So my new favorite reality show is called 'Most Evil', have you seen it?? Yes, it IS the one with that kinda nutty looking psychiatrist, Dr. Stone, who places depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders on his "scale of evil".
Man, I just love that show.
In fact, I am practically obsessed with it!
Hey, don't give me that look. I can't help it if I am intrigued and infatuated with depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders!
There is just something about them that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. They even make me a bit homesick because, honestly, they do seem to remind me of how I grew up with depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders.
Hmmm, now that I think of it, if I'm not mistaken, I think that nutty looking "Most Evil" Dr. Stone is the same guy who wrote my favorite childhood book:
I know!!
I loved that one, too!
My depraved, narcissistic, psychopathic mother used to read it to me before bed every night, and then I would doze off into dreamland with my favorite Hello Kitty nightlight glowing softly in the corner, and my favorite Hello Kitty gun clutched tightly in my little hands:
Between you and me, though, I do worry a bit about Dr. Stone's mental state.
I mean, anyone who dedicates their entire life to reading and studying about depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders probably has a future spot reserved on that scale of evil himself, if you know what I mean!
Heh.
Lucky for me that I've only dedicated 3/4 of my life to reading and studying about depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths and otherwise deviant offenders!
Seriously, I can't help but wonder where he and a few others would end up on his scale of evil if they ever snapped, and I bet Dr. Stone would probably end up somewhere around the middle.
Yeah, I can see him around a level 14:
Yep, he comes across to me as a narcissistic homicidal maniac for some reason.
Then there is the pope, who I would definitely rate higher because I can't help but think that he is always thinking evil thoughts:
*shudders*
I'd put him at about a level 19, the spot reserved for psychopaths like him and Google, who subjugate their victims.
Of course, some people would place this next guy higher on the scale, but I'd put him pretty low, maybe around a 5 or so:
I mean, poor Ozzy, he definitely comes across to me as a traumatized, desperate person who kill annoying and abusive relatives while intoxicated but are geniuinely remorseful afterwards.
Uhh, much unlike my next offender, who I would place at the highest level - 22, the spot reserved for someone who is driven by sexual sadism and murder:
Hey, believe me, she's not the only one I'd put up there at level 22.
Among others is this guy:
Finally, there are some people who are soooo evil, that Mr. Stone would need to create a whole new scale of evil because they would rank off his current scale of evil completely!
People like:
Yeeeeahhh.
It is scary that we have to share the planet with such depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths or otherwise deviant offenders, isn't it?
Anyhoo, don't miss part 2 of this series, where I will divulge exactly where on the scale of evil I think some of my fellow humor bloggers (like LOBO and Don among others!) would rank if they ever went off their meds and decided to become depraved serial killers, narcissistic psychopaths or otherwise deviant offenders!
Maybe I'll even divulge where I rank on the scale of evil, that is if my lawyer and parole officer will let me.
Hooyah!!
:)
Monday, July 28
The "Scale of Evil - part 1" Offensive
Thursday, July 10
The "My Offensive Dream Sketchbook" Offensive
So no offense to all of you hardcore Seinfeld fans out there, but I had a rather offensive dream about Cosmo Kramer last night.
Seriously!!
It was really frigging bizarre, too, and NO, it wasn't a sex dream!!
Well, actually it was a sex dream, but I wasn't having sex, I was just watching. Er, I mean I was watching Kramer explain his sexual escapade from the night before to Elaine and Jerry.
Yep, and as soon as I woke up I grabbed my sketchbook and drew a picture of what I saw in my dream and I scanned it in to my computer to share with you:
Hey, I never said I was a professional artist!!
:p
Anyhoo, I was flipping through more of the things that I drew in my dream sketchbook and found some other ones that I thought you might enjoy.
For instance, there was this one:
Ha!
Don't ask me why my subconscience went there, I mean I know that in reality he would never say that!
Well, not outloud at least!!
The same goes for this next one, he'd never admit it if this was the truth:
Heh.
I'm sure he'd find a way to spin his way out of that one though, right?
Right.
Sadly, I didn't too well drawing this next one, but hopefully you can tell who it is:
No, that's NOT Pat Robertson, that's David Letterman.
Ugh!!
They don't even look at all alike.
Oh, but I did draw one of Pat Robertson after this really weird dream I had of him just this last week:
Yeeeeahhhh right.
I know it is just wishful thinking, but I'm still hoping that one will come true.
Between you and me, I bet this next one will come true, though. Just wait for the next meeting of the Fed, you'll see:
You know, lately I've been thinking of liquidating my own assets and buying a one way ticket to Greenland! I hear the weather there is much like it is here in Idaho.
