So while I try to figure out who the Judas, aka offending party, was that turned that jalepeno scented, sticky "incense" dealing, taco truck driving, 99.9% chance-that-he's-the-real-father of my bastard son over to the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Immigration Department, I present you with this commemorative "Caption This" to pass the time.

It is of Jesus (not MY Jesus, mind you, but the other one) and that bastard Judas. (You don't want to know what I think they are thinking hehe):



Have fun and wish me luck!

Chelle B.

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So, ummm, I am really trying not to panic here, but this morning... when I went down to pick up my breakfast.... like I do every morning... instead of seeing the familiar site of my beloved red and white taco truck glistening in the morning dew with smiling school children all lined up in front of it, pooling their pennies and dimes and wrinkled up dollar bills that are supposed to be used for lunch money together to buy some of that sticky, imported "incense" that Jesus sells, this is what I found in it's place:


I know!!

Now, you tell me, WHERE THE F*CK IS JESUS, WHO THE F*CK IS RAMIS, WHAT THE F*CK IS A FALAFEL AND WHY THE F*CK DOESN'T RAMIS OPEN FOR BREAKFAST???

UGH!!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., yelling at me, your #1 fan, is NOT going to bring Jesus back, and I don't know what the f*ck a falafel is or why the f*ck Ramis doesn't serve breakfast, did you stop to think that maybe it is against his religion? Now shut the f*ck up and get ahold of yourself!!".

Uh.

Wow.

That was a bit, well, offensive don't you think??

Don't make me get my Spongebob Ruger out.

Look, I have a right to be upset! I mean, Jesus said he would always be there for me and apparently he lied because as you can see, he is not here which means that he has probably been deported, which means no more tacos, or extra jalepenos, or sticky "incense", or all night confession sessions that he encourages me to have with him, especially when I am pissed off at my hubby for being so mean to me, which happens quite often, especially when I threaten that if he doesn't do whatever I want I am going to to run off with Jesus for the night and between you and me, I only say it just to piss him off just so I can, well... run off with Jesus for the night!

Hooyah!!

Hey, don't look at me like that, the OTHER Jesus said we aren't supposed to judge anyone, right?!!

Right.

Anyhoo, I hate to say it, but between you and me, it looks like Jesus has, for lack of a better word, forsaken me!

Yeah. Not to mention at least one of my children, who may or may not be his:


I know!! Poor little bastard.

Heh. Lucky for him I keep forgetting to pick them all up from school, because it saves him from feeling abandoned! OK, more abandoned.

But hey, who cares about them anyway?! I'M the one who is suffering and I'M the one who is feeling quite abandoned right now.

And, I'M pretty sure I fed the children the last time I saw them, so I'M probably the only one who didn't get any breakfast this morning!!!

:(

Aww, thanks, I feel sorry for me, too!

You know, I'll never forget the last words Jesus said to me:


OK, so they weren't to me, they were about me, but still.

Deep down I know how he feels and wherever he is right now, I bet he is missing me as much as I miss his tacos with extra, extra jalepenos and all that other stuff!!

Hmmmm, I just wonder who the hell it was that turned him in to begin with?!

I mean, those neo-fascist, IRS funded, green uniformed agents of the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Immigration Department don't usually just go knocking on taco truck windows in the wee hours of the morning looking to deport innocent, undocumented "incense" dealers who have my name tattooed on their head and smell of jalepenos without having been tipped off by someone with a vendetta.

Oh, believe me, I am going to do whatever it takes to find out just who it was that Jesus pissed off so I can help get him and his taco truck back where he belongs!

Right after I go back down and see what time Ramis opens for lunch!

Hey, I wonder if his Falafels come with extra, extra jalepenos....

:)

Chelle B.

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You know, no offense to all of you white people, but while I was out there deep in the forest, armed with little more than my bow and arrows, my trusty can of bear/serial killer deterrent spray, feeling like a bad ass warrior chick, I had what we Natives like to call a vision.

Well technically it was after the peyote kicked in that I began to hallucinate, but that counts as a vision in my culture!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., you can't fool me! You are whiter than a sack of white rice in a snowstorm!".

Hey now, that borders on hate speech. Don't make me call my ACLU certified Jewish lawyer on you, dammit!!

