The "You Can’t Always Get What You Want" Offensive
12 Nov
I’m sure you’ll agree that there is nothing quite like the injustice of not getting exactly what you want, how you want it, where you want it and when you want it, right?
Right!
Especially on special occasions like your birthday or anniversary or when someone in the family whom you pretended to love just in case there was an inheritance involved dies OR on really special occasions like every other Wednesday.
Don’t look at me like that.
Hey, every other Wednesday around here just happens to be when Jesus runs his “buy two tacos and get a quarter ounce of sticky, imported “incense” at half price” special down at the taco truck:
Hooyah!
Unfortunately, I don’t always wake up in time to beat the morning elementary school bus crowd so a lot of times I get there and he is already out of sticky, imported “incense” so I’m left having to settle for half priced extra, extra jalepenos instead.
Which I get for free when it isn’t every other Wednesday!
Yeah.
Anyhoo, I feel as equally let down nearly every year on my birthday and anniversary when the hubs, despite all best intentions, fails to deliver exactly what I’ve demanded asked for as a present.
For example, for my last birthday I clearly asked for an authentic Swedish masseur but instead of importing one for me he bought me a year’s worth of Swedish massages from the local spa.
I know!
I mean, it was a nice gesture and everything, but he knows I’m already trained to do Swedish massage so why the hell would I need someone else to do them for me??
Heh.
That would be like me asking for a Brazilian ball waxer…
…and instead he gets me gift certificates for Brazilian ball waxing.
Which I can totally do myself, too!
Well, if I had balls to wax, but that’s beside the point.
Ugh.
OK, so maybe I overreact a bit when I don’t get what I want, but honestly, did he expect me not to go into a hysterical rage and break everything in the house and then make him sleep outside in the arctic cold for a week with only the warmth of the burning massage gift certificates to keep him warm??
Hopefully he learned his lesson because our anniversary is coming up and I’ve already told him that I want a Scottish bagpiper like this one (who just happens to be walking through a gay parade but totally isn’t gay dammit!):
I’m sure that’s just what I’ll get, too, but just in case I end up with a set of authentic Scottish bagpipes instead, I bought the hubs a present he will definitely want: a year’s worth of gift certificates from the local proctologist.
