The "Happy Day Before My Birthday!!!!" Offensive

Well, since tomorrow is my BIRTHDAY (on All Saint's Day, mind you!) I am taking today off from slaving here at The Offended Blogger, and as a special Halloween treat I am bringing to you the first ever guest blog post by an actual undead blogger. I'd like you to meet John, my resident Ouija board spirit. Don't be a sissy, he's cool, and he promised he would write a great Offensive while I am gone. Which he fucking better or the board is going to be lining the litter box for a week. So, enjoy, and Happy Day Before My Birthday!!!!

H....I....M....Y....N....A....M....E....I....S....J....O....H....N....A....N...D....I....A....M...
C....H....E....L....L...E....S...
O....I....U....J....A....B....O....A....R....D....G....H.....O....S....T....

B....E....T....W....E....E.....N....Y....O....U....A....N....D....M....E....
C....H....E....L....L....E....B....I....S....A...
C....R....A....Z....Y....B....I....T....C....H....!....!....

S....H....E....S....A....Y....S....S....H....E....I....S....N....T....
L....E....T....T....I....N....G....
M....E....C....R....O....S....S....O....V....E....R.....U....N....T....I....L....
I....G....I....V....E....H....E....R....T....H....E....W....I....N....N....I....N....G....
L....O....T....T....E....R....R....Y....N....U....M....B....E....R....S....

S....H....E....S....C....A....R....E....S....M....E....

I....T....H....I....N....K....S....H....E....I....S....A....D....E....M....O....N....

P....L....E.....A....S....E....C....A....L....L.....A....
P....R....I....E....S....T....F....O....R.....M....E....?

The "How Do You Like Them Apples, "Ed"?!!" Offensive

Dear Abby Chelle B.: Two weeks ago, my middle-aged neighbor, "Ed," brought over a bushel of apples from his tree. He told me he didn't want them to go to waste. I told Ed I didn't want them, but he left them anyway.

Reluctantly, I spent my days off peeling, coring and cooking them into apple crisp, pies and jam. I gave away all of the items, and saved one pie to give to Ed.

When I took it over to him, he said, "Is that it? What did you do with all the rest?" When I told him I had given everything else away, Ed said he should have gotten more because they were his apples!

Abby Chelle B., I am just furious. I didn't want those apples in the first place. I worked hard preparing them, and the last thing I expected was for my neighbor to be so ungrateful. Am I overreacting? - OFFENDED

Dear Offended,

I hate to break it to you, but you are completely and totally underreacting.

My first reaction would have been to kick "Ed" square in the mouth for having the balls to speak to me that way. I don't know how old you are but the women's liberation movement took place decades ago and no fucking man has the right to speak to a woman this way without risk of having his balls cut out and shoved down his throat.

That is, assuming you are a woman and not a gay man, which, if you are, well, no offense with the shoving balls down your throat thing and if you are, well, did it occur to you that "Ed" might secretly be a cross dressing tranny and when he said "he should have gotten more" it meant...

*shudders*

Yeah.

Let's not go there.

Anyhoo... as for what to do with this "Ed".

After putting on your best pearls, high heels and a Victoria Secret's push up bra that gives the illusion of large pendulous breasts, entice "Ed" over to your place by offering him a conciliatory basket full of apple jam, apple crisp and apple dumplings (whatever the fuck those are).

Also, make sure you have a nice, warm apple pie laid out as well as some *wink wink* old fashioned apple cider.

Let "Ed" handle the knife to cut the pie, and mention how manly he looks holding such a big, long instrument. As you continue to get "Ed" liquored up, lean in closely a few times, so he gets a face full of cleavage, and as you do, make sure you "accidentally" brush your soft, warm skin up against him once or twice so he can imagine what they would feel like if you smothered his face with your bosom while he pulled on your hair, screaming, "Give me more!".

As he starts to feel all hot and bothered while swallowing down mouthfuls of pie, casually mention that you, too, can swallow mouthfuls.

Like any man, if you continue this long enough, eventually he won't be able to contain his sinful inclinations and before long he will be unbuttoning his pants to release the growing pressure both above and below his belt line.

As soon as he does this, grab the butcher knife that you cut the pie with and plunge it right into his black heart, while shouting, "TAKE MORE, "ED"!!! YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKIING BASTARD!!!".

Make sure you twist the knife around in a full circle a few times to irrevocably damage all of the arteries and blood vessels so that he can't recover and finger you for attempted murder. Then dial 911 and sob uncontrollably into the phone about how your favorite neighbor "Ed", out of the blue and completely out of his mind, came over and tried to rape you and you had no choice but to stab his ass in self defense.

I guarantee you, if you take my advice, that son of a bitch won't bother you with free apples ever again!!

:)

Chelle B.

The "In Defense of Whitey" Offensive

OK, so is it just me or has anyone else noticed that in all of the Brink's Home Security commercials they portray ONLY white guys as the criminal?? What the fuck?? I mean, honestly, it is really starting to fucking offend me because everyone knows that statistically white people are the victims and not the criminals and someone has to not be afraid to speak up about the fact that they are promoting a false image of our people.

We both know that I am unafraid to speak out against injustice so, naturally, I am mailing the following letter to Brink's Home Security to defend whitey from this unfair stereotyping.

Dear Brinks Home Security people,

I am writing to let you know that as a white person I am highly offended by the fact that every time I see one of your commercials, the scary burglar kicking in doors or busting through glass windows is a hooded white man.