First of all, I may be blond haired and blue eyed and look like a Nazi's wet dream, but in reality I am a Cherokee Indian and secondly, I have quite a sunburn at the moment, thank you very much.

I mean, if you don't believe me that I am not white, just look at this recent picture of my dad, whose real name just happens to be "Little Red Wood Pecker".

We call him Little Red Pecker for short:


See!

I told you!!

Yep, my maternal grandfather was full blooded Cherokee and my paternal grandmother was full blooded Cherokee so that makes me.... well, possibly inbred and at least enough of an Injun that I know why it is that when I drink whiskey I want to kick everyone's ass!

And why I have a hatchet fetish.

And why I want to run naked through the forest with my bow and arrows after smoking peyote while out hunting.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, I am even possibly enough of an Injun that I could defect from America, register at the local reservation, get some reparation money, build myself a teepee, take up gambling and maybe, just maybe, even set myself up in a lucrative business selling illegal fireworks to... well, to white people like me!


Now that, my friend, would be a frigging dream life, would it not?

But nooo, instead, I am left to live out here in god-forsaken white America, where I am forced to rely upon the kindness of my true brethren to deliver illegal fireworks and peyote to me every couple of weeks:



But, you know, if I ever really found the nerve to claim my real heritage, I'd also have to accept that sad reality that my illegal firework and peyote dealing people are to blame for a lot of injustices that happened in the not so distant past.

Things that white people take the blame for to this day.

Don't give me that look, it's true!

In fact, if you really want to get technical, my people are the ones who should be paying reparations to the black people, among others, right now:



That's right.

If my people wouldn't have been so damn stubborn and just given up early on, they'd have survived and been enslaved, instead of the poor Chinese and Irishmen and Gypsies and...


Personally, I think they knew exactly what they were doing. They wanted us white people to take the rap. My people are very cunning, you know!!

But, if the truth is ever revealed, and I ever did claim my place on the local rez, we both know that I would be forced to give Haji from India or Tyrese from Compton or Chow Ling from Boise my illegal fireworks business, and that would really frigging piss me off!!!

So maybe I am just better off being white after all.

At least I can still smoke peyote and run naked through the forest with my bow and arrows and pretend I am a bad ass Cherokee warrior chick, right?

Right!

:p

Chelle B.

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Hey! A fellow humor blogger needs your help!!

Don't make poor ettarose suffer with a Feedburner readership of -6! Click over and visit her and while you are there, be sure you subscribe to her funny blog - after all, an RSS feed is a terrible thing to waste...

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So no offense to all of you sissy bastard boys and girls who live in the city and would rather eat that red dye and hormone injected, steroid infested, doesn't-wash-after-going-#2 undocumented, overpaid, slaughter-house-slave infected grocery store "meat", but by this time tomorrow, I, Chelle B., will be deep in the thick woods of North Eastern Idaho doing this:


Well, except I'll have on camo and will be hiding out high up in my tree stand, covered in deer urine.

That's right, I DO hunt my own meat with my badass Bowtech compound bow, and let me tell you, I am a damn good shot.

Don't give me that look, YES, hunting is STILL legal, and NO hunting is NOT all that evil.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., please, just don't tell me you that are a... a.... Bambi killer!!".


Yes. I. Am.

Well, technically, by law I can only kill Bambi's parents, but still.

Look, I can't help it that Bambi's daddy and mommy are mighty tasty!! Especially when they are slow roasted over an open flame with some home made, secret ingredient wild game seasoning rubbed all over it.

Yummmm...

.... and Hooyah!!

Heh.

Between you and me, Bambi is pretty damn tasty, too, but don't tell the Idaho Fish and Wildlife I said that!!

Believe me, all meat tastes much better when you know that your very own 100 grain broadhead pierced the heart and/or lung of your prey, and that your own hands stripped away it's flea bitten fur and you yourself ripped out its guts and...

...hmmm, OK so that part kinda turns my stomach too, but hey, I don't mind shooting them. As far as the skinning and gutting part, well, that's what men are for which is why I am lucky to have a few of them with me when I hunt!

Yep, unlike all those other pansy ass states (one of which you probably live in!), men here in Idaho still enjoy gutting and skinning the local fauna for us womenfolk.

