The "OK, What the Fatwa Went Wrong?!" Offensive

Well, I'm sure by now you've heard what happened to me. Yes, it is awful, but I'm strong. I will overcome this, I have a lot of support.

Oh, hey, don't worry!! I would never blame you. It is just as much my fault as it is yours that things got out of hand and on the bright side, at least I still have internet access!!

Of course, I only get an hour a day and I have to kickbox a few oversized lesbian bullies to get to the computer, but it is worth it! I'd be lost without coming here to update you on all my offenses!

I just feel sooo lucky to have such loyal fans all over the world who are rooting for me.

Like you, and like the guy who runs Vegas. He is always sooooo nice to me:

Oh, and then there are the Canadians, they have always been my #1 fan (especially Mike Holmes, he really loves me!):

I know!

Mike Holmes must have let them know. I'm just sure he's worried about me, he always wants to know exactly where I am and what I am doing.

Then of course there is this guy, I'm not sure why he cares but maybe he just wants the publicity or something, either that or he just really loved my Fatwas:

OK, I know what you're thinking.

"Chelle B., what the Fatwa is going on that everyone including Canada is saying 'FREE CHELLE B.'?!".

Oh, heh.. didn't you see my story on Fox News last night?

What do you mean, 'no'?!!!

Hey, no offense, but you sure aren't going to finish that college degree and get a job by hanging out here and at nakedpeople.com or wherever the hell else it is that you hang out all day.

I forgive you though.

My blog is rather addictive. Like Photos from Northern Norway. That place is like crack!! Well, OK, so it doesn't help that I have a thing for Vikings. I'd probably feel the same if it were Photos from Northern Scotland because I have an even bigger thing for guys in kilts.

Hooyah!!

Anyhoo.... back to me. I guess it all started when I took my list of things you wanted me to Fatwa and I threw on my new camo burka and set about to start doing my Fatwa-ing.

It started out fine! I Fatwa'd all the used car dealerships and a few yuppies. I even hid behind a tree and Fatwa'd some Mormon missionaries who walked by. I think I kinda scared them because they split up and ran off in two different directions, which is against their religion, but it was fun!!

Yep, things were going just swimmingly until I went here, to Fatwa for Qelqoth:

Hey, it is not my fault that the camo burka made it hard for me to see the sign they had posted next to the drive-thru:

Plus, how was I supposed to know that all the cops in town were hanging out at KFC that day?! I thought they hung out at the Krispy Kreme!

I guess that must be an urban legend or something.

Anyhoo... I had a little problem with restraining myself after being told I couldn't Fatwa KFC:

No, it wasn't KFC. That was the police station, hehe.

The bastards deserved it though! I am an American, dammit. I should be allowed to Fatwa where I want, when I want and who I want.

And if I want to carry my trusty Spongebob Ruger with me, why the #$%! do I need a $%#!ing permit for it?!

Communists.

Ugh!!

Heh, I forget communists have surveillance cameras at their police stations and I guess I should have worn my camo bikini burka, it probably would have helped me get out of the whole mess:

I don't know why it had to be frigging 200 of them in riot gear to take me down and steal my Spongebob Ruger from me.

Heh, I thought it was a waste of tax-payer money, really.

Like I said, though, I don't blame you completely, just mostly Qelqoth since he just had to ask me to Fatwa KFC!

I mean, I should have said no, I love KFC!

(Especially since I hear they boil the chickens alive, yummmm!!!)

Ugh. I miss KFC now. I'll probably never see another one since they shipped me off to this political prisoner of war torture camp in Bankok:



I wish the ACLU knew about this. They would be pissed!!

Oh, it's not so bad. I am the only blonde American here so the male guards treat me extra, extra nice, because you know how the rest of the world feels about blonde American girls!

Heh, we are practically worshipped!! They worship me about 5 times a day, too. Sometimes all of them at once! Being worshiped kinda hurts though, and makes me walk funny the next day. But hey, being this far from Jesus and his taco truck friends, I will take what I can get!

Hooyah!

So anyhoo... as soon as I figure out a way to dig under the fence here, carve a canoe and paddle across the Atlantic, I will be back in Idaho in no time and back to my regular-walking, fun-loving, Fatwa-ing old self!!

I hope you are still around when I come back!!

Maybe I'll celebrate with a bucket of extra crispy popcorn chicken from KFC or something, too. Followed by a taco from Jesus with extra, extra jalapeños. Yay!!

:p

This post is being held as a political prisoner over at:

Psst... You should stumble me so the world hears about my plight!! :)

Click Here to Read More..

The "Hey, Fatwa You Too!!" Offensive

Well, GOOD MORNING!! What a great Monday!! I am soooo damn happy, my conversion to Islam and subsequent Fatwas against winter are working out better than I could have ever imagined! The weather outside is just lovely, and when I turned on the news I almost couldn't believe the forecast for the whole week:

I know, NO SNOW!!! Hooyah!!

Oh, and I got a new weatherman, too! Doesn't he look kinda familiar? I think he used to host America's Funniest Videos or something.

Anyhoo... I decided that since my Fatwas are apparently so productive, I am going to use my newfound power to take care of a few other things that have really been offending and pissing me off lately.

For the last 5 minutes I have been making a whole list of them.

OK, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle B., I hope I'm not on your list! I stumbled your last post and visited .45 to tell him how nice his Willy was."

Ha! Don't worry, I would never Fatwa you! You are my #1 fan!! :)

Although, I can think of one guy who reads my blog and might be worried:

That's Hugo Lopez, the ex-president of Cuba. I would never issue a Fatwa on him, he loves my blog!!! Plus, he called our president a Zionist DEVIL at one of those New World Order meetings, and that just cracked me up, haha!

Now what was I Fatwa-ing again??

Oh yeah! People who really piss me off and offend me. There are many!

Here is the first one, because their stupid song keeps getting stuck in my brain:

UGH! I hate them!! The song is kinda catchy, though....

Oh, and here is another one I just can't stand. His songs get stuck in my brain too!! Maybe it's because I watch like 5 hours of his show everyday:

Frigging Hip Hop Harry. Ugh. He just thinks he is way cooler than Barney or the Moomins. He is so not!!

Oh yeah, and then there are these bastards! I heard on Fox News how this is supposedly the bestest fecking place on the planet to live:

I know! Just who the bloody hell do they think they are there?!

Does Finland have rugged, beautiful mountains?

No!

Does Finland have crystal clear rivers and streams just jumping with fish to catch?

Hell No!

Do they even have Japanese tourists who show up by the busload to snap pictures of the locals in compromising positions??

Well... heh, probably so, but still!!

Idaho is the BESTEST FECKING PLACE ON THE PLANET!! That's right, so I Fatwa you, you Finland bastards!! Norway and Iceland are next, once you are out of the way!

Well, that was fun.

I feel so much better! If there is anyone you'd like me to add to my Fatwa list, just let me know!!

I am in a very giving mood today because the weather is so nice and I can finally leave my bunker after 5 months.

In fact, I think I will prostrate myself a sixth or seventh time before the day is over just to celebrate!

Hooyah.

:p

PS. Tomorrow you can help me pick which camo burka looks best on me!! :)

If they don't stop changing my numbers, this post will soon be Fatwaing:

Allah said "Stumble Chelle B. or no virgins await you!!"

Click Here to Read More..