The "Holy Barnacles!! No More Potty Mouth For Me!!" Offensive

18 Mar

I can’t believe it!! After 37 years of debasing myself (and anyone within earshot) with offensive verbosities suited only for the deepest bowels of Naval vessels, vomit stained back alleys, and cabs of 18 wheelers strewn with stained copies of Hustler and urine filled soda bottles, my soul searching has finally come to an end!!

I have found my calling.

From now on, you will not find me using any non-biblically sanctioned curse words or alluding to things like testicle torture, extreme sodomy, torrid affairs with Jesus or issuing Fatwas on things and people which piss me off.

It’s true!!!

Yep, I, Chelle B., have officially sold my soul over at The No Cussing Club and like any new convert, I now plan to annoy the fuck out of you proselytize you, and force you to take the “No Cussing Challenge” like I did.

Look, dammit, I am really only doing this for you because I know how much my offensive language offends your sensitive soul and makes your little eyes and ears bleed.

It’s OK, I’ve always known you were a bit of a sissy so I even started my very own Idaho Chapter of the No Cussing Club just so you could join with me:

See?!?!

I did it all for you.

Seriously!

So, you have to join. You owe me.

Plus, Jesus will love you if you do!!

Well, and I hate to break it to you, but you’ll be damned and burn for eternity if you don’t.

In HELL.

Writhing.

In pain!!

FOREVER!!!!!!!

Don’t look at me like that. We both know that I am more stubborn than an Old Testament ass, and like a New Testament whore I do not take no for an answer, so you might as well just give up and cut me a check RIGHT NOW for 10% of your (gross – not net!) wages and join my No Cussing cult.

Seriously, all the cool kids are doing it.

Heh.

I’m not leaving until you join.

If it makes you feel better, I plan to use your charitable contributions ONLY for noble and humanitarian purposes like…. saving baby kittens, clothing the homeless, and offensive graffiti removal.

Oh, yes, and if you act now and join in the next 5 minutes, I will also buy up every available copy of this awesomeriffic book from the “No Cussing E-Store” to deliver to all of the little foul-mouthed ghetto bastards out there who need healthy alternatives way more than I do:


OK, fine, I will probably use it for liquor, gambling, guns and some new Hello Kitty sex toys, but it’s the thought that counts.

Hooyah!!!

:)

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • Anonymous
    I lol'd
  • I did a story on the No Cussing Club a couple weeks back. I joined the club, got the certificate...all that shit.

    Anyhow, they found out about me AND KICKED ME OUT!! Fuck 'em

  • Aww, piss. We lost another one guys. Send in the FUCK BRIGADE! It might not be too late.
  • Dear alien who has taken over the body and mind of Chelle:

    Can you please do something about the ozone layer?
    And can you convince Taco Bell to bring back the Cheesy Gordita Crunch?


  • You can be just as offensive without as with cussing.
  • WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? I CHECK EVERY DAY! I NEED MY CHELLE FIX!!!
  • Anonymous
    Those sissy-ass little fucking bastards can just fuckin enjoy their club. Little do they know,they will all probably become the fucking supervisors of the fuckin kids that love themselves some cussin, you know, the ones who have the I.Q. scores of 100 or less and barely graduate from high school? Who the fuck will be laughing then? The Don't Cuss Club Kids, that's who, as they sign the paychecks and fill out the "He/She is a flaming "lame-ass" sections on the Former Cool Cussin Kid's annual job review. The Don't Cuss Club Kids will laugh until they fuckin puke as they log into their bank's site to verify their quadruple-per-month salary has hit their accounts, and laugh their asses off imagining the Cool Cussin Kids cashing in their paychecks and receiving change to use at the local laundrymat!
    Yeah, the stupid fuckin cussing kids can laugh their ass off now, because in a decade or so the will be so fucking exhausted from working 2 or 3 minimum wage jobs to be able to wipe the shit off their asses, much less laugh at those of superior intellect with superior vocabularies.
    You rock, Cool Cussing Kids! Thanks for digging those ditches, sucking the shit out of Port-o-potties and bussing the tables after I finish my $400 meal! Fuck, yeah!
    Ame I.


