So with all this talk of “teabagging” in the news lately, naturally, it got me thinking.. how disturbing is it to hear newspeople refer to “teabagging” and how long will it be until CNN does a special report on how racist the Dirty Sanchez is??
Of course, being as pure as the driven snow, I am completely clueless to what a Dirty Sanchez actually is, but that is besides the point!
Don’t look at me like that. I really don’t know what it is and I don’t want to know, either! I quite like not knowing.
OK, between you and me, I kinda do want to know because it sounds a bit dirty, but to be honest, even if I were a Dirty Sanchez expert who pulled in six figures a month teaching others how to do it properly, it is noone’s business to judge me or call me racist!
I mean, what if I were to let Jesus, my taco truck guy, give me a Dirty Sanchez, or vice versa, would that be racist??
Heh.
You’re right, I am sure they could find something offensive about that and every other sexual maneuver that I’ve either invented, attempted, accomplished or dared to daydream about over the years, because that’s what they do.
The Dirty Bastards.
That’s right, and there are MANY of them, too.
Sexual maneuvers, I mean.
Now, I’m sure there are a few of these that you are probably quite familiar with, and some you may have only heard rumors of or only thought were performed on moonless nights in back alley massage parlors deep in the heart of Bangkok, but guess what?!
Your loved ones are probably busy doing some of these RIGHT NOW!!
Yep, and as soon as I post this, I’ll be having a little fun with a few of these myself and I wouldn’t want you to feel left out, so here are some of my all time favorites, in no particular order.
(Just don’t tell CNN about them, you know how they are!)
Enjoy!
1) Yodeling Dutchman & Yodeling Flying Double Dutchman – invented in the early 1600′s by a troupe of traveling, nymphomaniac, hermaphrodite acrobats, this sexual feat is only for adventurous types who possess incredible flexibility, the stamina of a herd of horny stallions and both sexual organs (for optimal performance)!
2) Gaping Gertrude – More than one early explorer in the New World lost an eye performing this one, so it is best left to the more experienced.
Not the elderly, per say.
Ya know, unless they are already blind.
3) Shawshank Shuffle – This one is actually an adaptation of the San Quentin Crawl, and can be done just about anywhere outside of prison quite easily as long as you have the proper tools – a bar of soap carved into a three pronged dildo/shiv and a big, tattooed biker to stand guard outside the bathroom.
4) Limp Wristed Lollygagger – This one sounds more offensive than it actually is, and despite the false rumors (and the fact that CNN would have a whole WEEK dedicated to this one!), it did NOT originate from the Folsom Street Fair or even during the heyday of the San Francisco bath houses.
It actually got its name because not many who attempt this one can handle holding the 6 foot lollipop-paddle for 72 hours straight!
I’ve done it though.
5) Saskatoon Squatting Sasquatch – I learned this one from a Canadian tourist last year and I believe it was passed down from the Inuit because he said in order to pay homage to its origins, you really need a baby seal and a large vat of whale blubber.
Of course, we don’t have those here in Idaho, so he assured me that the modern version allows you to substitute these with a young mule and a tub of butter (and/or margarine).
Or sour cream.
With chives.
And bacon bits.
And melted cheddar cheese. Yummm!!!
What?! We are in the potato state – sheesh!
6) Himalayan Hang Nail – Much like the Yodeling Flying Double Dutchman, this one is not for the faint of heart (or those with respiratory issues!) and I haven’t done it since I was in my early 20′s.
Required gear includes: 10 mm static rope, one figure eight, four carabineers, a harness, the knowledge of how to tie figure eight knots and water knots, two pieces of webbing long enough to tie from a stable off structure to your rope, a willing Sherpa and thick, waterproof leather gloves.
7) Rusty Thrusty (aka Thrusty Nail) – This one I have tried quite a few times, but don’t recommend, unless you aren’t afraid of needles as it requires a current tetanus shot beforehand, and a series of rabies shots afterward!
Which is odd, since there are no wild animals involved…
…that I am aware of…
Thorny Warbler – OK, this one is fun and is a huge hit with the organic, tree-hugger, anti-global warming types!
Which is why I refuse to do it.
Gargle beforehand (and cover all exposed skin) with: 1 cup warm water mixed with 1 tsp lemon, 1 tsp honey, 1 tsp prickly pear juice… then use a hemp rope to tie yourself to a lodgepole pine…. just as the grizzly bears are waking up…
OK, fine, I made that last part up. Don’t spoil my fun, dammit!! 
9) Kentucky Cornswoggler – Another fun one, it is kinda like a rodeo so you can’t mind getting a little down and dirty in the muck and the mud and the blood with a crowd of drunk rednecks whooping and hollerin‘ and goadin‘ you on!
For this, you MUST have: 1/5 Jack Daniels for each participant, a half dozen dried corn cobs, a two-seater outhouse and a few cooperative cousins. Oh, and to make it more down home and authentic – add a 1947 Sears Catalog to clean up afterwards!
10) Tennessean Twelve Finger Tic Tac Toe Jammer – Pretty near the same as above, except instead of corncobs you use 3 sets of wooden dentures and a willing uncle with extra toes and fingers.
No wait, I got that wrong. You keep the corncobs and instead of the Jack Daniels you drink Jim Beam.
And you use a three-seater outhouse and a 1949 Sears catalog.
I think?
Damn, has it been that long since I did this one??
Anyhoo, either way it’s all fun, even if you do it wrong.
Especially when it rains!!
So if you excuse me, I need to brush up on this one. We are supposed to get rain tomorrow.
Hoooooooyahhhh!!!
