The Offended Blogger

The other day I was chatting online with my new black Army friend who convinced me that this whole "Don't Axe, Don't Tell" military policy is wrong, wrong, WRONG and should be repealed immediately!

At least I'm pretty sure he's black. His avatar is Obama and he has 50 Cent on his MySpace playlist. Plus, every time we chat he says "ya know wha I'm sayin?" at the end of every single sentence. Sometimes he even says it in the middle of a sentence which, between you and me, is kind of annoying, but I forgive him because it's Black History Month and all.

Stupid white guilt!!

Ugh.

Anyhoo, he is right about "Don't Axe, Don't Tell". How can any sane person support a policy that openly encourages such anti-social, psychopathic behavior from our military personnel?

These sort of people should be outed publicly, like the Nazi's at Nuremberg:

Heh.

Believe me, if I was in the military and I found out that someone in my foxhole was a homicidal, axe-wielding maniac I'd be the first one to help them bury the bodies and clean up the bloody mess afterward just so I could get out alive and rat them out to our commanding officer.

And Fox News!

Unless it was you, of course. I'd totally keep it on the down-low for you.

Well, unless Stephen Colbert called. I mean, no offense, but I'd rat myself out just for the chance to go on The Colbert Report.

Hooyah!!

OK, I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., your new black Army friend (who may or may not be a homicidal, axe-wielding maniac) might actually be the head Majorette of the gay R.O.T.C. and is trying to trick you into becoming a flaming liberal:"

Hmmm.

Maybe I won't change my mind about "Don't Axe, Don't Tell" after all. Let those flaming liberals axe each other to death!

Ya know wha I'm sayin?

OK, so this is going to probably offend all of you Obama supporting, metrosexual animal lovers who pay ungodly amounts of money dressing your chihuahuas up like Paris Hilton and entering them into “I Have the Gayest Eunuch Dog!” contests, but I will have you know that I am reallllllly depressed after having to shoot one of my favorite pets this week in order to put him out of my misery.

That’s right!

I put a bullet right in his little head.

Hey, don’t look at me like that, someone had to do it! Believe me, even though I’ve done it before, and will probably do it again someday, it isn’t something I enjoy doing and it was very traumatic for me, so I’d appreciate it if you just gave me some room to grieve and wear black and listen to my new Metallica CD and stuff.

He and I were very close, you know.

OK, that isn’t exactly true and it wasn’t all that traumatic, well, for me at least, because between you and me, I felt like that little bastard deserved it!

He was trouble with a capital “T” from day one:

Yeah, and he did, too!

Every frigging chance he got!!!

Ugh.

OK, I admit it, when he was little it was kinda cute but like with all pets, although he may have started out doing EVERYTHING cute, by the time he was full grown, with a ballsack the size of a pair of bowling balls, pissing all over his beard and trying to breed with every living and non-living entity within proximity of his pen, any affection I may have had for him had completely worn off and was replaced by sheer disgust.

Especially when he got close enough to headbutt me in the ass because that hurt!!

Not to mention the fact that he really smelled badly.

In fact, him and his billy goat aroma and amorous ways, not to mention his affinity for trying to breed any and everything within reach, including my horses, is what led to his demise!

Apparently, he used his gigantic goat penis to knock the fence down that separated him and my mare, and since she has better taste than to sex up a smelly billy goat with a urine stained beard, she kicked the f*cker and broke his leg in a thousand places, leaving him dazed and confused and, knowing him, probably even more aroused and determined.

Yep, so of course I was left to finish the job.

Which I did.

I MEAN I had to shoot him to put him out of his misery! Man, you are such a pervert!!

Anyhoo, I did it while all the other goats were watching, just to send a message that Chelle B. will not tolerate being headbutted in the ass by ANY of those horny bastards anymore!!

Believe me, they are afeared of me now:

Yes. I. Am.

Of course, as soon as I showered twelve times to get the billy goat stink and blood off of me, I went in the Humor Bloggers chat room for sympathy and told my friend Bee all about how I had to shoot my goat… and do you know that her first words WEREN’T, “Oh, Chelle, I am so sorry! Are YOU alright???“.

Oh, noooo, do you know what she asked me???!!!

“Chelle, what did you do with the meat?!“

I KNOW!!

WTF?!!!

I was speechless, too.

Everyone knows that goats are not made of meat, they are made of, well, meat but I sure the hell wouldn’t eat it!

Only weirdos and Satan worshippers eat goat:

Plus, even if I were a weirdo or still a Satan worshipper, my goats are wayyyy too frigging cute to eat. Even the big smelly ones of the penile persuasion.

Oh, believe me, I know I should have called my ACLU certified Jewish lawyer to sue her ass for impeding on my civil rights, as it was quite offensive for her to say that about my poor goat, but I am not like that. I don’t sue over petty things and I don’t want you think badly of her, because honestly, despite having a sick and twisted mind, I really think Bee, deep down, is a very sweet person.

Uh, or not!!

I guess I better rethink my stance on calling my ACLU certified Jewish lawyer up to tell him how she is impeding on my civil rights by offending me, because she just sent me this picture and LOL’d at me:

UGH!!!!

I am telling you, if I see her driving up and down my street with a knife and fork in hand, I am afraid I am going to have to skip the law suit altogether and just use my Hello Kitty sniper rifle to impede on her civil rights and put her out of my misery!!!

Frigging Satan worshipping goat eaters.

:p

Chelle B.

Awww, thanks, I know you know I am….