Some of them REALLY enjoy it, if you know what I mean:



Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh.

But hey, I don't judge anyone, it is a long standing male tradition here to have a bit of a deer fetish.

It is ingrained in our lifestyle here, much like harassing tourists, riding bulls, growing potatoes and diddling sheep!!

Er, I mean, picking wildflowers.

Yeah, they still do that for us womenfolk!

Anyhoo, don't be jealous and don't go all PETA on me while I'm gone. Oh, and don't worry, I'll even save a big fat steak just for you:



;)

Chelle B.

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That's right, to celebrate my 214th post here, I have invited Crotchety Old Man to do my very first Guest Offender post.

He recently mentioned over on the humor bloggers forum that he has a variety of offensive smilies and emoticons that, (and I quote), "They are pretty offensive, with absolutely no redeeming social values."

Well! Where better to showcase them than here, right?!

Right.

Hooyah!!

So I proudly present to you... my 1st guest blogger with his special offensive smiley story:

Smilies are the hardest working dudes in the online messaging business. We use them every day, yet few of us know of their lives outside of work. Here’s a chance to get to know one just a little bit better.
Meet Bob.

Most smilies are named Bob or Dave.

Usually, Bob just relaxes at home on his days off

but this time, Bob decided to hang with his pal, Dave.

The first thing they did was head over to the Dew Drop Inn to quaff a few adult beverages.


They met a few young ladies,

But Bob and Dave, weren’t the smoothest operators around, so they headed off to a Canadian donkey show.



By now, Bob was and Dave was also a bit



Well, one thing led to another, and suddenly Dave

Well, Bob was buthe didn’t leave.

So Dave suggested they wrestle, as guys are wont to do.
Bob was quickly pinned, when Dave decided to kick it up a notch and Bob.

After a few more homo-erotic buddy antics , the boys headed back to the bar.

And there she was, the smilie woman of his dreams.

Bob felt this was meant to be. He introduced himself, and she whispered her name, Sally.

She went back home with him.
It quickly became obvious to Sally that Bob knew little of the ways of love.


However, she was a willing teacher,

and Bob was a student who wanted to learn.



And he learned quickly.
She wore him out.
After a quick snack Sally said she wanted to take Bob to a special place. Bob would follow her anywhere because .

She asked him to put on his brown shirt and take her to an abandoned bowling alley on the outskirts of town.

There they met many friends, who all looked similar and familiar, but he could not place them.

All his new friends said it was time to get dressed for the ceremony.

Bob wasn’t dressed for but they said it was ok.

They had extra robes for him. Bob was happy.

He helped his new friends get dressed.

They then went to the ceremony.


It didn’t end how he expected.

Bob’s big day off ended with a bang.



Nah, that’s a sad way to end this tale.

He went to watch the Olympics.

The ones for extra special athletes.

THE END!!

OK, everyone... GIVE IT UP FOR CROTCHETY!!!

No offense, but this may be my best post ever. ;)

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Soooo you know how women all seem overly paranoid and obsessed about the local sex offenders in their area?

Yeah, I don't get it either.

I mean, what exactly is the problem??

Hey, I know when I bought my house, my first priority was finding out whether or not there were going to be enough sex offenders within close proximity to me.

Hey, don't give me that look, I'm serious! I mean, it technically isn't cheating on Jesus or my hubby if I am the wink-wink "victim", right?

Right!

Honestly, you tell me, why is that people always ignorantly assume that all sex offenders look like this anyway:

Or this...



Or even worse, like this...



I know for a fact that it just isn't the case 99% of the time!

OK, fine, maybe in places like Indiana and Ohio that's what they look like, but here in Idaho, we are lucky to have the cream of the crop with our uber sexy, incredibly handsome sex offenders!

I mean, just take a look at MY local brutes...

...oh, and please, try not to be jealous or drool all over my blog, dammit:

I know!!

I told you!!!

OK, so they don't look so hot in their sex offender registry database pics, but hey, I give them the benefit of the doubt.

Yep, I just know that they really look like this:




Hooyah!!

..............
.....................
.............................

Oh!

Sorry, heh.

I was drooling there for a moment.

Anyhoo, you'll have to excuse me now while I go remove all of the dead bolts from my doors and take the windows completely out.

