April 27th, 2009
Yay! Today is my turn to contribute to the Humor Bloggers dot com story meme! What is it, you ask? It is the brainchild of one of our funniest Humor Bloggers, Spaz. Each contributing member adds a paragraph or two to the story and given the fact that Spaz is as sick and twisted as they come, it is sure to delight and offend the masses. So sit back and enjoy the ride! Our story begins when the lovely, well stacked Wanda discovers she has a penis….
(Mind of Spaz) Wanda was always confused. Not about work, because she loved what she was doing. Not about her friends or her hobbies, because her social life was great. It wasn’t her looks either, because she was tall, lean and had an absolutely perfect rack, the best money could buy. No, Wanda was confused because she has a penis.
(The Shark Tank) It had come wrapped in several layers of newspaper, stuffed into a tube typically reserved for delivering posters. It wasn’t just any penis, either. Judging from its length (11.2 inches), scent (formaldahyde and tree sap), and coloring (burnt sienna), it had belonged to T. horridus and dated back to the late Cretaceous. In layman’s terms, it was the penis of a Triceratops. Standing in her driveway, watching as the UPS guy hopped back into his truck and flipped down the visor, Wanda said something she’d thought many times before, but never said aloud.
“It’s smaller than I thought it would be.”
(Venom, Secrets, & Lies) Wanda headed into her garage, hoping to quell her nerves with some mundane gardening chores. Her mind was lurching around inside her skull and she worried what message was being sent to her with the arrival of the big, old, stinky, discoloured penis.
Wanda had been receiving anonymous, unsolicited gifts for the past few weeks, and the packages had gone from innocent to strange and, now, bizarre. The first gift was flattering & intriguing. Wanda had excused herself momentarily from
the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its’ stem wrapped in a napkin with the message
‘♥ from Your Secret Admirer ♥’
written across it in a very fine hand. Her sister had been busy flirting with a busboy when the flower appeared & no one else had noticed or cared. Wanda had tucked the blossom behind her ear and worn it there in her hair all day long; she’d had no thought at all that Secret Admirer might be code for Crazy Stalker.
(The Offended Blogger) Of course, deep down Wanda knew that due to the fact that she had sustained numerous head injuries during rough sex over the years, she couldn’t trust her own judgment or fully rely on her instincts. And given her history with those of the penile persuasion, including more than one romp on an expensive, leather couch with a tall, dark, handsome psychiatrist at the Center for Recovering Sex Addicts, she knew that someone might end up hurt.
She was also acutely aware that although she had mastered the art of projecting an angelic image which easily lured in the opposite sex, she had yet to conquer her sociopathic, nymphomaniac tendencies and lately found herself daydreaming about things like cannibalism and necrophilia.
Sure, the thought of a well hung secret admirer sending her taboo sexual gifts appealed to her deviant nature, but she had been down this road before and on more than one occasion it had turned out badly for her unassuming, love stricken victim and had nearly led to her own ruin.
Once it had even led her half way around the world where she ended up dismembering and depositing her heavily accented My Space admirer into the murky waters of the Rhine and was forced to work in a seedy German sex club as a towel girl just to earn enough Deutschmarks for the trip back to the states.…
Next up is Amy Oops to continue the story!
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September 26th, 2008
No, no I don’t.
You, of all people, should know that by now!
Anyhoo, I was thinking that I really should do another The “Meme That Offends Me” Offensive type of thing, since the last one was rather fun and I am feeling narcissistic enough today to post twice.
So, here goes (and I am tagging all of you bastards, so I expect it on my desk by Monday morning!):
Ten Offensive Things That I Have Perpetrated Upon Myself and My Fellow Man
by: Chelle B.
1. Once, when I was 15, I was hanging out with some friends in this park in a town about 50 miles from my house and I made my boyfriend help me steal this old lady’s cat.
I couldn’t help it, he was the one who came across the street and was being all cute and lovable and playful and made me think I just couldn’t live without him.
The next day I felt so guilty that I made my boyfriend drive me, and it, back.
2. I once ran up and kicked my brother square in the balls for no reason whatsoever except that my sister dared me to do it.
I was 8.
He was 13.
He fell to his knees with a look of twisted pain on his face and he made a horrible sound that scared the hell out of me. I thought I had killed him, so I ran next door and asked if I could use their phone to call 911.
And they laughed at me.
3. I harbor thoughts of stealing this really cool, almost life sized statue of Jesus that is outside of the Idaho Falls Catholic church. He has his arms stretched out and I want to put him next to my koi pond with birdseed in his hands, but I’d feel guilty.
Not about stealing him, but about all the bird shit that would end up all over him.
That would just feel wrong.
4. I told my neighbor’s dog, “George”, that I was going to be forced to shoot him with my pellet gun if he didn’t stop digging up my flowerbeds and crapping on my lawn.
I said it loud enough for “George’s” human (non)caretakers to hear, on purpose.
They haven’t spoken to me again.
Fuck ‘em.
“George” still comes in my yard and I really want to shoot them instead.
5. I haven’t done my dishes yet today, and it is almost 3:00. If I don’t do them soon, an offensive odor is going to take over my kitchen and drive me outside where I will end up telling “George” I am going to shoot his ass, because more than likely, he is out there digging in my flowers.
ALSO, I am redesigning my site, so that it loads faster.
Is it working?? Does it look OK??
Tell me the truth, dammit, and I promise not to get overly offended.
Much.
Chelle B.
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July 2nd, 2008
You know, I’ve been tagged several times to do various memes, and no offense to my fellow bloggers who may enjoy these things, but they just annoy the hell out of me!
I mean, honestly, they are just not my style but since I know other bloggers who I love and admire seem to enjoy them, I decided to make a meme that IS my style!
Hooyah!!
Yep, and it is a self-styled interview with myself. I titled it:
“The Meme That Offends Me” by Chelle B.
Hooyah!!
So there you have it, my first meme, Offended Blogger style. I hope you enjoyed it.
I am tagging Don and Lobo with this one, since they are two of my most favorite offenders over at humor-blogs.com!
Click over and pay them a visit!!
Meme Offensives | View Comments
Yay! Today is my turn to contribute to the Humor Bloggers dot com story meme! What is it, you ask? It is the brainchild of one of our funniest Humor Bloggers, Spaz. Each contributing member adds a paragraph or two to the story and given the fact that Spaz is as sick and twisted as they come, it is sure to delight and offend the masses. So sit back and enjoy the ride! Our story begins when the lovely, well stacked Wanda discovers she has a penis….
the table where she was lunching with her sister, she returned to find a single, exquisite orchid across her plate, its’ stem wrapped in a napkin with the message
