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The "Wanda Has a Penis Meme" Offensive

27 Apr

Yay! Today is my turn to contribute to the Humor Bloggers dot com story meme! What is it, you ask? It is the brainchild of one of our funniest Humor Bloggers, Spaz. Each contributing member adds a paragraph or two to the story and given the fact that Spaz is as sick and twisted as they come, it is sure to delight and offend the masses. So sit back and enjoy the ride! Our story begins when the lovely, well stacked Wanda discovers she has a penis….

(Mind of Spaz) Wanda was always confused. Not about work, because she loved what she was doing. Not about her friends or her hobbies, because her social life was great. It wasn’t her looks either, because she was tall, lean and had an absolutely perfect rack, the best money could buy. No, Wanda was confused because she has a penis.

(The Shark Tank) It had come wrapped in several layers of newspaper, stuffed into a tube typically reserved for delivering posters. It wasn’t just any penis, either. Judging from its length (11.2 inches), scent (formaldahyde and tree sap), and coloring (burnt sienna), it had belonged to T. horridus and dated back to the late Cretaceous. In layman’s terms, it was the penis of a Triceratops. Standing in her driveway, watching as the UPS guy hopped back into his truck and flipped down the visor, Wanda said something she’d thought many times before, but never said aloud.

“It’s smaller than I thought it would be.”

(Venom, Secrets, & Lies) Wanda headed into her garage, hoping to quell her nerves with some mundane gardening chores. Her mind was lurching around inside her skull and she worried what message was being sent to her with the arrival of the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis.

Wanda had been receiving anonymous, unsolicited gifts for the past few weeks, and the packages had gone from innocent to strange and, now, bizarre. The first gift was flattering & intriguing. Wanda had excused herself momentarily from the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its’ stem wrapped in a napkin with the message

‘♥ from Your Secret Admirer ♥’


written across it in a very fine hand. Her sister had been busy flirting with a busboy when the flower appeared & no one else had noticed or cared. Wanda had tucked the blossom behind her ear and worn it there in her hair all day long; she’d had no thought at all that Secret Admirer might be code for Crazy Stalker.

(The Offended Blogger) Of course, deep down Wanda knew that due to the fact that she had sustained numerous head injuries during rough sex over the years, she couldn’t trust her own judgment or fully rely on her instincts. And given her history with those of the penile persuasion, including more than one romp on an expensive, leather couch with a tall, dark, handsome psychiatrist at the Center for Recovering Sex Addicts, she knew that someone might end up hurt.

She was also acutely aware that although she had mastered the art of projecting an angelic image which easily lured in the opposite sex, she had yet to conquer her sociopathic, nymphomaniac tendencies and lately found herself daydreaming about things like cannibalism and necrophilia.


Sure, the thought of a well hung secret admirer sending her taboo sexual gifts appealed to her deviant nature, but she had been down this road before and on more than one occasion it had turned out badly for her unassuming, love stricken victim and had nearly led to her own ruin.

Once it had even led her half way around the world where she ended up dismembering and depositing her heavily accented My Space admirer into the murky waters of the Rhine and was forced to work in a seedy German sex club as a towel girl just to earn enough Deutschmarks for the trip back to the states.…

Next up is Amy Oops to continue the story!

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • Funny. You remind me of the rumors that lady gaga have a penis.:)
  • Great to read some good old penis fun.
    Keep up the fantasy and when will we get to read a continuation of this story.
  • I friggin love polluting!!!
  • Damn, Wanda! Bones are just fallin' all off your skeleton in the closet.

    Good work! I am thoroughly offended. Hahaha!
  • the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis..not to worry I had one of those when I was stationed in the phillipines..penicillin usually cures it.

    You need to take care of that thing better Wanda, you don't want it falling off do you now?
  • "Penile persuasion". A useful phrase for a sexual tactic to which I've resorted, more than once.

    Note that some of us gentlemen find penises more persuasive than others.
  • @ Shawn - you know you want her now... :)
  • Wanda, you dirty, dirty girl.
  • @ Dizz - it just seemed appropriate to make Wanda a sexual sadist hehe.

    @ Spaz - penalize me!! Again! Harder!!! :D

    @ Mary - I need a cigarette now. ;)
  • It's too early in the morning for this...I need another coffee first.
  • Chelle B, that was deep and twisted. Head injuries from rough sex? Dismembering myspace admirers? German prostitution?

    Is this now following your life?

    That was so entertaining i'm not even going to complain about the excedence of the one paragraph limit for you or for venom. And I'm not going to penalize you for not linking back to the HBDC.

    I mean, between Jesus and your german prostitution, penalizing you would be the last thing I'd want to do.

    Also, I can't because you are the HBDC owner :P
  • OK then! That was ...um.. dark,.. twisted.. scary and hilarious! Great job. I can't wait for the next chapter.
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