Surely you are aware that it typically isn't white men who break into and burglarize the homes of innocent people, right??

White men may make up the majority of serial killers and white collar criminals, and from my own experience with my older white brothers I do know that they will not hesitate to bind your hands and feet, put you in a closet, steal your stash of pot and smoke it all before you can chew through the duct tape and break free, but I assure you that statistically they do not lower themselves to petty burglary.

Now, I am sure that you are aware that through blatant false advertising you are subliminally promoting an inaccurate stereotype of white people:

Of course, I live in Idaho where we don't need your services but it still concerns me because, well, dammit, I am white and we have to stick together. Where I live, our homes have a built in security system we like to call the 2nd Amendment and I won't lie, thanks to an influx of outsiders moving here from states with strict gun control, there have been several attempted robberies at my house.

In fact, I like to leave my garage door open 24/7 just to entice these out of state criminals in so I can shoot their sorry asses one at a time.

Here is a list of just a few of the dumb fuckers who had the balls to try to rob my place recently:

Darnell Tyrese Reginald Jamal
Abdul Aandaleeb Abhavasimha
Mao Ming Shin
Jesus-Ernesto Filiberto Luis-Fernando Santiago

As you can clearly see by their names, none of them were white.

Now I understand that your Jewish lawyers have probably advised you that if you hired an Asian, black or Hispanic actor to play the role of "bad guy", you run the risk of having the ACLU gang rape you in a court of law, but could you at least have the courtesy to do me and other intelligent white people a favor and portray your token whitey burglar correctly?

Instead of using a healthy, well built white man,you really should find an actor that looks more like your typical, garden variety, ghetto meth-head.

You know, one who looks like this:



Or this:


Or, better yet, this:


See what I mean??

That would be much more convincing and I would tune in just to see what sort of freak you have hired for each new commercial.

I bet your sales would skyrocket, too.

Especially in pussified states where they have strict gun laws and their citizens are left to rely on high priced, false security services like yours which do little to nothing to actually prevent crime.

Sincerely,

Chelle B.

The "Stop Googling Me, Google!!!" Offensive

OK, so remember how I warned you that Google was the Antichrist and told you that they are going to destroy us all, well, me, but you didn't believe me and instead you just laughed and told me that I was probably just hallucinating from smoking too much crack with my Fatwa friends again?!!! Well, believe me, I have not smoked any crack at all today yet and guess what? That's right, Google aka the Antichrist is at it again, but this time they have gone way, way, WAY too fucking far!!!

Ugh.

Seriously, when my Fatwa friends get back with my missiles, I might have to have them issue a Fatwa on Google's asses once and for all.

I mean, just look at the stuff that they have been "Googling" me with today, just to taunt me:

UGH!!! I AM TOO FUCKING KOSHER!!

I am so kosher I could be eaten by twelve rabbis right now!

They know it, too.

And so what if now that I got a hit on my blog from Greenland I am even more obsessed with world domination? Look who is talking!!

They are also obviously obsessed with me, as well.

Weirdos.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., how do you know it is Google behind all of this?!".

What do you mean how do I know it is them?!! I use Google Analytics, of course, and every one of those hits came in today within minutes of each other and all from the same IP address in Mountain View, California.

Which happens to be the headquarters of the Antichrist himself.

In fact, I bet any minute now he will dispatch his Google hit squad and they will be cruising up the street just to intimidate me:

Pffft.

I could so crush their little "Book Mobile" Google hit car with my monster truck and they know I would do it, too.

Hey, don't look at me like that, I know you are Googles #1 fan and I know you are just going to tell me that I am overreacting and that I owe Google my eternal soul for all the things they have done for me, including giving me this free blog, my 27 free gmail accounts, my Google Analytics account, and unlimited, 24 hour, unfiltered Google searches to satiate my deep need for an unending supply of worthless and inaccurate information.

Not to mention all those free, yet offensive Google images that I have may or may not have intentionally pilfered and defiled over the last year or so to use here on my lovely Google sanctioned blog!!

Believe me, I don't like it anymore than you do but it is true that Google is out to kill me, despite all of the great and wonderful things they have done for me.

I mean, maybe it is all a misunderstanding and it is just a coincidence that all those freaky Google searches came in from their headquarters all at the same time and maybe it is purely coincidental that it happened just after I had used Google maps to calculate the distance between Idaho and Mountain View, California and then used my Google search bar to type in "long range missiles that can go roughly 800 miles".

Heh.

Believe me, I meant to Google the distance between me and Cuba, not me and Google.

Of course now, thanks to Google, I am probably on some Illuminati terrorist watch list, but I also know that not only will a North Korean Taepodong-2 hit the throne of the Antichrist within minutes, but it can also reach those Cuban bastards nearly as quickly.

Hooyah!!

Yep, and my Fatwa friends said they can have some made especially just for me this week if I want them:



Which I do.

That will get those Cuban bastards to finally notice my lovely blog.

:p

The "Repent!!! The End is Near!!" Offensive

So um, no offense to those of you who are enjoying living out your happy little lives of decadence and sin, and I hate to be the one to have to burst your happy little rainbow filled bubble of denial, but um, "The End" really is coming sooner than you think and well, I'm afraid you are totally running out of time to repent so you better hurry the fuck up before it's too late!!!!!!!

Don't look at me like that.

I am not preaching at you. I am just being honest.

