The "First They Came…." Offensive

No, this is not a post dedicated to the injustice of premature ejaculation. It is actually about the evil of antisemitism, something which has recently affected me personally.

Yeah.

It’s just like the poem says:

First they came for the communists, blah blah blah;
Then they came for the socialists, blah blah blah;
Blah blah blah, blah blah blah;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew….

Except that last part, because apparently I am a Jew and didn’t know it. I only found out by accident while doing my routine “holy shit it’s almost 2012 so I better make sure I’m prepared for the imminent return of Jesus!!!” routine.

That’s where I do stuff like: make my water bong look like a flower vase, stack the books on the coffee table so that the bible is on top and the Anarchist cookbook is on bottom, delete any incriminating pictures and videos which may or may not be held against me in a court of Holy Law from my cell phone, etc.

…..do you see it, too??

Yep, it says, “Ve R Zion“.

Heh.

And I always thought Verizon was in league with Google aka the Antichrist who are totally pro Palestine:

At least when it comes to soccer.

Anyhoo, when I was clicking around in my pro Zionist phone I noticed that if I clicked on the #6 menu item >> Tools, and then clicked the #6 thing on the list under that >> Phone Settings, and then clicked on the #6 thing in the list under that >> Current Country, it has a whoooooole list of countries for me to choose from!!

Now at first I thought it must be a bad omen with the whole 666 thing, but then I saw that the US of A was at the top of the list so I knew it was a good omen since this is God’s country, and it was preselected for me so obviously it meant that I am predestined to be here (hooyah!) which means I am one of God’s chosen people.

ie. a JEW!!

I was so happy at first but then I got to thinking…

…..what if I don’t want to be here?

I mean, as one of God’s chosen people I want to have the freewill to spend my winters like a heathen, lying on a tropical beach, drinking tequila and eating tacos in the sun all day and I’d rather my cellphone magically transport me there so I don’t have to worry that I’ll find out I’m on a terrorist watch list at the airport.

Again!

Oy vey.

Soooo, I nearly selected Mexico, hoping He’s too busy packing for His imminent return to notice me but then I started to feel guilty about cheating on Jesus the Lord AND Jesus my taco truck guy and well, let me tell you, Jewish guilt really frigging sucks!

I almost gave up but then it hit me.

I just couldn’t go wrong if I made an exodus for Israel (or שְׂרָאֵל as we like to call it), right?

Right!!

I mean, it is hot as hell there so I’m pretty sure they have beaches. Plus, there probably aren’t any taco trucks there and even if there are they’re probably kosher so I wouldn’t be tempted in the least to eat from one because….

I’m

not 

Jewish!!

Well, you know.

Not a practicing one.

So I was allllllllllllllllll set to head to the Holy Land for the winter to be with my people so we can await Jesus’ imminent return together but then I clicked SAVE and got this totally antisemitic message:

Now I know just how my poor ghetto cousins felt when they weren’t allowed to open kosher delis in the trendy suburbs of Kaiserslautern.