Now don’t be jealous, but I happen to be one of those fortunate ones that you’re always reading about in National Geographics who lives in a picture postcard paradise where the air is clean, the trees are green and the little song birds sing all summer long just for ME:
Well, they also sing for about a million tourists who show up here every year just to annoy the fuck out of me.
Stupid, indiscriminate birds!!
To make it worse, over the years, the tourists have morphed from consisting mainly of Euro dorks like this guy who is so consumed with the idea that socks and sandals make him look sexy that he doesn’t seem to mind when I pull up to camp in my 35′ rolling condo (with a 32″ flat panel tv and surround sound)…
…to atheistic, communistic, tree hugging freaks like these who migrate in herds down from Canada and always want to try to make me feel guilty for not being as eco-friendly as them:
Hey, my urine is groovy and organic too!!!
I just refuse to piss in my gas tank.
Cuz that is just sick.
Now, don’t get me wrong, they and I do have one thing in common. Despite the fact that I love Jesus with all my heart and body and soul, deep down I, too, love to smoke sticky “incense” and I am a Darwinist at heart.
It’s true!! I believe wholeheartedly in survival of the fittest and between you and me, according to the laws of natural selection, all of those hippie bastards should have been exterminated by nature a long frigging time ago! But nooooo, thanks to inventions like Amnesty International and the ACLU and the FDA and polio vaccines, natural selection can not properly do it’s job anymore so I’m stuck with their kind flocking to MY backyard every year.
Ugh!!!
To make it worse, they like to get naked and breed out in the open:
I know!!
It’s just not natural.
OK, so it is natural, but it’s not fair, though. I mean, doesn’t it occur to them that maybe I want to leave the comfort of my 35′ rolling condo (with a 32″ flat panel tv and surround sound) to go out into the woods to get naked and breed out in the open, too? Dammit, I should be allowed to do that without a bunch of atheistic, tree hugging communists watching me!!
Honestly, I perform much better when I’m in front of fully clothed, God-fearing capitalists, anyway.
Heh.
Especially if I know Jesus is watching.
Hooyah!!
Anyhoo, recently while I was out camping, I nearly ran over ran into this guy, who had somehow gotten cut off from his commie, hippie herd, so I decided to practice a little Darwinism while no witnesses were around to ruin my fun:
That’s right, after he offered to get naked and breed with me I kicked his commie, hippie ass and made him cry like a little girl, then used some extra strength super glue and a few rusty nails to keep him out of my way while I harvested his sticky “incense” grove:
Don’t look at me like that, you and I both know he’d have been hugging that tree eventually anyway. Plus, maybe if others in his herd see him it will prompt them to piss in their gas tanks and take their commie, hippie asses back up to Canada where they belong.
Then I can enjoy MY backyard.