Hey, don't think that "He" doesn't know about your freaky clown porn fetish or the fact that you probably found my blog by Googling "how to self torture my testicles" either, you weirdo.

Yep, just like Google aka the Antichrist, He knows EVERYTHING you do and you will have to answer for it all sooner than you think.

Including that weird shit you did with your cousins when you were twelve.

In fact, you might want to hit confession twice, just to be safe!!

Hey, I'm serious.

You better take heed of my warning and do it before it is too late and you find yourself suddenly being hurled into the lake of fire and brimstone to writhe for all eternity.

I mean, come on, is clown porn and DIY testicle torture worth risking your ever living soul for?!!

Ugh.

OK, so maybe some of the clown porn is, but definitely not testicle torture.

Well, unless it is testicle torture done with a car battery and a piece of rusty barbed wire while your cousins watch in awe and disgust, but still.

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., how can you be so sure that the end is really around the corner?!".

Welllll, late last night, Jesus himself told me in plain English all about how the end is near when he and I were alone down at his taco truck.

OK, so technically he was speaking Spanish, but I am pretty sure he was moaning something about how he was ready to come again and I totally believe him.

You should, too!!

:)

Chelle B.

The "I'd Hit That!" Offensive

You know, I was GOING to write about how I am sick of hearing about the upcoming election and how I think it is such bullshit that if I don't vote for the socialistic black guy I am a racist and if I don't vote for the creepy old fascist dude and his brain dead "you betcha!" bimbo of a running mate I am a ageist and a sexist, but instead I decided to forget all about who my apathetic non vote will offend and pose to you a much more important and thought provoking question.

OK, so, let's say these were the last two straight men on earth and you are either the last woman or the last gay man alive with them.

Which one of these drooling, dueling banjo boys would you hit first?

Or, would you tag team them both at the same time??

Come on, don't be shy, I won't tell!!

Oh, and just so you know, I'd take the one on the left first.

No, the one on the right.

Oh hell, I'd tag team them both, who am I kidding?

Hooyah!!

:)

Chelle B.

The "My Campaign to Save Greenland!!" Offensive

OK, so I am pretty sure that I am over being pissed off at and highly offended by those Inuit bastards who inhabit that godforsaken land of ice and snow which is ironically called Greenland.

Oh, sure, I am still bitter, but I refilled my Thorazine prescription so I am not feeling as homicidal about it anymore and I am slowly coming to realize that it can not be that they just don't like me or my lovely blog, there has to be something else going on, right?

Right.

I mean, there just has to be a valid excuse for their insolence and because I have such an obsessive compulsive yet incredibly forgiving nature, I decided to dedicate the next few days to understanding why the fuck it is that Greenland continues to fucking ignore me.

It can't be that they are just a bunch of fucking bastards, can it???!!!!!!

Because they are, but still.

I forgive them.

So... anyhoo, after getting all hopped up on Ritalin and Rockstar, I spent less than five minutes yesterday doing some serious, half-assed research on Google and Wikipedia and learned a bit about Greenland's history and their serious lack of modern day technology but then I got utterly bored and decided to turn on some Rammstein and watch fighter jets crash and burn on YouTube for about twelve hours instead.



Hooyah!!

Don't look at me like that.

I can't help it if I enjoy watching FA-18's and F-16's crash with Feuer Frei playing in the background!

Don't act like you don't enjoy it, too.

Weirdo.

Anyway, I did come to the sad realization that Greenland needs me a whole hell of a lot more than I need them.

Seriously!

I mean, honestly, have you seen the 2008 Miss Universe contestant from there??


Yeaaahhhh, I know. That alone has given me the incentive to help those poor bastards out.

Yep, I am on a mission and even if I have to fly over in a fucking C-130 and drop ship old computers, routers, webcams and scanners (hey, they will want to upload naked pics and webcam with each other, right?!) I am going to bring technology to Greenland once and for all so they can finally fucking visit my blog!!

Ugh.

In fact, I even made this campaign poster to show my dedication:


See??

I told you I am dedicated and honestly, I really don't have time to hang out here, I have to save Greenland.

Welllllllllllllllll.... after I watch some more jet fighters crash.

YouTube has hours of that shit!!!

Hooyah again!!

:)

Chelle B.

The "Buzz, Buzz Bitches!" Offensive

As soon as I got word that Chelle B. had gotten kidnapped, I hatched a rescue plan. Being half-assed and not well thought out I felt pretty confident I would succeed. Her last known location was the Aussie Outback, and no, not the restaurant.

So I decided to grab a plane ticket and head over to the land that is down under - aka the globe’s nut sack. I would have to be careful in that harsh land because that place is the home of x-generation 18th century British prisoners, blokes, and kangaroos. I couldn’t even imagine what other dangers Chelle was facing....

I headed off to the airport, grabbed my ticket, lugged my bags and reached the security posts. Everything was moving smoothly until they got to me. I guess according to their color wheel terrorist gradient system, if you are darker than caramel then you are suspected of having either at least one terrorist item in your bags (they have a list of terrorist items) or tools to make custom shanks while in the air and therefore have to be subjected to a routine cavity search.

Good thing I only packed undies, vodka, rope, some gummi bears, Chelle’s favorite Hello Kitty sex toy, some hooks, night vision goggles, anti-aussie spray, some black masks, leather gloves, a lighter, cabana boy sun oil, and croc boots.

