Since ‘sexting’ has contributed to the downfall of moral giants like Tiger Woods and Carrie Prejean and will undoubtedly be what brings down Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when I go public with our torrid, long-distance ‘you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-my-naked-goat’ electronic love affair, I decided to do an in-depth investigation into just how widespread this phenomenon is.
Why do I care, you ask?
Well for one thing, I’m concerned about the traffic hazard it creates, especially among our youth, since you need one hand to sext and the other to, well, ya know, and not all of us are talented enough to maneuver successfully down an icy road in their monster truck using only one knee while simultaneously sipping a latte, changing out Rammstein cd’s and sexting with perverted world leaders like I can!
Heh.
Believe me, the last thing I need is for some inexperienced, teenaged sexter to lose control and plow into me with their mom’s minivan while trying to send pics of their junk to Mette-Marit, the Crown Princess of Norway, because let’s face it, I’d flatten them like a fucking pancake in my monster truck and then have to flee the scene and that might take all the fun out of my own international mobile sexting for the rest of the day.
Plus, if I’m going to expose my own dirty little sexting secrets then I want to expose everyone else’s, dammit, and during my three day investigation into the matter I’ve learned that no one is innocent. Not you, not me, especially not the perverted 16 year old boy next door armed with unlimited sexting and the keys to his mom’s minivan and not even Jesus – who finally unblocked me so I could sext with him again!
Hooyah!!!
Of course that didn’t last long.
Right after I asked him to send me pictures of him pouring jalepeno juice onto his ‘spicy burrito’ for me he frigging re-blocked me:
Ugh.
He’s such a prude!
Anyhoo, I forgot all about that loser once I realized that even God Himself is just as perverted as the rest of us, maybe even more so!
Seriously, it’s true!
The following is an actual screenshot and the censored version of the transcript of our dirty sex chat which, btw, was done from the safety of my bedroom and not while I was behind the wheel of my monster truck (only because it was around 3:00 which is when the high school lets out and between you and me, I’m scared to be on the road at that time of day!):
Me:
hey sexy
God:
You’ve got my full attention. You are attracted to heavenly creatures?
Me:
they r hawt
God:
hawt are they.
Me:
do u want 2 see me naked?
God:
Do you want me to see me naked?
Me:
are u naked?
God:
I do not own any clothes.
Me:
that is so hawt. ask me what I am wearing.
God:
What are you wearing?
Me:
why do u want 2 know?
God:
Because you wanted me to.
Me:
u r a perv
God:
I believe it is you who is a “perv”.
Me:
show me ur ****
God:
Like this? (Inserts picture link here).
Me:
lmao! i mean, do u have a car?
God:
No I prefer to take the bus.
Me:
well no offense but with a **** that little u really need a car
Me:
Hello? r u still here?
Me:
God???
Me:
loser
Don’t look at me like that.
As a journalist I have a right, nay, a duty to expose everyone and if you and me and Tiger and Jesus and Mahmoud and everyone else on planet earth are all perverts, what made you think God wasn’t one, too??
I mean, we ARE all made in His image, right??
Right.
Well, the rest of you freaks are.
I only send naked pics of my goat.
Friday, December 11th, 2009, 8:44 pm | 
Personal Offensives, Perverted Offensives, Unholy Offensives | 
RSS feed
| 
Respond | 
Trackback
December 11, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Goats? They’ll go perfect with my sheep that I use solely for the purpose of gathering the wool for knitting sweaters for the homeless… Send pics asap!
December 11, 2009 at 11:11 pm
Don’t be so sure! I found that many of us sleepsext without knowing it!
When I say us, I mean you of course. :p
December 11, 2009 at 11:12 pm
OK, but you have to send me pics of your sheep, i mean sweaters, first.
December 12, 2009 at 12:43 am
Your mind is a really interesting place.
December 12, 2009 at 1:44 am
If interesting is a synonym for deranged, you are right.
December 12, 2009 at 1:51 am
Deranged, yes, but brilliantly so. And frightening. Definitely frightening. And yet, I keep coming back for more…
December 12, 2009 at 1:56 am
i think i see a reality show for the religious channel.
December 12, 2009 at 2:44 am
In Kazakhstan, naked pics of goats is still considered porn.
Damn, I wish I lived there.
December 12, 2009 at 3:00 am
lol that is what my psychiatrist says!
December 12, 2009 at 3:03 am
I’m glad I found this out about you BEFORE I hit your blog and Stumbled it (why was I the first one to Stumble you btw?!) and decided that if I handed out frivolous “you are the bestest blogger ever!!” awards you’d totally be in my top 5 list.
Now that I know just how perverted you are I put you in the top 3.
December 12, 2009 at 3:04 am
Yes! That’s what they need. Religious reality programming for the win!
December 12, 2009 at 8:09 am
Who you calling Freaks? That’s my job.
December 12, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Why are you interested in God’s ass…terisks? Sorry if this comment is a bit late. Hey, speaking of a little behind y’all can kiss mine. ;o
December 12, 2009 at 9:29 pm
You’re right, what was I thinking?!
Please don’t sue..
:p
December 12, 2009 at 9:30 pm
It was purely for research purposes, I swear it.
OK, maybe I was a bit curious, but I’m sure I’m not the only one.
December 14, 2009 at 4:12 am
Have you ever sexted with an iPhone? There’s this cool app that …(the rest of this sentence is censored by the internet government)… and after it’s done you have to smoke a cigarette.
December 14, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Funny, I don’t remember that conversation with you AT ALL.
December 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm
You are seriously freakin’ hilarious.
December 15, 2009 at 2:28 am
I just hope God has a sense of humor heh.
December 15, 2009 at 2:28 am
You were probably drunk.
December 15, 2009 at 2:28 am
Ooooh, now I’m definitely putting an iPhone on my Xmas list!
December 15, 2009 at 8:46 am
I may have been made in God’s image, but I’m pretty sure I got the short end of the stick, if you get my drift.
P.S. — If you’ve been sexting with God, then regular men are going to be pretty dull from now on. Sexting with God is like watching porn. It spoils you to ordinary things. Or so I’ve heard. From Moooog. I wouldn’t know myself. I swear.
December 18, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Religious Reality TV? Are you fekking insane??
Those freaky Catholic Priests are fekking sensored in most countries! You can’t show Father Donagal fiddling with the wee boys behind the pews on national television. WWJD?
It would scar us all for life, demmit!
December 21, 2009 at 8:05 am
I had a comment in mind while reading this post and by the time I got to the end, I was laughing so hard that I forgot what I wanted to say. You are the greatest.
January 13, 2010 at 6:54 am
Insanely funny…..just getting up from my chair from which i fall down laughing and the whole office is looking at me…Damn you!!