who live in the city and would rather eat that red dye and hormone injected, steroid infested, doesn't-wash-after-going-#2 undocumented, overpaid, slaughter-house-slave infected grocery store "meat", but by this time tomorrow, I, Chelle B., will be deep in the thick woods of North Eastern Idaho doing this:


Well, except I'll have on camo and will be hiding out high up in my tree stand, covered in deer urine.

That's right, I DO hunt my own meat with my badass Bowtech compound bow, and let me tell you, I am a damn good shot.

Don't give me that look, YES, hunting is STILL legal, and NO hunting is NOT all that evil.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., please, just don't tell me you that are a... a.... Bambi killer!!".


Yes. I. Am.

Well, technically, by law I can only kill Bambi's parents, but still.

Look, I can't help it that Bambi's daddy and mommy are mighty tasty!! Especially when they are slow roasted over an open flame with some home made, secret ingredient wild game seasoning rubbed all over it.

Yummmm...

.... and Hooyah!!

Heh.

Between you and me, Bambi is pretty damn tasty, too, but don't tell the Idaho Fish and Wildlife I said that!!

Believe me, all meat tastes much better when you know that your very own 100 grain broadhead pierced the heart and/or lung of your prey, and that your own hands stripped away it's flea bitten fur and you yourself ripped out its guts and...

...hmmm, OK so that part kinda turns my stomach too, but hey, I don't mind shooting them. As far as the skinning and gutting part, well, that's what men are for which is why I am lucky to have a few of them with me when I hunt!

Yep, unlike all those other pansy ass states (one of which you probably live in!), men here in Idaho still enjoy gutting and skinning the local fauna for us womenfolk.

Some of them REALLY enjoy it, if you know what I mean:



Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh.

But hey, I don't judge anyone, it is a long standing male tradition here to have a bit of a deer fetish.

It is ingrained in our lifestyle here, much like harassing tourists, riding bulls, growing potatoes and diddling sheep!!

Er, I mean, picking wildflowers.

Yeah, they still do that for us womenfolk!

Anyhoo, don't be jealous and don't go all PETA on me while I'm gone. Oh, and don't worry, I'll even save a big fat steak just for you:



;)

Chelle B.

The "Caption This VERY Naughty Wordless Wednesday" Offensive

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The "My 1st Guest Offender!!" Offensive

That's right, to celebrate my 214th post here, I have invited Crotchety Old Man to do my very first Guest Offender post.

He recently mentioned over on the humor bloggers forum that he has a variety of offensive smilies and emoticons that, (and I quote), "They are pretty offensive, with absolutely no redeeming social values."

Well! Where better to showcase them than here, right?!

Right.

Hooyah!!

So I proudly present to you... my 1st guest blogger with his special offensive smiley story:

Smilies are the hardest working dudes in the online messaging business. We use them every day, yet few of us know of their lives outside of work. Here’s a chance to get to know one just a little bit better.
Meet Bob.

Most smilies are named Bob or Dave.

Usually, Bob just relaxes at home on his days off

but this time, Bob decided to hang with his pal, Dave.

The first thing they did was head over to the Dew Drop Inn to quaff a few adult beverages.


They met a few young ladies,

But Bob and Dave, weren’t the smoothest operators around, so they headed off to a Canadian donkey show.



By now, Bob was and Dave was also a bit



Well, one thing led to another, and suddenly Dave

Well, Bob was buthe didn’t leave.

So Dave suggested they wrestle, as guys are wont to do.
Bob was quickly pinned, when Dave decided to kick it up a notch and Bob.

After a few more homo-erotic buddy antics , the boys headed back to the bar.

And there she was, the smilie woman of his dreams.

Bob felt this was meant to be. He introduced himself, and she whispered her name, Sally.

She went back home with him.
It quickly became obvious to Sally that Bob knew little of the ways of love.


However, she was a willing teacher,

and Bob was a student who wanted to learn.



And he learned quickly.
She wore him out.
After a quick snack Sally said she wanted to take Bob to a special place. Bob would follow her anywhere because .

She asked him to put on his brown shirt and take her to an abandoned bowling alley on the outskirts of town.

There they met many friends, who all looked similar and familiar, but he could not place them.

All his new friends said it was time to get dressed for the ceremony.

Bob wasn’t dressed for but they said it was ok.

They had extra robes for him. Bob was happy.

He helped his new friends get dressed.

They then went to the ceremony.