After twelve hours of having my anal cavity probed by three large airport workers, who, ironically, were all named Achmed, I decided maybe flying wasn't a good choice.

Being resourceful and knowing Chelle’s tastes, I decided to steal a yacht and cruise my way down to Australia, instead.

So I headed down to Cali, land of the rich pricks.

Apparently, to steal a yacht all you have to tell some rich prick is that you are rich, too, and that you have rich friends and your rich friends are Charlie Sheen and Colin Farrel and that your rich friends were partying too hard and stuck a dead hooker in the engine gears of your yacht and now it needs repairing and is in the shop.

And Voila!

A free yacht.

Of course, I didn't know how to drive the fucking thing, but it didn't matter.

I was on a mission!

(To be continued....)

This post was written by fellow humor blogger Armando "The Fly" Torres.
You can find him wearing his big boy pants at his blog, After Dinner Mint.

The "Suicide Support" Offensive

According to the Camden Journal online, this piece by Paul Day is described as "a businessman falling, or jumping, from a crowded Underground platform while a Grim Reaper figure drives a train towards him – all reflected in a giant pair of sunglasses.", and was targeted for removal from a local train station due to the fact that it was deemed "too offensive" to train conductors, suicide victim's families and suicide support groups.

Now, call me crazy, but shouldn't suicide support types want this sort of art in the public eye?

It seems to me like they aren't very capable champions of the cause.

Between you and me, I think that all train stations should have that sculpture displayed every hundred yards or so.

Hey, don't look at me like that.

There are far too many miserable, suit wearing bastards out there as it is and we'd all be better off if they would just suicide themselves and decrease the surplus population!!

Come on, you know it would be great for the economy.

:)

Chelle B.

The "Do Not Molest the Jews!!!" Offensive

No offense, but for the life of me I can not understand why it is that people in positions of authority feel that it is their duty to impose upon us some of the most asinine rules! I am convinced that it gives them a hard on knowing that they wield so much power over us all. For instance, take a look at that sign.

Now I know you and you would never think of molesting any of the fauna at Yellowstone Park, would you??

I didn't think so.

Neither would I!!

In fact, the thought of molesting a buffalo or a grizzly bear did not even cross my mind until I saw that sign telling me that it was prohibited, and frankly, I am the rebellious type so whenever someone tells me that I can't do a thing, it makes me immediately plot ways to circumvent the rule.

That's right, and signs like that obviously create a conundrum for me. Not to mention only further corrupts my rather delicate psyche.

Ugh.

I mean, honestly, it offends me that they assume that I would molest the wildlife that I love so much here.

You know, I bet you that they assume that those of us who can't afford to fly in our own private leer jet out of Jackson Hole, Wyoming must be high risk molesters and therefore need to be warned against perpetrating acts of depraved sexuality upon the moose and deer.

I know!!!

Bastards.

They might as well just say what they mean:

"CHELLE B. WE KNOW YOU ARE A TWISTED PERVERT!!"

I am, but still!

Now, call me vindictive, but I've been getting a little revenge these past few days by adding this ridiculous rule to various signs around town just so I don't feel singled out:

Yep, that was my handiwork.

So was this:

OK, I'm kidding, that one wasn't really mine. It was already there.

Apparently there is a Neo-Nazi pamphlet being passed around town called "The Indispensable Guide to Jew Molestation" so the local Yiddish population here is taking extra measures to protect themselves.

Yeah. I read that entire guide, front to back, twice, and believe me, it tells you every way possible to molest a Jew.

Weirdos.

Oh, and I am not responsible for this one either, but it is funny...

...and makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

I bet the French rugby team hangs out there when they are in town.

Ugh.

Anyhoo, this one is mine and I claim it proudly:


Hey, don't look at me like that!

It's true and I can't help it if being spiteful makes me feel better or helps take my mind off the urge to molest a giant, well hung buffalo up at the Fishing Bridge.

Now excuse me, I need to go hit the taco truck and molest Jesus.

Twice.

He reallllllly fucking loves it.

:)

Chelle B.

The "A Pagan Penis in Mormon Country" Offensive

This is a statue of the Fertility god Kokopelli and unlike me, it has a penis. However, much like me, Kokopelli was living quite happily for years deep within the bowels of Mormon territory, happy to ignore their hypocrisy and take in the views. For many moons, there he stood, entertaining visitors in front of the Cedars State Park Museum in Blanding, Utah.

Until the "Values Committee" was formed. The pitchforks came out and the torches were lit. Kokopelli's days were numbered.

Now then, can you guess what happened to this cheerful little well endowed, flute playing agent of the devil??

Was he:

1) Dismantled and his parts used to decorate the 890th Mormon church that had recently been built within a 20 mile radius of said museum?

2) Cast into a fiery furnace which represented eternal hellfire in order to avoid provoking the wrath of demigod Joseph Smith's ghost (who, if he were still inhabiting his mortal shell, and not risen to celestial immortality, would undoubtedly be highly offended by the sight of a flute playing statue sporting a larger phallus than his own)?

3) Removed from public view, despite a local resident making the following incredibly sane remark:

"Kokopelli is just a statue," she said. "Give me a break. It's not like a massive erection like some of the ones you see on the panels. It's nothing like that."

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., what panels is she talking about?! Where are these massive erections that she alludes to??!!".

Well, I'm not sure, but believe me, I sure the fuck am on a mission now to find out!!

Hooyah!!

I'll post pics when I can, alright?

