The "Caption This Hot Chick" Offensive

This "Caption This Offensive" is inspired by and dedicated to my good friend (and muse for my next Offensive), Bee from Bee's Musings. Fair warning, the following picture is rather disturbing and not intended for a mature audience:

???

TOMORROW WE SHALL BEGIN TO DOMINATE THE WORLD AT:

The "Good Help and Liquor are Hard to Find!!" Offensive

OK, so, as I told you the other day, I am working on putting together my own private Idaho Armageddon militia, and no offense to those of you who used to work in the banking industry and lost your job and are now in the welfare line looking for work right now, but that old saying really is true!

Good help IS definitely hard to find.

I mean, I sure don't see any of YOU volunteering to be in my milita and with the economy all f*cked up like it is, I can't just spend my drinking money outsourcing this kind of thing to India for pennies a day, and even if I could, I have to say that it probably wouldn't be in my best interest to try to bring in my own private Idaho Armageddon militia from there because, well, they just aren't as patriotic as I want my milita to be.

Plus, they would bring wayyyyyyy too much stuff and I really don't have room for it all in my secret underground Armageddon bunker:


Not to mention the shipping costs would be phenomenal, so that idea is just out of the question.

I mean, ideally what I want is.. well to not HAVE to worry about Armageddon, but since I do, I want to find someone willing to do all the work finding militia people and training them because, in case I haven't mentioned it recently, I really frigging hate manual labor!!

Someone who is afraid of me would be the best candidate for the job:


Hooyah!!

That's right, I want them ALL to know that I am not going to mess around, because I want my own private Idaho Armageddon militia to be bad ass and ready to serve me at all times. Whether that means fighting off the Google aka Antichrist armies (that are gathering right now over in Iran just like the bible says!), or ya know, just running to the liquor store for me so I don't run out of tequila or Crown Royal and end up having to drink that stupid Starbucks liqueur that has been in my refrigerator since 1989 and doesn't even give me a frigging buzz!

Ugh!!!

Now, you tell me, why is it that I always remember that I need to buy more liquor AFTER the stupid communistic state run liquor store is closed?!

Or on Sunday when the Mormons shoot to kill anyone roaming the streets here, especially those of us who are not in church and are out looking for liquor???

Huh???

Why?!?!?!?!?!

Anyhoo, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah!

My own private Idaho Armageddon militia.

They must be ready to serve me at all times, dammit!!

See, you probably don't know this, but I had this problem before. Back when I thought the world was ending in 2000, I spent almost all of fall and winter of 1999 trying to put together my own private Idaho Armageddon militia.

Well, except back then I was in Montana, so I guess it would have been my own private Montana Armageddon milita, but still. It is practically the same thing, right??

Right.

Well, anyhoo, back then, my neighbor told me he would help me out, so I left it up to him and well, let's just say that it didn't really turn out the way I thought it would:

I mean, who is going to take a militia leader that wears funny pants seriously?!!

Not me!!

Ugh.

So I took over and scared all those kids off and had to start over, and after looking around town, I thought I had found the perfect group of patriots.

Yep, they seemed to be bad ass enough to qualify to be my own private Montana Armageddon milita, but during our first training mission, it quickly became obvious that they were going to be nothing but trouble:


Yeah.

F*cking Vikings.

So then, after I let them pillage and plunder me, I fired their asses and decided that maybe, just maybe, a volunteer militia wasn't the best idea.

Maybe, I thought, what I needed to do is to enslave my milita and force them into bad ass-ness!! I mean, hey, it works for all those other dictators bent on world domination, so why couldn't it work for me?!!

Wellllll, I'll tell you why.

Forced servitude under the fist of a ruthless dictator just doesn't illicit the same loyalty that volunteer servitude does:

Especially when you kidnap a busload of Japanese tourists who are innocently on their way to take pictures of geysers and buffalos in Yellowstone.

Believe me, they figure out really quickly that you are not a real tour guide.

Yeah, I know, those damn Japanese are too smart for my own good!!!

So now you see my dilemma. I need a better plan this time, because:

(a) none of those worked, and
(b) unlike the false alarm in 2000, Armageddon really is around the corner and we all need to be prepared!!

I know what you're thinking and believe me, I already thought of sending pictures of me shooting my bad ass Bowtech compound bow while wearing my camo bikini to the Navy Seals in hopes that they would come up here and be my own private Idaho Armageddon militia.

Between you and me, I wouldn't care if Google aka the Antichrist and his armies took over all of Idaho if these guys were here to distract me:

Yeeeeahhhhh.

But, everyone knows that in order to be a Seal you have to be pretty damn smart, too, and well, they might show up just to look at my bad ass Bowtech compound bow, but that wouldn't keep them here long:

Yeah.

Who needs those bastards, anyway.

*SIGH*

So I don't know what I am going to do.

Hey! Wait a minute! I just remembered something!!!

Jesus told me that HE was going to send an army to help me fight Google aka the Antichrist and his armies during Armageddon, duh!!!

I mean, just last summer Jesus sent some help for me when I told everyone that Pope Pius XII actually met with Hitler not because he supported mass extermination of the Jews, but because he was Hitler's secret gay lover and, well, needless to say, it kinda pissed off those Neo-Nazi skinhead neighbors of mine who live up north and, well, they threatened to come down here and stomp my ass and tattoo swastikas on it.