It didn’t end how he expected.

Bob’s big day off ended with a bang.



Nah, that’s a sad way to end this tale.

He went to watch the Olympics.

The ones for extra special athletes.

THE END!!

OK, everyone... GIVE IT UP FOR CROTCHETY!!!

No offense, but this may be my best post ever. ;)

The "Come and Get It Sex Offenders!" Offensive

Soooo you know how women all seem overly paranoid and obsessed about the local sex offenders in their area?

Yeah, I don't get it either.

I mean, what exactly is the problem??

Hey, I know when I bought my house, my first priority was finding out whether or not there were going to be enough sex offenders within close proximity to me.

Hey, don't give me that look, I'm serious! I mean, it technically isn't cheating on Jesus or my hubby if I am the wink-wink "victim", right?

Right!

Honestly, you tell me, why is that people always ignorantly assume that all sex offenders look like this anyway:

Or this...



Or even worse, like this...



I know for a fact that it just isn't the case 99% of the time!

OK, fine, maybe in places like Indiana and Ohio that's what they look like, but here in Idaho, we are lucky to have the cream of the crop with our uber sexy, incredibly handsome sex offenders!

I mean, just take a look at MY local brutes...

...oh, and please, try not to be jealous or drool all over my blog, dammit:

I know!!

I told you!!!

OK, so they don't look so hot in their sex offender registry database pics, but hey, I give them the benefit of the doubt.

Yep, I just know that they really look like this:




Hooyah!!

..............
.....................
.............................

Oh!

Sorry, heh.

I was drooling there for a moment.

Anyhoo, you'll have to excuse me now while I go remove all of the dead bolts from my doors and take the windows completely out.

Oh, and I also need one of these signs for my front yard:


Hmmmm.... I hope it's the kilt guy who comes first to OFFEND me.

I am such a sucker for men in kilts. (Just ask Don Lewis!)

Hooyah again!!

:p

Because I am already bordering on whoremongering, I may as well entice you further to visit Humor Bloggers dot com - it's where we pimp out the funny bloggers! ;)

The "Caption This Wordless Wednesday Squirrel" Offensive

?????

The "Clown Porn" Offensive

Soooo the other day as I was minding my own business, casually perusing Google images with my strict filtering disabled, I was not only disappointed to not find what I set out for, but my innocence was completely torn away from me and my psyche was irrevocably damaged as I was introduced, against my will, mind you, to the rather offensive and seedy underworld of clown porn!

I know!

It was disturbing!!

I mean, all I wanted was to see pictures of the Joker naked:


Don't look at me like that, I can't help it if I am drawn to psychopathic, scar faced, evil villains with ugly shoes and fancy, colorful socks!

That really isn't the point, though.

As I said, I am now damaged goods and no amount of therapy will ever reverse the catastrophic impact that clown porn had on me.

In fact, I am thinking of calling my Jewish lawyer to sue those Google bastards on my behalf. I may even take it to Judge Judy, she would totally rip them up one side and down the other!

I mean, how dare they make such filth available for the likes of me to spend twelve hours a day looking at.

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., clown porn isn't that bad, is it? It sounds rather fun if you ask me!".

Oh, believe me, you do NOT want to Google it without your strict filtering on, there are some pretty freaky people in the clown porn world, with some even freakier fetishes!

Such as fat ugly man clown bondage fetishes...


...and rubber chicken fetishes....


....and hairy underarm fetishes...


...and gay punk rock clown fetishes:


...and old lady clowns with phallic balloons fetishes:

...and good God I don't even want to know what she is eating because it reminds me of that whole two girls and one cup fetish fetishes:


...and the worst one of all...


...stealing candy from little kids fetishes!

Honestly, I could have went through the rest of my life perfectly happy never knowing such debauchery exists, but alas, it is too late and my Jewish lawyer will now have ample opportunity to finally sue those Google bastards for destroying my innocence.

When I get my settlement money, I am opening a rehab center for former clown porn stars and clown fetish addicts.

Well, or I might buy a new bikini, bigger tires for my monster truck and hit Vegas.

Hooyah!!!

:)

The "We Chinese, We Play Joke..." Offensive

First it was the inquisition, then the influenza, and now... this??

BEIJING - Pau Gasol has apologized, saying the Spanish basketball team never meant to offend anyone. Point guard Jose Manuel Calderon wrote on his blog that the gesture, fingers pressed against their eyes, was meant as an "affectionate" message for the Chinese people.

