Given the state of the economy and the impending mass extinction of the human race from swine flu, it is really hard for a modern woman to focus on what is most important: her looks!!
That’s right, even with Armageddon just around the corner, believe it or not, most of us who are not of the penile persuasion (and a few who are) place personal esthetics WAY above frivolous things like economics or epidemics or the thundering hoofbeats of the other two horsemen of the Apocalypse.
To put it bluntly, we could really give a shit less if the stock market plunges into the abyss, or if the dollar loses all value, or if all the banks and car dealers and kosher sushi delis from Frisco to Hackensack close up shop, never to return.
We don’t care if there isn’t enough food, or clean water, or if nuclear war breaks out on every continent.
We don’t even really care if every poor bastard with a compromised immune system within a 10,000 mile radius of us drops dead from swine flu, bird flu or the spotted, duck billed platypus flu.
That’s right!
WE DON’T CARE.
We just want to look pretty.
And let’s face it, as mankind hurls itself toward certain death and destruction, you want us to look pretty, too!
Because you are as vain as we are.
So then, since not all of us can afford to have our flaws ironed, stretched or chemically peeled away like our favorite celebrities, Fox newscasters, or politician’s Craigslist mistresses…..
….we have to resort to other means.
Yep, desperate times call for desperate measures and right now we have to do what we can to stay looking young and pretty using things that are just lying around the kitchen, garage and under the bathroom sink.
Lucky for us, there are some former celebrities who are willing to share their own home beauty secrets.
Take whatshername, who hasn’t worked since that last made-for-Encore, soft core porn flick she did back in ’97.
Last night on QVC, she was demonstrating how to quickly go from pasty to golden brown in just seconds using a tool we probably all have handy:
Surely you have a blowtorch just lying around like I do, right?
Right!!
Now, I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry! I tried it and it only hurts until all of the epidermal nerves are damaged beyond repair, then you don’t feel a thing!
According to helpmeiburnedmyskinoff.com, the outer layer will crust up and peel off within a week or two, revealing a lovely golden layer beneath it which will look and feel just like new skin!
In fact, it WILL be new skin.
Hooyah!
Of course, to accelerate the process, you could opt to use a grinder. I’m sure you have one of those handy, too, right?
Noooooo, not one of these grinders:
Not even one of these grinders (although I’m sure you’ll agree that these are handy as hell!):
I mean, one of THESE grinders:
See?!
I knew you’d remember when your devoted husband bought you one of those last Mother’s Day!
And you thought he was just being a selfish prick, didn’t you?!
Well, let me tell you, he did you a favor because that, my friend, when used correctly, will produce results that rival even the highest end, cut rate, back alley, Brazilian plastic surgeon’s top beauty treatment:
Heh.
If only that rich bitch knew about my cost-saving beauty ideas, she could have saved enough money to have a full body tan, glowing new skin AND a brand new head of hair!!
That’s right, and I don’t mean a wig, or hair extensions, either. We all know that those cost a small fortune!!
No, instead, for a fraction of the cost of a Hanna Montana wig from the dollar store, I can hook you up with my cousin, Chocktaw, who is in the black market Injun scalp trade:
Believe me, he only sells quality scalps, too. All of them are taken from young Asian girls who have been smuggled into the country as sex slaves.
Don’t look at me like that. What did you think they do with them once they turn 18?!
Hell, for an extra $50 he’ll even tan the scalp’s hide for you so it will last longer.
Of course, if you are one of those who has been hit hardest by the economy and had to pawn all of your blowtorches and metal grinders and such, or if you already have one foot in the grave because you went down to Mexico and caught the swine flu cooties while making sand devils with a third world cabana boy, you may just want to consider an alternative to all of the above prescribed beauty treatments and go with the good old, time tested standby:
Like I said, desperate times….
…..you do have those in your medicine chest, I hope??
Hey, don’t laugh, it worked for her:
Thursday, May 7th, 2009, 4:30 am | 
Armageddon Offensives, Beauty Offensives, Feminist Offensives | 
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