Yep, and after much praying and begging and pleading and bribing, Jesus totally came through for me back then:

You know, it is so nice to know that I have Jesus to fall back on what with Armageddon just around the corner.

So really, I can stop worrying about gathering my own private Idaho milita now and focus on more important issues before the end of the world comes.

Like getting down to that f*cking liquor store before it closes in 22 minutes!!!!!

See ya!!

:p

Chelle B.

HEY! I OWN THIS PLACE:

SO GO VISIT IT RIGHT NOW!!!!

The "Ten Offensive Things That I Have Perpetrated Upon Myself and My Fellow Man" Offensive

No, no I don't.

You, of all people, should know that by now!

Anyhoo, I was thinking that I really should do another The "Meme That Offends Me" Offensive type of thing, since the last one was rather fun and I am feeling narcissistic enough today to post twice.

So, here goes (and I am tagging all of you bastards, so I expect it on my desk by Monday morning!):

Ten Offensive Things That I Have Perpetrated Upon Myself and My Fellow Man
by: Chelle B.

1. Once, when I was 15, I was hanging out with some friends in this park in a town about 50 miles from my house and I made my boyfriend help me steal this old lady's cat.

I couldn't help it, he was the one who came across the street and was being all cute and lovable and playful and made me think I just couldn't live without him.

The next day I felt so guilty that I made my boyfriend drive me, and it, back.


2. I once ran up and kicked my brother square in the balls for no reason whatsoever except that my sister dared me to do it.

I was 8.

He was 13.

He fell to his knees with a look of twisted pain on his face and he made a horrible sound that scared the hell out of me. I thought I had killed him, so I ran next door and asked if I could use their phone to call 911.

And they laughed at me.


3. I harbor thoughts of stealing this really cool, almost life sized statue of Jesus that is outside of the Idaho Falls Catholic church. He has his arms stretched out and I want to put him next to my koi pond with birdseed in his hands, but I'd feel guilty.

Not about stealing him, but about all the bird shit that would end up all over him.

That would just feel wrong.


4. I told my neighbor's dog, "George", that I was going to be forced to shoot him with my pellet gun if he didn't stop digging up my flowerbeds and crapping on my lawn.

I said it loud enough for "George's" human (non)caretakers to hear, on purpose.

They haven't spoken to me again.

Fuck 'em.

"George" still comes in my yard and I really want to shoot them instead.


5. I haven't done my dishes yet today, and it is almost 3:00. If I don't do them soon, an offensive odor is going to take over my kitchen and drive me outside where I will end up telling "George" I am going to shoot his ass, because more than likely, he is out there digging in my flowers.

ALSO, I am redesigning my site, so that it loads faster.

Is it working?? Does it look OK??

Tell me the truth, dammit, and I promise not to get overly offended.

Much.

;)

Chelle B.

The "Oy Vey! The Jewish Conundrum.." Offensive

No offense, but I think that yours truly holds the answer to the mystery which has them collectively scratching their little yarmulke covered heads over at JewsVote.org:

In presidential elections, when choosing between a more progressive candidate and a more conservative candidate, Jews overwhelmingly choose the more progressive candidate. Between 1924 and 2004, Jews have given their vote to the more progressive candidates at an average rate of 76 percent. In fact, none of the more conservative candidates has ever mustered more than 40 percent of the Jewish vote, while more than half received less than 20 percent.

Given this history, why is Barack Obama hovering at 60 percent of the Jewish vote, according to three separate polls? Is this all the product of a highly effective rumor campaign, spread through Jewish networks often by well-meaning individuals concerned that they information they received was true? Or is there something more?

Is there something more, they ask?!

What. The. Hell.

Don't these people frigging read my blog??!

Ugh.

Hey, don't look at me like that. I know what you're thinking and no, I did not start any sort of rumor campaign to get them to vote for Ron Paul, I swear it.

In fact, I only had their very best interest at heart when I snapped this picture during a recent campaign speech that Obama gave here in Idaho:


Oh and before you hit speed dial on your phone and call the ACLU on me, just to clarify, that would be a campaign speech that he gave in Northern Idaho.

Where the white supremists live.

Not to be mistaken for Eastern Idaho, which is where me, those crazy, secret underground Armageddon bunker-stocking white Mormons and Jesus my taco truck guy live.

What do you mean you thought all of Idaho was full of white supremists??

Ugh.

Here, I even have a visual just so you feel safe again:

See?

I don't even live within driving distance of those crazy bastards up there in Northern Idaho.

OK, that's not true, I do and I did make sure that I was up there when Obama gave his speech, because, well, dammit, those Neo-Nazi guys have some good sticky, imported "incense", not to mention tips on how to stock and fortify my secret underground Armageddon bunker!

They are the ones who made sure I remembered to put toilet paper in there.

Anyhoo, between you and me, I think Obama was trying a bit too hard to show us whitey's that he is just one of us, but just in case he really is a white supremist Neo-Nazi (who has his own secret underground Armageddon bunker and clings to his guns and religion like the rest of us here), I sent that picture to every Jewish synagogue and kosher deli that I could find.

Because you know, they are white and they have a right to know just how white he is, too.

