The "Doin’ it Missionary Style" Offensive

16 Nov

Yes, I know I obsess a bit over it and I shouldn’t feel slighted by this most recent injustice which has been so rudely perpetrated against me by my mortal enemy Google aka the Antichrist, but I just can’t help it! I mean honestly, is it my fault that I’d like a little bit of credit for all of the selfless work that I do as a missionary by getting the top spot on Google search??

Ugh!

OK, so maybe being 4th out of 14,400,000 isn’t so bad but I’m pretty sure there is some sort of evil Google numerology at work there which I’ll have to ask my Ouija board dude about later, but still.

Why can’t I be #1???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Believe me, it wasn’t easy for me to decide to give up a lucrative career in Swedish massage and ball waxing so that I could move to Idaho (shhh my neighors think I’m a native!), build a secret, underground Armageddon bunker, stockpile it with guns, bullets and toilet paper and dedicate my life to making a list of which pacifist Mormons are stockpiling food and water so I know where to go when the time comes and making sure that Jesus’ prophesy about the last days would come true:

“And then shall many be offended, and blah blah blah, blah blah blah.”

Don’t look at me like that, it is too a real scripture!

Heh.

If you weren’t such a heathen you’d know this, and you’d also move to Idaho, convert to Mormonism and have your own well stocked Armageddon bunker so I could add you to my list but lucky for you I’m here and I’m on a mission to insure that even you have a chance to be spared from frying like a piece of bacon over the eternal backyard firepit of Satan himself.

You’re welcome!

Oh, and ironically, according to Google I’m doing a bang up job of it, too:

Coincidence?

I think not.

:)

*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***
  • Just be careful to not offend Google, blessed be It. Google knows all. Google sees all. And Google can smite you in a trice. You've been warned.

    By the way, not that I'm bragging, but I used to have the number one Google position for "world's thickest penis" (with the quotes). I've since moved down to number two. My friends, the Shalampaxians, took over my number one spot.
  • Talk about injustice. This is truly injustice at its worst.
  • It makes genocide and H1N1 look like f'ing Romper Room, huh!
  • Chelle, if you'd actually narrow your focus down, I'm sure you'd be #1.

    But just to be offending is so broad, it takes the breath away.

    To be able to score #4 in that large of a category SHOULD be impressive!

    Oh, and for the record? I'm moving to Idaho JUST for the massage and ball waxing.. Compliments of aomse Armageddon-inducing freedom fighter named Chelle!
  • It takes a brave, brave man to live in Idaho with waxed balls.... :p
  • WTF? You should TOTALLY be beating out the dictionary definition of offended. You ARE the very definition of offended, my dear. And don't let Google, the AntiChrist tell you otherwise.
  • Heh, once they see this they'll knock me down to the 2nd page, watch and see!
  • madmadmargo
    Where do lodge my complaint? It's an injustice that you, o'queen of the offensive, aren't numero uno!!!



    I love this comment thingy, you can edit when you fuck up.
  • I know! Lodge all complaints with Stephen Colbert. Then I can be on his show - woot! :D
  • I don't mean to be rude, or overly distracted from the really cool point of this post, but could we hear more about the "experimental years" of your offensive? Perhaps it would not only be entertaining, but also boost your standings in the Googleathon. Or, you could save the stories for those months you'll be spending hunkered in the bunker with nothing to do but count your bullets. It's your call.
  • haha I'm saving that for my memoires!
  • Ah, quit you're griping. I barely make the top 40 when you Google "Knucklehead". Of course, the first 30 or so are in reference to George W. Bush . . .
  • lollllllll well you do have quite the competition going with that keyword.
  • I wish we could have underground bunkers here, but where I live, if we dig a foot into soil we hit the Gulf of Messicans. No shit! Guess I'll just go stay at a Taco Bell during Armageddon. Nobody would dare bomb that!
  • Aw, you know I'm saving you a place in my bunker, Red. ;)
  • I love Idaho, but I'm kinda partial to any ho .
  • Even the old, dried up, wrinkly ones?? :o
  • That's pretty awesome! I mean, "offended" is such a widespread thing...hahahaha! Kick ass and keep offending every asshole out there!
  • Here is my new official motto:

    "I shall offend on the beaches, I shall offend on the landing grounds, I shall offend in the fields and in the streets, I shall offend in the hills; I shall never surrender!!!!!"
  • Jayne
    I just noticed your Flicker photos in your sidebar and the title "I live here and you don't..." Hysterical. I feel the same way about the beautiful rural community (which shall go unnamed) where I live.
  • Hehe. Isn't it nice? I'm almost afraid to share for fear others will decide to invade (like I did lol)
  • Wish I was that cool.

    Guess I'll just go back to living an actual life.
  • Or you can continue living vicariously through my virtual one...
  • If i told you i was #1 when you googled 'mind of spaz' would you be offended?
  • Yes, because I want that honor!
  • nonamedufus
    Urm, uh, oh...offended, offended blogger, yeah, that's the ticket. #1 offended blogger
  • Well at least I own the first 4 pages for "offended blogger" muwahahaha
  • Ha ha this is very funny.

    Kate x
    http://secretofficeconfessions.blogspot.com/
  • Thank you. :)
  • nonamedufus
    Aw, Chelle, you're MY #1 offending blogger
  • Awwww thanks :D
  • moooooog35
    I'm #1 in 'Mental Poo.'

    I know.

    Amazing.
  • Dammit, now I want to be #1 for that!!!
  • ThePeachTart
    This is funny you offended blogger you
  • It helps that I'm so easily offended haha :)
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