Oh, and I also need one of these signs for my front yard:


Hmmmm.... I hope it's the kilt guy who comes first to OFFEND me.

I am such a sucker for men in kilts. (Just ask Don Lewis!)

Hooyah again!!

:p

Because I am already bordering on whoremongering, I may as well entice you further to visit Humor Bloggers dot com - it's where we pimp out the funny bloggers! ;)

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Soooo the other day as I was minding my own business, casually perusing Google images with my strict filtering disabled, I was not only disappointed to not find what I set out for, but my innocence was completely torn away from me and my psyche was irrevocably damaged as I was introduced, against my will, mind you, to the rather offensive and seedy underworld of clown porn!

I know!

It was disturbing!!

I mean, all I wanted was to see pictures of the Joker naked:


Don't look at me like that, I can't help it if I am drawn to psychopathic, scar faced, evil villains with ugly shoes and fancy, colorful socks!

That really isn't the point, though.

As I said, I am now damaged goods and no amount of therapy will ever reverse the catastrophic impact that clown porn had on me.

In fact, I am thinking of calling my Jewish lawyer to sue those Google bastards on my behalf. I may even take it to Judge Judy, she would totally rip them up one side and down the other!

I mean, how dare they make such filth available for the likes of me to spend twelve hours a day looking at.

Ugh.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., clown porn isn't that bad, is it? It sounds rather fun if you ask me!".

Oh, believe me, you do NOT want to Google it without your strict filtering on, there are some pretty freaky people in the clown porn world, with some even freakier fetishes!

Such as fat ugly man clown bondage fetishes...


...and rubber chicken fetishes....


....and hairy underarm fetishes...


...and gay punk rock clown fetishes:


...and old lady clowns with phallic balloons fetishes:

...and good God I don't even want to know what she is eating because it reminds me of that whole two girls and one cup fetish fetishes:


...and the worst one of all...


...stealing candy from little kids fetishes!

Honestly, I could have went through the rest of my life perfectly happy never knowing such debauchery exists, but alas, it is too late and my Jewish lawyer will now have ample opportunity to finally sue those Google bastards for destroying my innocence.

When I get my settlement money, I am opening a rehab center for former clown porn stars and clown fetish addicts.

Well, or I might buy a new bikini, bigger tires for my monster truck and hit Vegas.

Hooyah!!!

:)

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First it was the inquisition, then the influenza, and now... this??

BEIJING - Pau Gasol has apologized, saying the Spanish basketball team never meant to offend anyone. Point guard Jose Manuel Calderon wrote on his blog that the gesture, fingers pressed against their eyes, was meant as an "affectionate" message for the Chinese people.

Lucky for those Spaniards that the Chinese are forgiving, because between you and me, they could easily kick the crap out of Spain.

Although...

...they might not be as ready to play nice when they see what our boys did:


Admit it, it would be fun to see us decimate the Chinese army!

Hooyah!!

:p

P.S. My fellow humor blogger, Static, wrote a very funny post about this at his kraptastic blog, Krapsody.

(Now if everyone else would just write an offensive post for me to pimp out while I am busy over at the new and improved and highly successful Humor Bloggers dot com! Hooyah!!)

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Ok, honestly, I love nothing more than to see a couple of men using the talents that God gave them to beat the living shit out of one another.

As long as it's for good reason, of course, like fighting for the throne in the White House:



Hey, don't look at me like that.

It is perfectly normal for me as a woman to like to watch men fight!! I mean, who can't appreciate the art and beauty and skill of some good old fashioned bare-fisted pummeling??

Heh.

When I was younger and unmarried, I used to encourage guys to fight! Yep, I'd offer to sleep with the winner, and believe me, fists start flying pretty damn quickly when free sex with a blond is the prize.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, not all men are skilled at fighting and that's alright, but it's when things like this happen that I seriously begin to question the mental stability of all of mankind, though:

OGDEN, Utah (AP) — Two Ogden neighbors got into a fight after a minor league baseball game that ended with one them biting off a part of the other's ear. The two men had returned home from the Ogden Raptors baseball game late Wednesday when police said one man apparently offended the other with a comment.

Yeeeeah.

Hmmm, I wonder if ear tastes like chicken??

