The "Oh, Nobel He Diin’t!!!" Offensive
10 Oct
Thanks to the magic of pharmaceuticals it still hasn’t sunk in yet that Obama won a Nobel Peace prize, but when it does I am going to be soooo pissed!!! I mean, what the holy hell did HE do to deserve that coveted award that everyone knows I worked my ass off to win???!
Seriously, they even did a poll about it on CNN and the results speak for themselves:
See?!!
That bastard only won because he is black.
It’s true! If I were a black woman with as much power and as big of balls that he allegedly has (he still hasn’t sent me proof so I’m left with no choice but to play the race card and fall back on stereotypes for this part!) well… I’d be Oprah and I’d be pissed at her for winning, too.
Ugh!!
Now you tell me, did either of them reach out to Iran like I did before it became the cool thing to do?
NO, THEY DID NOT.
OK, so I pretty much told Iran to Fatwa themselves but hey, they started it!! My diplomacy efforts worked, though, because they sure the fuck quit visiting my blog after that!
Oh, and my similarly Nobel-worthy diplomatic humanitarianism I employed to bridge the divide between myself and Greenland paid off as well, but in the exact opposite way:
They’ve visited my blog dozens of times now!
Hooyah!!
Still, it’s not the same as winning the Nobel Peace prize so fuck Greenland, they still suck.
Which reminds me, did Obama reach across BOTH borders to embrace our darker and whiter neighbors like I do??
NO!
Did he bear even one bastard child to even one of the many thousands of illegal taco truck drivers named Jesus or have a cross-country, international stalking incident with a handsome (yet possibly gay) Canadian handyman named Mike Holmes (who has little to no appreciation for American fanaticism, stalking and/or attempted kidnapping with the intent to violate his ‘privacy’)?
UH, NO!
Erm, well not that We the People are aware of at least and if he did I’d rather not know because I am a homophobe when it involves the president and/or foreign handymen who I may still want to stalk once the restraining orders are lifted.
:/
Anyhoo, even if Obama had done all of this, which he sooo didn’t, he still doesn’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, dammit, and if I have to lose out to someone I’d much rather it be my very own, self appointed Jewish Master (rawr!) who totally frigging deserves it more than anyone (except for me of course):
That’s right.
Ben Netanyahu, you should have won. Especially since you not only have a dreamy voice but you have the power to annihilate Iran, Greenland and Mike Holmes and the Matzo balls to do it, yet you wait patiently for just the right time.
Plus, we both know I’d have already nuked all their asses if I had that sort of power and as big of Matzo balls.
