The "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Offensive

29 Oct

After dropping some serious dinero today (read: taco truck money) on enough Halloween candy to give every starving Ethiopian child juvenile diabetes, I had to seriously reconsider whether or not all of the little trick-or-treaters who might show up at my door 2 nights from now are worth sharing it with.

It almost made me feel guilty that it only took me all of .0000005 seconds to realize that NO they sure the hell aren’t worthy!

Hey, it’s not my fault that not one of those little bastards have come by even once this year to offer to pull weeds or rake leaves or muck out the barn! Well at least none have offered to do any of those things for free, and I’m sorry but if they have the balls to expect me to pay them to shovel horse shit, then I should have the balls to charge them for candy when they show up begging at my door, right?!

Right.

Heh.

I can just see their sad little faces now.

Between you and me, I’m banking on the fact that most of them only have a 2nd grade education. I’m going to see if I can not only recoop what I spent, but make a tidy profit off of them as well.

Hooyah!

:)

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  • Yay for disqus. Looks rad!
  • tolurandomwonders
    I was a bit nasty this year, a got loads of sticks of carrot and dipped them in chocolate and sprinkles to give the image of nice chocolatey goodness, it made me smile later imagining them tucking into glorious veg goodness
  • What ends up happening with me is I buy the candy and then eat it myself before any of those brats even ring my doorbell.
  • Couldn't agree more. These little shits don't need free candy. Most of them are overweight anyway, and ought to spend the night mucking out barns and doing other chores to burn off some calories. Let's set this holiday straight!
  • The little rat bastards get dropped off in my hood because we are known to have the good candy. That means that I have to hand out candy to kids I have never even seen before - and tons of them at that! Halloween is bull - no wait - horse shit.
  • I don't know what kind of kids you have running around there, but in my day, when Halloween came around and a nice lady offered to give me road apples, with all their glorious possibilities, and I get to use a pitchfork. You better believe I'm mucking! The neighbors are going to FREAK when they see what you did, you may want to prepare for that.
  • themother
    I prefer the "turn off the lights and pretend you're not home" method. That way, I don't have to buy candy. Which means I won't eat it.
  • themother
    I prefer the "turn off the lights and pretend you're not home" method. That way, I don't have to buy candy at all, which means I won't eat it.
  • I think you should give them reverse gift certificates... in other words, if they come to your house they owe you 1/2 hour of weed pulling or raking or whatever.
  • No kid comes to our house on Halloween. In the past 30 years no kid has ever come to our house for any reason. I used to think that it was because we live in sparsely developed rural area. This status has changed in the past 10 years and still no kids. We live about a hundred yards off the street with the house looming in dismal darkness down a dank, tree lined drive way. All the landscaping has frozen and this place looks like the Adams Family House. The chocolate is in the bowl, on the porch, no kids, my wife gleefully munches chocolate for the next couple of weeks.
  • Just give out rocks.

    But paper rocks.

    So they can't throw them through your window.
  • haha awesome. I gave up on giving out candy. I always buy candy with trick or treaters in mind... put it in a bowl by the door a week early, and it's always gone by halloween. whoopsie!
  • Who has the second grade education? The second graders begging for the candy or the parents that have to tag along? Perhaps you can get those parents to clean out your shitty barn while the little pukes collect the candy.
  • I don't muck out the barn, I muck out the spare room
  • moooooog35
    I have no idea what 'mucking out the barn' means.

    And I really really okay with that.
  • Taking advantage of people who are weaker and dumber than you are is as American as apple pie, automatic weapons and morbid obesity!

    You go Chelle!

    Hoooyah!
  • madmadmargo
    I always hated mucking out the barn until I learned to play my dad for a sucker that is. "Dad, can we stop for an Almond Joy now that I've finished shoveling the horse shit from 6, count 'em, 6 stalls?" Of course, he'd stop, yea! On second thought, maybe he was playing me. I must have this conversation with my dad.
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