First it was the inquisition, then the influenza, and now... this??BEIJING - Pau Gasol has apologized, saying the Spanish basketball team never meant to offend anyone. Point guard Jose Manuel Calderon wrote on his blog that the gesture, fingers pressed against their eyes, was meant as an "affectionate" message for the Chinese people.
Lucky for those Spaniards that the Chinese are forgiving, because between you and me, they could easily kick the crap out of Spain.
Although...
...they might not be as ready to play nice when they see what our boys did:
Admit it, it would be fun to see us decimate the Chinese army!
Hooyah!!
:p
P.S. My fellow humor blogger, Static, wrote a very funny post about this at his kraptastic blog, Krapsody.
(Now if everyone else would just write an offensive post for me to pimp out while I am busy over at the new and improved and highly successful Humor Bloggers dot com! Hooyah!!)
Sunday, August 17
The "We Chinese, We Play Joke..." Offensive
Monday, July 21
The "Shut Your Black Pie Hole!!" Offensive
Houston, or rather, Dallas, we have a serious frigging problem!
From the Dallas News online:Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.
Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole."
That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.
Racially insensitive analogy?!!
WTF?!!
What's next on their list?
BLACK bears?
BLACK coffee???
BLACK eyes???????
Uh, no offense, but between you and me, I think both of those BLACK guys are just race-baiting assholes.
Hey, don't give me that look, someone had to say it! Now please excuse me while I go have a few shots of Jack Daniels BLACK and play some more BLACK Jack.
Woot!!
:)
Tuesday, June 17
The "Pay Up, Whitey!!" Offensive
So hey, don't get all offended on me, but if you happen to be white and you are reading this, you owe me some money, dammit. That's right, it's called reparations and if you don't pay, I will have no choice but to call up my Jewish lawyer. He'll make sure you cough up what you owe me!!
Don't look at me like that. I mean, don't you think my people have suffered enough at the hands of your people??
Ugh.
Believe me, I still suffer.
OK, I know what you're thinking... "Chelle B., I don't owe you money! I know where you live, you are whiter than me and probably belong to the Neo-Nazi White Bloggers Guild of Idaho or something!"
Hey, don't stereotype me! It is not my fault that I look white!! It's probably because I don't get enough sun here in Idaho.
Oh, and for the record, I don't even live within driving distance of the Neo-Nazi White Blogger's Guild:
OK, so technically I am within driving distance, but still. With the price of gas, I hardly even make it to all of the meetings anyway so it's not like I am a full-time member or anything!
Ugh.
Plus, like I said, I only look white anyway and once word gets out that I found this picture in my family photo album, I will probably get kicked out of the Guild for good:
Ha!
I told you!!
This is proof that my people didn't own slaves, they were slaves, so naturally, that makes me not white and therefore I am eligible for reparations.
So... pay up, dammit!!
Oh, don't worry, I'll put the money to good use, I promise!! I'm going to run off with Jesus down to Mexico so we can drink tequila on the beach and I can finally get that frigging tan I've been dreaming of:
Ugh.
Seriously, though, I feel soooooo much better knowing the truth. I mean, I always just assumed that my people were slave owning bastards and to be honest, I felt a bit guilty over it!!
Plus, it does make sense now. It does explain my obsession with Jesus, who, in case you are wondering, is not white, and why I love to eat his tacos so much. Yummm!!!
Oh, and I love Chinese food and pizza, too!
Between you and me, I also like to wear a yarmulke and say "Oiy Vey" and pretend that Subway is a kosher deli.
Hey, don't look at me like that.
We don't have any kosher deli's in Idaho, I have to pretend!!
Speaking of that, Oiy Vey, I can't wait to tell my brother about this, either!!!
For years now, he's been trying to convince everyone that he is a full blooded Indian so that he can live on the 'rez' and get money from the government to buy cheap hookers and liquor:
Yeah, I know, I can't believe nobody believes him, either!! I mean, he looks Indian to me but what do I know??
