The "Not In MY Backyard!" Offensive

3 Nov

For my first contribution to this month’s Humor Bloggers Unite Against Injustice Campaign, I’ve decided to tackle an issue that hits close to home for me: wild coyotes who feast upon the innocent flesh of unsuspecting teenage folk singers.

I know!

And it happened right in my own backyard!!

OK, so it actually happened in some remote area of Canada, but still. The very idea that it could happen in my backyard is chilling to say the least and we both know that it won’t be long before the Canadian coyotes will be bragging to the Montana coyotes and they’ll tell the Idaho coyotes and…

I know!

I mean it’s bad enough that I have to worry about being eaten alive by hobo spiders, grizzly bears, rabid wolves and psychopathic serial killing cannibals who are just passing through on their way to Florida, but now if I decide to sell all of my guns and buy a second hand acoustic guitar and wander off into the “beauty and serenity” of the woods looking for inspiration for my next song, I have to watch my back for coyotes bent on keeping me from winning the next Canadian Idol, too??

Jesus.

Don’t look at me like that.

It could happen.

OK, probably not because (a) I have no illusions about the illusion of the serenity of the woods and (b) thank God I live in Idaho where I don’t have to go out into them armed with only inspiration and an acoustic guitar!!

Hooyah!

Oh yeah and (c) here in Idaho our coyotes know better because we can kill them ALL YEAR LONG and hang their dead carcasses up on fence posts as a warning sign to the others!

Which we do!

Hooyah again!!

Still, it doesn’t change the fact I worry that the rest of you probably aren’t safe from the possibility that vicious coyotes may be lying in wait just around the corner….

….so I hereby avow to fight this injustice the best way I know how!!

By staying right here in Idaho and killing as many of those little bastards that I can.

You’re welcome!!

:)

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  • whenever I have coyotes that need to be extinguished, I always hire a road runner...the coyotes end up destroying themselves...usually with the help of ACME products...
  • Wow! thank you for saving me! coyotes are a little scary and judgemental and sarcastic...the bastards!
    Rid the world of them all girl! Rock on, I totally support you!...unless you get arrested, then youre on your own!
  • quirkyloon
    But what kind of tacos do they make?

    Anything worth eating?

    But then again, any meat with jalapenos will satisfy me!

    Ha!
  • I live in Florida where we've been battling rabid hobo psychopathic serial killing cannibal coyotes for years. One peice of advice... Kill the queen... You MUST kill the queen!
  • Is that what coyotes look like? We don't have animals in NYC. Excluding rats and pigeons, of course.

    Oh, and people, I guess.
  • Be Careful! I am from Canada and just the other day I over-heard a couple of coyotes talking about how their cousins in Idaho are planning on striking all singers in your state. Not just the folky ones so be on the lookout!

    Great post by the way! You sure have a way of making us laugh. Great job!
  • In Colorado, we handle coyotes the same way you handle them in Idaho--with rifles. It's very effective. And their coats make great coats, although you won't catch folk singers in one. It's not politically correct, you know.
  • Hell yes kill them! That's what they're for...target practice. We do the same down here with 'em if we see them. Sometimes even if we suspect one is nearby we may shoot first and ask questions later. Shit happens! Besides, I got dat ole greasy fingah!
  • LMAO... as a resident of the Canadian Great White North... I thank you! ;o)
  • Just doin' my part to make the world a better place. ;)
  • Go get 'em!
  • Maybe after lunch.

    And a nap.

    :)
  • RCD
    I had a coyote ugly girl in my cab last week, and there's an ugly coyote tavern not far from here, but the doggie sitting on that bus seat looks kinda cute and harmless.
  • I bet the coyote ugly girl looked cute and harmless too! You never can tell what danger lurks beneath... ;)
  • RCD
    I don't know.... She had a face that looked like a pepperoni pizza, was fat, had her hair in a puke colored short perm, and she was dragging a zebra whelp. Nobody could mistake her for cute, and that whelp was probably her meal ticket so she's got to be pretty dangerous.
  • No need to become the Coyote Slasher...I'm sure your trance-inducing guitar serenade will do the trick and woo him to submission.
  • Or scare them, either way I'm happy! :)
  • They're showing up here in West Virginia now. If I see one, I'll kill it in your name. Until then, you have an award at my blog today!
  • An award for meeeeee??

    I'm all over that. :D
  • I hear.....Coyotes taste like chicken.

    Or maybe that was....Coyotes like tasty chicken.
  • Maybe chicken tastes like... oh nevermind. :)
  • moooooog35
    It's okay.

    They ate a FOLK SINGER.

    I say we ship in more coyotes.
  • YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!!!

    She was only 19 and quite cute, you know. Naive and obviously unarmed, too. :(
  • madmadmargo
    Is there a hidden message here? I thought coyotes were involved in human smuggling, at least they are in Arizona.

    What in the hell is a hobo spider? (*MMM googles***)
  • Hobo spiders crawl up from the bowels of hell each year to torment me!

    Seriously, they are so evil that they killed the world's leading authority on them just a few miles from my house! http://hobospider.org/
  • concerned citizen
    I feel safer knowing you are prowling the woods with a gun.

    Thank you.
  • I wouldn't use the word "prowling" persay.

    More like stalking. :)
  • Um, you don't live ear the railway tracks do you? Then why are you worried about hobo spiders?
  • Noooo, we've yet to have the railroad come through Idaho, duh! You fancy city folks are so silly. :p
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