The "I Am a High Maintenance Bitch (but it isn’t my fault!)" Offensive

26 May

It all started when I let the hubs rub me down from head to toe with coconut flavored erotic oil on our first date. Then, I let him paint my naked toenails a deep shade of crimson red on our second date. Then, he helped to put pin curls in my hair and cinch my leather dominatrix corset up tight on our third date. Then, naturally, he offered, nay, begged me to let him help me shave my nether regions and sculpt my landing strip into a heart shape with an arrow through it (hooyah!) during our fourth date.

To him, it was all foreplay.

To me, it was an evil genius plan in the making.

Slowly, over the years it has evolved into this:


Yep, and now he has added a full service spa onto the house and hired a whole team of incredibly gorgeous (not gay!) Swedish men to loofah and pumice and massage me ALL DAY LONG while he is at work, and then he comes home and takes over.

Of course, I pay him back with mind blowing sex just so he still thinks it is all foreplay.

Don’t look at me like that.

I can’t help it that I am an evil genius!

;)

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • Space for some Financial Offensives, surely?
  • Hey finally someone that knows exactly how I live (LOL) by the way I'm not offended by your blog in fact I'm amused

    GinGer

    http://lifeandhighheels.blogspot.com
  • My moto is.. Men are like carpet.. Lay em right the first time.. YOu can walk on them for years.
  • He probably wants to make sure that you are comfortable so that you won't mind him bangin' his secretary! LOL!
  • @ super groovy girlie - Thanks! It is a gift. Like being groovy. Which you are. Well, me too, but not as much as you. :)
  • Bwahahahaha! I love a fellow evil genius. It's a gift really. Way to go.
  • @ LiLu - My lips are sealed. ;)

    @ Mike - I know, I am like Mother Fucking Teresa here, eh? :p

    @ Dr Zibbs - You forgot genius. :(
  • Evil
  • It's amazing.

    I've never met someone that comes off as such a complete dirty skank ho, but yet is completely faithful to her husband.

    And Jesus.

    You blow me away Chelle B ;)
  • Don't tell B I admitted this publicly...

    But he is FABULOUS at pedicures.

    *wink*
  • @ Heff - Cruel? He smiles multiple times a night in the end... :)
  • You cruel, cruel woman, !
  • @ Chris @ Maugeritaville - Muwahahahaha! I was clicking to follow you as you were typing this!

    Creepy, eh?

    :)
  • Yep, he's got you right where he wants you.

    As an aside, Chelle, I want to really say that I am honored to follow this blog. Following someones blog is a great way to let them know that they are entertaining, and that you enjoy visiting their site. Yep, that "Followers" feature is a wonderful thing, wouldn't you agree?
  • @ Thinkingfu - Lesson ONE: Use sex as a weapon. :)

    @ Mr. C - Pfft! He does the dishes, too! ;)

    @ Mooooooooog - That is strangely arousing. Make it stop? :p

    @ Tiggy - Hmm, maybe Mr T. is trying to tell you something?? :o

    @ Chaotically Calm - Hey, do you want my (not gay!) Cabana Boy Fiji version class instead? :D

    @ Nooter - Ditto what I said to Moooooooog. OK, now I feel very dirty, indeed. :\

    @ C.B. Jones - At least you are honest, that is admirable! :)

    @ VE - Well, perhaps you need to meet more (not gay!) Swedish men instead of hanging out at.. umm.. heh.. ;)
  • VE
    I didn't know there were any straight Swedish men that knew what spa meant...
  • Can't hate on you for taking advantage of the situation. I can sit here and deny that I would be as blind to this scheme as your man is.
  • had my nether regions shaved once but dont remember having that much fun with it
  • Ok so is there a class you offer because I must secure harum of swedish men for the spa I plan to have my future ex husband build?
  • Mr Tiggy hired me a bunch of incredibly gorgeous gay Swedish men. Dammit!
  • Yep...I did the same thing with my wife.

    Sure, my pubes look weird in the shape of a heart and shit, but SO worth it when she gets me a Miller Lite.
  • btw theres an invitation for you at my blog if you wanna move out of mormonland.
  • yeah ok chelle sure! Im thinkin its more like a couple mormons rubbing your feet with rough potatoes while you blow kisses to the taco truck driver.

    Then your husband comes home and tells you get to the f*ckin dishes NOW!
  • OK,you need to start giving lessons!
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