Lucky for those Spaniards that the Chinese are forgiving, because between you and me, they could easily kick the crap out of Spain.

Although...

...they might not be as ready to play nice when they see what our boys did:


Admit it, it would be fun to see us decimate the Chinese army!

Hooyah!!

:p

P.S. My fellow humor blogger, Static, wrote a very funny post about this at his kraptastic blog, Krapsody.

(Now if everyone else would just write an offensive post for me to pimp out while I am busy over at the new and improved and highly successful Humor Bloggers dot com! Hooyah!!)

The "Dude, That's My Ear!" Offensive

Ok, honestly, I love nothing more than to see a couple of men using the talents that God gave them to beat the living shit out of one another.

As long as it's for good reason, of course, like fighting for the throne in the White House:



Hey, don't look at me like that.

It is perfectly normal for me as a woman to like to watch men fight!! I mean, who can't appreciate the art and beauty and skill of some good old fashioned bare-fisted pummeling??

Heh.

When I was younger and unmarried, I used to encourage guys to fight! Yep, I'd offer to sleep with the winner, and believe me, fists start flying pretty damn quickly when free sex with a blond is the prize.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, not all men are skilled at fighting and that's alright, but it's when things like this happen that I seriously begin to question the mental stability of all of mankind, though:

OGDEN, Utah (AP) — Two Ogden neighbors got into a fight after a minor league baseball game that ended with one them biting off a part of the other's ear. The two men had returned home from the Ogden Raptors baseball game late Wednesday when police said one man apparently offended the other with a comment.

Yeeeeah.

Hmmm, I wonder if ear tastes like chicken??

:p

The "Today is the Day!!" Offensive

Well, I don't know what gets you motivated in the morning, but I usually start my day off by yelling at the kids, beating the dog and slamming a few tequila shooters before I check the news to see how many people were offended in the last 24 hours, and hey, believe me, I am never disappointed!

Not a day goes by that someone, some where in some way isn't offended.

Ugh!

In fact, right now, there are offenses happening all around the world that normally I would find quite entertaining and even perhaps useful for blog fodder.

For example, according to Google news, there were 4,191 offenses just in the last 24 hours:

I know!! I could totally use any one of those for a great post today, but I won't because for one thing, I am way too frigging tired to even type a coherent sentence, and for another....


...MY WAY AWESOME WEBSITE THAT I HAVE BEEN SLAVING OVER for weeks and months and years is officially launching today.

That's right, today.

Hooyah!!

Right now, hundreds of thousands of humor bloggers are synchronizing their blog posts to help me introduce Humor Bloggers dot com to the world, and for that I am eternally grateful! In return, they get exclusive membership privileges, and soon they will be rewarded with millions of humor blog groupies flocking to their own websites.

Yep, so hurry up and go check it out!


Oh, and hey, don't be jealous!

I can't help it if I am an evil genius who will someday be too rich and powerful to be seen eating at the taco truck with the likes of you!!

:p

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Also, I am happy to announce another awesome project that I am involved with, headed up by Jason over at Gorilla Sushi. It's something you can get involved in as well, here are the details:


Today is the first day of The AdSpace Contest and I'm proud to announce that I am one of 10 co-hosts.



The idea is simple and easy: Get as many entries as you can (very easy to do) over the next 30 days. The more entries you get, the better chance you have of winning! At the end of the 30 days, we'll announce the winner.



The prize?

A 125x125 pixel ad spot (above the fold) on at least TEN DIFFERENT BLOGS that will run for one month. That's at least a $100 value!



Who else is co-hosting?

• Geek Mom Mashup


• Vrtualme


• Jamaipanese


• Best of Stupid


• AxioBlog


• The Big Bald Blog


• Jason Boom


• Unconventional Marketing Blog


• Offended Blogger


• GorillaSushi

How do you enter to win?

1 Entry - Subscribe to any one of the blogs above via email.

10 Entries - Write a post about the contest (must include links to all 10 hosts OR use our suggested text)

25 Entries - Offer up an ad spot on your own blog for one month as part of the prize package (links will be listed above)



Simply put, you could subscribe to all 10 blogs, write a post and offer up your own ad spot for a grand total of 45 entries! Be sure to tell us in the comments below when and how you've entered to ensure that your entries get counted.



Good Luck!

