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October 16th, 2009

The "Free Ball Waxing At My Place!" Offensive

You may not know this, but I think of The Offended Blogger as a public service (as well as a tax deduction – hooyah!), but it has become increasingly alarming to realize that instead of offending the masses I seem to be the most trusted source on the interwebz for how to properly wax and/or torture your testicles!!

Seriously, just look at my Google analytics for this last month to see for yourself:

See??!

What bothers me even more is how the hell did clown porn beat out #11, which is “how to run your balls through a wood chipper after flogging them with a cat-o-nine tails“???

Hmm.

Maybe this is a sign that I need to post more about testicle torture or something.

It has been awhile…..

Category Clown Porn Offensives, Google Offensives, Masculine Offensives | Comment View Comments

June 30th, 2009

The "Emasculation Proclamation" Offensive

Soooo it’s that time of the month again when, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, my thoughts turn from completely innocent, charitable and rather humanitarian things to utterly depraved, inhumane and purely evil things such as: running down annoying eco-tourists with my monster truck, furthering global warming by blowing up Yellowstone so that I’ll end up with beach front property and castrating every male entity within a 10,000 mile radius of me.

Including Jesus:

I know! I feel badly about it because I frigging LOVE Jesus!

It’s not like I would really do it, though, because for one thing, I am certainly not qualified or certified to do any emasculating without fear of being caught by the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration police, and for another, I like Jesus to be fully intact for our all night confession sessions, but, between you and me, if I were certified and if I did turn Jesus into a soprano eunuch with a couple of well placed snips and a hearty tug, it wouldn’t be so bad!

Seriously!

Hey, I’ve been doing some window shopping and I know where I can get him the perfect pair of fake gonads that he could wear after he healed. Heck, he can have a few pairs since they come in different colors for special occassions:

Personally, I like the shiny silver and gold ones. With those, Jesus can sport some ball bling just for me! And he can wear the blue ones when I’m not around, if ya know what I mean.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, don’t worry, I know it is wrong, and I actually thought it was a demon or something making me think such wicked thoughts and I even tried talking to a priest about it but, well, I’m not Catholic so that pretty much backfired on me:

Like I needed some perverted old bastard who wears a dress and only has sex with young boys to confirm what I already knew!

Heh.

He’s just damn lucky that my teeth weren’t sharp enough to do the job or he’d have been my first victim right then and there, believe me.

Still, it bothers me that I think this way, and I even tried therapy a few times to fix whatever is wrong with me but I guess I pick the wrong therapists or something because it always turns out the same:

Frigging Freudian sissies. They probably have oral fixations and perverted thoughts about their mothers anyway.

Well actually, there was that one therapist with whom I thought I was really making some progress, but then she totally crossed the line of professionalism once she fully comprehended my twisted way of thinking:

Yeeeeeahhhh.

Like I want to start with HER exes when I have plenty of my own who should be at the top of our mass castration list!!

Ugh!!!!!!

Oh well, with the money I saved by firing that crazy bitch I was able to afford to take a vacation far, far, far away from any potential castration victims and just be alone with my nefarious thoughts until that time of the month was over so the world could once again be safe and I could go back to being my sweet, angelic self again.

Of course, instead of doing that, I took the money and enrolled myself in an online class on Emasculation 101.

Yep and I even had enough left over to buy the perfect tool for the job:

By this time next month I’ll be a fully certified Emasculator and if the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration cops show up after that, they’ll be leaving here singing soprano and won’t even be able to write me a ticket or anything!

Now I just need a willing participant or two to practice on before my final exam.

Hmm, I wonder if those Mormon boys are still in the neighborhood….

Category Just For Fun, Masculine Offensives, Personal Offensives | Comment View Comments

September 15th, 2008

The "How To Properly Wax Your Balls" Offensive

Alrighty kids, so I know that The Offended Blogger is officially the place to go when you want to learn how to self torture your testicles, but a recent conversation with an unnamed fellow humor blogger *cough cough HumorSmith cough cough* has prompted me to go in a whole different direction here!

Now, believe it or not, he did not believe that men pay to have their balls waxed.

I know!!,

I mean, it IS common knowledge, right?

Right.

So, unable to stand the thought of someone not knowing the intimate details about this whole underground world of ball waxing going on out there in the real world, this has led me to present to you the following post which includes the proper technique for waxing your balls, because I just happen to know a little something about the topic!

OK, I know what you’re thinking, “Chelle B., you are not of the penile persuasion, what the hell do you know about waxing balls?!”.

Hey, you may or may not know this, but before I retired early and became a full time offender, I worked in high end spas performing a variety of high end services for those high end f*ckers in our society who have so much f*cking money coming out of their high end asses that they could afford to have someone like me wax it right off for them!

Yep, I’m the one who took these types back to my little Nirvana-like sanctuary room at the spa:

I made a frigging fortune off of them, too!

That’s right, I, Chelle B., was (among many other things) a professional Brazilian waxer back in the day and I’m not ashamed to admit it. In fact, I did a whole post about how I made a fortune off of the vain and rich and stupid, or the rich and stupid and vain, or something like that and if I wasn’t on my third Crown and Coke tonight, I’d pull it up for you and link it!

Oh, fine, I’m not that drunk but would it kill you to look through my archives once in awhile?

Sheesh!

Some #1 fan YOU are!! I read YOUR archives, ya know.

OK, not really, between you and me, I really only read The Offended Blogger cuz ya know, it kicks ass!

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo, where was I?

Oh yes, how to wax your balls properly!

Believe me, there is a way to do it IMproperly, so take notes!! I mean, we are talking about hot wax in your nether regions, and without proper techinque, well, things can get ugly VERY quickly and I would not want you, my #1 fan, to come back later all bleeding and crying like a little girl, blaming me for your misfortune or, worse yet, sending me the bill from your proctologist:

Especially, you, Mr. Smith, who I’m sure still does not believe me that real men get their balls waxed!!

OK, well, actually, you’re right there, real men don’t get their balls waxed because real men ride bulls with hairy balls (the men and the bulls I mean) and drink whiskey and hurl into their cowboy hats after the rodeo, but still!!

Between you and me, this is the kind of man who really has their balls waxed, in my mind:

That’s right, and I had clients just like that.

Ugh.

And yes, there are even names for the various types of male Brazilians, such as…

The Hitler:

The wedge:

The Troll Doll:

And my own personal specialty, The Krusty:

(Not to be confused with the Crusty which is what rich drag queen hookers ended up with when I was done using DDT and Agent Orange on them just so I could bring myself to touch their nasty asses – ugh!!! I even charged extra for the 12 pairs of latex gloves I piled on before I’d wax them, too!)