The "Being a Minority isn’t as Fun as it Looks!!" Offensive

18 May

You know, as a blond, white, middle class female (who looks like a Nazi’s wet dream) living in Idaho, I have a lot of sympathy for minorities. Why? Well, because I know what it is like to be a minority and let me tell you, despite what the ACLU says, it is no fun at all!

Nope, no fun.

At all.

In fact, it downright sucks sometimes and I almost wish that I wasn’t a blond, white, middle class female (who looks like a Nazi’s wet dream) living in Idaho. I mean just look at this map of where I live and you’ll understand:


Note that to the Mormons (red dots), we all look alike (green and yellow dots)!

Ugh.

Believe me, I try to fit in with the Mormons and Mexicans, but it just isn’t easy! Especially since I have no sacred underwear and I don’t know the secret Mormon handshake, and I don’t have a Temple issued card to flash in order to get discount dental care, and well, let’s face it, my Spanish is less than perfect, too.

Just ask Jesus:


:(

Thanks, I feel sorry for me, too!!

Just to give you a better understanding of how rough I have it, and just so you’ll feel even MORE sorry for me, here is a screenshot of exactly how many Mormons live within a 500 mile radius of me:


OK, well technically that is just the number of Mormon churches and temples within 500 miles of West Yellowstone, which is a bit north of me, but that shows you just what will happen if Yellowstone explodes and all of those pointy things on top of their church come reigning down upon the rest of you:


Yeah, I’d be scared too!

Lucky for me, I’ll be dead within .000000009 seconds of when Yellowstone explodes.

:)

Don’t be jealous! Remember, I live in Mormon hell so I still have it rough here, dammit!!

Those numbers up there are pretty close to the statistics for my part of Idaho and that doesn’t take into account all of the dental offices run by Mormons (because for some reason all of them around here are fucking dentists but do you think they lower their prices for Goyim like moi? Oh hell no!!) but still, that is a LOT of Mormons nonetheless, and admit it, even though they, too, look like Nazi’s wet dreams, and it is virtually impossible to distinguish me from them, you’d feel small and insignificant in comparison, too, right?

Right!

And of course, they have to have imported slave labor to clean all of these churches, temples, and dentist offices, so this shows you exactly how many Mexicans live within a 500 mile radius of me:


OK, so technically that is just the number of Mexican restaurants and taco trucks within 500 miles of me, but as you can see, I am not lacking in the least for choices of where to buy my next yummy lunch consisting of tacos with extra, extra jalapenos!

Of course, I only hit Jesus’s taco truck, because along with killer tacos, he hooks me up with sticky, imported “incense” which has a soothing aroma and keeps me happy and glossy eyed and completely distracted from the reality of my grim situation.

Plus, he sells it to me at a discount when I flash my erm, ya know… taco truck discount card tits.

Hooyah!!

Between you and me, as much as I love Jesus and his sticky, imported “incense”, sometimes I just wish that I could be with my own kind because it gets quite lonely here in Idaho knowing that there are so few of, well, me around to relate to:


OK, well, at least within a 500 mile radius of me. There might be another one of me at mile marker 503 or something, but I probably wouldn’t like that bitch anyway!

Heh.

I know me, and I can be quite mean and difficult to get along with!

Anyhoo, so lately I’ve quit trying to fit in and I’ve decided to just accept my fate and live out my life here in paradise, under the lovely Grand Tetons which stare down at my lonely self, hoping that there is a God and that when I get to heaven it will be full of people JUST LIKE ME.

I know, that sounds racist, but it isn’t my fault! I blame Google and Yellowpages dot com for shoving these demographics in my face. If it wasn’t for them, we’d all look the same to me here and I’d never know that I was so alone.

Well, ya know… except for all the Mormon churches and taco trucks all around me.

And the fact that I am white…

…with blond hair.

…and blue eyes.

Oh yeah, and my Spanish sucks.

:)

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  • I feel for ya, Chelle...

    I'm a minority too, and you're right. It surely ain't fun. Not at all.