The "Caption This Shexy Wordless Wednesday!" Offensive

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Go see all of my funny friends over at:

The "You Protesteth Too Much!" Offensive

OK, so no offense, but I really don't have time to be posting an Offensive here, I mean I AM trying to build an awesome new website and everything, remember?!

Hey, don't get all offended, dammit! It's not that I don't want to post here, because you know I love nothing more than to offend you, my #1 fan.

Wellllll, and between you and me, I also enjoy offending myself once in awhile, too. In fact if I don't get a good offending at least once a month, I get a little bitchy!

OK, fine, I admit it, I take time to offend myself at least once a week day hour, which is why I am soooooo nice and happy and content and non-bitchy all the time!!

Don't give me that look, I am too somewhat nice and happy and content and non-bitchy all the time, plus, it is perfectly natural to offend oneself! I bet you offend yourself on a regular basis, too.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, I got to thinking today as I was contemplating protesting outside the Microsoft headquarters, holding this sign:



Seriously, I wanted to take my little sign and at least yell some of my favorite expletives at the Geek Squad dudes down at my local Best Buy, just to make myself feel better and make SOMEONE pay for all the pain and frustration they caused me by making me cry several times today while trying to fix bugs with Internet Explorer on my awesome new website !!!

UGH!!

So, anyhoo, I was thinking about protesting, and it struck me....

...what if people said what they really thought when they were protesting? You know, instead of being total lemmings who say and do and follow whatever leader it is that they think makes them part of the 'in-crowd'?

I know, I hate those people too!

I am sooo not a lemming:



I mean, why not just do your own thing and say what you really think, regardless of whomever it may offend?!

Heh.

It certainly works for me!

Here are a few examples of me imagining other people being more like me.

Like for instance this guy:



Ohhh yeeeeaaahhhhh.

Hey, they should be proud!!

I know I'd brag about it if I were black and well endowed. ;)

Or...




Oh come on, we all know the rumors are true... but who cares?!

It does taste rummy!!

Or how about this kid who was forced into attending a pro-gay rally...



Ha!

No comment there.

OK, I take that back. I do have one: how many little boys ARE being raised by two man-hating bitches who would love nothing more than to castrate every single male who happens to have a penis, large or small, on the face of the earth?!

Ugh!!!

That really pisses me off, being a fan of men with penises and all.

Moving right along...


Obviously, there are too many of those among us!

Believe me, I live in inbreeder hell what with all these Mormons around me.

Oooh, and here is one of my favorites...

Bwahahaha, you know that happens ALL THE TIME, so why don't these so-called holier than thouists just be honest about it?!

Frigging hypocrites.

Oh, and how about this one:


Hehe, that's actually my friend Pedro, he's Jesus' brother. He fills in when Jesus is sick, or hung over, or busy with me during one of our all-night confession sessions, or making a run down to Mexico to pick up some more of that sticky imported "incense" he sells out of the taco truck!!

Hooyah again!!

Hmmm, that reminds me, I am almost out of "incense" and now I am seriously craving a taco.... and I do believe I have sinned and need to confess to Jesus and beg for his... well you know, so I better hurry over there.

Hey, don't give me that look!

:p

The "Holy Expletive!" Offensive

So if you hang around me in real life, or read my blog for more than five minutes, you know that I have quite an extensive vocabulary of offensive expletives that I enjoy employing every now and then, and my all time favorite, hands down, happens to be "HOLY F*CK!!".

I know, it IS special, isn't it!!

Hey, and believe me, it comes in handy in a wide variety of circumstances, too!

For instance, earlier today I used it when I was out looking for tourists to harass and got stuck behind this instead:


I know!!

F*cking elephants, they are always slowing down traffic here in Idaho. OK, it was really a moose, but still. Seriously, the bastard would NOT let me pass him, he just kept weaving back and forth into both lanes, going like .37 miles an hour!

Ugh.

Now, don't ask me why, but for some odd reason, after I yelled, "HOLY F*CK! GET YOUR BIG ASS OFF THE ROAD, BULLWINKLE!!" at him, instead of wondering if it would do too much damage to my truck to move his big ass off the road, and whether the forest service cop behind me would find that sort of illegal offense less than amusing, I began to wonder about the deeper meaning behind my favorite double four letter expletive.

Yep, I started thinking, is there really such a thing as a 'holy f*ck', and if so, is it better than a normal one and either way.... how does one even know if it qualifies as holy or not?