:p

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Well, I don't know what gets you motivated in the morning, but I usually start my day off by yelling at the kids, beating the dog and slamming a few tequila shooters before I check the news to see how many people were offended in the last 24 hours, and hey, believe me, I am never disappointed!

Not a day goes by that someone, some where in some way isn't offended.

Ugh!

In fact, right now, there are offenses happening all around the world that normally I would find quite entertaining and even perhaps useful for blog fodder.

For example, according to Google news, there were 4,191 offenses just in the last 24 hours:

I know!! I could totally use any one of those for a great post today, but I won't because for one thing, I am way too frigging tired to even type a coherent sentence, and for another....


...MY WAY AWESOME WEBSITE THAT I HAVE BEEN SLAVING OVER for weeks and months and years is officially launching today.

That's right, today.

Hooyah!!

Right now, hundreds of thousands of humor bloggers are synchronizing their blog posts to help me introduce Humor Bloggers dot com to the world, and for that I am eternally grateful! In return, they get exclusive membership privileges, and soon they will be rewarded with millions of humor blog groupies flocking to their own websites.

Yep, so hurry up and go check it out!


Oh, and hey, don't be jealous!

I can't help it if I am an evil genius who will someday be too rich and powerful to be seen eating at the taco truck with the likes of you!!

:p

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Also, I am happy to announce another awesome project that I am involved with, headed up by Jason over at Gorilla Sushi. It's something you can get involved in as well, here are the details:


Today is the first day of The AdSpace Contest and I'm proud to announce that I am one of 10 co-hosts.



The idea is simple and easy: Get as many entries as you can (very easy to do) over the next 30 days. The more entries you get, the better chance you have of winning! At the end of the 30 days, we'll announce the winner.



The prize?

A 125x125 pixel ad spot (above the fold) on at least TEN DIFFERENT BLOGS that will run for one month. That's at least a $100 value!



Who else is co-hosting?

• Geek Mom Mashup


• Vrtualme


• Jamaipanese


• Best of Stupid


• AxioBlog


• The Big Bald Blog


• Jason Boom


• Unconventional Marketing Blog


• Offended Blogger


• GorillaSushi

How do you enter to win?

1 Entry - Subscribe to any one of the blogs above via email.

10 Entries - Write a post about the contest (must include links to all 10 hosts OR use our suggested text)

25 Entries - Offer up an ad spot on your own blog for one month as part of the prize package (links will be listed above)



Simply put, you could subscribe to all 10 blogs, write a post and offer up your own ad spot for a grand total of 45 entries! Be sure to tell us in the comments below when and how you've entered to ensure that your entries get counted.



Good Luck!

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???

Go see all of my funny friends over at:

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OK, so no offense, but I really don't have time to be posting an Offensive here, I mean I AM trying to build an awesome new website and everything, remember?!

Hey, don't get all offended, dammit! It's not that I don't want to post here, because you know I love nothing more than to offend you, my #1 fan.

Wellllll, and between you and me, I also enjoy offending myself once in awhile, too. In fact if I don't get a good offending at least once a month, I get a little bitchy!

OK, fine, I admit it, I take time to offend myself at least once a week day hour, which is why I am soooooo nice and happy and content and non-bitchy all the time!!

Don't give me that look, I am too somewhat nice and happy and content and non-bitchy all the time, plus, it is perfectly natural to offend oneself! I bet you offend yourself on a regular basis, too.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, I got to thinking today as I was contemplating protesting outside the Microsoft headquarters, holding this sign:



Seriously, I wanted to take my little sign and at least yell some of my favorite expletives at the Geek Squad dudes down at my local Best Buy, just to make myself feel better and make SOMEONE pay for all the pain and frustration they caused me by making me cry several times today while trying to fix bugs with Internet Explorer on my awesome new website !!!

UGH!!

So, anyhoo, I was thinking about protesting, and it struck me....

...what if people said what they really thought when they were protesting? You know, instead of being total lemmings who say and do and follow whatever leader it is that they think makes them part of the 'in-crowd'?

I know, I hate those people too!

I am sooo not a lemming:



I mean, why not just do your own thing and say what you really think, regardless of whomever it may offend?!

Heh.

It certainly works for me!

Here are a few examples of me imagining other people being more like me.

Like for instance this guy:



Ohhh yeeeeaaahhhhh.