Hey, if I do go, you are welcome to come and use my monster truck to chase tourists and grizzly bears, and eat some tacos at the taco truck and hang out in my air-conditioned, titanium reinforced bunker until I come back!!
Cuz you are my #1 fan and I am nice like that.
Just don't eat all the food I have stored in my bunker, dammit!
:)
Tuesday, June 3
The "Feminazi Man Hater Bitches Club" Offensive
Now, if you are of the penile persuasion, don't get all offended on me, but, guess what?! I am now a bra burning, card carrying, lifetime member of the Feminazi Man Hater Bitches Club!
That's right, and let me tell you, it is sooooo frigging liberating!!
Hey, don't give me that look, we both know that it was inevitable that I become one of them. I mean, I must have been the last female on the planet who hadn't converted to feminazi man haterism because every other female I know is one and to be honest, it was a bit lonely not being part of their club!
Not to mention dangerous.
Hey, those bitches can be quite mean to us non-members!!
Secretly, though, I've always wanted to be like them, particularly like one of these feminazi man hating bitches:
Yep!
And I actually owe it to them and all the other feminazi man hating bitches on daytime TV for giving me the courage to liberate myself and, more importantly, my oppressed tits:
Hooyah!!
Oddly enough, I never knew my tits were in bondage until I started watching daytime TV, but as soon as I found out I burned every single one of my bras.
OK, so technically I didn't actually burn my bras. I just stopped wearing them during my trial membership in case I changed my mind later.
Hey, I am not a fool! Those things cost me a shitload of money and I don't want to have to go buy all new ones in case I decide to leave the feminazi man haters club!!
Which I'm pretty sure I won't because I can't tell you how just how good it feels to finally let my tits free after all these years of bondage. Between you and me, I think my bras were always a bit too tight and it's probably what made me so damn cranky all the time!!
Well, that and all those moronic people who constantly piss me off and make me want to run them over with my monster truck.
Ugh!!!
Anyhoo, I really am grateful for all those daytime TV shows. They are the ones who taught me all about how my well endowed ancestors fought long and hard against the forces of penile evilness, just for me to have the right not to cater to my man's every penile whim and, more imporantly, to let my tits be free from his penile oppression:
Yep.
So, really, I owe it to them to be a bra burning, card carrying, lifetime member of the feminazi man hater club, right?!
Right!
I also owe it to all of those in third world countries who have their tits in bondage and look up to free and more fortunate women like myself as symbols of hope:
Awww!!! They are so sweet, I just can't let them down!!
Of course, between you and me, this whole 'joining the feminazi man-hater club' didn't go over so well with my hubby, who had grown particularly fond of having his penile whims catered to.
Day and night.
Over, and over, and...
Ugh!
So naturally, he was a bit shocked and offended when he came home from a long day of work and found that his sweet little bra wearing, usually non-man hating, highly appreciative and incredibly talented at penile-whim-catering wife was sitting on the couch bra-less.
Then he realized that I had suddenly turned into this:
Actually, he was way beyond pretty frigging pissed off, let me tell you!
In fact, if I remember correctly, his response was something like, "What the @#%$, Chelle?!! I don't work MY ass off all day just for you to sit on YOUR ass all day getting brainwashed by those man hating feminazi bitches on TV!! Now take the rest of your clothes off, make me some dinner, and cater to my penile whims, dammit!!"
Ha!
As if I would allow myself to be oppressed like that ever again.
Oh, alright, so I did, and there were even a few tears, but hey, it was only a temporary set back!!
The next day, while he was hard at work and after The View was over, I took off my bra and marched right out and hired this guy to do all of the so-called "women's work" around our house:
Yeeeeaaahhhh.
Needless to say, it didn't work out the way I hoped it would. I don't care what Dr. Phil says, men and women just aren't wired the same!
Ugh.
He wouldn't even make me coffee, let alone clean the toilets. He just sat there on the couch, hogging the remote and scratching himself, telling me to get him beers and make him food.
The bastard.
Oh, and it got worse, too!
When my hubby came home and found me sitting on my ass, watching Oprah without a bra on, that guy passed out on the couch next to me in a French Maid uniform, and all his beer and TV dinners gone, he was way, way, wayyyyy more pissed off than he had been the day before!!
Let's just say that there were a lot of tears this time.
And blood.
Well... and a lawsuit, but our lawyer says I can't talk about that right now.
Anyhoo, just like my feminazi man hating mentors on TV, I did not give up so easily!
The next day, while he was at the lawyer's office, I got off my ass, took off my bra, and ran right out and hired these feminazi man hating bitches to do all the so-called "women's work" around the house:
Heh. I thought I'd show my hubby who was boss this time!
