First of all, for the last week or so, due to things that are beyond my control, I have had little to no internetz connection, so, to get even, me and my Jewish lawyer, Bernie Finklebergengoldmanbaumrubenpearlstein, are all set to sue that fat bastard, Al Gore, for inventing the internetz to begin with and for nearly ruining my life and the lives of people who mean the most to me!!
It’s true!!
Being deprived of access to my lovely blog, and Google images (to pilfer shit for my lovely blog, of course!) and copious amounts of clown porn can be a dangerous thing for an evil genius like myself and between you and me, it can lead to very bad things.
Like making me give up my no cussing policy that I held so dear for almost 4.6 hours!!
So, we are prepared to take that motherfucker all the way to the Supreme Court in order to secure the reparations that are due to me for all this distress.
OK, I know what you’re thinking and NO, you can’t get in on it!! This isn’t one of those class action law suits, so get your own damn Jewish lawyer and sue that fat bastard yourself if you want a piece of the pie!
Heh.
What do you think this is, some sort of charity blog?!!
Welllllllllllllllll……. as of April 15th, this technically IS a charity blog. At least that’s what my Jewish accountant, Bernie Kaufsteinbergmanshitzenbalm, told me to put on my taxes from now on!
Hooyah!!
Anyhoo.. that’s beside the point and like I said… having no internetz can be a dangerous thing for an evil genius like myself, and you are just lucky that my internetz is back up and running and that I couldn’t figure out how to do the complex chemistry for this cornflour bomb that I found in the back of my Idaho Militia Weekly magazine:
Believe me, I tried, but I never was good at chemistry.
However… I WAS able to fully understand this diagram and let me tell you, it really fucking pissed me right off:
I KNOW!!!!!
Those are Al’s friends, too, so it really pisses me off more.
Now then, given the state of the economy, I decided that we need a FINAL solution to the problem, and having had a whole week without access to my lovely blog, Google images, or clown porn, I had plenty of time to come up with one, and…
….well you know me, I came up with a shitload of them!!
Because that is what evil geniuses who are sans internetz and suck at chemistry do to keep their brains occupied!
At first I thought we could just cull the surplus population simply by rapidly furthering global warming by employing nuclear technology, but then I remembered that this is something that me and my fellow Idahoans have been working on for awhile now because frankly, we are really fucking sick of winter:
Of course, the eco-freaks don’t let us get too far with our nuclear ambitions and they keep us tied up in court, so this could actually take longer than global warming itself!!
Bastards.
But… just like the thought of Al Gore having a whole team of Jewish lawyers to fight me in court, that didn’t stop me, so I had another plan.
A sort of ‘grassroots’ movement, if you will! I talked my neighbor into breeding his cows bigger and bigger so the methane they produce will speed up global warming by approximately .8% per day:
I know, it is brilliant.
And of course we all drive huge monster trucks here, but at my insistence a lot of my friends and neighbors have begun to replace their other fossil fuel guzzling toys with bigger versions in an attempt to bring a more balmy atmospheric condition to our little corner of paradise (as well as reduce the overall amount of federal, state and local welfare spending!):
My favorite cousin even singlehandedly tried to help by filling up our landfills with stuff that supposedly leads to global warming, but sadly, it killed him before he could make much of an impact:
He always was such a dumbass!!
In fact, I’m not quite sure why he was my favorite cousin to begin with, really. I mean, I have like 499 other ones who are much smarter than he is.
OK. You’re right. At least he tried.
I guess I should give that dumb bastard credit for that.
The problem is, all of those things take too much time (or only kill off one dumbass cousin at a time!) and I feel driven to QUICKLY save the entire planet by rapidly increasing global warming while killing off at least 90% of the overall population so that there are no more lazy, out of work fuckers sucking off of the rest of us!
Then, we can divvy up the resources amongst ourselves and live a much better life.
I mean, that is practically Communism so even Obammie would approve of that shit, right?!
Right.
OK, so I admit that some of my ideas early in the week were almost as dumb as trying to overload the landfills (while simultaneously exploding my bladder) in a vain effort to decimate the majority of the human race, but I hadn’t had time to think things through yet.
Like when I thought organizing a naked protest would somehow further things along.
I mean, naked protests always seem to work in the city!!
Don’t give me that look. You know when you see this guy it always grabs your attention:
See?? I told you!!
But… I forget that here in Idaho, big city solutions don’t always work the same for us.
In fact, sometimes they backfire:
Yeeeaaaaahhhhh…
So it didn’t turn out like I had planned, but hey, at least I was able to kill off roughly 5% of the Idaho Falls population during the protest, so it wasn’t a total loss!!
But, just like in the big city, as soon as the word “protest” is heard, all the weirdos show up, even if the protest has nothing to do with them!!!
So that was really fucking annoying and didn’t help the cause at all.
I mean honestly, this was supposed to be about bettering humanity but instead we had the militants just pouring out of the woodwork to try and shove their bullshit agendas down our throats.
Like the vegans and PETA sympathizers:
…and of course, this IS Idaho, so the Neo-Nazi racist assholes just had to make themselves seen, too:
…and then there were the dirty, wannabe Rastafarian treehuggers:
OK, those dudes were cool.
Heh.
I think they are still passed out upstairs in my living room, in fact.
They better stay the hell out of my Doritos, though!!
Oh yeah, we did have one extremely brave freak of nature get all dressed up and turn out to make his case for his ‘alternative lifestyle’:
I am telling you, I don’t approve of him one bit, but I admit that it took some balls to do that!!
Of course representatives of the other side heard he was there so they just had to show up and things got really ugly after that:
Ugh!!
Even my Fatwa friends appeared from out of nowhere to join in, but at least they were focused on the cause:
Now don’t get me wrong, like I told them, killing all the Jews would benefit us and produce the desired result of my “Final Solution”, even though they only make up like 3% of the world’s population – they control like 97% of the world’s resources!!
But…. that would mean my Jewish lawyer and Jewish accountant would have to go, too, and dammit, call me selfish, but I still need those two smart bastards helping me out right now!!!!!!!
Of course…. once my lawsuit against that fat bastard, Al Gore, is over…. and once I finish filing my taxes in a couple weeks….
OFFENDED