;)

Chelle B.

The "Greenland, You Suck and I Hate You" Offensive

No offense if you are one of my regular readers, but you can just ignore this post completely and skip down to read the other posts which are all about me being held in an Afghani prison camp, and Angry Clown's pus filled boomerang, and how Qelqoth is delusional and THINKS he rules the world (including Greenland, which he doesn't grrr!!!), and other stuff like that, because this one is not written for you.

It is actually written for all of those bastards in Greenland who think they are better than me.

Which they aren't.

They just think they are.

Because, as everyone knows, they are arrogant bastards like that. That's right, and this post is going to set them all straight once and for fucking all because, well, someone has to have the balls to tell them and unlike you, I don't really care what Greenland thinks of me.

Or whether they ever visit my blog.

Hey, I'm serious! I don't need them. I have millions of other international visitors who are not only more worthy, but are most likely much better looking and much smarter than everyone in Greenland put together!

Not to mention the billions of fans I have right here in the good ol' red white and blue U S of A!!

I mean, between you and me, I really don't even want anyone from that godforsaken country of Greenland visiting my blog and leaving their inuit cooties all over it.

You and I both know that they probably don't properly wash up after their sick baby seal bashing orgies.

Hey, I watch the National Geographic Channel! I've seen where those sick Greenlandic bastards take blood stained clubs and crack the innocent little skulls of innocent little baby seals open and eat their brains and then having sick, Satanic orgies with each other while smearing themselves with the bloody innards.

Ugh.

Not to mention they are all jealous of me and of Idaho.

Don't give me that look, it's true!!

You probably don't know this, because you spend all your time looking at clown porn, but there has always been a deep seated jealousy between us and them.

Why?!!

Heh.

Well, a few reasons, really.

For one, they think they have the market on suicidal thought inducing winters and jaw droppingly gorgeous picture postcard scenery but let me tell you, we fucking blow them out of the water!!

Have you seen the Grand Tetons?!?!

Well, OK, so technically the Grand Tetons are in Wyoming, but hey, I live on the Wyoming border in Idaho and I can see them and believe me, by November the sight of them and all that fucking snow makes me not only drop my jaw but it also makes me quite suicidal, thank you very much!!

They don't even start to get suicidal up there until January because, let's face it, they are a bunch of pussies.

So are their bears.

That's right, our grizzly bears could kick all their polar bear's asses and I am not afraid to say it.

What, are they going to issue some sort of Greenlandic Fatwa on me for saying it??!

Ha!

Don't make me laugh.

They wouldn't even know how to issue a Fatwa, but I sure the fuck can!!

In fact, I may have to issue one against them because they think they are too good to visit my lovely blog.

I hate them all.

Oh! And do you know what else makes them jealous of me and Idaho???

That's right, we have much better looking men here and they can't stand it!!!

Their men are all fat, ugly, Eskimo types and...

....ugh.

Damn.

See??

I told you, our men are good looking!!!

I mean...

Yeah.

Damn.

They only dream about having men as good looking as ours in Greenland, but they don't.

Because they suck.

Yep, and they all look like that, here, too.

Every.

Last.

One.

Of.

Them.

Damn.

Oh, um, heh. Sorry, I'm going to have to finish this letter to all of you Greenland bastards later. I uh, have some stuff that needs fixed and I have to, uh, hire some local help to get it done.

Yeah.

Fuck Greenland anyway.

Who needs them??

Not me!!

:)

Chelle B.

The "Chelle's Mine Bitches and I Got The Crabs to Prove it!" Offensive

You know, its times like these that I'm glad I spent 20 of my 26 years I've been alive as an Afghani prisoner of war. I first saw Chelle B. when my captives brought her in to my cell and I knew at that moment I had to escape and save her from the sexual torture that I enjoyed so much...

...er.. I mean that I hated so much.

Damn keyboard!!

After several hours of masturbation (hey, don't judge me, it helps me think!) I came up with the perfect plan and dressed accordingly for my escape but unfortunately it didn't work so after several more hours of masturbation, and applying liberal amounts of self punishment, I discovered that the cell I was in didn't have a lock or a guard for that matter and the cell was actually a McDonald's.

Yes, the Afghani's are weird that way. Don't judge them either.

Later that night, Chelle B. and I made our escape, and initially my plan was to set her free, like a beautiful bird that has been nursed back to health after spending a week in my small intestines and getting stuck when I fell on it while I was naked.

But I just couldn't do it!! She was just too captivating, and unless you count the times I had been gang raped by Achmed and his friends, I was still a virgin and between you and me, when you are as old as I am, you start to doubt your chances of ever losing your virginity, so I knew this could be my only chance!

As you can see, twenty years of fighting off Achmed and his Falafel boys had taken it's toll on me, and chances were I'd never get a woman the old fashioned way so I soon embarked on the most ambitious adventure I have ever been on. I was determined to save us both, with Chelle B. neatly tucked away in my canoe that I stole from a blind beggar.

Hey, I told you to stop judging me five paragraphs ago, didn't I? He was blind, what the f*ck was he going to do with a canoe?!

So, I decided I would paddle from Afghanistan to my home land of Australia and make Chelle B. my bogan bride, hoping she wouldn't get too fat the first year after marriage.

Bogan brides are famous for that.

After a few hours of paddling, we finally reached Brisbane (I'm a real fast paddler when my virginity is at stake) I couldn't wait to get Chelle B. back to my cabin deep in the Aussie outback and have her make me her bitch!