  • Listen, Chelle B., I happen to really like you and all but I think that some of the reason that I like you is because you cuss like a trucker. And myself being the daughter of a trucker, I thought I had found my cursing soulmate.
    But if you're gonna jump the fuckin ship and switch to the non-potty mouthed side, I'm afraid our fuckin' relationship ends here, got it, beeotch?
    Now, knock this bullshit about not cussing anymore off or I'll have to follow that ginormous fucking sign you made to Idaho and kick your ass for being a pussy. Got it?

  • This change is making me as uncomfortable as a whore in church....
  • Willy is proud

    10-4 Willy

  • I don't fucking cuss any more any fucking damn way. I will be tickled shitless to join that you.
  • Just carry a hammer around to drop on your toe at opportune moments, no-one would get too upset if you did that. I follow Billy Connolly's principle- just make up words that sounsd like swearing. "yaa filking basser!'
  • Fuck..so not cool.... :)
  • Goddamn fuckin shit, Chelle B. There's only a finite amount of devilish piss crap words out there, and if you shut your supply off, then damn it, the rest of us will have to double our motherfuckin production. All the sons of bitches around the world will have to strap on and join up to fill the void you threaten to put up.

    I hardly ever used to swear before, but any cocksucker can see that I have had to do so in this post.

    Return to your old ways, Chelle. Swear that you'll swear



  • Goddamn fuckin shit, Chelle B. There's only a finite amount of devilish piss crap words out there, and if you shut your supply off, then damn it, the rest of us will have to double our motherfuckin production. All the sons of bitches around the world will have to strap on and join up to fill the void you threaten to put up.

    I hardly ever used to swear before, but any cocksucker can see that I have had to do so in this post.

    Return to your old ways, Chelle. Swear that you'll swear.



  • Excuse me, the correct New Jersey response would be, "Gosh darn it, we are glad that you now use the same refined language we use. No foul language here. No sireebob."
  • As they say in Jersey, "What da fuck,some Motherfuckin' cock suckin' son of a bitch fuckin dildo breath scumbag gonna fuckin' tell me I can't fuckin' curse"! Fucccckkkk Hiimmmmmm!!!!
  • Oh Cheez n' crackers.....
  • Ned Flanders wallpaper - heheh
  • Do they make Hello Kitty sex toys? Wow.

    Oh yeah, good luck on your fucking new club.

  • I like the "Heck Yeah!" sign on the graphic, just so we know where you are in the world, you ex-cusser you. :)

    My boss is fond of using the expression "tartar sauce!" (apparently a la Spongebob) as one of her kid-friendly curses. Perhaps you can add that one to your repertoire.

  • Umm, I don't think your readers are taking you seriously.

    Maybe once you show them your new Ned Flanders wallpaper they'll believe that you've truly changed.

  • Don
    Fuck that shit!
  • Fuc... I mean, fudge! You were such a good cusser. We're going to have to kidnap you and deprogram you. Or kidnap you and do something to you.
  • F*ckin A! You are such a C*NT for joining that S*it *ssed C*ckS*cking M*therF*cking T**ty *ssed G*y club.

    I'm joining so F*cking fast it'll make your C*nt spin.

  • The no cussing club is a great idea...

    For me to POOP on!

    You've gotta be kidding me, right?

    What kind of club would get ANY laughs without at least SHIT or Fuck used once?

    'Nuff said.







  • The No Cussing Club is fucking awesome! I've been a member for ever.
  • Fuck those other commmenters, Chelle. I fucking think what you're fucking doing is fucking great. No motherfucking cursing -- what a goddamn great motherfucking idea! Only assholes and cocksuckers curse, anyway. Those shitheads can bite my snatch.
  • youre fucking kidding, right?
  • Fuck that shit.
  • Well fuck.
blog comments powered by Disqus