Oh, and I even sent one to the ACLU, because everyone knows that all the best Jewish lawyers work there and they might not have time to hit a temple or deli what with all that work they have protecting my right to offend.

Cuz I am nice like that.

Hooyah!!

:p

The "Place Your Bets, the Rodeo is About to Begin!!" Offensive

"This is the end, Beautiful friend, This is the end, My only friend, the end. Of our elaborate plans, the end. Of everything that stands, the end. No safety or surprise, the end...." ~ from "The End" by The Doors

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., noooooooooo!!!!!!!

Just because you have writer's block doesn't mean you have to give up!".

What the hell? Are you f*cking crazy? I never had writer's block. I was just busy remodeling my secret underground Armageddon bunker in anticipation for the Apocalypse.

Don't look at me like that, you know it's true! The end of days is near.

Hey, in case you haven't noticed (because you've PROBABLY been too busy looking at clown porn and reading my archives here), the end of the world really is at hand and I hope you are as prepared as I am.

That's right, the four horsemen are locked and loaded, chomping at their bits, and the rodeo is about to begin and if it wasn't for those Mormon boys who came by my house to proselytize me the other day, I may not have known that I didn't need all that extra crap that I had been stockpiling in my bunker:



I know!!

They are dorks.

But, as you can see, they are dorks who know all about how the end of days is at hand and I am lucky enough to live in Mormon hell so for as far as the eye can see, in every direction, there are secret underground Armageddon bunkers just full of cases of chili and Top Ramen and nice warm blankets and books of Mormon.

Not to mention that I live next to the frigging mother of all secret underground Armageddon bunkers:


All those books of Mormon will come in handy, too.

I will need them in case I run out of toilet paper!!

Yep, so anyway, thanks to those nice, albeit completely brainwashed Mormon boys, I realized that all I really need to stock up on is these:


I know!!

It does frigging rock!!

Oh, and I've also begun digging an elaborate system of tunnels that will lead me right to each of their underground bunkers, you know, just to make it easier for me to pillage and plunder them.

Not to brag, but I am such an evil genius that they won't even know what hit them. In fact, they will probably think that it was those demonic Illuminati scientists with their black hole machine who are to blame for all the destruction I will wreak upon them:


Or not...

....but hey, who cares??!!

Not me!!

That's right because I have bigger things to worry about than if I piss off the neighbors.

Yep, it is almost time to go all Darwinian on their asses and as you may or may not know, I am a true Darwinist.

Survival of the fittest, baby, and I am FIT!

Hooyah!!!

Hmmm, I better go, I still need to put together my secret Armageddon militia to help me carry out my diabolical plan.... any volunteers???

:)

Chelle B.

The "&*(%! I Still Have Writer's Block, So..." Offensive

...I've decided to present to you an assortment of some funny yet offensive cartoons, including one of my very, very, very, very, VERY all time favorites.

See if you can guess which one it is. :)

Enjoy!!












(Thanks to a fellow Humor Blogger, Amy at Amy Oops, I found this next one!)

The "Hey!! YOU Write My Next Offensive!!" Offensive

OK, I KNOW, I haven't posted an Offensive in... uh, well, actually, I don't know how long because I hardly read my own blog but it must be a while. How do I know this? Well, because I have been getting emails asking when I am going to offend again and thanks to my impatient #1 fans, I was prompted to check my blog and that's when I realized that I have a serious problem!!

No, I don't have writer's block.

How dare you insinuate that I am going to ask you to inspire my next Offensive!!

OK, well I do and I am, but before I get to that I just wanted to tell you why it is that I desperately need your help.

No, I'm not going to jail or rehab or Georgia.

Believe me, it is worse than that even!!

Now, don't panic, but thanks to that bastard Ben Bernanke for running our economy into the ground, I can no longer afford to outsource my blogging to Haji in India for pennies a day:

I know!!

It does suck.

So now, I have to write all of my posts myself, which is much like manual labor and as you may or may not know, I am a dedicated Republican so I frigging hate manual labor!!!

Ugh.

Thanks, I feel sorry for me, too.

:(

Anyhoo, this morning I came here, got all depressed and actually considered quitting but then I noticed my feedburner subscription is now over 200 and then I checked my traffic stats on my Google aka the Antichrist Analytics account, and then I said to myself, "HOLY F*CKING SH*T, CHELLE YOU CAN'T QUIT!!", because well, between you and me, it kinda freaked me out to see how popular my blog is.

I mean, who knew that Haji was bringing in so much traffic for me??!

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy about it but it puts a hell of a lot of pressure on me since I'm in charge of offending you now and honestly, I don't know if I am equipped to handle the responsibility of offending so many #1 fans!

Seriously, unlike Haji, not a whole lot offends me, so you tell me...

WHAT THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO WRITE ABOUT?!!!!!!

Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to yell and take it out on you, but as you can imagine, I'm just a little stressed because from the time I was a little girl I knew, without a doubt, that I wanted to grow up to be The Offended Blogger:

OK, so blogs weren't around back then, but I did know my purpose in life.

Little did I know that Ben Bernanke would stab me in the back and I'd have to actually do the work myself rather than outsourcing it to some third worlder!!

The bastard.