Sadly, it was not meant to be.

During our journey, my balls had become incredibly itchy and deformed, and my 'boomerang' had gone red with a little green on the tip and I had no idea what was wrong!!

Sadly, I fear now that I contracted the dreaded Afghani crabs, all thanks to that dirty Achmed and his Falafel boys. Chelle B. was so disgusted that she fled into the night, and is probably deep in the outback now, scared and alone, trying to forget the horrors of what she saw and wishing she was safely back in the arms of her beloved taco truck man, Jesus.

Either that or the falafel van returned for her because Qelqoth, in his infinite wisdom and high on power now, probably tipped them off and they have taken Chelle back to Afghanistan to do Allah knows what with the poor thing.

Damn you falafel terrorists, damn you to helllllll!!!!!!

I may never lose my virginity now, and my boomerang will probably fall off soon, too.

Will Chelle escape?

Will Qelqoth get what he deserves?

Will my boomerang heal?

Find out on the next exciting installment of The Offended Blogger!

Oh, and while you are waiting, click over to Angry Clown and see how my boomerang is doing.

The "Chelle B. is Dead. I Am Your New Overlord!!" Offensive

Loyal visitors of The Offended Blogger will undoubtedly be aware that its respective author has recently developed unhealthy inclinations towards the food of God (i.e. the falafel).

In recent times, Chelle B. has become attracted to the seemingly innocuous van parked near her home and the inviting aroma of fresh falafels. What she didn't know was this; the van was sent by Islamic militants who thus far, were angered by her mockery of their faith. As far as they were concerned, it was their turn.

As their vengeful mole, I slowly wormed my way into her midst under the subtle guise of a fellow humorist. I used her chat room to find pictures of her home, her surroundings and her natural habitat.

As we laughed idly, I forwarded chat logs onto Fariq Mustafa, head of the Anti-Offended Blogger Alliance. Using state of the art technology (i.e. sundial, compass), Fariq gathered essential information that would lead to the capture of the infidel. Everything went according to plan.

At 3pm this afternoon, Chelle B. was captured following a visit to the falafel van. When she reached out her hand to offer the salesman a dollar, a group of religious extremists subdued her with chloroform, taking the incapacitated writer into the convoy.

To the best of my knowledge, the convoy's last stop was Afghanistan. I'm not entirely sure whether she is dead but I do know they planned to do...weird things with her.

As reward for her capture, I have been given The Offended Blogger to do with as I please. Rest assured, I will spare you your lives but welcome you as part of my global deprogramming regime: The Cult of Qelqoth.

As you can observe from the image insets, my plot to control this planet is already underfoot. Children as young as five will be subjected to subliminal messages [SUBSCRIBE TO HIM – HE IS THE ONE TRUE GOD] while stubborn atheists are tortured to within an inch of their lives for insubordination.

Using The Offended Blogger as my template will mean looks of distaste, particularly from my Islamic allies...but I have always upheld the firm belief that you need to get your hands dirty if you need to get a job done.

Incidentally, we will start with the removal of The Offended Blogger's banner. Once a new logo is in place, we can do with you what we are already doing with children worldwide. Remember – we are building a brighter future, a better tomorrow. Thank you. End transmission.



---

Disclaimer: Qelqoth appears courtesy of The Cult of Qelqoth. Please feel free to visit him there. Incidentally, Chelle B. isn't really dead although she's probably traumatised by all this. God bless her. Leave her lots of comments to help cheer her up.

The "Caption This Evil Jack-o-lantern!!" Offensive

Whoo-hooooo, oh yeah, Halloween is coming! Why am I excited?! Um, because MY birthday is the day after Halloween!! Yep, on All Saint's Day. (Stop laughing - I too am a saint, dammit!!!!!!) OK, not really, but that gives you exactly 23 days to shop for my birthday and no offense, but you better get me something good. With fancy wrapping and stuff!! Otherwise you may find out just how Unsaintly I can be!! :p

So, to celebrate the coming of Halloween and my birthday (which is the day after Halloween, on All Saint's Day mind you, did I mention that already? I did? Did you mark your calendar? Oh, well that's alright, I'll wait............................................................. Done?? Thanks!!)

Uh, where was I? Oh yeah! While we wait for my birthday to get here, why not caption this evil Jack-o-lantern picture for me:

Oh, and in lieu of presents for my birthday, which is the day after Halloween on All Saint's Day, you could just clicky-click below and vote for me as THE Humor Blogger of the Year. :)

The "Free Speech and Free Tacos for All!!" Offensive

Hey, fellow offenders, guess what?!! Yesterday was a monumental day in the ongoing battle against the easily offended in this great nation of ours!! That's right, the Supreme Court upheld a ruling in Arizona that on the surface may seem inconsequential, but in the bigger scheme of things it is just one small step toward victory for us all and a giant leap for freedom of speech nationwide. Here is an excerpt from a TOTALLY unbiased article on the case:

In arguing for the state, James Morrow, an assistant state attorney general, previously said "The state must have the power to decline to express viewpoints that it does not wish to express."

"Many Arizonans may be offended if they believe that Arizona is sponsoring a pro-choice message, just as many Arizonans may be offended if they believe that Arizona is sponsoring a pro-life message," he said.

OK, so my source isn't exactly unbiased, but still!