Oh well, they'll believe him now and he'll have all the cheap hookers and liquor his little Injun heart desires.
Plus, knowing the truth will also help me to better explain to my children why they don't look like me or my very white hubby:
My hubby will be relieved, too, I'm sure.
Even he has asked why they look like Jesus, and even though I always forget to take my ADD meds and pick them up, I'm pretty sure they all do look like Jesus, which is weird.
Well, one of them kinda looks more like his cousin, Pedro. He fills in for Jesus sometimes down at the taco truck and I sometimes get them mixed up.
Heh.
Pedro doesn't seem to mind! He plays along!!
Oh, well, it doesn't matter, I don't have time to worry about who my children look like right now, anyway.
In fact, I better go fill up my monster truck and drive up to the Neo-Nazi White Blogger's Guild hall before the meeting starts!!
There is a special guest tonight and I don't want to miss his speech:
Yep, and I hear he is a really good speaker. The newsletter said he's going to talk about how to make sure that all you slave owning whitey's pay up for the abuse you've put my people through.
So remember to bring your checkbook the next time you come by.
Hooyah!!
:p
Friday, February 22
The "For the Record, Mr. Angry Man!" Offensive
So, I won't mention names or anything, but in my "Bring on the Global Warming!" Offensive, some "Angry Man" practically accused me of being one of those Pro-White Idaho Bloggers that you always see on Fox News, and let me tell you, I was almost offended!!!
I know, what a bastard, huh!!
(Just between you and me, I ROFLMAO because I thought it was funny as hell, but don't tell him I said that! ;)
Anyhoo... before some other Angry commentator of the Penile Persuasion gets the wrong idea and calls up the ACLU to have me put on some secret Pro-White Idaho Blogger watch list or something, I thought I better take a moment here and set the record straight!!
I mean, I do have a reputation to uphold!
Now first of all, I am not even remotely within driving distance to the local Idaho White Bloggers union hall:
See??
OK, so I am within driving distance, but at least not until the roads are clear enough for me to get there safely.
I am not that crazy!!
Second, it is purely coincidental that I have a birthmark of Germany on my ass (I added the 'you are here' tattoo just for fun!):
Does that automatically make me some sort of communist coffee drinker who runs around saying 'g'day mate'?!!
I think not, Mr. Angry Man!
Thirdly, it is also purely coincidental that I have a cat named Adolf that just happens to somewhat resemble a certain former leader of the Nazi party:
Oh, please, there are tons of cats that look like Hitler! I'm sure you'd think worse of me knowing that I have a dog name Gobbels and a goat named Himmler! Pffft.
Now then, if all that isn't enough to convince you that I am not a skin-headed-goose-stepping-with-a-machine-gun- through-the-potato-fields-wearing-a-camo-bikini-neo-nazi-type, just take a good look at this lovely poster I made.
It is for my new upcoming campaign to give extra special recognition to some extra, extra, special and well deserving black people during the upcoming last week of Black History Month:
That's right!! I bet you didn't think to honor black stoners, now, did you!?
Hey, don't be jealous because I thought it up.
Hey, and don't try to steal my idea or my poster, either!
I'll have to tell Jesus to come pay you a visit. Or call up my Jewish lawyer to drag your ass to court for copyright violations!!
On second thought, maybe you should come pay Jesus a visit. Some of his tacos with extra, extra jalapenos might just unplug you, and then you can change your name to Mr. Happy Man!!!
Hooyah.
:p
This post is goose-stepping it's way over to:
Pssst... white people love to be stumbled, too!!
Friday, February 8
The "New Rules for Pandas and Jesus" Offensive
(The "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest will officially close soon, so for those of you who participated, thank you!! For those who haven't yet, hurry!!
The voting begins this weekend on the Weekender Offender post which will be up sometime tomorrow so make sure you come back to cast your vote, and may the Best Willy Win!! )
From the upcoming "2008 Guide to All Things Offensive" by Chelle B.:
Rule #1 - Pandas are no longer allowed to be Chinese.