It worked, too.
Would you believe that when he came home, he wasn't the least bit pissed off at all?! In fact, he was sooooo incredibly happy, he was the one who had tears in his eyes this time.
I know, weird! I guess he was embracing his feminine side while I exerted my feminazi side.
Yep, and I am so proud of him!!
He has really accepted the idea of me converting to feminazi man hatingism and now he caters to MY every need:
Welllllllll.... he catered to my needs at first, but then he became too busy making sure the new maids were taken care of, because as feminazi man hating bitches, they have whims that need catered to, too.
Apparently those bra-less bitches have a lot of whims!
In fact, I think he quit his job to take care of their whims full time because I haven't seen him leave the house in weeks.
Oh well. If I have to go get a job at the taco truck to support us for a while it's all worth it to be a feminazi man hating bitch because, honestly, it is a dream come true for me and I can't turn back now.
I just burned all my bras.
Gosh, I just hope Jesus doesn't require me to wear a bra to work!
:)
Friday, March 7
The "I Like This Mike Better!" Offensive
Well, since Mike Holmes seems to still be all offended and keeps renewing his restraining order against me, I've decided to find a new Mike to love. Lucky for me there are plenty of them out there, and that I happen to have the Discovery Channel!!
They have all the best Mike's on that channel.
It should be called Discover Mike Channel, really.
In fact, that's where I found this guy. He is my new and improved Mike:
Oh yeaaaah. Mike Rowe is my new Mike.
He is much handsomer than that easily offended Canadian handy man ever dreamed of being!
He may even be the most handsome Mike ever in the history of Mikes!! Well, at least the ones on that channel.
I mean, between you and me, who wouldn't love Mike Rowe and all those Dirty Jobs of his?!!
He is so funny and well, dirty, but he is dirty in a good way. He just cracks me up the way he laughs while he is sticking his arm up a cow's ass, or smiles while alligators are trying to eat him or makes jokes while he has raw sewage splashing all over him!!
Yep, what a great guy.
He has a nice voice, too. I think he also does another great show on there about deadly catches or something but I can't remember the name of it right now.
Anyhoo... lucky for me my hubby likes his show, too, so he didn't mind too much when I took down all the Mike Holmes stuff and redid our bedroom like this:
Ooooh and I can't wait for Mike Rowe to see it, too.
He will just love it when he gets here!
That's right he is coming over and I AM going to be on Dirty Jobs very, very soon!!
How do I know?
Heh, well, I kept seeing him ask for people to write in with a dirty job for him to do and you know me! Last week alone I sent out 1,247 letters to him with all sorts of dirty jobs that I have in mind for him to do at my place!
He has gotten at least one of them. I know this for a fact because he already sent me back an autographed picture of himself:
Well, so he forgot to sign it, but it was so funny that I forgave him!
That just made me even more determined to get him to my house, so I sent out another 1,247 letters again yesterday!! It won't be long now before he is at my door.
We can talk about all the dirty jobs I have for him in there in my new Mike Rowe bedroom!
OK, I know what you're thinking.
"Chelle B., please don't tell me that the dirty job you have for Mike Rowe is performed in your Mike Rowe decorated bedroom because I don't think they will put that on the Discovery Channel!".
Ugh. Do you always have to go there??
Of course the dirty jobs I have in my mind for him aren't in the bedroom!
OK, so there was that one dream I had, but Mike Holmes was there too and then Jesus showed up with some tacos and um, well let me just say...
Hooyah!! :)
Anyhoo... I am all flustered now, where was I again?
Oh yeah!!! Mike Rowe and his Dirty Jobs.
So I have been making sure that I have LOTS of dirty jobs ready for when him and his crew get here!! Like for instance, my kitchen is quite the dirty job:
Yes, it is nice, isn't it!!! Thank you, I am proud of me too.
I haven't cleaned it in a couple of months just for him, and it will only get better the longer it takes him to finally show up.
Which he will.
Any day now!
Oh, and I also stopped cleaning my bathroom a while back, too:
Oh, and believe me, that is just the beginning of all the dirty jobs I have for him. Hey, I've watched his show a lot and seen some of the things he has done, and between you and me, I have my work cut out for me if I want him to know how serious I am!!
He will find nothing here that is less than filthy, dirty and of course, highly toxic!!
Oh, yes.
For him I went all out:
That is me, and this is my backyard dirty job for him:
Yes!
I'm sure my neighbors all love him too, so I decided to surprise them and have them be in on the show with me!
Take a look at this evil genius handiwork:
Now that, my friend, is the dirtiest job in the history of all dirty jobs!!
