The "Hail to Thee, Camp Islamabad!" Offensive

Holy hell and Hallelujah! Just when I thought I would have to suicide myself in order to find eternal peace I think I found an answer to my heartfelt prayers threats that I've been making to Allah himself ever since summer began!!

That's right, according to this article, the Taliban is paying top dollar for children as young as 11 to come to Camp Islamabad and let me tell you, with a price tag of $6,000 to $12,000 apiece as an incentive, I am allllllll over that shit!

Yep, my kids are already on the waiting list and their bags are packed so as soon as I remember to take my Ritalin so that I can then remember where I put the car keys and also remember where it is that I dropped them off last, they are on their way for some summer fun in the hot desert sun:


Hooyah!!

Hey, don't give me that look. It is not a selfish act whatsoever to send your bored children off to a suicide bomber camp for the summer!

OK, so maybe it is a bit selfish, but still. Do you know how much it would cost me to send just one of my kids to the local Yellowstone Juvenile Reformation and Survival Camp for one measly week of grueling torment?!!

Well, honestly, neither do I, but I bet it is a whole hell of a lot more money than I'm willing to cough up.

Even if it would reform their attitudes and teach them how to survive out in the Rocky Mountains with little more than a compass, a canteen and three or four perverted, skin headed camp counselors dressed in paramilitary garb screaming in their faces and forcing them to do unimaginable things until they beg for mercy and cry for their mommy to save them.

Which I wouldn't.

OK, fine.

You're right!

My kids are evil geniuses like moi so they'll figure out my scheme eventually and they'll definitely want a piece of the pie once they find out that I sold them to the Taliban for enough money to buy a new monster truck.

Dammit, why couldn't I have had retarded children like everyone else????!!!!!!

Ugh.

I mean, chances are they won't be able to escape, but....

....I don't think I can move on with a clear conscience with the thought of them getting all the way to camp and then possibly figuring out a way to chew through the restraints, making it past the armed, turban wearing camp counselors, hijacking a camel to get to a port town to find a cargo vessel, surviving as stowaways in the stifling hot underbelly of the ship with nothing but their own urine to drink, making it past Homeland Security in NY harbor without being mistaken as illegals and deported to Mexico, hitchhiking all the way back to Idaho without becoming a traveling serial killer's latest victim and then managing to bribe the right authorities so they can track me down after I've changed my name, dyed my hair and moved to a new house!

In Amsterdam!

Heh.

That could set a dangerous precedent because not only would they preach at me for being a traitor to my country and for squandering my share of the wealth in the numerous cannabis cafe's of Amsterdam but they will have had plenty of time to plot against me and they might even use their share to hire my Jewish lawyer, Bernie, to sue me for violation of their civil rights and all the back allowance that I'm sure they believe I owe them for all the unpaid slave labor they've done for me over the years!

If I were them and they were me that's what I'd do, at least.

Hmmmmmmmmm.

I think I'll cancel their applications for Camp Islamabad and call the Yellowstone Juvenile Reformation and Survival Camp after all.

You know, just to be safe.

:)