OK, I know what you’re thinking, as a hunter and consumer of both foreign & domestic meat you would expect me to be the last person to advocate veganism, right?
Right!
I mean, I really can’t stand how vegans act all superior just because I will eat anything with or without parents and/or a face and I really frigging hate how they think the rest of us should convert to their meatless ways when deep down even they know that it goes against nature:
Honestly, who in their right mind would want to give up eating meat just to look like an anorexic zombie cannibal???!!
Not me!
So publicly endorsing veganism would be like me joining the Idaho League of Neo Feminist Communists or trading in my monster truck for a Prius or forsaking Jesus by eating tofu and bean sprout tacos from Trader Joe’s, or even worse, going door to door, completely naked, proselytutioning myself for P.E.T.A….
…again…
Yeeeahh.
OK, so I wasn’t really going door to door for P.E.T.A., I just wanted to show off my new “I ♥ Jesus” tattoo (because I do!), plus I used the generous donation money I collected to buy a shiny new Bowtech bow and a permit to hunt WOLVES because thanks to recent legislation I can hunt those furry, sheep killing bastards all day long now!
Hooyah!!!
That’s right, put that in your tofu and bean sprout taco and choke on it you godless veganites!!!!!!
Anyhoo, while up in my tree stand yesterday, waiting for Bambi’s and/or Balto’s daddy to show up, I realized that if only I could somehow turn those tofu and bean sprout munchers into actual zombies and get them to cannibalize one another, the world would be a MUCH better place.
Not to mention I’d finally win that Nobel prize that I totally deserve!
It wouldn’t be hard, really, and my evil genius plan would help cull the surplus population beyond just the vegans.
First, all I have to do is sell hunting permits so that all of them can be orphaned, because that is key. Then, I’d use the profits to invent a protein supplement powder to sprinkle on their tofu and bean sprout tacos which will turn them into zombies while simultaneously speeding up the process of zombification so their faces fall off quickly.
After that happens, they’ll all have no parents, no faces and no reason whatsoever not to cannibalize each other until there is just one left standing.
He’ll be the biggest, baddest veganite zombie cannibal EVER so naturally I’ll hunt him down with my new Bowtech bow and put him in my den/trophy room where he belongs:
Yep!
He can keep Rob Zombie company, cuz he’s probably getting lonely in there.
Don’t look at me like that!
Someone had to catch him before he butchered another Halloween movie!!
Friday, October 2nd, 2009, 12:42 am | 
Movie Offensives, Nobel Prize Worthy Offensives, Vegan Offensives | 
RSS feed
| 
Respond | 
Trackback