Hey, I'm serious!

I mean, does the church have to ordain it?

Does an angelic choir sing praises in heaven before God's throne when you climax?

Does one walk away from it with stigmata on their unclean parts??

If so, isn't that like a holy f*cking STD?? If so, holy f*ck!! I certainly don't want that!!

Hmmmm.... maybe you have to wear sacred underwear and belong to a certain unnamed cult in order for it to truly be holy:

If that's the case, then it totally explains why all these Mormons around here have so many kids!!

Between you and me, now that I mention it, it is kind of creepy to think that there is so much holy Mormon f*cking going on in every direction around me here in this Mormon hell I like to call paradise.

It almost makes me not want to ever have se...

...heh, nevermind, that's just crazy talk!!

Anyhoo, I once blogged about a church that alluded to holy f*cking in order to guilt their flock into putting on some clothes and putting away the double pronged helper:

Now I don't know about you, but things like that are exactly why I only worship at my local taco truck nowadays. I mean, at least Jesus gives me something tasty in return for my hard earned tithings, and I don't just mean the tacos, either.

Hey don't look at me like that, what I meant is he also makes a mean carne asada burrito!

Hooyah!!

and...

Yummm!!

Anyhoo, I guess I will just have to ask him his opinion on this holy f*cking business, I mean, of all people Jesus should know the answer, right?

Right.

If not, I might have to resort to asking this guy who I found online, because he claims to be a world renown expert on holy f*cking. I guess he thinks he is the high priestess of holy f*cking or something:

I know..

...you don't have to say it, I am happy to oblige:

HOLY SH*T!!

Some people are just f*cking weird.

:/

The "Calling Doctor Feel Good" Offensive

Soooo, you know how when you are writing code from scratch for a cool new website you are building for yourself and your fellow humor blogger buddies and you get all stressed out because (a) you ran out of your cocktail of anti-psychotic meds three days ago so the whole time you are trying to learn how to write computer code, you are simultaneously hearing voices and entertaining thoughts about committing unspeakable and highly illegal offenses against various people and things, and (b) you really have no frigging clue how to write computer code to begin with and have no business doing so?

Yeah, well, that was my day today.

Oh, it's OK, I am all better now, I was able to work it out and everything, and the new website is humming along, but boy, between you and me, I came close to really losing it at one point!

Seriously, before the first hour was up, my brain hurt, my eyeballs were bleeding and I was tempted to call my doctor and just ask him to write me a prescription for this instead of my usual cocktail of anti-psychotic meds:


I know!!

I really want to try some of that, too, because frankly, my cocktail of anti-psychotics aren't really doing the trick anymore. I mean, the voices are only a bit quieter when I am taking them, and I still have urges to commit various offenses... albeit not as heinous of ones... so I guess that's good, right?

Right.

Anyhoo, I am proud to say that instead of calling my doctor, I rode it out, and...

....well, in retrospect I should have went with my instincts and got a script for Fukitol because by the third hour, I was like this:

Welllll, except I was screaming expletives and I had on way less clothes.

Oh, and I was sitting on my comfy couch with a wireless keyboard and my 60" plasma screen TV as my monitor.

And I was drinking a margarita and eating taco truck tacos with extra, extra jalepenos.

Hooyah!!

But still, I was pretty damned frustrated, nonetheless!!

I was determined to do it, though, because in the back of my mind I could hear my asshole brother taunting me with his whole, "you aren't good enough, Chelle!" crap that he has spewed at me since I was in vitro.

Of course, it doesn't help that he was one of those frigging genius level super computer programmers before he snapped and massacred all of his coworkers and bosses....




....so I just knew he would never let me live down something so elementary as parsing and sorting multiple RSS feeds from my own server... using something as simple as PHP!!

Ugh.

Lucky for me that I learned from his mistakes, though, I mean, sure, I could have easily followed in his footsteps and snapped by that fourth hour today and, alright, I admit it, it would have felt pretty damned good to have massacred all of the people, cats, dogs, goats and horses in my neighborhood... but instead I chose to do the right thing.

Yep, I put down the mouse and grabbed my trusty Spongebob Ruger and headed out to my favorite spot to relax awhile:


Unfortunately, since I am off my meds, shooting at prairie dogs and coyotes and illegal migrant farm workers didn't really do the trick for me, sooooo I may or may not have accidentally pulled out my Strawberry Shortcake RPG launcher and lobbed a couple grenades at my annoying neighbor on the way home, just to relieve my pent up frustration.