Yep, they will just love it, once they figure out what I am up to.
OK, well, most of them will love it.
The only one I worry about and who probably won't understand is my one neighbor who I think is from Denmark or something.
He doesn't speak English well and after the Mike Holmes incident I could tell that he probably doesn't understand how we American's feel about shows like Holmes on Homes or Dirty Jobs or how important it is for us to do whatever it takes to get onto these reality shows.
I imagine he will react a bit like this, maybe:
Oh, don't worry about me. I'm sure he will get over it once Fox News gets a translator flown in or something.
If nothing else, there isn't much that can't be overcome with a plate of my special brownies made with Jesus's imported "incense"!! I bet he would totally forget all about his house after a few of those brownies.
Yummmm.
Hey, maybe I'll make some for Mike and his crew, too!! I bet they would love my special "incense" brownies!
Because he'll be here anyday, you know. I'm going to be on his show.
Oh yeah, I will definitely let you know when my Dirty Jobs episode is on, I know you won't want to miss it, being my #1 fan and all!!
I'll even wave at you on camera, k??
:)
Friday, January 11
The "Islamic Jihad Against Soap Operas" Offensive
Well, now that's two things I have in common with the Taliban. I friggin' hate soap operas too!!
With suicide bombers in the capital, spiralling opium production and half the country prey to Taleban guerrillas, Afghanistan's spiritual guardians have discovered a dangerous new peril: Indian soap operas.
In an echo of the strict religious laws of the Taleban era, the Islamic Council of Scholars won the backing this week of a powerful government minister in its campaign to get dozens of wildly popular Bombay dramas off Afghanistan's television screens.
The Minister of Information and Culture has written to television executives to threaten prosecution if they show footage that offends morality. He is particularly concerned about Indian soaps.
---> Read More <---
This post is currently contemplating smoking some opium and then blowing itself up in a crowded Afghani marketplace over at humor-blogs.com
Click Here to Read More..
Thursday, January 10
The "I Like Mike" Offensive
Yep, that's him in all his handsome Canadian glory. He is the object of my appreciation. I own 27 copies of that book and have three sets of all his shows on DVD, one for every TV in my house.
My husband wasn't too thrilled, but I even remodelled our bedroom to show what a huge fan I am of him and his 'making it right' overall wearing self:
(Well, heh, that was our bedroom, before things started to go wrong...)
It's really quite a sad story! I had no idea that it would go so terribly wrong when I sent him my first letter, trying to get on his show:
It's true! I do have a full body tattoo of him! I'll email a picture of it to you if you don't believe me!! (btw, the guys from Miami Ink did it for me).
As far as the other part...well, I admit it, it wasn't exactly true...I never had any bad contractors over to my place. I was just hoping he'd come to my house so I could see him in his overalls in person!! So, ok. I kinda lied a bit, the damage to my house wasn't exactly done by shady contractors, it was done by...me.
Please don't tell him I told you though?
I was naive, I admit it, but how was I to know that he'd figure out that I was the one who kicked this hole in my wall??
Oh, I know what you're thinking. "Chelle, he is Mr. Holmes on Homes Mike Holmes, the friggin handyman of all handymen! Of course he'd know!!".
Hey, you don't have to lecture me, I know now that I wasn't thinking straight at that time. I mean, I'd been up for three straight days eating Ritalin and drinking Rock Star, watching a marathon of Holmes on Homes when I hatched this plot so my brain was a little fried.
Of course I know now that he'd see through my little scheme and probably think it was, ya know, cute.
Anyhoo...I don't know why it surprised me when I didn't hear back from him after I sent the first hundred copies of my letter and picture that first day.
But, hey, you know me, I don't give up that easily!!
That's right, I figured out pretty quickly that it would take more than a little ole hole in the wall to grab his attention and get me noticed, so I added a few more holes to it and a few more walls, and then kinda let the bathtub overflow for just a few days.
Well, it ran for not more than a week and a half.
OK, it may have been both bathtubs, three sinks and all the hoses, but was definitely no longer than two or three weeks. OK, to be honest, it's all a blur now, really.
But the results were amazing! I rushed the new pics to him right away:
I know! Pretty good, huh?
I thought these ones would for sure get me on his show!! I mean, look at that damage, doesn't it look like someone who doesn't get permits and bullshits his way into your pocketbook did it?!
Heh, well... apparently not! Even after that I still didn't hear back from Mr. Holmes or any one on his staff, for that matter! I waited a whole week too, and then I knew I had to put some more effort into it.
So, after keeping the kids up for three days on Ritalin and Rock Star to help me send copies of my updated sob story with pictures about five or six hundred more times, I decided I'd give him one more chance before I went ahead to plan B!!