Of course, now that I know I have so many #1 fans, I feel obligated to come through with SOMETHING because I am sure every single one of you is awesome and nice and incredibly good looking, and all thanks to Haji and his skills at offending, you probably have been duped into thinking I am the greatest Humor Blogger ever:



So yeah, I kinda owe it to you to buck up and keep proving that I am the greatest Humor Blogger.

Ever.

And, even if some of you are practicing an 'alternative lifestyle' that may offend me and make me instantly judge you and not want you leaving your cooties on my blog and even if I am convinced that you are going to hell to burn for eternity for your sinful ways, I still would never want to let you down because you are still my #1 fan no matter what:


Well, unless you are that guy.

Blech!

Still, there are those of you who are VERY special to me, like Da Old Man who I know probably practices an alternative lifestyle since he lives in Jersey, and who probably wishes deep down that I would just shut up and show him my tits, but hey, I still love him like a weird uncle:

He was, too, which makes him even more special!!

Hmmm, you're right, that was awfully nice of him to break out his offensive smileys and write a hilarious story with them just for me, and he shows me HIS tits all the time, so maybe I should return the favor, huh??

Then again.... he might have a heart attack and die if I flashed him and then I would go to hell for murdering him by proxy and well, between you and me, I am not willing to risk my everlasting soul and potential eternal life with Jesus for anyone!!!

Nope.

Welllll, actually, now that I think of it, Haji may already have put my soul at risk for offending Allah back when he was issuing all those Fatwas on things that pissed me off, but seriously, who the f*ck do they think they are that they get to corner the market on Fatwa'ing???!!!! I am an American, dammit, and if I want to Fatwa someone or something, I have the God given right to do so.

Hey, I'm half Cherokee and half Welsh and Irish and German, so my people killed a hell of a lot of my other people for me to have that right so I am exploiting it!

Plus, I got at least one dedicated #1 fan out of that deal, so it was worth it:


Hooyah!!

That's right, and I will Fatwa again. In fact, later today I'm probably going to issue a Fatwa on Ben Bernanke for ruining the economy and taking Haji away from me!!!

Ugh.

I know, I bet you miss Haji too.

He totally cracked me up pretending to be me and I bet he even makes a mean falafel, too!! With extra, extra jalepenos and everything.

:(

Damn, now my stomach is growling and I can't concentrate.

Ugh.

Anyhoo, where was I?

Oh yeah!! My #1 fans!!

Yep, I am sure they are all perfectly nice and normal and not Fatwa worthy, but really, I do worry a bit that some of them may be a little TOO fanatic about me, if you know what I mean. I can just see it now:



Yeeeeahhhhh.

I mean, what if all over the world, right now, some of my fanatical #1 fans are rioting and protesting and suicide bombing one another to prove who is more of a #1 fan?!!

Damn.

Hey, it could happen!

I know for a fact that some of my #1 fans are already on the verge of suicide bombing themselves in my honor all the frigging time for no apparent reason:

Ha!

I love those crazy bastards anyway.

But hey, what if it's even worse than that?!!

I mean, what if some of my #1 fans are soooo addicted to my offenses that they are ending up like this:


Yeah.

:(

I'd never know about it either. The mainstream media would never cover those stories.

Ugh.

The only thing worse than that is knowing that chances are, some of my #1 fans don't find me all that funny, but they subscribe to my blog because they are sheep and follow the crowd, like this guy:



Or this snotty bitch:

She's right, but still!!

And you know there are a few of these ones:


And of course there are my Georgia gun forum buddies who say they like me, but in secret they probably talk shit about me:

But you know what???

I don't even care.

That's right, it doesn't offend me one bit because really, they still read my posts and that's all that matters!!

Plus, the only ones I truly worry about are the little innocent children who may stumble upon one of my offenses and be scared for life:

Ha!

I know why, and your'e right, I can't worry about the fact that I will cause them to need therapy later in life because maybe, just maybe one of them will grow up to take my place.

Plus, I have a duty to you, my #1 fan to continue offending so I guess I better stop thinking about all of this stuff and go now and think up something realllllly good just for you so you don't start reading The Communist Blogger instead.

But just so you know, it isn't going to be easy, because I can't think of anything to write, so I am leaving it up to you to inspire me.

Yep, it is up to you to help me decide what to write in my next Offensive!!

If you are too afraid to tell me in public, then use that little button over there and email it to me and I will make sure I tell everyone that you are a sissy and give them your email addy.

Hooyah!!

:)

Chelle B.

The "Caption This!! And Hey, While Your'e Here, Follow Me and Subscribe to My RSS Feed!! Pleeeeeaaassseee????" Offensive

???

The "Devil Went Down to Georgia??" Offensive

Hey, I am not sure if I should be offended by this, but apparently, yours truly has a Ned-Beatty-squealing-like-a-pig sort of allure that has attracted the attention of some rebel-flag waving, alligator wrestling, swamp stomping, gun loving members of the Peach State.

That's right, a group of 2nd Amendment defending Georgians, who belong to a gun forum (Hooyah!), seem to have their collective sights set on me.

Yep, all thanks to my post about killing Bambi's mommy and daddy, they are all fired up and want me to come and play with their guns. I guess the sight of real sized deer is what did it, I'm not sure hehe:



Yeeeeahhhhh, I know!!

That is a nice gun, isn't it?!

