I can honestly say that there are few times when I am left nearly speechless by a news article, but this is one of those rare occasions. Behold the screenshot to your left and read the article here. In the meantime, I am off to fill up my monster truck and do my part to keep Idaho green.
Hooyah!!!
Hey, no offense to all you eco-friendly do-gooders out there, but I give up! I will just never be as good as you are at this stuff.
Ugh.
Don’t give me that look.
I really wanted to be eco-friendly, and believe me and it wasn’t cheap when I went out and bought some of these for my secret eco-friendly greenhouse:
Yep, they were well worth the investment, too, because with all the money I made from the *ahem* increased productivity of my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse I built twelve more secret, eco-friendly greenhouses and upgraded to one of these:
That’s right!!
And my eco-friendly humanitarian efforts didn’t stop there, either!!
In fact, I wanted to help poor, out of state hunters with bad aim to not go home empty handed, so I graciously allowed them to pay me $1,000 per person to pose with all the dead geese that were hapless victims of my freakishly large, yet highly eco-friendly windmill:
Oh yeeah.
All of this eco-friendliness was really paying off for me for quite a long time, too, until I found out that those harbingers of eco-friendly light that they call compact fluorescent bulbs would work even better for my secret, eco-friendly greenhouse operation:
Oh, they worked great until I accidentally tripped on the way out of my secret greenhouse one day and broke that stupid #$%^ing burned out bulb you see up there in that picture.
Ugh.
Yep, and I knew that even in it’s unbroken, burned out form it needed to be disposed of properly, like the hazardous non-eco friendly waste that it is, but once it was broken and leaking all of those deadly toxins all over the floor of my greenhouse…
Well…
I panicked!
You see, I had forgotten that the only Hazmat response team in my little Idaho town also happens to be Jesus and his cousin Pedro:
Yeahhh.
Oh, believe me, I WOULD have called them, but uh, well…
Let’s just say that I told him that I stopped buying his sticky, imported “incense” from the taco truck because my glaucoma was cured, but really, I had just collected enough seeds and was growing my own.
I know.
He would have been sooooo pissed!!!!
Anyhoo… like I said, I panicked.
It is all a blur to me now, really, but I think I may or may not have jumped into my not-so-eco-friendly monster truck and I may or may not have knocked over one little telephone pole on the way out of town:
OK, that’s not exactly the truth.
I may or may not have jumped in my truck and knocked over all of my secret greenhouses and my illegal windmill/goose hunting operation on the way out.
Wellllllll… and one of the flaming arms of my illegal windmill may or may not have landed three blocks over and may or may not have cut through the gas main and lit it on fire:
Hey, you don’t have to lecture me!
I am fully aware that that sort of thing is not eco-friendly!! Believe me, that was the worst of it.
Then again, it may or may not have gotten much, much worse than that, now that I think about it.
OK, it did get worse.
Ugh.
Hey, how the hell was I supposed to know that one little severed gas main MAY or may not set off a chain reaction that may or may not have made Yellowstone erupt spontaneously:
I’m no frigging geologist!
My neighbors are always pissed at me anyway, so screw them if they can’t appreciate my failed humanitarian and eco-friendly efforts.
Hey, at least I survived it all, along with my monster truck, a pocket full of sticky “incense” seeds and my favorite eco-friendly restaurant:
Yeah, I do miss Jesus and his tacos, but it’s all good.
Eventually another guy named Jesus will immigrate up here with his taco truck, and then I’ll sell him MY sticky, homegrown “incense”.
Environmental Offensives, Personal Offensives | 
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You know that old saying, ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em‘?? Well, no offense, but that’s exactly what I’ve decided to do by joining the masses and going green.
Hey, don’t look at me like that, it’s not my fault!
Look, I tried beating them but apparently they haven’t made recyclable condoms yet because those eco-friendly people are very, VERY friendly and keep breeding so I am way outnumbered!
It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.
I only have sex for fun, and not for procreation, while they are obviously doing it for fun AND to procreate so that they can take over the world!!
Gobshite bastards.
OK, I know what you’re thinking, “Chelle B., please tell me that ‘going green’ for you just means using lots of Irish curse words and that you aren’t going to sell your monster truck and turn vegan and start protesting naked with PETA and stuff!!!“.
Oh, please!
You know me better than that!
For one thing, I can’t see myself protesting getting naked, and for another, I like my food to have a fecking face.
It tastes wayyyy better that way!
Plus, there is no way I can live without my monster truck. I mean, can you imagine what would happen to me up here in Idaho if I hit a moose while driving one of these:
Exactly!!
Believe me, I’ll figure out a way to convert my monster truck to run on fresh mountain air or deer scat or something before I ever get rid of it.
Anyway, I’ll be needing it to help spread the word!
Yep, in fact, pretty soon, I’ll be painting my monster truck BRIGHT green and putting this sticker on the side of it, to promote the new show that I’m going to be hosting on the Discovery Channel:
Yep, move over Mike Rowe and your Dirty self, Chelle B. is going to be Going Green (to the feckin’ Extreme!) soon over there at Discovery!!