Rule #2 - This naturally means that Jesus, my taco truck guy can no longer be Hispanic. :*(
OK, so let's see if I can do this right:
Vinod Gupta, the chairman and chief executive of InfoUSA in Omaha, the parent of Salesgenie.com, said in a telephone interview Tuesday that a commercial featuring two animated pandas speaking with what were intended as Chinese accents would be withdrawn.
“We never thought anyone would be offended,” said Mr. Gupta, who developed and wrote both commercials himself.
“The pandas are Chinese,” he said. “They don’t speak German.”
Still, “if I offended anybody,” Mr. Gupta said, “believe me, I apologize.”
---> Read More <---
Heh, well that was easy enough to overcome!!Now if you will excuse me, I'm off to pick a new and improved nationality for Jesus, my favorite
This post is making sure I am stereotypically sensitive over at:
please, oh please, oh please... stumble me!!
Friday, December 28
The Weekender Offender
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again!
For this Weekender Offender, I am continuing my special series that deals with race and stereotyping.
We seem so hyper-sensitive to anyone saying anything that could be perceived as offensive nowadays, to the point where even innocent childhood sayings like 'indian giver' have practically become hate speech.
Feel free to disagree, but I personally believe it has gone a little too far, and we are creating many more problems than we are solving with all of this 'Fear of Offending'.
Still, I find it fascinating that it really isn't as taboo to make fun of your own race, heck I do it all the time! Here are some good white people jokes:
What's white and fourteen inches long?
Absolutely nothing!
What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane?
Snow.
What do you call a bunch of white guys in a circle?
A Dope Ring!
What do you call 300 white men chasing a black man?
The PGA tour.
Why do so many white people get lost skiing?
It's hard to find them in the snow.
What did they white guy do before his blood test?
He studied.
Now you know those were funny, even if you are as white as me! OK, not really but...I love people who can laugh at themselves and allow us to laugh at them, and with them, and without fear of offending them.
Comedians have turned this an art form, so I want to spotlight some stand-up acts who allow us to do just that.
Last weekend it was Eddie Murphy making fun of his black family growing up and this week it is Carlos Mencia, poking fun at all of this political correctness in general.
Enjoy and poke fun at someone of your own race today!
Monday, December 17
The Awesome BlogCatalog Inspector Guy Offensive
Click Here to Read More..Holy crap I can't believe after being turned away by numerous other blogsnob directories that the poor bastard who is in on a Sunday to inspect hopefuls like myself for BlogCatalog actually accepted me!!!.You and I both know if it was the Tuesday or Thursday guys, I'd never have been let in...those guys have major sticks up their colons and couldn't possibly see the humor in my choosing a Personal Jewish Master. But the Sunday guy is way cooler, totally laid back, and doesn't really care who you offend ~ apparently he doesn't get offended easily either!!...Yet as great as this is...my happiness is somewhat dulled by the thought of 'the others' before him who have come to my blog and found it unworthy...It really pisses me off to know those Mr. Tuesday and Mr. Thursday BlogSnob types just assume that because I am in Idaho and I run a blog with the word "offend" tied to it, and that I like banned Bugs Bunny cartoons and off-color Irish sitcoms that I must automatically belong to The Idaho Chapter of the Legions of Proud White Bloggers or something!. .Let me state for the record that I am friends with at least one person of every race and I am not even remotely within driving distance to that particular supremist meeting hall:
So a big thank you to WHOEVER YOU ARE YOU AWESOME SUNDAY BLOG CATALOG INSPECTOR GUY who came to my blog and found me worthy even though I am on the same map as the skinheads!!.I hope they pay you well to come in on a Sunday and read crap like mine.....oh, and thank the albino gods that you can't see my nav bar right now!!(This is a screenshot of my actual nav bar right now, I am not kidding!)((The Antidefamation League FAQ search was legitimate research for my Jewish Master post and I honestly wasn't aware that the innocent DEXKNOWS Whitepages search tab could appear so incriminating when you click off the page!!))
