The "What We Need Are Vegan Zombies!!" Offensive

2 Oct

OK, I know what you’re thinking, as a hunter and consumer of both foreign & domestic meat you would expect me to be the last person to advocate veganism, right?

Right!

I mean, I really can’t stand how vegans act all superior just because I will eat anything with or without parents and/or a face and I really frigging hate how they think the rest of us should convert to their meatless ways when deep down even they know that it goes against nature:

Honestly, who in their right mind would want to give up eating meat just to look like an anorexic zombie cannibal???!!

Not me!

So publicly endorsing veganism would be like me joining the Idaho League of Neo Feminist Communists or trading in my monster truck for a Prius or forsaking Jesus by eating tofu and bean sprout tacos from Trader Joe’s, or even worse, going door to door, completely naked, proselytutioning myself for P.E.T.A….

…again…


Yeeeahh.

OK, so I wasn’t really going door to door for P.E.T.A., I just wanted to show off my new “I ♥ Jesus” tattoo (because I do!), plus I used the generous donation money I collected to buy a shiny new Bowtech bow and a permit to hunt WOLVES because thanks to recent legislation I can hunt those furry, sheep killing bastards all day long now!

Hooyah!!!

That’s right, put that in your tofu and bean sprout taco and choke on it you godless veganites!!!!!!

Anyhoo, while up in my tree stand yesterday, waiting for Bambi’s and/or Balto’s daddy to show up, I realized that if only I could somehow turn those tofu and bean sprout munchers into actual zombies and get them to cannibalize one another, the world would be a MUCH better place.

Not to mention I’d finally win that Nobel prize that I totally deserve!

It wouldn’t be hard, really, and my evil genius plan would help cull the surplus population beyond just the vegans.

First, all I have to do is sell hunting permits so that all of them can be orphaned, because that is key. Then, I’d use the profits to invent a protein supplement powder to sprinkle on their tofu and bean sprout tacos which will turn them into zombies while simultaneously speeding up the process of zombification so their faces fall off quickly.

After that happens, they’ll all have no parents, no faces and no reason whatsoever not to cannibalize each other until there is just one left standing.

He’ll be the biggest, baddest veganite zombie cannibal EVER so naturally I’ll hunt him down with my new Bowtech bow and put him in my den/trophy room where he belongs:


Yep!

He can keep Rob Zombie company, cuz he’s probably getting lonely in there.

Don’t look at me like that!

Someone had to catch him before he butchered another Halloween movie!!

:)

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • Yikes! I never thought of vegan zombies before. As much as I love my veggies, and I do love my veggies, I love my meat as well. (Ugh, that doesn't sound quite right.) Anyway, I had a huge 14 oz NY Strip Steak last night that was so delicious it confirmed my suspicions that we are meant to eat meat...along with some nice brussels sprouts on the side. :)
  • Hello Offended Blogger.

    I just recently stumbled upon your site. I find your meditation on zombie vegans both therapeutic and rational. However, there is one rather large flaw in your plan. Vegans are themselves made of meat, and thus it would be unlikely for them to cannibalize one another.

    I have thought about ways to produce an end product of a singular rotund vegan you might hunt. However, I do not see such a solution.

    May I suggest instead that we commission street artists to paint faces on all plants, vegetables, and blocks of tofu? This would render their one viable food source null, causing mass starvation and eventual death.

    Thank you for your consideration,

    Critical Observer
  • In your honor (or ornery), I have blogged the Panty Jam. Thank you for sowing the seeds of yuck my folks are so used to seeing flower.
  • OMG! You are genius personified. Why have you not been given a one of those MacArthur Genius Grants?!?

    Not only do I eat things that had parents and faces, I like to start with the faces of the parents and work my way to the little 'uns. Meat = Yum. Tofu = Something that looks like a big block o' panty jam. For you fellas who are going, "What is this panty jam and would it be tasty on toast," panty jam is the piled up panty drippings from someone who's twat has gone all yeasty girl. It looks like ricotta cheese, which also explains my boycott of ricotta cheese.

    OH, shit. This is turning into a mini-blog, so I'm off to write about panty jam as I doff my cap to your vegan-zombie genius!
  • I hate vegetables, so the vegitarians are welcome to them. Bring me a nice thick BBQ'd steak served by a...are you ready for it...a sweet Bavarian beer wench. Hooyaa!
  • It's really simple. If we weren't supposed to eat animals, they wouldn't taste so damn good.
  • I love eating dead animals, sometimes a little undercooked. But I work in Boulder, Colorado, the world capitol of vegetarianism. Imagine how popular I am here. These people will kill you to keep you from killing animals. It's a scary place.
  • You know, that might work if you sell them on the idea that 1: they're full of vegetables, anyway and 2: the less there are, the more tofu for them.

    http://www.booshy.wordpress.com
  • Secret Plans and cleva tricks indeed.
  • This is so crazy it JUST MIGHT WORK!
  • Hooyah!
  • Don
    With your deadly aim and Nugent's great style and voice, you both should take out vegans or veggies or mermaids or whatever the hell they are, and fuck 'em all up. Nothing prettier than a vegan with an arrow up his/her ass! Nada!!!
  • Whoooo hooo finally someone has the grand idea to kill off all the vegans...and its all really in a passive kind of way if you think about it..

    As for me, bring on the meat baby!!
blog comments powered by Disqus