    Here I am, the only 46-year-old blonde woman who actually looks more like 29. I mean, how many women can say that? Not many.
  • ha hah a! I absolutely love your blog! So funny and true.
  • I feel your pain. I am white, not-blonde, nowhere near a Nazi's wet dream.

    But here's the kicker: I'm an atheist, married to a Jew, raising ostensibly Jewish children who are really agnostics, in the Bible Belt.

    Talk about minorities.
  • @ Trailer Fun Researcher (is that a real job because if so I want it!) - Mmmm, Mormon crab Rangoon is probably tasty! :)

    @ Ross - Yes! Those silly commies, er Mormons. ;)
  • The Chinese Mormons have a strange tendency to end up under tanks. Those silly Chinese!
  • What about a CHINESE one!?
  • @ moooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooog - He better fucking share some sticky incense with me, that's what he better do. :p

    @ Shawn - Hmmm, I've yet to see any Mexican ones, but I did see a black one the other day. Which is kinda funny, considering, well, ya know... ;)
  • Are there any Mexican Mormons? That sounds like a potentially potent combination (I really wanted to find a synonym for combination that started with "P", but I was too lazy to think about it for more than twenty seconds.)
  • This begs the obvious question:

    What would Brian Boitano do?
  • @ Ross - if not, you may want to see your doctor. I know that erections that last more than 4 hours can kill, so... ;)
  • I may stop laughing sometime next week!
  • @ Christina - With all of this sticky "incense" and taco trucks, how could it NOT be paradise?! ;)

    @ The Queen - Only once would they do that, then they'd have broken hands!

    @ Mike - Well you are Canadian so that would translate to like 40 American. No thanks!!

    @ Scandalous - Same here, I can't even offend myself. And believe me, I try!! :p

    @ Winky - Thank you from refraining from politically incorrect comments. :)

    @ Douglas - Do I ever!

    @ Mister Condescending - Yes, they are so silly. And smart. It is hard to con them out of that temple gold, believe me!
  • those silly mormons!
  • As a practicing Nazi I can vouch that your picture has been featured prominently on much of our internally-distributed emails and memos. Yeah girl. You ever do it fascist style?
  • Well, I know what you mean about being in the minority. We don't have Mormons around here to speak of..but we do have plenty lots of Muslims...so it's relatable kinda sorta...and since it's offensive to be politically incorrect...I'll just leave it at that. ;)
  • I am so effin offended by this post!!!
    Nah, not really. Takes ALOT to offend moi...
  • we have three mormon churches in a 500 mile radius.

    Can I send them down to your area?

    You won't notice the difference, but I sure will!

    Thanks in advance.
  • I was married to a Morman the first tine around.. or the fifth..can't remember.. anyway.. I can teach you the secret handshake... but it is kinda gross.. it involves green toads, chicken lips and pasta..

    and as far as the temple pass, well.. I have to admit, that kinda sucked... well not really.. I think I told them it fucking sucked and no way was I staying married.. sign on the line idiot...

    feel for you there...no really.. that's their secret handshake,, they will feel for you there..
  • Idaho = paradise? That's just so hard for me to imagine lol. Very funny blog post.
  • @ Self Deprechaun - Yes, true, but some of them like to mail anonymous packages full of explosives to unsuspecting victims, which is not cool.

    I do like their black uniforms though. The fancy ones with the red armbands? Sexy!! :)
  • @ Walter - I could say something offensive in response, like, "yes, but our money all looks the same to them!" but I won't.

    Cuz that would be mean! :)
  • There are tribes of KKK in Idaho. They maybe accepting of your status as a Nazi's wet dream. Go Caucasia!
  • We all really do look like yellow and green dots to Mormons, don't we?
  • @ Steph - Honestly, it is the only reason I stay here. I looooooooove taco truck tacos. Well, that and the fact that I don't want to survive Yellowstone erupting. You all can Mad Max it afterward! :)
  • I'll have to see how many taco trucks there are within 500 miles of me. I bet A LOT. I mean, I AM in Tejas! I know you've got me beat hands down with the number of Mo's tho.
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