Now, I may not be afraid of grizzly bears, or eco-tourists, or Yellowstone erupting, or having a Fatwa issued against me, or even Google aka the Antichrist, but between you and me, well, I am a bit afeared of these guys!

OK, I AM afraid of Google, but still.

Anyhoo, it didn't help that my Italian soccer star look-alike ex lover boy, Mr. Fly himself, found out they were talking shit and got them all stirred up over there, either.

Ugh.

Yeah, and knowing him, he probably sent each and every one of them those naked pictures of me, too:


He so did not! He couldn't even afford toilet paper.

I frigging paid for them with the tip money I got working at Hooters, dammit!!

UGH!!!

I knew I should have accidentally shot his ass when we were out bowhunting and romping our way naked through the forest together!


I mean, thanks to him, what if right now, a couple of them are loading up their squirrel shooters and a case of duct tape and are heading up here to Idaho, with impure thoughts in their minds, bent on taking me back to their snake and spider and varmint infested underground Armageddon bunker just to get me all liquored up and have their way with me?!!



OK, well we both know that those two bastards are too lazy to do it themselves, but... what if they pooled their moonshine money together and are hiring a horde of squirrel shooting, deuling banjo playing, cousin kissing swamp stompers to come up and steal me away from this picture-postcard, grizzly bear infested, eco-friendly tourist trap that I call home??


Hey, don't give me that look, it could happen!!

My only hope is that they are a bunch of p*ssies down there, and they won't be able to convince anyone to dare come up here into grizzly bear and white supremacist country to get me:


Yes, they are!

Unlike down there, the real men up here in Idaho aren't afraid of grizzly bears and sure the hell aren't afraid to duct tape me and throw me into the back of their truck and drive me to their underground Armageddon bunker and get me all liquored up and have their way with me.

They sure wouldn't let some Peach Stater take me away from them, either!

Plus, my Fatwa friends would put up one hell of a fight for me. Especially if a horde of squirrel shooting, deuling banjo playing, cousin kissing swamp stompers showed up:


Not to mention Jesus.

I mean, he is the father of at least one of my children so he would totally save me because, well, I am his best customer so Jesus frigging loves me even more than those crazy Fatwa bastards do:


And now that he is back up here with his taco truck, I prefer to stay here too, right where I belong, thank you very much!!

I mean, believe me, NOTHING would convince me to allow myself to forsake Jesus and get all liquored up and ravaged down in some underground bunker in Georgia.

NO THING AT ALL WHATSOEVER.

Nope.

Then again.... what if this guy is from down there:



Hmmmm!!!!

You know... I might just have to load up MY Hello Kitty AR-15 and a case of duct tape into MY monster truck and go bring HIS ass back up here to MY underground Armageddon bunker where I'll get him all liquored up and then have my way with that monster truck and boat.

Hooyah!!

Hmm, I wonder if they have taco trucks that I can hit while I'm down there in the Peach State!

:)

Chelle B.

The "How To Properly Wax Your Balls" Offensive

Alrighty kids, so I know that The Offended Blogger is officially the place to go when you want to learn how to self torture your testicles, but a recent conversation with an unnamed fellow humor blogger *cough cough HumorSmith cough cough* has prompted me to go in a whole different direction here!

Now, believe it or not, he did not believe that men pay to have their balls waxed.

I know!!,

I mean, it IS common knowledge, right?

Right.

So, unable to stand the thought of someone not knowing the intimate details about this whole underground world of ball waxing going on out there in the real world, this has led me to present to you the following post which includes the proper technique for waxing your balls, because I just happen to know a little something about the topic!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., you are not of the penile persuasion, what the hell do you know about waxing balls?!".

Hey, you may or may not know this, but before I retired early and became a full time offender, I worked in high end spas performing a variety of high end services for those high end f*ckers in our society who have so much f*cking money coming out of their high end asses that they could afford to have someone like me wax it right off for them!

Yep, I'm the one who took these types back to my little Nirvana-like sanctuary room at the spa:


I made a frigging fortune off of them, too!

That's right, I, Chelle B., was (among many other things) a professional Brazilian waxer back in the day and I'm not ashamed to admit it. In fact, I did a whole post about how I made a fortune off of the vain and rich and stupid, or the rich and stupid and vain, or something like that and if I wasn't on my third Crown and Coke tonight, I'd pull it up for you and link it!

Oh, fine, I'm not that drunk but would it kill you to look through my archives once in awhile?

Sheesh!

Some #1 fan YOU are!! I read YOUR archives, ya know.

OK, not really, between you and me, I really only read The Offended Blogger cuz ya know, it kicks ass!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, where was I?

Oh yes, how to wax your balls properly!

Believe me, there is a way to do it IMproperly, so take notes!! I mean, we are talking about hot wax in your nether regions, and without proper techinque, well, things can get ugly VERY quickly and I would not want you, my #1 fan, to come back later all bleeding and crying like a little girl, blaming me for your misfortune or, worse yet, sending me the bill from your proctologist:



Especially, you, Mr. Smith, who I'm sure still does not believe me that real men get their balls waxed!!

OK, well, actually, you're right there, real men don't get their balls waxed because real men ride bulls with hairy balls (the men and the bulls I mean) and drink whiskey and hurl into their cowboy hats after the rodeo, but still!!

