A St. Paul man was sentenced to probation Thursday for throwing his ex-girlfriend’s 60-pound bulldog off of a balcony to its death last August. Police said 43-year-old Donnie Dornseif was drunk when he let himself into his ex-girlfriend’s apartment, and killed the animal in front of his six-year-old daughter. Now since we’ve all been in that position before, I feel that it is not my place to judge this offender, but I have to be honest here and say that if I had the opportunity to throw a dog off of a balcony again, it sure the hell wouldn’t be a bulldog!! They are just too frigging cute!! I mean seriously, just look at this face:
Go on, say it with me – awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, you tell me, could YOU throw that little cutie pie off a balcony?? Even if he pissed on your carpet, shit in your shoes and ate your couch??!!
I know!! No way in hell could any sane human being throw a bulldog off a balcony, right?
Right!
Plus, everyone knows that bulldogs start out all innocent and adorable and cuddly-wuddly but grow into fiercesome-looking killers worthy of being a school mascot or beer logo or even turned into a badass tattoo:
Heh.
Much like moi.
What?! I am too worthy of being a reform school mascot or a beer logo or a tattoo!!
Oh! And not to mention that you can’t find a more loyal sidekick than a good old bulldog:
Hmmm, which is really not like moi at all.
Seriously, I sure the hell wouldn’t stick around like that! Oh noooo, I’d be 4 blocks away, humping on a hooker’s leg, or pissing on some poor Arab’s hot dog cart, pretending I didn’t know any of those crack selling motherfuckers.
Hooyah!!
Well, and knowing me, if I were one of those crackheads and my not-so-loyal companion bulldog bailed on me when the fuzz showed up, as soon as I got out of prison I’d sure be tempted to throw his ass off a balcony.
But I am an exception to the rule so anyone (other than me) who would throw a bulldog off a balcony deserves to be knocked out cold with a baseball bat, stripped naked with his ass covered in Alpo wet food and left alone for three days with this gay poodle:
That’s right.
Of course, between you and me, that is just the sort of dog that I would throw off a balcony if given a chance!! I frigging hate those dogs!!
Hey, don’t look at me like that. I can’t help it if gay poodles trigger my primal, animalistic tendencies and incite me to do violence against them!
It isn’t just them, either.
Chihuahuas do the same thing to me:
Ugh!!!!
Look, I don’t care how frigging cute he is, those little yapping bastards all need to be booted off of every available cliff, curb, balcony and speedbump as far as I am concerned!!
And don’t try to give me the whole, “but Chelle B. you only hate them because they are Mexican and you’re a racist!!“.
Ha!
I don’t care what their nationality is, I hate ANY dog that will do shit like bark at his own shadow or tear up the couch, or pee on the drapes, or decide they don’t want to be locked in the back bedroom without food or water while you leave for Vegas for a week:
Ungrateful bastards!
Ooooh, and I especially hate the breeds that refuse to respect your privacy and always want to watch, or worse, join in, when you are getting down and dirty with your husband or the taco slinging father of at least one of your illegitimate children:
Heh.
Rusty was just lucky that we didn’t have a balcony back then because it might have been a much slower and much more painful death than being tied to the fence and used for target practice.
Anyhoo, it isn’t so much the breed of the dog, but whether or not they are cool.
Take my dog, Fred, for instance:
Now honestly, do you think he gives me any reason to throw him off the balcony??
OK, except for when he busts into my stash of Alaskan Thunderfuck or drinks my Patrone but that rarely happens anymore.
Not since the last time I dangled his drunk ass from the balcony and showed him who was boss!
Saturday, January 17th, 2009, 8:26 pm | 
Animal Rights Offensives, Idiot Offensives | 
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