The "Because You (Potentially) Mean Soooooooooo Much to Me…." Offensive

Soooo since my failed attempt at bumping off the hubs and collecting on the obscenely large life insurance policies which he doesn’t even know I have out on him and if you tell him I’ll make sure you suffer the same fate next time horrible, unforeseen, well planned yet poorly executed because I am an amateur tragedy which befell my poor, innocent hubs last month and left him near death and on a slow road to recovery with me as his nursemaid, we (that would be me and my yarmulke-sporting legal counsel, Bernie, of course!) have decided that I need to really reassess my future a bit!

And perhaps consider hiring professional help next time.

Let me tell you, thank goodness Bernie is looking out for me! He and I both know that the stakes are much higher now, since all I got out of this latest incident with the hubs is an even more serious addiction to Oxycontin, Percocet and Lortab which for some unknown reason his doctor keeps prescribing!

OK, it may or may not be because I keep stealing his pills and making his injuries worse so that he is in writhing pain each time he goes back in for a checkup, but that is beside the point!

Honestly, I should sue the hubs and his doctor for making me an addict.

I mean, you tell me, how the hell am I going to pay for this shit once I have no choice but to hit the black market for it?!?!

Ugh.

Oh, and not to mention the fact that in order to make it look legitimate, I pretty much have to make sure he doesn’t heal and let me tell you, ‘accidentally’ tearing the stitches out of his wounds every day, ‘losing’ his bottles of painkillers and ‘forgetting’ to change the nasty bandages on his infected wounds is a lot of frigging work for someone like me who is pretty much strung out on good pharmaceuticals 24/7!!

Plus, it is not as easy as you think to find free range staph infection to spike his bandages with.

Hey, don’t worry about me though, I’m hanging in there despite the toll it is taking on me, because believe me, nursing someone back to health is NOT my strong point anyway. I am much better at nursing a few cocktails while lying naked on the beach in Fiji with a half dozen cabana boys tend to my every need.

Hooyah!!

Well, theoretically I am better at that.

Between you and me, I’d really fucking like to find out just how much better at that I am, and soon!!!

Which, coincidentally, is where you come in!!

OK, I know what you’re thinking and no, I am not planning to take you to some exotic locale like Fiji so that we can hang out naked on the beach together. Quite the opposite, in fact!!

After having almost lost the hubs it dawned on me that if I were to lose you, that could be almost as profitable tragic!! I mean, let’s face it, as my #1 fan, you are very valuable to me!!

Potentially more valuable than I realized, until Bernie pointed it out, and should any horrible, unforeseen, well planned and professionally executed tragedy befall you, I don’t think either of us would want me to suffer with the consequences of that, right???

Right!!

Sooooo, if you would just take a quick moment to fill this form out for me, it would really put both of our minds at ease:

I’d do it, but I have calls to make and packing to do.

Don’t worry, it’s a short form! I should be packed by the time you are finished.

Thanks!!