The "How to Survive Until the World Ends and We All DIE!!!" Offensive
17 Sep
Despite what the false prophets on Fox News are telling us, we are sinking deeper into a global recession and by the time it is over we all may be picking kernels of half digested corn out of our dead neighbor’s overflowing septic tanks just to stay alive!!
Or, you know, just eating our dead neighbors because ew, who likes corn?!
Don’t look at me like that, I’m not exaggerating.
You know it’s true so unless you are like me you better have a survival plan in place. I don’t need one because I have faith in Jesus and when he said he’d be back to save me from starvation and despair (and possibly cannibalism) I believe him:
OK, so he might get decapitated thirty miles south of Nogales but it’s all I have so I hold onto my faith that he will return, open his taco truck back up and save me from starvation.
Plus, he’ll bestow upon me some “sticky incense” which may not fully repress my cannibalistic fantasies but it will alleviate the pre-Armageddon-waiting-for-the-other-Jesus despair I’ll still have after I fill up on tacos.
With extra, extra jalapenos!
Hooyah!!
Anyhoo, in case you are a Godless, bleeding heart atheist who doesn’t believe in Jesus or cannibalism, I thought I’d share some ideas to help keep you from having to eat corn or your neighbor while we wait for His imminent return (and He is returning to smite you whether you like it or not, dammit!).
Ready??
Take notes!!
1. Buy a high end counterfeiting machine to create illegal documents which you present to the local highway and fire departments so that you can legally repossess all of their large vehicles which can then be legally scrapped out to Jesus’ cousin Carlos’ illegal chop shop for large amounts of cash.
Erm, you may want to take a fire truck operation course first though…
Who knew they were so hard to drive?!!
Of course, you could always just use your high-end counterfeiting machine to create a new identity as well as fake unemployment and disability checks and food stamp coupons but then you’d be an unemployed loser scraping by on food stamps and fake disability payments and take it from me, your self worth will suffer a bit from it….
….until the bank cashes your first check!
Not that I would know.
Moving on!
2. Buy some high tech surveillance equipment (btw, this one is GREAT if you are one of those unemployed losers who is scraping by on food stamps and fake disability payments and have nothing but time on your hands!) and spend your free time hiding out in the police department, court house and local bath house/massage parlor bathrooms and get some good, juicy gossip to sell to local reporters:
Of course when that bitch gets a court order and is forced to reveal her sources you’ll be subjected to unthinkable torture at the hands of those baton wielding freaks and the astronomical cost of your yarmulke wearing defense team will most likely bankrupt you in the end but take it from me, it is still a fun way to kill an afternoon while waiting for your fake disability check to arrive!
Finally, if you don’t have the balls to attempt my previous suggestions, here is one for even the most bloody of all bleeding hearts:
3. Convert your secret underground Armageddon bunker into a windowless sweat shop, then contact your local foreign exchange student program to request that they send over a Chinese student ASAP (or if those are all taken you can request one from Korea, Taiwan, Bosnia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Peru, or Compton – any one of those will do in a pinch) and add them to your growing workforce of underground slave laborers.
OK, so it might take a few years to get enough of them to be productive enough to make a return on your investment, but hey, this recession isn’t going away any time soon!
Plus, believe me, deep down those poor Chinese kids want to be enslaved by us:
See?!
If it makes you feel better you can make them build eco friendly stuff and let them have one bathroom break every 36 hours or something.
Just think, if we all own sweat shops the recession will end sooner and Jesus won’t have to return to smite your atheist ass!