Between you and me, this is the kind of man who really has their balls waxed, in my mind:



That's right, and I had clients just like that.

Ugh.

And yes, there are even names for the various types of male Brazilians, such as...

The Hitler:

The wedge:


The Troll Doll:


And my own personal specialty, The Krusty:


(Not to be confused with the Crusty which is what rich drag queen hookers ended up with when I was done using DDT and Agent Orange on them just so I could bring myself to touch their nasty asses - ugh!!! I even charged extra for the 12 pairs of latex gloves I piled on before I'd wax them, too!)

Anyhoo, I also worked on body builders, competitive swimmers, male strippers, male (and she-male) porn stars and one or two of these:


Yep, so believe me, I have the skillz and now, without further adeiu, I will tell you all about how to properly wax your balls.

Right after I refill my Crown and Coke.

Oh, and while you wait, you can learn alllllll about the whole process here:

The Male Brazilian Wax

Brazilian wax information site for men

That's right, Mr. Smith, read it and weep!!

Hooyah!!

:)

Chelle B.

The "UGH!!! I Need a Vacation!!" Offensive

OK, no offense to those of you who just happen to have been born of the penile persuasion, but what the f*ck is up with you guys not wanting to take your women on a decent vacation??

Seriously.

I mean, don't you realize that watching the 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit on Location in San Juan on the 60" plasma or trailing behind you while you slowly make your way down every frigging aisle at the Home Depot does not exactly constitute an actual vacation or a good time for your woman??

Ugh!!

OK, actually I like Home Depot, but still.

In fact, it's one of my favorite stores, please don't tell my husband because I pretend I hate it and I make him feel guilty every time he takes me there just so he'll buy me a latte on the way home.

Hey, don't look at me like that!

I can't help it if I like the Home Depot. :)

Anyhoo, I decided that I am going to plan a surprise escape for myself and my mentally abused and mistreated hubby, who happens to be of the penile persuasion and doesn't have a clue what a real vacation is, (much like the rest of his kind - except Jesus who obviously knows how to vacation!).

Yep, so I've been spending all day searching the net looking for juuuuust the perfect spot for us. OK, I've been doing it for just the last five minutes BUT I've already found quite a few exotic locales that really excite me and hopefully he'll like one of them, too!

Like, for instance, I just loooove me some Vikings, so I want to head to the Baltic and visit the Gotlandic picture stone:


Now, you tell me, isn't that one very cool looking rock??

Hey! It is too!

Ugh.

OK, well, I've always wanted to head down to San Diego when they do those sand sculpture competitions on the beach - you have to admit those are cool:

See!

I told you.

Of course, coming from a military family, if I was down in that area, I'd have to stop over and watch our boys play with their latest bad ass toys:

Hooyah!!

Between you and me, even though I am not of the penile persuasion, I'd totally play with that one all day long if they'd let me!!

In fact, I'd love to have that thing in my front yard just to offend the hell out of my blue-state-transplanted, bleeding-heart, military-hating neighbors!

Yeah, the ones who want to take my guns away and think killing Bambi's parents should be illegal, too!!

THOSE BASTARDS!!!

Oh, heh.

Sorry, didn't mean to take it out on you, where was I??

Oh yeah! I need a vacation - possibly over in California.

Hmmmm, now that I think of it, though, I've been to that frigging blue-state way too many times already and before all that glacial ice is gone, maybe we better head up north and see the icebergs and polar bears before my 8-mile-to-the-gallon monster truck driving, global warming inducing self misses out on seeing the natural wonders that await me up there.

Wonders like this:


Ohhh yeeeeahhhh.

I don't know about you, but I could get into that.

I mean, doesn't nature's art just warm you all over like it does me?? It makes me downright hot, in fact.

Yep, I'm packing my sweaters and mukluks right now.

Then again....

.....I'm kinda dreading winter coming here to Idaho, and freezing my ass off up in the Arctic doesn't sound all that appealing what with the 9 month long, mind-numbing cold headed this way shortly and I've really been wanting to climb some rocks, soooo, well, maybe we could just head down to Arizona or New Mexico, instead!

I hear they have some pretty heart warming natural formations there, too:




Yep, I could scale that thing all day long because rock climbing, well, frigging ROCKS!!

The only problem is, my hubs doesn't particularly like to rock climb anymore, he did plenty of that in the Army so hmm...

...but, he does like to go cave diving though, so maybe I'll compromise and we can go just up the road here to this place and do some spelunking instead:



Of course it wouldn't be nearly as fun for me, but hey, as long as he is willing to take me on a vacation, I'll do whatever it takes to make my man happy. Cuz I am nice like that.

Well, anything except watch that f*cking Sports Illustrated Swimsuit on Location in San Juan on the 60" plasma AGAIN.

Ugh!!!!!

What the hell is so appealing about it anyway??

:p

Chelle B.

The "Halleluja! I Found Jesus!!" Offensive

Finally!

After all this time, I finally found Jesus!!

My good friend Bill from I Animate You is on vacation down in Mazatlan, surrounded by half naked Mexican beauties who spend their days bringing him Pina Coladas and rubbing oil on his back, and he sent me this picture of my beloved taco truck guy - who apparently hasn't been deported by the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Immigration department OR kidnapped by the Google mafia and is just on vacation down there:

Funny, I remember his um, "little sombrero" being much bigger than that, though.....

