DEAR ABBY CHELLE B.: I am a 21-year-old man in college. I am training for a profession I will love, and I know my future will be very bright.
I would like to volunteer at a soup kitchen or do something for the poor. I have done turkey drives and food drives before, but never worked directly with the people I’m trying to help. My problem is I tend to become very sad or feel helpless when I’m around disadvantaged people. I identify too strongly with their suffering.
Abby Chelle B., I want to help as many people as I can during my short time on this planet, but I’m paralyzed by their pain. Is something wrong with me? Have you any suggestions? — WANTS TO HELP.
Dear Wants to Help,
Awwww, I think it is a noble thing for you to want to be such a good Samaritan and no, I don’t think there is anything wrong with you!!
In fact, I feel much the same way when I am around disadvantaged people.
Of course, I don’t have the desire to help them, I just have an urge to get the fuck away from them as fast as I possibly can because between you and me, I know for a fact that most of them are schizophrenic, psychopathic, cannibalistic serial killers who are off their Thorazine and are liquored up and hopped up on crack and out there just waiting to butcher innocent do-gooders like me.
And you!!
It’s true!
Especially those loner white motherfuckers in their mid-30′s. You know, the ones that look like this guy:
Stay far, far, FAR away from them!! Statistically he is the one who will be eating WANTS TO HELP ass roast while wearing a WANTS TO HELP skin suit ten minutes after you show up to deliver him a Meal on Wheels.
Ugh.
Now, if you can’t control your urge to want to help the lunatic fringe, I suggest that you go about it a different way.
You see, no one but me has the balls to tell you that feeding and housing and making sure they get their daily dose of meds is actually the WORST thing you can do for them and society as a whole.
Don’t look at me like that. Take your rose colored Ray Bans off for just a minute and hear me out.
Do you think they enjoy living their lives each day unkempt and disheveled, wading through their own filth in a one room hovel or sleeping in some back alley dumpster with the voice of their dead grandma in their ear constantly telling them to turn the rest of us into a human stew??
Hell no!
If you really want to help, and I know you do, then live the rest of your charmed life pretending they don’t exist and let those crazy serial killing bastards starve and die off.
OR, better yet, do what I did and get ahold of some arsenic and join Meals on Wheels and do the right thing.
Tuesday, January 13th, 2009, 8:37 am | 
Dear Abby Offensives, Lunatic Offensives | 
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