Hey, they should be proud!!

I know I'd brag about it if I were black and well endowed. ;)

Or...




Oh come on, we all know the rumors are true... but who cares?!

It does taste rummy!!

Or how about this kid who was forced into attending a pro-gay rally...



Ha!

No comment there.

OK, I take that back. I do have one: how many little boys ARE being raised by two man-hating bitches who would love nothing more than to castrate every single male who happens to have a penis, large or small, on the face of the earth?!

Ugh!!!

That really pisses me off, being a fan of men with penises and all.

Moving right along...


Obviously, there are too many of those among us!

Believe me, I live in inbreeder hell what with all these Mormons around me.

Oooh, and here is one of my favorites...

Bwahahaha, you know that happens ALL THE TIME, so why don't these so-called holier than thouists just be honest about it?!

Frigging hypocrites.

Oh, and how about this one:


Hehe, that's actually my friend Pedro, he's Jesus' brother. He fills in when Jesus is sick, or hung over, or busy with me during one of our all-night confession sessions, or making a run down to Mexico to pick up some more of that sticky imported "incense" he sells out of the taco truck!!

Hooyah again!!

Hmmm, that reminds me, I am almost out of "incense" and now I am seriously craving a taco.... and I do believe I have sinned and need to confess to Jesus and beg for his... well you know, so I better hurry over there.

Hey, don't give me that look!

:p

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So if you hang around me in real life, or read my blog for more than five minutes, you know that I have quite an extensive vocabulary of offensive expletives that I enjoy employing every now and then, and my all time favorite, hands down, happens to be "HOLY F*CK!!".

I know, it IS special, isn't it!!

Hey, and believe me, it comes in handy in a wide variety of circumstances, too!

For instance, earlier today I used it when I was out looking for tourists to harass and got stuck behind this instead:


I know!!

F*cking elephants, they are always slowing down traffic here in Idaho. OK, it was really a moose, but still. Seriously, the bastard would NOT let me pass him, he just kept weaving back and forth into both lanes, going like .37 miles an hour!

Ugh.

Now, don't ask me why, but for some odd reason, after I yelled, "HOLY F*CK! GET YOUR BIG ASS OFF THE ROAD, BULLWINKLE!!" at him, instead of wondering if it would do too much damage to my truck to move his big ass off the road, and whether the forest service cop behind me would find that sort of illegal offense less than amusing, I began to wonder about the deeper meaning behind my favorite double four letter expletive.

Yep, I started thinking, is there really such a thing as a 'holy f*ck', and if so, is it better than a normal one and either way.... how does one even know if it qualifies as holy or not?

Hey, I'm serious!

I mean, does the church have to ordain it?

Does an angelic choir sing praises in heaven before God's throne when you climax?

Does one walk away from it with stigmata on their unclean parts??

If so, isn't that like a holy f*cking STD?? If so, holy f*ck!! I certainly don't want that!!

Hmmmm.... maybe you have to wear sacred underwear and belong to a certain unnamed cult in order for it to truly be holy:

If that's the case, then it totally explains why all these Mormons around here have so many kids!!

Between you and me, now that I mention it, it is kind of creepy to think that there is so much holy Mormon f*cking going on in every direction around me here in this Mormon hell I like to call paradise.

It almost makes me not want to ever have se...

...heh, nevermind, that's just crazy talk!!

Anyhoo, I once blogged about a church that alluded to holy f*cking in order to guilt their flock into putting on some clothes and putting away the double pronged helper:

Now I don't know about you, but things like that are exactly why I only worship at my local taco truck nowadays. I mean, at least Jesus gives me something tasty in return for my hard earned tithings, and I don't just mean the tacos, either.

Hey don't look at me like that, what I meant is he also makes a mean carne asada burrito!

Hooyah!!

and...

Yummm!!

Anyhoo, I guess I will just have to ask him his opinion on this holy f*cking business, I mean, of all people Jesus should know the answer, right?

Right.

If not, I might have to resort to asking this guy who I found online, because he claims to be a world renown expert on holy f*cking. I guess he thinks he is the high priestess of holy f*cking or something:

I know..

...you don't have to say it, I am happy to oblige:

HOLY SH*T!!

Some people are just f*cking weird.

:/

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