The "Tiger Woods and the Suicide Blonde?" Offensive
8 Dec
Admit it, when you heard that an unnamed blonde had been taken from Tiger Wood’s house in an ambulance this morning your first thought was, “she nearly killed herself for THAT loser??!“.
Yeah, me too, and I’m not ashamed, either.
It’s not that I hoped Elin had overdosed on a lethal combination of Haldol, Halcion and Hydroxycut or anything, but it would have stepped things up a notch at least, right?
Right!
Let’s face it, we need someone to fill in the void left by Jon and Kate (who I fully expected to murder/suicide themselves for my entertainment by now) and until Angelina finally snaps and machetes Brad and then cannibalizes him during one of their “humanitarian” missions in Africa, we have no choice but to continue counting on Tiger and Elin to do their duty and keep things interesting.
Between you and me, I kinda hoped it was Tiger in a wig this morning, pretending to be Elin, attempting to escape from his 6,000 square foot self-made prison. You know, sort of like a convict who fakes illness so he can eat the nurse’s face and make his way back into society?
It would have been even better had it been one of Tiger’s secret lovers trying to escape from the basement where she had been hiding ever since he brought her home from the airport bar on Thanksgiving eve. I could totally see why she’d get sick of waiting for him and decide to risk being clubbed to death by Elin so she could sell her salacious tale to the Enquirer and then wait for Larry King and Hugh Hefner to call!
Of course, we all know Elin is a crazy bitch so she wouldn’t have made it out alive and I don’t know about you, but I’d have been thoroughly entertained watching Fox News’ live coverage of the subsequent 12 hour standoff.
Yep, I can just see it now…
Elin being hauled out in handcuffs, all bruised and bloody in the end, finally giving herself up after she clubbed Tiger to death and then lit the house on fire, holding her head high with a look of smug satisfaction on her face as she gracefully stepped over the bodies of S.W.A.T. team members who had been killed by friendly fire and flaming debris….
Investigators digging in the charred rubble three weeks later, still unable to locate Tiger’s remains so they can use his dental records to identify him, instead uncovering a hidden bunker filled with Russian sex slaves that Tiger had smuggled in months earlier and had forgotten about….
The lone survivor writing a bestselling book detailing how she miraculously survived, her long journey towards recovery and just how fucking perverted Tiger really was….
Admit it, that would have been awesome.
The only thing that would make the whole scenario even better would be if the secret mile-high lover who emerged from Tiger’s basement with hopes of being featured in an upcoming issue of Playboy only to be clubbed to death by a three iron and hauled out on a stretcher for my entertainment in the wee hours of this otherwise boring morning was this guy:
Heh.
I wouldn’t blame Elin for wanting to keep him from making a beeline to the Enquirer and I’m pretty sure Tiger probably wouldn’t have wanted to live to see that shit get out, either.
What with his obsession with privacy and all.