At the heart of the matter was this rather adorable and innocent and happy-go-lucky looking license plate:

Awwwwwww, I know!!

I told you it was adorable.

Of course, it is a little too adorable and upbeat to go on MY monster truck, but I could totally see it gracing the back of this guy's car:

OK, not really.

But you know, I still don't understand what all the fuss is about or why the members of the Supreme Court had to be drug off of their cushy nursing home tennis courts to rule on this frivolous lawsuit.

I mean, if I were in charge of making license plates worthy of offending the masses and being challenged all the way to the Supreme Court, and forcing the Supreme Court Justices off of their cushy nursing home tennis courts, they would sure be a whole hell of a lot better than that one!

For instance, mine would look something like:

Ohhhh yeahhhhh.

Well I am!!

Of course, I wouldn't limit myself to just making one offensive license plate, nor would I limit myself to messages about adorable, innocent and happy-go-lucky children, either.

As you know, I am an equal opportunity offender:



I dare you to give me one good reason not to!!

Think about it, there are an infinite number of events and people and animals that I could draw inspiration from:

Well they did!!

Then they blamed it on my poor Fatwa friends:

Heh.

Don't listen to them, they lie!!

Believe me, the Jews make them say that.

They control the world, you know.

And Hollywood!!

:(

Anyhoo, since I am a huge supporter of Darwinism, I would definitely have to make some like this:



That's right!!

Let natural selection do the frigging job that God intended it to do and decrease the surplus population.

Survival of the fittest is very biblical, dammit.

Oh, and speaking of that!! Being the old fashioned kind of girl that I am, I'd have to make one just for my friends down south:

Hey, don't give me that look.

I'm all for bringing back child slavery, too!! White handicapped children even!!

Oh, and don't even get me started on these losers:

OK, I admit it, that was a bit mean.

Even though it's true and you know it!!!

They are no more special than you or I and it is time we stopped elevating them up there like they are special.

Because they're not.

Ugh.

Look, I am a bleeding heart liberal so I can't help it if I feel that everyone should be treated equally!!

We are ALL special.

Yep, we ALL deserve to have guilt inspired, non-taxable, charitable contributions of immense proportions made to all of us in order to fund our favorite weekend and after school activities.

I mean, I don't know about you, but I'm all for getting free bullets, taco truck tacos, sticky "incense" money and new tires for my monster truck!!

Hooyah!!

Then I would be able to run over these losers (who drive 20 miles an hour on the way to Yellowstone, in their little annoying out-of-state cars, annoying the f*ck out of me, thinking they are better than me just because they fought off Nazis and Fascists and stuff!!!):

OK, you're right, they aren't all cowards.

Just the ones who drive off into the ditch because my giant monster truck zooming up on their ass in their rear view mirror reminds them of one of Hitler's Panzerkampfwagens so they have flashbacks and try to take cover.

Hey, it's purely coincidental that I painted it camouflage and bought a grille that looks like a Panzerkampfwagen!!

Sissies.

You know, even though I do enjoy scaring the old WWII veteran tourists and am all for decreasing their surplus population, I'd much rather run this easily offended bastard into a ditch with my camouflage, Panzerkampfwagen grilled monster truck:

But only because of his bumper stickers.

I frigging HATE communism!!

:)


Chelle B.

The "Time is on my side, yes it is..." Offensive

So the other day, I was talking to Ryan Garns (don't tell him but I have a major crush on his blog, RyanGarns.com) and during our conversation we were reminiscing about growing up in the 80's, and how we were both huge fans of shows like Moonlighting and Benny Hill and especially all of the offensive stuff on SNL. Now, I don't know about you, but to this day I can't help but laugh my ass off whenever I think of this:



I know!! It is frigging hilarious.

People would never let him get away with that now, but back in the 80's we laughed at stuff like that all the time because weren't so easily offended!

Man, I miss those days.

:(

Anyhoo, so then, me and Ryan Garns, (who writes RyanGarns.com which I still have a major crush on!), started talking about where some of our favorite 80's actors and actresses are today and how well they are holding up, or not, and I suddenly realized that I have officially reached the age where I am no longer considered "in my prime" according to those perverted bastards who run Hollywood.

Yep, my childhood dream of becoming a rich and famous actress is now shattered.

I mean, wtf?!

How the hell could I have known back then that my prime age for having a Hollywood career ended in 1982?!



Honestly, had I known then what I know now, I would have packed my Hello Kitty suitcase, headed out to Hollywood, bought fake tits and got a nose job and by twelve I would have been waiting tables at Hooters hoping that some wrinkly, old, Jewish movie producer would come in and 'discover' my aspiring self.

Or, ya know, at least shove a twenty down my aspiring cleavage and/or grab my aspiring ass!

Ugh.

But nooo, my chances for that are over.

Finished.

Oh, believe me, that sort of thing used to happen to me a lot, even though I never did make it to Hollywood. But lately, I've noticed that hardly any wrinkly, old, Jewish movie producers grab my ass or shove twenties down my cleavage. In fact, they barely even notice me now.

Well... unless I put on a thong and strut around on the beach:


Then EVERYBODY notices me.

Hey, don't be jealous, I can't help it if they follow me around taking pictures of me!

They still don't consider me casting couch material though and all because of my age.

:(

Thanks, I knew you'd understand.

Well, and Ryan from my favorite blog ever, RyanGarns.com, understood how I felt and he even assured me that if HE was a wrinkly, old, Jewish movie producer, and as long as Angelina Jolie wasn't around, HE would consider me casting couch material.