OK, I did lob a couple of grenades at the bastard:


Meh.

He needed a new car anyway.

Plus, even if he didn't, it was totally worth it because that really helped relieve my stress and I was able to get right back to work, coding the RSS feed for my awesome new website!

OK, that's not entirely true.

I actually had to go to the library and finish doing it because I accidentally lobbed a couple of grenades through the window of my house and blew up my own computer before I could get back to it:


Fine, it was no accident either but don't tell the insurance guy that!

Hey, if I play my cards right, I'll be able to get a new computer, an even BIGGER plasma TV, some better tequila for my margaritas and enough cash out of this deal just to hire a computer programmer to do my website for me!!

Oh, alright, I know what you're thinking, I'll go call my frigging doctor and get back on my meds.

Ugh!!

:p

The "Something Old, Something New, Why Does This Gift Smell Like..." Offensive

Soooo I was invited to a wedding recently and um, no offense, but aren't you a bit put off by engaged couples who run out and sign up for every frigging bridal registry out there after they invite you to their wedding? I mean, really, isn't it a bit rude to presume that I even want to buy them a gift to begin with, let alone something they've already picked out?!

Ugh.

It really annoys the hell out of me.

In fact, I've had friends and relatives who have asked for some pretty extravagant things over the years:

I know!!

Just who the hell do they think they are to ask me to go to Neiman Marcus and buy them fine linens or kitchen appliances or crystal vases or his and her Rolex watches?!!

I mean if I am buying anyone fine linens or kitchen appliances or crystal vases or his and her Rolex watches, it would be, well, for me, dammit!

To be honest, I really think that anyone who invites me to their wedding from now on should be offering me a gift as an incentive to even go.

Seriously!! There should be some sort of registry for me to sign up for guest gifts, then I can make the engaged couple feel obligated to buy me stuff that I want.

Like a new Hello Kitty AR-15!


OR.. an 18 piece Hello Kitty interior set with seat covers, a steering wheel cover and tons of other cool stuff for my bad ass monster truck:


Hooyah!!

Now if I could expect to get those, that would make me want to go to more weddings! I'd be totally styling, too, rolling up in my pimped out monster truck, with my Hello Kitty AR-15 on the gun rack in the back window.

Hooyah again!!

Anyhoo... where was I?

Oh yeah, I just frigging hate weddings!!!!!!!!

Ugh.

The last time I was invited to a friend's wedding, I was really, REALLY tempted to buy the groom an extra "special" gift:

What?

Don't look at me like that.

Deep down she had to have known he was gay and was only after her money!!

In retrospect, what I should have bought was this as a gift for her:


But noooo, like a fool, I ended up spending $300 on a set of fine linens that that bastard probably took with him when he ran off with the real life version of Rock Hard Julian six months later.

I hope they know they are dry clean only, dammit.

Ugh.

So, anyway, in case I haven't mentioned it yet, I really don't want to go to another wedding, and I was thinking.... maybe if I bring an offensive gift to this next one, word will get out and nobody will invite me to their weddings anymore!

Yeahhhh, instead of hitting Macy's or wherever, maybe I will just go shopping out in the neighbor's pasture and gift wrap this for them:


Hey, I could even get two of them and have them monogrammed to say His and Hers or something!!

:p

The "Caption This Wordless Wednesday" Offensive

???

Hey! Your votes are reversing the effects of global warming over at humor-blogs.com - no pressure or anything! :)

The "My Name is Hurl" Offensive

So no offense to all of you pansy-ass sissy boys and girls who can't hold your liquor, but I am proud to announce that despite consuming inordinate quantities of the hard stuff while camping out at the rodeo all weekend, I, Chelle B., did not do this:



Hooyah!!

In fact, I will have you know that I never, not even once, even came close to thinking about hurling all weekend, even after seeing everyone else around me hurl.

Oh, OK, so that's not exactly true.

I actually came close that one time, but that was only because I accidentally stumbled my drunken ass up onto the steps of the wrong camper and the owners were having their own little "bareback rodeo" inside and the rather intense rocking motion nearly made me hurl!

But it didn't and of course, as soon as they were done, they staggered outside and hurled, like everyone else.

I mean, even the frigging horses were hurling!!



Yeeeahhh.

I know.

As if we need to give those PETA bastards yet another reason to want to shut down rodeoing!

