The "Misconstrued News (That I Peruse)" Offensive

6 Oct

For some reason, every time I read the news I seem to find a few headlines which, at first glance, appear to be misleading and/or potentially offensive.

Then I get all excited and click on them and 9 out of 10 times the articles themselves turn out to be utterly boring so I quit reading them and write angry, offensive letters to the editor.

Like I did for these recent ones:

Fat skunk gives up bacon butties

This is from the BBC and knowing those freaks I opted not to even click to find out what the hell bacon butties are after learning the hard way what black pudding consists of:


Yeahhhhh.

Bloody hell, indeed!

No wonder my ancestors stowed away on pirate ships to get away from there!

Speaking of which, here is a good one:

Crabs can feel pain.

OK, sure, it sounds innocent enough but think about it for 3…2…1 and you’ll have the same question I had.

See??!

Unlike you, though, I’m not unafraid to post said question on the interwebz in order to get a professional answer:

I wasn’t sure which expert to ask so I picked the one who specializes in ethics in medicine.

He’d probably have an opinion on this next headline, too:

WVU quarterback likes the ‘long handoff’

Um, who doesn’t like a long handoff, right?

Right!

Hooyah!!

Well, unless you’re a crab because apparently they feel pain.

:(

Anyhoo… moving on…

Push To Bleep ‘Retarded’ Gains Momentum

…uh, bleeping retarded people is just wrong, wrong, WRONG. Especially if both parties are retarded, then we end up with trainwrecks like these two:

They should get a new show called “Jon and Kate minus Jon and Kate because they have less than an average retarded person’s IQ score between the two of them so we should let natural selection do its work and take them out of our misery ugggghhhhhh!!!!!“.

Heh.

And finally the most perplexing headline I found so far this week….

Gay bar has new ID rule for cross-dressers

I still haven’t figured out what the new Idaho rule for cross dressers is, but as soon as I do I’ll let you know.

Cuz I’m sure you’re wondering, too!

;)

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  • I'd just like to say that your "categories" make some of the best damned reading on the internet.
  • Jon and Kate give me the piss shivers. I figure they only had kids through artificial ways because nature already figured out they weren't meant to reproduce..

    Oh, and get back to me on the crab thing will ya, its kinda important to a friend of mine ;)
  • Three thoughts:

    1) Everything's better with bacon on it, even butties. Maybe especially butties.

    2) Long handoff, short handoff, I like them both equally.

    3) I don't want to be bleeped.
  • @CatLadyLarew - I felt the same way!! :(

    @Mike - Your blog makes me want to um, eat lots of bran to keep my colon clean and never, ever, EVER get fat. :)
  • Your blog makes me want to both boil more crabs AND boil John and Kate even more.
  • And "Fat Skunk Gives Up Bacon Butties" had such great potential. I'm so disappointed.
  • @ The Peach Tart - Yes, and I'd be willing to help bring about their well deserved end!!!!!!! ;)

    @ nonamedufus - Who cares if it hurts them, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy to eat crab rangoon. Mmmmmmmmmm. :)

    @ moooooog35 - That is so wrong. :)

    @ Knucklehead - Oh! Well then, I better get my taters polished for tonight! :)
  • The Idaho rule is that if you're a cross-dresser, the bartender has a right to ask you to show him your "taters" so he can determine your gender.
  • If bleeping retarded people is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
  • Do crabs feel pain? Dunno but I've heard crabs give the gift that keeps on giving. Unless you're into long handoffs. Just sayin'.
  • You are so right about Jon and Kate. Please let their way too long 15 minutes of fame end.
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