The Offended Blogger

So, um, no offense, but if you came here to victimize me I’m going to have to ask you to just go away and find someone else to victimize. I’m sure there are plenty of other people who would enjoy your victimization much more than I would, and I’m sure they deserve it more than I do.

Hey, I’m serious!

Don’t look at me like that. It’s not my fault that I just can’t take being victimized anymore!!!!!!!

OK, I know what you’re thinking… “Chelle B., who in the world is victimizing you? Whoever it is, I’ll kick their ass because I’m your #1 fan and I only love it when you victimize me with your Offensives!!!“.

Awww, thanks!! That is sooooo nice of you and if you really want to help me not to be a victim, I guess you can start by kicking some ass on the people who made my refrigerator:

I know!!

It is empty but hey, it’s not my fault.

I read the ENTIRE manual and nowhere in it did it say that I had to go get a job and keep buying food to put in there!!

Ugh.

Those global refrigerator conglomerates obviously work in tandem with these bullies:

Yeah, I am their victim too!

Those evil bankers work with those evil foreclosure sign manufacturers who are probably enslaving and victimizing an entire indigenous group somewhere in Guatemala, all just to victimize me.

Between you and me, it’s not MY fault that I lied about having a job or enough money to pay the mortgage or that I didn’t read the terms of my loan before I signed it!

I mean, that’s not MY problem, that’s the bank’s problem, right?!!

Right.

Ugh.

Believe me, those evil banks just love to victimize me every chance they get. They’ve done it for years, starting with giving me all those credit cards I had to use to pay for tacos and beer and bikinis for all those trips I had to take down to Cabo for spring break while I was in college getting my degree in the fundamentals of victimization.

They even repossessed my car that they financed for me just because I only made 2 payments on it and assumed they wouldn’t notice!!

I know.

How dare them notice.

Well, at least I’m not the only victim out there. I went to school with a lot of them. Victims like this guy:

Now you tell me, why the hell didn’t the college tell any of us that we weren’t going to get our dream jobs and be rich right after we graduated??!! I mean, everyone knows a college degree is supposed to be a guarantee to a life of ease, right?!

Right.

So really, it won’t be HIS fault when in 20 years he is too overqualified and can’t find a job as an abstract baking soda analyst, right??

Right!!

Oh, and I hope you’ll give him a dollar when you see his sorry ass out by the freeway holding his sad sign:

Hey, don’t give me that look.

You better feel sorry for him!!

Don’t you know that not feeling sorry for him would be victimizing that poor victimized victim even more??

OK, I know what you’re thinking and before you say it, how dare you even think of suggesting that he take a job as a waiter or janitor or fast food server or taco truck driver?!

I mean, how frigging cruel are you that you would have him take away some poor illegal bastard’s job?! Didn’t that poor illegal bastard not suffer enough punishment by being stuffed into a box car with 12,000 other poor illegal bastards?

Don’t you feel at all guilty that he probably practically suffocated while being shipped over the border for that job??

Honestly.

My overqualified friend should sue your ass for just thinking about not giving him a dollar, and that poor illegal bastard whose job you want taken away should sue your ass, too.

Hell, I should sue your ass myself, because frankly, just the very idea that you might think about them like this makes me feel victimized by proxy!

Hey, don’t think I won’t sue you, either. I’m already suing the makers of this:

That’s right! I have been a victim on toilet paper for, well, for as long as I’ve been wiping my ass with it!!

My lawyer said that it’s not MY fault that I am addicted to it, either. Those evil genius bastards who manufacture toilet paper made it extra soft and cushiony on purpose because they knew that I would get hooked on using it.

Yep, and he is going to make them pay me millions in damages. I’ll never have to work again and I can wipe my ass with crisp, clean fifty dollar bills!

Hooyah!!

Hey, now that I think of it, you’re probably a victim of toilet paper, too.

If you promise to give my overqualified friend a dollar, I’ll give you the number to my lawyer, OK?!

I mean, it’s not like the UND nickname is the “Drunken Sioux” and this guy is their mascot…although that would be kind of funny, really.

….. David Gipp, president of United Tribes Technical College in Bismarck, said the nickname and logo cause problems for Indian students at UND. Gipp is a member of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe.

“Regardless of their tribal background or their views on the subject, students who attend UND are invariably drawn into situations that range from inappropriate to uncomfortable to racially charged,” Gipp said in a letter submitted to board members.

Phil St. John, of Mandan, who attended the board’s meeting to speak about the nickname, said its offensiveness to many Indians should be reason enough to drop it. He said he was a member of the Sisseton-Wahpeton Sioux tribe.

“If I got up and started talking about white culture, American culture, and I offended the lady over there, and the man sitting over there, if they came up and told me, ‘I was offended by what you said,’ you know something, I would never say that again,” St. John said. “The fact is, I hurt two individuals.”

“This climate deprives Indian students of the expectation of a peaceful educational environment conducive to learning,” Gipp’s letter said.

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Call me insensitive, but for some reason, I have a REALLY hard time believing that Indian students are “deprived of a peaceful educational environment” because the nickname of the UND is the “Fighting Sioux”.

Please.