:)

Chelle B.

The "I Had a Dream..." Offensive

So, um, no offense to those of you who have a revolving reservation at Bellevue, but believe me, I am not crazy like you are! OK, technically, I probably am certifiable, and if I spent five minutes with your overpaid psychiatrist he would probably want to give me the padded cell next to yours, but still.

Between you and me, though, I actually questioned my own sanity this morning, because I think I had one of those premonition dreams last night. You know, the kind where you dream about something that is going to happen and then it does?

Seriously, it was weird.

It's happened to me before, actually.

Yep, when I was 12, I dreamed that when I was 14 I was going to run away to San Francisco and meet these really cute Rastafarian guys and they were going to give me this sticky, imported Jamaican "incense" that had been dipped in embalming fluid to smoke and I was going to smoke it and then pass out in the middle of Golden Gate park and then they would take turns...

...heh.

Nevermind. :)

I'd rather not think about that, it all came true but it didn't end well.

For them, anyway.

Hey, I was a lot meaner back then, believe me! I didn't have the restraint I have now and I am just lucky they never found the bodies!!

Anyhoo, in the beginning of my premonotory dream, I was hanging out with my favorite Fatwa friends, who promised they would help me find Jesus because they said that otherwise they'd have to behead me for offending Allah by eating falafels:


I know!!

I love those crazy bastards!!

They are always pissed about something.

Then, it got even better, because all of a sudden, I was behind the wheel of my eco-friendly dream car, and we were all heading down to Mexico to rescue Jesus, with a case of Mescal AND a suitcase full of thousand dollar bills in the backseat:


Hooyah!!

It was great, and we were all having such a good time, sailing along at 120 miles per hour, singing "Oye Como Va", making fun of the Pope, until one of them had to hurl and actually started crying like a little girl and begging for me to pull over.

Ugh!!!

I hate when someone ruins the fun because they can't hold their liquor, especially someone SUPPOSEDLY of the penile persuasion. I mean, what the f*ck??!! I never have to hurl when I drink, so, naturally, I made them throw his sissy ass out the window.

Don't look at me like that.

Yes, I slowed down!

To 75.

A few miles later, I had to hurl, er, I mean, pee so we stopped and I even took a minute to leave my offensive mark on an innocent billboard before I jumped back into my eco-friendly Hello Kitty Prius:



Now that was fun.

But then, things kinda got weird because all of a sudden my Fatwa friends were gone, and in their place were these guys, who I think belonged to some weird, middle eastern religion or something:


Yeeeahhhh.

Oh, believe me, I don't put up with that stuff at all so I threw all their asses out the window, by myself with one hand, while eating a falafel with extra, extra jalepenos, steering with my knee.

Yep, and I didn't even drip any hot sauce on myself, either!!

Then, even though I was headed straight for Tijuana, suddenly, I somehow took a wrong turn and ended up in Boise, which I thought was Mexico (because they look so similar!), and that's where I found my beloved Jesus hiding in what was left of his taco truck:



Of course, he was scared and wouldn't come out, and I started to pry the door open with my bare hands to save him but...

... well, I woke up just then, because those f*cking falafels that Ramin made me last night gave me the heartburn from hell!!!

Ugh.

Hmmm.... I hope it's true that Jesus is just in Boise, with the gas mileage my non-eco-friendly monster truck gets, that isn't too far so maybe I can save him before it's too late.

After I grab some falafels and a case of Mescal, of course!

Remind me not to get the extra, EXTRA jalepenos this time though, alright??

:)

Chelle B.

The "Caption This Backstabbing Judas" Offensive

So while I try to figure out who the Judas, aka offending party, was that turned that jalepeno scented, sticky "incense" dealing, taco truck driving, 99.9% chance-that-he's-the-real-father of my bastard son over to the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Immigration Department, I present you with this commemorative "Caption This" to pass the time.

It is of Jesus (not MY Jesus, mind you, but the other one) and that bastard Judas. (You don't want to know what I think they are thinking hehe):



Have fun and wish me luck!

Chelle B.

The "Jesus, Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me??" Offensive

So, ummm, I am really trying not to panic here, but this morning... when I went down to pick up my breakfast.... like I do every morning... instead of seeing the familiar site of my beloved red and white taco truck glistening in the morning dew with smiling school children all lined up in front of it, pooling their pennies and dimes and wrinkled up dollar bills that are supposed to be used for lunch money together to buy some of that sticky, imported "incense" that Jesus sells, this is what I found in it's place:


I know!!

Now, you tell me, WHERE THE F*CK IS JESUS, WHO THE F*CK IS RAMIS, WHAT THE F*CK IS A FALAFEL AND WHY THE F*CK DOESN'T RAMIS OPEN FOR BREAKFAST???

UGH!!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., yelling at me, your #1 fan, is NOT going to bring Jesus back, and I don't know what the f*ck a falafel is or why the f*ck Ramis doesn't serve breakfast, did you stop to think that maybe it is against his religion? Now shut the f*ck up and get ahold of yourself!!".

Uh.

Wow.

That was a bit, well, offensive don't you think??

