Soooo it’s that time of the month again when, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, my thoughts turn from completely innocent, charitable and rather humanitarian things to utterly depraved, inhumane and purely evil things such as: running down annoying eco-tourists with my monster truck, furthering global warming by blowing up Yellowstone so that I’ll end up with beach front property and castrating every male entity within a 10,000 mile radius of me.
Including Jesus:
I know! I feel badly about it because I frigging LOVE Jesus!
It’s not like I would really do it, though, because for one thing, I am certainly not qualified or certified to do any emasculating without fear of being caught by the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration police, and for another, I like Jesus to be fully intact for our all night confession sessions, but, between you and me, if I were certified and if I did turn Jesus into a soprano eunuch with a couple of well placed snips and a hearty tug, it wouldn’t be so bad!
Seriously!
Hey, I’ve been doing some window shopping and I know where I can get him the perfect pair of fake gonads that he could wear after he healed. Heck, he can have a few pairs since they come in different colors for special occassions:
Personally, I like the shiny silver and gold ones. With those, Jesus can sport some ball bling just for me! And he can wear the blue ones when I’m not around, if ya know what I mean.
Hooyah!!
Anyhoo, don’t worry, I know it is wrong, and I actually thought it was a demon or something making me think such wicked thoughts and I even tried talking to a priest about it but, well, I’m not Catholic so that pretty much backfired on me:
Like I needed some perverted old bastard who wears a dress and only has sex with young boys to confirm what I already knew!
Heh.
He’s just damn lucky that my teeth weren’t sharp enough to do the job or he’d have been my first victim right then and there, believe me.
Still, it bothers me that I think this way, and I even tried therapy a few times to fix whatever is wrong with me but I guess I pick the wrong therapists or something because it always turns out the same:
Frigging Freudian sissies. They probably have oral fixations and perverted thoughts about their mothers anyway.
Well actually, there was that one therapist with whom I thought I was really making some progress, but then she totally crossed the line of professionalism once she fully comprehended my twisted way of thinking:
Yeeeeeahhhh.
Like I want to start with HER exes when I have plenty of my own who should be at the top of our mass castration list!!
Ugh!!!!!!
Oh well, with the money I saved by firing that crazy bitch I was able to afford to take a vacation far, far, far away from any potential castration victims and just be alone with my nefarious thoughts until that time of the month was over so the world could once again be safe and I could go back to being my sweet, angelic self again.
Of course, instead of doing that, I took the money and enrolled myself in an online class on Emasculation 101.
Yep and I even had enough left over to buy the perfect tool for the job:
By this time next month I’ll be a fully certified Emasculator and if the Idaho Fish and Game and Illegal Castration cops show up after that, they’ll be leaving here singing soprano and won’t even be able to write me a ticket or anything!
Now I just need a willing participant or two to practice on before my final exam.
Hmm, I wonder if those Mormon boys are still in the neighborhood….