Ugh.

Don't they realize that it is hardly animal abuse if we bbq the injured bulls and horses immediately after the rodeo is over?!

Anyhoo, I was a bit surprised because some of the cowboys I saw hurling were guys who I had always kinda thought of as being invincible.

Hey, let's see YOU do that shit!

I mean, excuse my language, but I've seen these guys ride some monumentally scary bulls and broncs, and these are some very tough, bad ass mother f*ckers, but apparently I am a bigger bad ass mother f*cker than they are, because it sure the hell wasn't me who was staggering around, mumbling about how I wanted my mommy to take me home and tuck me in!

Heh.

At one point, I saw this one bad ass mother f*cker bull rider actually hurling into the hat of his best friend who had asked him to hold it while he himself hurled onto his own boots, and well, let me just say that I now know that hurling into your best friend's hat can kill a friendship and cause potentially permanent facial disfiguration quicker than having an 8 second bareback ride with said best friend's wife!

In fact, I think that hurling into your best friend's hat is the only unforgivable sin that one cowboy can commit against another!

Oh, and it got worse, believe me.

I thought poor Sam the rodeo clown was seriously going to get strung up at dawn with a piece of rusty barbed wire and then unceremoniously buried under the grandstands before the weekend was over:


Oh, believe me, despite their harmless look, those rodeo clowns are also bad ass mother f*ckers, especially when they have been hurled upon by one of their own!

But you know, despite all of the hurling and facial disfiguring and hat destroying and threats of attempted homicide happening all around me, I really had such a great time.

Man, I just frigging can't help but love rodeos!!

I did find myself feeling quite sorry for everyone who wasn't able to contain their urge to hurl, though.

I mean, it really wasn't their fault.

I don't know about rodeos where you live, but here in Idaho we tend to have certain sponsors who
are always involved with the local rodeos, and welllllll, I can't help but think that they are somewhat responsible for all of the hurling that goes on:



Wellllll, maybe they aren't the only ones to blame.

OK, so I may or may not have snuck around and poured syrup of ipecac into everyone's drinks while they weren't looking just to make them hurl.

Hey, don't look at me like that! What, a girl can't have a little fun and make herself feel like a badass in the meantime?!

Hey, it's not like anyone had to go to the hospital or anything.

Wellllll, there was that one guy, but believe me, I had NOTHING to do with putting him in intensive care.


In fact, despite rooting for the horse, I almost felt sorry for that poor bastard.

I mean, I don't think any man really deserves to have his balls stomped by a crazed, 1200 pound bronc, do you?!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., that cowboy got his balls stomped and you cheered the horse on? What the hell is wrong with you?!".

Look, it was quite lucky for me that he did get his balls stomped and that paramedics had to rush him off to intensive care because between you and me, he was the only cowboy there who wasn't drinking and had he stayed, he might have been the only other one who didn't hurl and...

...well, dammit, I wouldn't have these bragging rights that I earned!!

Oh, fine, I'll send him a bouquet of flowers and a Hallmark card:



:p

Click the humor-blogs smiley face below to vote for this bad ass mother f*cker who can hold her liquor!!

The "Idaho's 1st Gay Trapeze Sex Club" Offensive

Yeah so I have decided that Idaho needs a good, old fashioned trapeze sex club! That's right, it just isn't fair that Florida gets all the fun stuff:

Group sex is not illegal, and the state failed to show that a Fort Lauderdale swingers' club operated with intent to offend, a Broward judge said Wednesday in dismissing lewdness charges against the club's co-owner, Dennis Freeland.

So like I said, I am opening Idaho's first Trapeze sex club, and let me tell you, it will.be.awesome.

Of course I do have a fear of heights and a weak stomach....

...and I am a bit of a germaphobe, so everyone would have to be deloused and decontaminated before I could get down and dirty with them...

...and although I can appreciate a nice rack, I am not really into women, so no lesbian action for me. ...

I mean if this chick shows up, she is going to be sorely disappointed:



...and of course my hubby said I am not allowed to let in any men who aren't gay, so there will only be guys like this in my new awesome Idaho trapeze sex club:

...hmmm, maybe this isn't such a great idea after all.

You know, maybe I'll just open an all-you can eat taco buffet instead, we definitely need more places to get tacos here in Idaho!

:p

My god, do I have to beg for votes over at humor-blogs.com? Is that where we are at in this relationship?!