The "Can You Retire Early During a Recession? You Bet!" Offensive

No job security? Is your boss an asshole? Did you lose roughly 83.7% of your 401k and are convinced that you can’t retire at all now, let alone early? Well do I have good news for you! Not only can you retire early, but if you do what I did, you’ll be able to retire better than Bernie Madoff would have if his Ponzi scheme hadn’t failed.

That’s right!!

It is easier than you think and it actually helps if you work for a fortune 500 company under a boss who is a prime candidate for Bellevue’s long term, inpatient anger management/electroshock program.

Just follow these simple steps and you can be sailing through this shitty economy like yours truly:

Step One – pretend you are attempting some good old fashioned humor on your asshole boss, just to catch him off guard. On your way to work, stop over at the local dog park for a little ‘treat’ for his office.

Place it strategically, either on the floor, in his chair, or as a replacement for the chocolate creme filling in his mid-morning eclair:

Step Two – spread an office rumor that the two of you have been having a torrid affair for the last six months, and then say that you wanted to marry him but he dumped you in order to spend all of his free time surfing internet clown porn.

Make it look official by showing up to work on your day off, unkempt and reeking of cheap wine and vomit. Make a spectacle of yourself in the parking lot, preferably near his car:

Step Three – let him overhear you calling his bosses to report that you think he has been skimming from his expense account to pay for live donkey shows in his office after hours.

Then, call the FBI and the IRS to report that you have uncovered evidence that your boss is laundering money for a Mexican drug cartel:

Step Four – sneak into his house and drug his wife, then hire a professional hooker to take her place at the next office function.

Pay extra for someone who looks like a trashy version of his actual wife:

Step Five – wait until it is just the two of you alone after hours, working on a big project. “Accidentally” take your top off and offer him sexual favors in exchange for a raise and some kindness. Act all hot and bothered while he simultaneously clears his desk with one hand and uses the other to unzip his fly, then spray him in the eyes with mace and use your stun gun on his exposed balls until he loses consciousness.

When he wakes up, pretend nothing happened and offer him an even filthier sexual favor:

By now, if you’ve followed these steps correctly, the poor bastard is probably considering (a) following you home so that he can ram your car into a ditch, abduct you and then take you out to a deserted road where he will have his way with you before slowly strangling the life out of you, or, (b) obtaining a high caliber, semi-automatic weapon with which to kill you and every other ungrateful employee under his command before turning it on himself. This will likely happen just as the S.W.A.T team’s hostage negotiator shows up to talk him out of “doing something he’ll regret”.

Either way, as long as you can somehow survive either of these scenarios, you are practically guaranteed to have a multi-million dollar law suit against your company, which will leave you set for life!

Oh yes! I almost forgot:

Step Six – GET A GOOD JEWISH LAWYER! He won’t let you just settle out of court! Take it from Bernie, even if it takes YEARS… it is well worth the payoff.

Well, mostly for your lawyer, but you’ll do alright, too.