The Offended Blogger

Remember the good old days, back when the media was obsessed with pedophile priests instead of all this boring crap about swine flu and the sinking economy and Jon and Kate plus hate or whether or not Obama deserved a Nobel Peace prize (which he so fucking didn’t ugh!!!)??

I know! I miss those days, too!

I mean honestly, who could ever tire of seeing this mental image at night when you ‘lay yourself down to sleep and pray the Lord your soul to keep’?

Hooyah!!

I mean next to waiting to see if Iran would nuke Israel or vice versa, that is soooooo much more entertaining, right??

Right.

We both know those perverted priests haven’t all been excommunicated, either. They’re just not what’s ‘hot’ anymore so CNN, Fox News and that other news channel ignore them but I decided to go down and do some investigative journalism at my own local Catholic church and was utterly shocked at what I found going on:

Erm, not that.

That old bastard always makes me kneel for him as soon as he sees me, it’s our unholy ritual of sorts.

I mean this:

I know!

Who knew Bill Gates was a pedophile priest????!!

For some reason, every time I read the news I seem to find a few headlines which, at first glance, appear to be misleading and/or potentially offensive.

Then I get all excited and click on them and 9 out of 10 times the articles themselves turn out to be utterly boring so I quit reading them and write angry, offensive letters to the editor.

Like I did for these recent ones:

Fat skunk gives up bacon butties

This is from the BBC and knowing those freaks I opted not to even click to find out what the hell bacon butties are after learning the hard way what black pudding consists of:

Yeahhhhh.

Bloody hell, indeed!

No wonder my ancestors stowed away on pirate ships to get away from there!

Speaking of which, here is a good one:

Crabs can feel pain.

OK, sure, it sounds innocent enough but think about it for 3…2…1 and you’ll have the same question I had.

See??!

Unlike you, though, I’m not unafraid to post said question on the interwebz in order to get a professional answer:

I wasn’t sure which expert to ask so I picked the one who specializes in ethics in medicine.

He’d probably have an opinion on this next headline, too:

WVU quarterback likes the ‘long handoff’

Um, who doesn’t like a long handoff, right?

Right!

Hooyah!!

Well, unless you’re a crab because apparently they feel pain.

Anyhoo… moving on…

Push To Bleep ‘Retarded’ Gains Momentum

…uh, bleeping retarded people is just wrong, wrong, WRONG. Especially if both parties are retarded, then we end up with trainwrecks like these two:

They should get a new show called “Jon and Kate minus Jon and Kate because they have less than an average retarded person’s IQ score between the two of them so we should let natural selection do its work and take them out of our misery ugggghhhhhh!!!!!“.

Heh.

And finally the most perplexing headline I found so far this week….

Gay bar has new ID rule for cross-dressers

I still haven’t figured out what the new Idaho rule for cross dressers is, but as soon as I do I’ll let you know.

Cuz I’m sure you’re wondering, too!