Yep, it's always good to have a backup plan.
Of course, when I didn't hear anything over the next couple of days after mailing those out, I snuck out, leaving a note for my family saying I had a sick aunt in Cleveland to take care of and I drove straight up to Canada without even stopping to pee.
(By the way, those adult diapers are amazingly absorbent!)
I was hoping to hook up with him at a book signing he had scheduled in Quebec. I even brought my 27 copies of his book, including the one that I'd modified a little just to give him the hint that I was serious:
But, of course, with my luck being as it is lately, his book signing was cancelled at the last minute and after spending two weeks staying in hotels and driving all over Canada, and then maxing out the rest of my credit cards on a no-good private investigator with a funny accent who was trying to track down his private address and phone number for me, I came home in utter defeat.
I know, it was awful!! After all the work I'd put into it!!
Thank god I had the life-sized Mike Holmes doll I knitted before I left to keep me company on that long drive back to Idaho!! Yep, he kept me sane and we did a lot of talking on that trip back. I really felt like we connected, you know? He helped me come to the realization that a few holes in the wall and some water stains on the siding was just not enough to grab his attention! He was so above those petty little things!
No, what I needed was something extraordinarily attention-grabbing...more than pictures of my full body tattoo even. Something that would cry out to him, "holy smokes, this girl needs help!!".
Sooo.. as soon as I got back to Idaho, I took a second job at a local taco truck and instead of paying off the credit card bills (collectors agencies) with all the extra money I earned, I rented some necessary equipment to do it right.
I felt I did it quite right, don't you??
Yes, I knew you'd agree!
Now if that, my friend, didn't get his friggin attention then nothing would, right?!! As soon as the letters went out, I was sooo excited, just knowing I'd be hearing from him as soon as he got a look at that bad contractor remodel job!!!
Yet, as excited as I was waiting to hear from him, for some reason my neighbor wasn't very excited at all. I'm not sure what the hell his problem was...I guess he's just not a big Mike Holmes fan, but it's not like I destroyed his house or anything!!
He sat on his back porch like this for three days, making whimpering noises:
Now, between you and me, I'm not sure, but I don't think he's from around here so he probably doesn't understand how these reality shows work or how important they are to a lot of us.
He'll figure it out though. In fact, I bet we see him trying out for American Idol next year!
Anyhoo...imagine my surprise when just a few days later, instead of getting a letter saying that my mister 'Mike the handsome piece of Canadian bacon handyman Holmes' was immediately flying down to meet me in person to go over the details of my upcoming remodel, I get this delivered to me by some not as handsome, non overall wearing, donut munching, police officer impersonating delivery boy!!
Yes! It is a copy of a restraining order!! Against me, nonetheless... his #1 fan!!!
Can you imagine??
So... of course I knew it had to be a mistake so I ran inside, threw on a Depends, grabbed some rope, duct tape and a pellet gun that looks like the real thing, jumped right into my car, waved at my turban wearing neighbor on my way out and headed back up to Canada!
This time, though, I had to... ya know... make a few necessary stops along the way to help pay for the trip, and I am not proud of the things I did to finance the expedition, but let's just say that no one was harmed and I will pay back both banks and the twelve convenience stores as soon as I can.
Of course...it might be a little while before I am able to do that...I'm kinda still waiting to be extradited from Canada, actually.
Luckily they have internet access in the prison library so I can post my story here for you!!
I know, I'd always heard Canadians were nicer than us Americans, too. I guess that was just propaganda from the era during the war in Vietnam or something.
Anyhoo...it wasn't all a waste, at least I did get a few minutes with the object of my obsession, er I mean appreciation. Before he called the mounties on me, (who by the way do NOT ride horses!) I caught up with Mike 'Make it Right' Holmes at a book signing in Winnipeg. I snapped this one picture as they drug me out of the store:
He acted a little confused when I reminded him who I was and begged him to sign my book and look at my tattoo, and before I could clear up the little misunderstanding and show him my letter and pictures, he had his bodyguards hold me outside until the authorities showed up! Yep, and so, here I am....
It's too bad, I never got the chance to show him the newest photos of the last remodelling work I did right before I left Idaho. It was my best yet, too!!
If only he'd seen them, I just know he'd have put me on the show for sure!!
How could he have passed this up??
I know my neighbors were kinda counting on my talking him into coming back with me, too, since they were involved by this point, so I really gotta get out of here and catch up with Mike Holmes again as soon as I can!! Hey, if you know anyone at the American embassy, could you give them my name and let them know what's going on?
Thanks a lot!!
Chelle B.
:p
