The Offended Blogger

Since ’sexting’ has contributed to the downfall of moral giants like Tiger Woods and Carrie Prejean and will undoubtedly be what brings down Mahmoud Ahmadinejad when I go public with our torrid, long-distance ‘you-show-me-yours-and-I’ll-show-you-my-naked-goat’ electronic love affair, I decided to do an in-depth investigation into just how widespread this phenomenon is.

Why do I care, you ask?

Well for one thing, I’m concerned about the traffic hazard it creates, especially among our youth, since you need one hand to sext and the other to, well, ya know, and not all of us are talented enough to maneuver successfully down an icy road in their monster truck using only one knee while simultaneously sipping a latte, changing out Rammstein cd’s and sexting with perverted world leaders like I can!

Heh.

Believe me, the last thing I need is for some inexperienced, teenaged sexter to lose control and plow into me with their mom’s minivan while trying to send pics of their junk to Mette-Marit, the Crown Princess of Norway, because let’s face it, I’d flatten them like a fucking pancake in my monster truck and then have to flee the scene and that might take all the fun out of my own international mobile sexting for the rest of the day.

Plus, if I’m going to expose my own dirty little sexting secrets then I want to expose everyone else’s, dammit, and during my three day investigation into the matter I’ve learned that no one is innocent. Not you, not me, especially not the perverted 16 year old boy next door armed with unlimited sexting and the keys to his mom’s minivan and not even Jesus – who finally unblocked me so I could sext with him again!

Hooyah!!!

Of course that didn’t last long.

Right after I asked him to send me pictures of him pouring jalepeno juice onto his ’spicy burrito’ for me he frigging re-blocked me:

Ugh.

He’s such a prude!

Anyhoo, I forgot all about that loser once I realized that even God Himself is just as perverted as the rest of us, maybe even more so!

Seriously, it’s true!

The following is an actual screenshot and the censored version of the transcript of our dirty sex chat which, btw, was done from the safety of my bedroom and not while I was behind the wheel of my monster truck (only because it was around 3:00 which is when the high school lets out and between you and me, I’m scared to be on the road at that time of day!):

Me:
hey sexy
God:
You’ve got my full attention. You are attracted to heavenly creatures?
Me:
they r hawt
God:
hawt are they.
Me:
do u want 2 see me naked?
God:
Do you want me to see me naked?
Me:
are u naked?
God:
I do not own any clothes.
Me:
that is so hawt. ask me what I am wearing.
God:
What are you wearing?
Me:
why do u want 2 know?
God:
Because you wanted me to.
Me:
u r a perv
God:
I believe it is you who is a “perv”.
Me:
show me ur ****
God:
Like this? (Inserts picture link here).
Me:
lmao! i mean, do u have a car?
God:
No I prefer to take the bus.
Me:
well no offense but with a **** that little u really need a car
Me:
Hello? r u still here?
Me:
God???
Me:
loser

Don’t look at me like that.

As a journalist I have a right, nay, a duty to expose everyone and if you and me and Tiger and Jesus and Mahmoud and everyone else on planet earth are all perverts, what made you think God wasn’t one, too??

I mean, we ARE all made in His image, right??

Right.

Well, the rest of you freaks are.

I only send naked pics of my goat.

Yes, I know I obsess a bit over it and I shouldn’t feel slighted by this most recent injustice which has been so rudely perpetrated against me by my mortal enemy Google aka the Antichrist, but I just can’t help it! I mean honestly, is it my fault that I’d like a little bit of credit for all of the selfless work that I do as a missionary by getting the top spot on Google search??

Ugh!

OK, so maybe being 4th out of 14,400,000 isn’t so bad but I’m pretty sure there is some sort of evil Google numerology at work there which I’ll have to ask my Ouija board dude about later, but still.

Why can’t I be #1???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Believe me, it wasn’t easy for me to decide to give up a lucrative career in Swedish massage and ball waxing so that I could move to Idaho (shhh my neighors think I’m a native!), build a secret, underground Armageddon bunker, stockpile it with guns, bullets and toilet paper and dedicate my life to making a list of which pacifist Mormons are stockpiling food and water so I know where to go when the time comes and making sure that Jesus’ prophesy about the last days would come true:

“And then shall many be offended, and blah blah blah, blah blah blah.”

Don’t look at me like that, it is too a real scripture!

Heh.

If you weren’t such a heathen you’d know this, and you’d also move to Idaho, convert to Mormonism and have your own well stocked Armageddon bunker so I could add you to my list but lucky for you I’m here and I’m on a mission to insure that even you have a chance to be spared from frying like a piece of bacon over the eternal backyard firepit of Satan himself.

You’re welcome!

Oh, and ironically, according to Google I’m doing a bang up job of it, too:

Coincidence?

I think not.