Hooyah!!
That’s right, and not only me, either. I’ll be featuring only the most extreme recyclers and re-users out there and believe it or not, there are a lot of them!!
Like these guys, who have been in the extreme eco biz for a long, looooong time:
Hey, shark shit really IS green!! I didn’t believe it either at first, until I actually went out on the boat with them and saw it for myself.
No pun intended, but it was pretty amazing shit, really!!!
I even got to chum a local politician, which was quite rewarding, if I may say so myself.
Oh, and speaking of chum, I also met with the CEO of the company who invented the “Chum Chipper 2000″:
It is an amazing piece of equipment.
Sheer genius, really.
Think about it, we ALL eventually have dead hamsters, cats, dogs, birds and fish just lying around the yard in their little shallow graves, basically contributing nothing to the environment, right?
Right.
Well, this nifty little machine turns them all into a rich, high quality mulch in just minutes, and it’s something you and your children can take pride in using, not to mention the joy you will get when you eat those wonderful vegetables that Fido and Fluffy helped to grow!!
There is even a larger, industrial sized “Chum Chipper 3000″ for those of us with horses and other miscellaneous livestock who could be put to better use once they have ‘expired’.
Hey, and if that impresses you, this next company will amaze you even more with how extreme they went in the green department!
Now, between you and me, I’ve known for a long time that we REALLY need to cut back our dependence on cheap Chinese clothing made from synthetic fibers and toxic chemicals. I mean, all those toxic t-shirt fumes we collectively inhale is probably why we have so many dumb-ass people in our country who don’t even know who Ben Bernanke is!!
Hell, half of them probably watched shows like “Flip this House” and thought they’d get rich by flipping houses.
Ugh.
Anyhoo, being the host of a quality, intelligent show like “Going Green to the Feckin’ Extreme”, I tracked down this company in West Virginia called “Re-Tan Your Hide“.
They have come up with a perfect solution to our dumbed down by toxic t-shirt fumes and creating housing bubbles that ruin our economy problem.
For a nominal fee, you and your family can turn your ‘previously tanned by the sun when they walked the earth’ loved one’s hides into extremely durable and quite fashionable clothing items:
Nope, that isn’t a purse made for Gramma Betty.
That’s right, it is a purse made FROM Gramma Betty!! I mean, does it get any more feckin’ green OR extremely sentimental than that?!
I think not!
Hey, and don’t forget Grandpa, either.
He’d not only approve, but he’d make a lovely leather jacket or pair of boots:
I want a whole biker outfit made out of my grandparents!!
Between you and me, hopefully they’ll go pretty soon, too, so that I can wear them to Sturgis this year.
Oh! Speaking of ME, last but not least, my first show will feature the most amazing ‘extremely green’ company of all.
You are not going to believe this one:
Yep, they have a whole line of personal care items that are made from, now brace yourself, YOU!!
No, I’m not kidding!
Here is a breakdown of the stuff in that picture that will be featured on my first show:
1) YOU! Herbal tea ~ made from the choicest ingredients picked from between your toes after you have spent the day out weeding in your garden (the garden you grow after using the Chum Chipper, of course!).
2) YOU! Back scratcher * ~ made from your own recycled arm, hand and finger bones (after the inevitable unfortunate accident which is bound to happen while using the Chum Chipper, of course! *Only available if you immediately use the emergency shut off switch and enough of your severed arm is intact to harvest parts from!).
3) YOU! Loofah pads ~ made from the dry skin peeled off of your feet and elbows, glued together with the plaque from your own teeth!
4) YOU! Lip balm ~ made from your own recycled ear wax!
5) YOU! Body oil ~ made from, you guessed it! Your own body oil, of course!
6) YOU! Bath soap ~ made from fat that you retrieve from your severed arm in the process of making your YOU! Backscratcher.
Yep, so there you have it, a special sneak peek of the first guests that will be on my new show.
Thanks, I can’t wait, either!! Because, you know, I hope to be recycling A LOT of green myself by the time it’s all over:
Hooyah!!
Yep, and since Jesus is not only my taco truck driver but also my very wise and reliable financial adviser, he has plans for me to invest all of that green into this green:
Heh, that should sustain us both for QUITE a long time.
Well, for at least a month.
OK, probably for about a week and a half, knowing how Jesus loves to go green. Hmmm, for some odd reason I’m craving some tacos now and some of that sticky, imported “incense” he always sells at the taco truck.
Anyhoo, see you on the Discovery Channel soon!! Oh, and don’t forget to always GO GREEN!!! (to the feckin’ Extreme!), even when I’m not around.
Don’t give me that look, dammit!!
:p
This post is dedicated to all of those who love to go green over at humor-blogs.com and was also inspired by and is dedicated to a very funny environmentalist friend of mine who probably knows where to score recycled condoms over at earthandeconomy.com
