That’s right, and I don’t care who I offend with this one because this is about ME and I want some reparations for all these years of psychological trauma now that I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that ALL, not some, but ALL of the men in the 1980′s were gay, gay, GAY!!! What’s worse, until 1986 every celebrity crush I had during my most formative sexual years was on a gay man and no, not on any of those ‘I don’t look gay because I’m in the closet so don’t ask don’t tell and I’ll marry a fat, ugly, manly looking woman with a butch haircut and sideburns just to fool you all into believing I am as heterosexual as Mr. Brady‘ sort of gay, either.
Oh nooo, all of my first crushes were on totally flamingly flamboyant gays who flaunted their gayness in my face but I was too young and naive and full of lust to even notice it. Plus, I didn’t even know what gay was then but I sure the hell do now and not only that, but I have PTSD over the fact that I used to want them sexually and someone is going to pay, dammit!!
Hey, don’t look at me like that.
It is very traumatic and it doesn’t make me a homophobe!
OK, maybe I am a homophobe, but I don’t care because frankly, any man who can put lipstick, eyeliner and spandex on and look better in it than me scares the shit out of me!!
Either way, I can tell you that a normal, healthy 13 year old girl should NOT have her walls and ceilings plastered with posters of flaming homosexuals thinking they are ‘real men’, and dreaming of having wild orgies and bearing their love children!!!
I mean, what the hell was I thinking??
Oh yeahhhhhhh, I remember what I was thinking!!
You know, though, I actually do owe credit to some of the gayest of the gay from back then with helping me to fine tune my gaydar, not to mention my taste in music!!
A lot of those fruity bastards probably saved me from a life of sadness by preventing me from falling in love and marrying the man of my dreams only to find out later that he wears my lingerie and hangs out at The Back Door disco club and sings karaoke behind my back.
Like I totally give these bastards a lot of credit:
Ugh.
Yep, thanks to those spandex sporting sodomites, I not only realized what REAL men were, but I also started listening to REAL music, which promoted healthy, heterosexual values.
Like devil worship and misogyny and heavy drug use:
Hooyah!!
I mean, honestly, if it hadn’t been for those fruitloops filling the 80′s with all their gooey, rainbowy gayness, I’d never have become these guy’s #1 fan, either, and we all know all they ever sing about is banging hot women and blowjobs and erm, well banging more hot women:
OK, so Angus does look a bit gay in his velvet schoolboy uniform, but believe me, he is NOT gay.
Oh, and that whole era of gayness also spawned some awesome speed metal bands who went out of their way to let us young, horny, nubile girls know that not all men in the 80′s were gay and that we could gang rape them backstage after the show anytime:
Not that I did!!
Heh.
Believe me, I would have, though, if I could have just clawed my way past those other 666 devil worshiping bitches to get backstage!!
I wasn’t as tough back then as I am now.
But now, I am afraid that all the trauma of those years is catching up with me and I think I’ve come full circle because for the last few years I’ve found myself totally infatuated with Rammstein and as much as I really, really, REALLY want to convince myself that those hot Nazis with their throbbing, pulsating, orgasmic industrial sound aren’t sodomizing one another, wellllllll…
Heh.
Hey, I don’t care if they are into Mann Gegen Mann. As long as the hubs lets me leave their posters up on the ceiling and bangs me hard while their music shatters the windows, I can pretend not to care!!!
Until I learn to speak German and find out what the hell they are really saying.
Friday, January 9th, 2009, 7:32 pm | 
Gay Offensives, Personal Offensives | 
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