The "My Ouija Board Hates Me" Offensive

26 Oct

You know, you’d think with the Halloween season upon us my Ouija board dude would be a bit more cheerful and hospitable but instead, he won’t even talk to me and it is really starting to piss me off!

Seriously, no matter what I do, I get the same response:

That’s right.

Nothing!!

But I know what he’s thinking.

:(

Thanks, I feel sorry for me too!

It wasn’t always this way, though. It used to be that he’d talk to me and tell me things like “I’m going to kill you” and “show me your tits” but I guess the honeymoon wore off after I started bugging him incessantly to give me the winning lottery tickets, which he never frigging did.

:(

It probably didn’t help that I also bugged him constantly to let me talk to someone cooler than him (like Ted Bundy or Jack the Ripper or Billy Mays) and I think he finally had enough when I started asking him to move heavy furniture for me, but honestly, if he can move that little pointer thingy to spell out “show me your tits again and I’ll do whatever you want” over and over he sure the hell can pull my refrigerator out so I can sweep under it!!

Heh.

I’m not letting him get away with it though. I went out and bought myself some demonic poltergeist and/or disembodied spirit hunting equipment and I’m going to track his lying ass down and make him pay:

 
In fact, instead of pulling out the fridge, I’m going to make him run the vacuum.

In a French Maid costume.

Then, I’ll take video of it and threaten to post it on YouTube and he’ll have no choice but to give up the winning lottery numbers in order to save face.

Hooyah!!

:)

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  • He probably saw that show Ghost Whisperer, and is now haunting Jennifer Love Hewitts bra.

    Disqus > regular Blogspot comments.
  • Well, she IS rather hot but that is no excuse. OK, it is an excuse. :p
  • They just don't make Ouija boards like they used to. Ours were always much spookier!
  • Yeah, they are made in some slave labor factory in China using pressed toiletpaper now instead of carved from real wood!
  • When I went back to college 10 years after the first round of college, this chick lived downstairs. She was beyond dumb. I came home one day and she grabbed me before I could get in my door by saying, "Hurry, come here. I NEED your help." I walked into her apartment to find the Ouija board set up and she said the directions said you needed two people to make it work. Her question to the Ouija board was which guy from the night of two guy passion knocked her up. I shit you not. The Ouija board had no answer.

    BTW, when I lived in Florida I knew two people who'd met Ted Bundy. One went bowling with him when the manager at the Orange Park Holiday Inn (where Ted was staying at the time) asked him to sub on the team. She said he was really nice and you'd never suspect he killed women to go keep having forest sex with their corpses. The other was a guard from Death Row (which is just outside of the town I lived in). He said that dude was seriously fucked up.
  • lmao your neighbor needed a shrink, not a Ouija!

    They think Ted might have killed in my area, btw. Down south of me, in Pocatello, there are some missing girls from the time when he went across the country and down to FLA.

    Scary shit.
  • My Ouija Board slapped my face and I've never gone back.
  • I suppose it's better than being slapped on the ass, that would be a bit creepy no? :p
  • Deb
    There are no wee-gee boards in Maine. It's already scary enough here. You might consider showing it your tits - it's amazing what power those things can have.
  • Meh, he's not worth it. I'll save the show for when Jesus returns. I mean the taco truck one, of course! :)
  • OH MY GOD. I think I found your ouija board spirit.

    He's in my best friend.
    He always tells me ""show me your tits".

    Huzzah! He hath been foundth.
  • That cheating bastard!!! lmao!
  • P.S. Show me your DISQUS?
  • Okay, okay this is pretty cool. I'm not a DISQUS user so I couldn't comment from there. I didn't want to use my Facebook profile so I signed in via TWitter. I have two accounts there and it went to this one. Could it be because that's what I'm currently logged into HBDC as? Otherwise this has me interested, Chelle.
  • hmm... It says show me your tits huh? I... I think I may be a Ouija board.
  • Well at least you know when you die you can spend eternity trying to get earth chicks to show their tits! :)
  • I once asked my Ouija board if Jesus could help me - it answered with seven numbers. After wondering what the numbers meant I realized it was a phone number - so I dialed it. It was the number of a landscaper.
  • Weird! My personal Jesus drives a taco truck, maybe he does landscaping on the side!!
  • Testing my fancy new comment system on my blog :)
  • Whoo-hoo it works! :)
  • Chelle B.
    Testing if the reply to my replies email notification works - ignore this! :)
  • @nipsy ~ Hrmmmm, you know, I could do that. OR I could put it behind the dart board and get my revenge that way.

    I suck at darts. :)
  • Don't worry, my Ouiji board always hated me too!! It became a very nice end table when stacked on egg crates though!!
  • @thinkinfyou ~ I'll take vengeful over being ignored anyday!! :p
  • I wouldn't mess with the Ouij. I've heard they can be quite vengeful when messed with.
  • @ Margo ~ lol well I'm about to use mine to cut up onions on, that will teach him! :p
  • My daughter's Ouija board once spelled out Y-O-U-S-U-C-K. She then gave it to me to use as a cutting board. I guess I probably pissed off the Ouija spirit-world when I used it to chop up the celery.
  • @ moooooooooooooooog ~ No, I can get that from smoking Jesus' sticky "incense" and over indulging on his tacos, tyvm! :)

    @ Mike ~ Damn! Your psycho powers can cross international borders?? You da man. ;)

    @ The World As I see It ~ I fear no man, dead or alive. Well, except Mike now... :p

    @ nonamedufus ~ Nice try! :D
  • Hey! Show us your lottery numbers!
  • I have always wanted to try one but I have been too scared cause I am a wussy when it comes to those things.
  • Sorry, that wasn't the ouiji board demon asking you to show your tits. That was me.

    I really have to find a better use for my psyco powers, eh?
  • All my Ouija board gave me was a brutal demonic possession and a bad case of the runs.

    Wanna trade?
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