Don't make me get my Spongebob Ruger out.

Look, I have a right to be upset! I mean, Jesus said he would always be there for me and apparently he lied because as you can see, he is not here which means that he has probably been deported, which means no more tacos, or extra jalepenos, or sticky "incense", or all night confession sessions that he encourages me to have with him, especially when I am pissed off at my hubby for being so mean to me, which happens quite often, especially when I threaten that if he doesn't do whatever I want I am going to to run off with Jesus for the night and between you and me, I only say it just to piss him off just so I can, well... run off with Jesus for the night!

Hooyah!!

Hey, don't look at me like that, the OTHER Jesus said we aren't supposed to judge anyone, right?!!

Right.

Anyhoo, I hate to say it, but between you and me, it looks like Jesus has, for lack of a better word, forsaken me!

Yeah. Not to mention at least one of my children, who may or may not be his:


I know!! Poor little bastard.

Heh. Lucky for him I keep forgetting to pick them all up from school, because it saves him from feeling abandoned! OK, more abandoned.

But hey, who cares about them anyway?! I'M the one who is suffering and I'M the one who is feeling quite abandoned right now.

And, I'M pretty sure I fed the children the last time I saw them, so I'M probably the only one who didn't get any breakfast this morning!!!

:(

Aww, thanks, I feel sorry for me, too!

You know, I'll never forget the last words Jesus said to me:


OK, so they weren't to me, they were about me, but still.

Deep down I know how he feels and wherever he is right now, I bet he is missing me as much as I miss his tacos with extra, extra jalepenos and all that other stuff!!

Hmmmm, I just wonder who the hell it was that turned him in to begin with?!

I mean, those neo-fascist, IRS funded, green uniformed agents of the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Immigration Department don't usually just go knocking on taco truck windows in the wee hours of the morning looking to deport innocent, undocumented "incense" dealers who have my name tattooed on their head and smell of jalepenos without having been tipped off by someone with a vendetta.

Oh, believe me, I am going to do whatever it takes to find out just who it was that Jesus pissed off so I can help get him and his taco truck back where he belongs!

Right after I go back down and see what time Ramis opens for lunch!

Hey, I wonder if his Falafels come with extra, extra jalepenos....

:)

Chelle B.

The "Little Red Pecker" Offensive

You know, no offense to all of you white people, but while I was out there deep in the forest, armed with little more than my bow and arrows, my trusty can of bear/serial killer deterrent spray, feeling like a bad ass warrior chick, I had what we Natives like to call a vision.

Well technically it was after the peyote kicked in that I began to hallucinate, but that counts as a vision in my culture!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., you can't fool me! You are whiter than a sack of white rice in a snowstorm!".

Hey now, that borders on hate speech. Don't make me call my ACLU certified Jewish lawyer on you, dammit!!

First of all, I may be blond haired and blue eyed and look like a Nazi's wet dream, but in reality I am a Cherokee Indian and secondly, I have quite a sunburn at the moment, thank you very much.

I mean, if you don't believe me that I am not white, just look at this recent picture of my dad, whose real name just happens to be "Little Red Wood Pecker".

We call him Little Red Pecker for short:


See!

I told you!!

Yep, my maternal grandfather was full blooded Cherokee and my paternal grandmother was full blooded Cherokee so that makes me.... well, possibly inbred and at least enough of an Injun that I know why it is that when I drink whiskey I want to kick everyone's ass!

And why I have a hatchet fetish.

And why I want to run naked through the forest with my bow and arrows after smoking peyote while out hunting.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, I am even possibly enough of an Injun that I could defect from America, register at the local reservation, get some reparation money, build myself a teepee, take up gambling and maybe, just maybe, even set myself up in a lucrative business selling illegal fireworks to... well, to white people like me!


Now that, my friend, would be a frigging dream life, would it not?

But nooo, instead, I am left to live out here in god-forsaken white America, where I am forced to rely upon the kindness of my true brethren to deliver illegal fireworks and peyote to me every couple of weeks:



But, you know, if I ever really found the nerve to claim my real heritage, I'd also have to accept that sad reality that my illegal firework and peyote dealing people are to blame for a lot of injustices that happened in the not so distant past.

Things that white people take the blame for to this day.

Don't give me that look, it's true!

In fact, if you really want to get technical, my people are the ones who should be paying reparations to the black people, among others, right now:



That's right.

If my people wouldn't have been so damn stubborn and just given up early on, they'd have survived and been enslaved, instead of the poor Chinese and Irishmen and Gypsies and...


Personally, I think they knew exactly what they were doing. They wanted us white people to take the rap. My people are very cunning, you know!!

But, if the truth is ever revealed, and I ever did claim my place on the local rez, we both know that I would be forced to give Haji from India or Tyrese from Compton or Chow Ling from Boise my illegal fireworks business, and that would really frigging piss me off!!!

So maybe I am just better off being white after all.

At least I can still smoke peyote and run naked through the forest with my bow and arrows and pretend I am a bad ass Cherokee warrior chick, right?

Right!

:p

Chelle B.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey! A fellow humor blogger needs your help!!

Don't make poor ettarose suffer with a Feedburner readership of -6! Click over and visit her and while you are there, be sure you subscribe to her funny blog - after all, an RSS feed is a terrible thing to waste...