The "Don’t Axe, Don’t Tell!" Offensive

12 Oct

Have you ever noticed just how many people talk funny? I don’t mean the ones who have a bit of an accent or fail to enunciate their words properly, either. I mean the ones who start life like this kid…


…and then never progress past ‘lalalalalalalalalalalala’.

Heh.

They’re the ones that usually stare at your boobs and drool while saying it, too.

Or what about assholes like this guy who abbreviate certain words in an attempt to sound all bad ass:


I know!

What a loser, huh?!

Everyone knows he just talks like that to compensate for having a small penis.

There is really no excuse for speaking improperly no matter how big or small your junk is, though. Believe me, I speak from experience here because at one time I, too, had a bit of a speech impediment and it nearly ruined my life!

It’s true!!!

It really got me into a lot of trouble growing up, especially with my older sister who was a mean bitch to begin with. She constantly misunderstood my pronunciation of the term ’shiny lips’:


Hey, it wasn’t my fault that the syphilis rumor I accidentally started turned out to be true or that she is now a middle aged hermit spinster who lives with 12 cats and is lobbying for the right to enter into a civil union with one of them!!

The same thing happened with my older brother, well except for the wanting to marry his cat part.

When I was 6 he nearly killed me for innocently calling him a ‘hobo’:

OK, so I really was calling him a homo but I couldn’t help it!

Turns out he was a homo and my gaydar was already fired up with precision tuning even at such an early age. To this day it has yet to fail me, either.

Hooyah!

Anyhoo, lucky for me that I learned to speak properly and that he has embraced his homosexuality because he thinks it’s funny now when I call him a ‘flaming sodomite who will fry like a piece of bacon when Jesus returns to judge us all‘:

That’s right, and who has the speech impediment now, mo’ fo’??!!

:p

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  • I speak perfect English. Really, I do. I do not have a speech impediment of any kind. Honestly, I don't. I annunciate every word. Oh, and sorry for staring at your boobs. It's on account of my perfect speech pattern and the attendant issues of length, girth and hormonal issues that take over my brain from time to time. You understand, I'm sure.
  • Ahahaha,
    I havent laughed so hard in a very long timl
  • I non't nink is fuddy to nake fud of nuh way meemle talk.
  • @ Don - Exactly, why couldn't I have been born less than perfect dammit??!!

    @ Blonde Godessness - Ohhhhhhh, well come to my Wally World. They let you say cockthucker and 12 other curths words there! :)

    @ CatLadyLarew - I be axeing you, did it work? :p

    @ cool as folk - Karma will get you for that someday! You'll wake up and your lips will be all puffy and you'll talk funneh and then you'll realize it's just a cold sore heh. :)

    @ Gillian - I'm sorry, Sean Connery is a terrible example because I've heard real scotsmen speak and he is a cheap imitation. Also, as soon as you said "scots" my mind went straight to kilted men pillaging and plundering me and....

    *dreamy sigh* :)

    @ nonamedufus - Gee, noname, is that me outside your window dressed in camo while the voices in my head tell me.... :p

    @ moooooooooooooooog - Sup. Stumble up an' down this biotch, yo.

    @ Mike - *snorts* look, I just watched Strange Brew and let me just say that you, sir, are a hoser. So go get me an Elsinore and shove off, eh??

    Oh, and quit horking my Hooyah, dammit! :p
  • See that's what I thought of you because you have an Idaho accent. But I WAS willing to put that aside until this post.

    HOOYAH!
  • Da reason I be shizzin' mo fizzle all up in yous grill ain't cuz I be compensatin', bee-atch!

    Well.

    Waybe just a smidge.
  • Gee, Chelle, are you the only normal one in your family? As if! hahahahaha
  • People always make fun of my scots accents and call my fucking Sean Connery. Who had the worst bastardised Scots accent EVA! I don't sound like the mo' fo' demmit!!!
  • HAHAHAH! Lisp ♥. In high school, my friend and I always mocked this girl who had lisp due to her cleft lip. Poor girl.
  • I axe you... are youth trying to offend me?
  • They hire handicapped people at WalMart. Just ask the chick who told me I couldn't thay cockthucker in the thore.

    It's good to know that Jethuth loveth people like her.
  • Don
    I'm still staring at boobs and drooling. Lalalalala. Thweetie! Handicapped people have all the luck. Cheap car tags, prime parking, no stairs to fight and always some slob telling you how great you look even though a train just ran over your face. Thuck ups!
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