Yeah, so that made me feel a bit better. :)

He also suggested that if I really want a shot at a career in Hollywood, I should consider becoming an old, wrinkly, Jewish movie producer myself because there is no age limit for that career:



I know!!

I thought that was a brilliant plan.

I mean, think about it, if I did that, not only could I get away with grabbing aspiring asses and shoving twenties down aspiring cleavages at Hooters, but I use cool Yiddish words like shlong and shmeckle, too!

Ooooh and I could also hook up with this guy:

Oyyyy Veyyyyy!!

I'd be all over his kosher self.

Then again... if I am going to go through all the trouble it would take to make it in Hollywood as a wrinkly, old Jewish movie producer, I think I'd rather just move to Israel and join the IDF instead:

Oyyyyyy Veyyyyyy again!!!

Seriously, though, when I was a little girl, growing up in the 80's, all I really ever wanted to be was an IDF soldier.

Don't look at me like that!

It's true!!

Hey, I can't help it if doing this appeals to me:

Hmmm, I wonder what the cut-off age is for that career??

:)

Chelle B.

This post was was written for the Humor Carnival and also was sponsored by T-Shirt Hell, where they sell highly offensive stuff like this:

Even Ryan Garns would approve of that one. ;)

PLEEASSSE CLICK BELOW AND VOTE FOR ME FOR THE HUMOR BLOGGER OF THE YEAR AWARD!!!

The "RIP You Horny Bastard!" Offensive

OK, so this is going to probably offend all of you Obama supporting, metrosexual animal lovers who pay ungodly amounts of money dressing your chihuahuas up like Paris Hilton and entering them into "I Have the Gayest Eunuch Dog!" contests, but I will have you know that I am reallllllly depressed after having to shoot one of my favorite pets this week in order to put him out of my misery.

That's right!

I put a bullet right in his little head.

Hey, don't look at me like that, someone had to do it! Believe me, even though I've done it before, and will probably do it again someday, it isn't something I enjoy doing and it was very traumatic for me, so I'd appreciate it if you just gave me some room to grieve and wear black and listen to my new Metallica CD and stuff.

He and I were very close, you know.

:(

OK, that isn't exactly true and it wasn't all that traumatic, well, for me at least, because between you and me, I felt like that little bastard deserved it!

He was trouble with a capital "T" from day one:

Yeah, and he did, too!

Every frigging chance he got!!!

Ugh.

OK, I admit it, when he was little it was kinda cute but like with all pets, although he may have started out doing EVERYTHING cute, by the time he was full grown, with a ballsack the size of a pair of bowling balls, pissing all over his beard and trying to breed with every living and non-living entity within proximity of his pen, any affection I may have had for him had completely worn off and was replaced by sheer disgust.

Especially when he got close enough to headbutt me in the ass because that hurt!!

Not to mention the fact that he really smelled badly.

In fact, him and his billy goat aroma and amorous ways, not to mention his affinity for trying to breed any and everything within reach, including my horses, is what led to his demise!

Apparently, he used his gigantic goat penis to knock the fence down that separated him and my mare, and since she has better taste than to sex up a smelly billy goat with a urine stained beard, she kicked the f*cker and broke his leg in a thousand places, leaving him dazed and confused and, knowing him, probably even more aroused and determined.

Yep, so of course I was left to finish the job.

Which I did.

I MEAN I had to shoot him to put him out of his misery! Man, you are such a pervert!!

Anyhoo, I did it while all the other goats were watching, just to send a message that Chelle B. will not tolerate being headbutted in the ass by ANY of those horny bastards anymore!!

Believe me, they are afeared of me now:

Yes. I. Am.

Of course, as soon as I showered twelve times to get the billy goat stink and blood off of me, I went in the Humor Bloggers chat room for sympathy and told my friend Bee all about how I had to shoot my goat... and do you know that her first words WEREN'T, "Oh, Chelle, I am so sorry! Are YOU alright???".

Oh, noooo, do you know what she asked me???!!!

"Chelle, what did you do with the meat?!"

I KNOW!!

WTF?!!!

I was speechless, too.

Everyone knows that goats are not made of meat, they are made of, well, meat but I sure the hell wouldn't eat it!

Only weirdos and Satan worshippers eat goat:



Plus, even if I were a weirdo or still a Satan worshipper, my goats are wayyyy too frigging cute to eat. Even the big smelly ones of the penile persuasion.

Oh, believe me, I know I should have called my ACLU certified Jewish lawyer to sue her ass for impeding on my civil rights, as it was quite offensive for her to say that about my poor goat, but I am not like that. I don't sue over petty things and I don't want you think badly of her, because honestly, despite having a sick and twisted mind, I really think Bee, deep down, is a very sweet person.

Uh, or not!!

I guess I better rethink my stance on calling my ACLU certified Jewish lawyer up to tell him how she is impeding on my civil rights by offending me, because she just sent me this picture and LOL'd at me:


UGH!!!!

I am telling you, if I see her driving up and down my street with a knife and fork in hand, I am afraid I am going to have to skip the law suit altogether and just use my Hello Kitty sniper rifle to impede on her civil rights and put her out of my misery!!!

Frigging Satan worshipping goat eaters.

:p

Chelle B.

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CLICK OVER AND VOTE FOR ME AS HUMOR BLOGGER OF THE YEAR:

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